Phew!

The one thing I've realised over the last year, and articulated over this last week is that... you shouldn't have to dim yourself for someone else. I think dating A made me feel like I'd hit rock bottom. He would never ask about me, never cared, only focused on himself, constantly kept belittling me and trying to act like he was superior. All of that combined with his inability to empathise left me feeling like all I deserved was grief in relationships, no love or gentleness. And then in some weird twisted way... The way M always ignored every little thing I said about me, and only focused on himself, made me feel so unseen. Like he wanted me to think he is great, but he wasn't remotely bothered about anything that makes me who I am. It stung every time, but I never said anything cuz in my mind it was like ok not my place to. But in the end, that shouting he gave me made me suddenly realise that wow, it's not my fault or any inadequacy in me that makes people behave the way they do. In a way, I'm very grateful to both of them, because somehow this behaviour led me to discover compassion and love for myself. I'm never again settling for these bare minimum efforts or going to give more than I receive to people. That's something I'm very clear on going forward. And it may have taken me a long time to realise it but honestly, I now do believe am worth the effort of keeping around and loving lots and showing both kindness as well as gentleness to. If you guys couldn't see that, too bad. But you did make me reach a point where I do, and I'm going to lean into that for myself from now. M - you said we were friends, but friendship includes respect, openness and honesty, without that the word loses all its meaning. And I'm not going to spell that out for you, it's something you need to understand on your own, even if it takes you forever to. The irony is that you and I are so similar, we could actually be extremely close and trusting of each other, if only you could see that. But your childish, untrusting, stubborn soul probably just let's you see the worst possible outcome, instead of the good one. Why do you choose to crawl when you could fly? You little weirdo. Oh well, can only take a horse to water I suppose. There's a lot that you hide, and very little that you let on. Maybe you are married, separated, tindering like your life depends on it. Could be anything, and I've never once asked you to reveal your secrets if you weren't comfortable. But I did extend a genuine hand of care towards you, and for that I deserve a bare minimum of reciprocity and trust, which you withheld from me all this time. That I'm sure you understand. 

I guess in the end - strength of character, the ability to admit when you do something wrong, the ability to value those who value you, and to be able to actually show them that value matters, in fact it's the only thing that matters.

So whatever life issues led you both to treat me that way, I'm sorry it happened to you. But you really needed to treat me better. And I won't compromise on that from now onwards. So if you can't, or choose not to, then fine. I won't ask for more as it's not my place to, but I won't settle for less.🤷‍♀️

Ball's not in my court anymore, and it took me ages to realise that lol. 

And A can go fuck himself, he is a turd without any redeeming qualities. May a pigeon shit on his head all day everyday. Hope I never have the misfortune of seeing his stupid face ever again. Lol, been so many years but he is my one example of the dredges of humanity. Oh well, good riddance. 

For now - I'm just gonna take things easy, slow and lean into being happy and content. No problem so big that it won't sort itself out in due time, no biggie. 

Keep it simple people, you got this! ✌️ But daaamn, I wish you'd figure your shit out! Honestly, sheesh. The trouble you give me is unreal.