Even chess became some sort of a way to measure my negatives and try to constantly shift my mindset into a linear path by eliminating them. I remember when I started playing and my fear of failure was immediately brought to the surface and with such absurd ease. I was terrified of sucking and never improving. Terrified of discovering that it doesn't come easy to me, like a lot of other things that make me feel like an imposter do. I'd do a bunch of puzzles in lieu of playing games to keep those irrational thoughts at bay. Instead of being just a game that should have a binary meaning - you like it, you don't like it - it turned into a mental battle against demons and deep fears.
The one thing I genuinely like about myself is that I don't ignore my weaknesses once I discover them. It's the one constant that I can blindly rely on. So that ended up being a fascinating combat. 'Inability to quit vs lifelong fears.' The initial months were tough. I still remember how I had to force myself to think. As I slowly got comfortable with the idea of absolutely sucking at something, it stopped having a hold over me and more importantly, stopped preventing me from never trying. Interesting how the small changes add up over time.
Maybe I am romanticing it a lot, but I never imagined that a game could have such a huge impact on my life. Meaning is where you choose to find it I suppose.
I'm just so glad I stuck with it. ♥️
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