Trust. What a joke

Always. Al-fucking-ways. I am just so damn angry rn.

Fuuuuuck

Possess

Aeons ago, verses were written 

and until now they hold.

I can't help but pull out parts of you, 

And bring them to the fore

The night may fall

The day may burn

The clock might turn and turn and turn

Keep showing me your shadow selves

And know that I won't run

Tired

I've been feeling soooo exhausted these last few weeks. Just want to sleep all the time. Last night I actually slept for close to 9 hours and I still feel like I have no energy. Stupid fucking COVID. (⁠╯⁠°⁠□⁠°⁠）⁠╯⁠︵⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

Wish someone would just coddle me and make a fuss lol. Adulting all the time is so meh.

Poetry in words

Vīta brevis, ars longa, occāsiō praeceps, experīmentum perīculōsum, iūdicium difficile. ~ -------------------- ~ Life is short, and art long/skillfulness takes time, opportunity fleeting, experimentations perilous, and judgment difficult I happened to come across this quote in one of the eulogies of Ryuichi Sakamoto, and while listening to one of his songs. Something about it shatters me inside. Atleast a little bit. It's reminding me of that day I did shrooms, and felt like every person in the world has trotted along on the same ground without actually noticing a thing, caged in their own minds.  I love the translation that says skillfulness takes time. Indeed it does. It takes a lifetime, and even that can be less. But it helps birth something out of you, a baby of toil and trouble and anger that bubbles.  The fact that Hippocrates said this gives it so many layers in my mind. So few people strive to seek, and fewer succeed. I've often thought that it takes one person in most fields who really dives in deep, and in doing so - pushes the needle of knowledge a fair bit. Maybe it's a cause that's worth dedicating yourself to. Maybe that's why art is important, though intangible. I don't know where I land on this, but I hope I find out someday.

Sometimes you find something so damn exquisite and out of the 💙

Curating for myself

Up a hill

It's been a while since I went on a solo trek or just explored a city by myself. Just want to take off for a few days and chill. Climb some nice rocks and watch a nice sunrise. 

Ugh, imma go tomo if I can. 

Been hearing

Puhpuhpuhpuhpuuuruuumprumpummmm

Distance and Displacement

I hear the sounds of the trees, rustling outside. Thunder slowly creeping in. The cold will break the heat, about time it did. Windy whislings make me calm, steady, rooted. One of the few times I feel like I can be in the moment, just adequate. Peace in the elements, away from everyone and noone to answer to.

Sometimes, I wish I was in a cold country, somewhere in the mountains. Looking over gloomy skies in the cold, face numb and if I smile, I feel my skin stretch in protest. 

There's so many flights of fantasy I want to take. So many questions I want answered. Not even sure who I want to ask them to, just a nebulous entity who I project wisdom on, maybe? 

Will it always feel like trying to squeeze water out of stone? Cuz I'm on the verge of quitting. Maybe I'm just not meant to experience it. Funny.

If only life came with a manual. I'm happy to do the work, not afraid to do it either. The joke is that I just don't know what the instructions would say. A hundred for willingness and a zero for sense of direction. So I guess we move a lot and still just stay in place. 

Tinlicker

Stupid ass name for an artist, but I like the music nonetheless. 

Becauuuuuse you moooove meee. 🎶

I feel

sad :(

The games we play

I've always viewed life as a journey of discovery, and in some strange way tried to determine who I am by using all experiences as a mirror or a wall to bounce off of. 

Even chess became some sort of a way to measure my negatives and try to constantly shift my mindset into a linear path by eliminating them. I remember when I started playing and my fear of failure was immediately brought to the surface and with such absurd ease. I was terrified of sucking and never improving. Terrified of discovering that it doesn't come easy to me, like a lot of other things that make me feel like an imposter do. I'd do a bunch of puzzles in lieu of playing games to keep those irrational thoughts at bay. Instead of being just a game that should have a binary meaning - you like it, you don't like it - it turned into a mental battle against demons and deep fears.

The one thing I genuinely like about myself is that I don't ignore my weaknesses once I discover them. It's the one constant that I can blindly rely on. So that ended up being a fascinating combat. 'Inability to quit vs lifelong fears.' The initial months were tough. I still remember how I had to force myself to think. As I slowly got comfortable with the idea of absolutely sucking at something, it stopped having a hold over me and more importantly, stopped preventing me from never trying.  Interesting how the small changes add up over time.

Maybe I am romanticing it a lot, but I never imagined that a game could have such a huge impact on my life. Meaning is where you choose to find it I suppose.

I'm just so glad I stuck with it. ♥️

Courage, lil pawn2n

This world is one great battlefield,
With forces all arrayed;
If in my heart I do not yield
I’ll overcome some day

Ad Astra

Sometimes you come across something profound when you least expect it. Someone in twitch chat just typed " if you stare into the abyss long enough " and a mod there added " it stares back into you. But then so do the stars ".

In the middle of my sniffles and shivers and fever that one idea just smacked me harder than all the meds I'm taking. 

Suck it Nietzsche 

I HATE BEING SICK

FFS. IVE JUST BEEN SLEEPING AND WAKING UP LIKE A 6MO I HATE THIS BYE

Philosopher thou

Write words that cry about your anguish. Talk about stuff that makes your soul weep. But have you ever wondered, what it would be like to be someone else? All of your ideas, all the theories, they all stem from you. You are your own blind spot. What a joke, amirite?

Loops

Sometimes I get bogged down by the cyclical occurance of events. I'm always wondering why they occur. At times I felt maybe it was me, maybe I'm the one who chooses them. But it can't be me all the time. Fuck this shit.