Parents

Mum finally reached Ladakh. I'm glad. What a long journey it took to get there. She misses dad so much sometimes. And yet she does so much for him. I wish he would see that and be able to give her the emotional security and love she has craved all her life. It's the one wish I've had for my parents, for them to reach a level of emotional intelligence that helps them overcome their differences and see their own flaws and their roles in making each other miserable. Mum has always been childish and strong willed, she doesn't see how her behaviour impacts everyone. That's the issue with people who are so self focused, they never take responsibility for their own roles. Maybe it's an underlying insecurity of being seen as inadequate, but the end result is them not being able to change for the better. And my dad. Idk what to say. I know he struggles with her, and it makes me sad. But he is a good man. The one thing that hit me this week was how he has never raised his voice or lost his temper on her or me or anyone else for that matter. No matter the stakes. That makes him decent in my books. I guess when it comes down to it, I've aligned more with dad than mom cuz mom had this habit of just using me as an emotional crutch. Idk how but she never saw me as a child, just as a vessel for her venting. And it scarred me so much for so long. She seems better now, a lot more caring. But man, it was a struggle to shrug off that influence. I realise a lot of my fears are rooted in her. But through her, I've also realised the importance of letting go and allowing people room to breathe so they can choose to love you freely. That is so important, but a lesson that my mom needs to learn. I hope she does. And I hope dad stops being an escapist and actually understands that by denying her the love she wants, he keeps harming her too. It's so frustrating to see them both just stuck in this loop of thinking they did everything right and everyone else was the problem. Like no guys, you were the problem, it was always your stupid selfish actions that caused you and then us misery. Grow the fuck up, you guys are reaching your 60s, it's about fucking time. 🙄

Lol. One of the biggest tasks of my life was separating myself from their shitshow and learning that my life doesn't have to follow their trajectory. It coloured my view of relationships for so long, caused me to be so insecure and avoidant. But I'm a lot better now. If only I get that final piece of the puzzle right, wherein I can wait and choose people who show me love and care freely, instead of doing all the work for them, I think I'd finally succeed in reaching that centre of calmness, stability and strength that I have craved all my life too. I'm sure I'll do my best and be amazing once that fear is fully gone. I mean, I do think I do my best now too, and I am actually a worthwhile person :). Feels strange to admit that for once, but yeah. I think I finally have started seeing my own value and appreciating it. It was a tough journey, littered with bad people choices that negated my existence, but I do feel like I'm free of all these external influences. Just gotta keep at it, and I'm sure everything will align the way it needs to someday or the other. Sun's gotta shine eventually, amirite?

Meanwhile, feels nice to love yourself for once. :)