Lessons

Was talking to Di, and she told me she decided to keep her distance from A from now. So funny how life turns out. They were besties from childhood, literally spent their formative years with just each other. And now they live in the same town and yet don't meet more than twice a year. It's also funny how Di and I became friends. We used to keep away from each other cuz we were both friends with A, and A was jealous and possesive. Lol, so childish in retrospect. But man, A just ended up being a huge lesson in toxicity for both of us. I feel like when you feel inadequate, insecure you only choose the people who are awful to you because that's all you feel you deserve. I remember vividly how me and M took ages to become close and I didn't have an affinity for her in the beginning but had a draw towards A and the toxic cycles we were in. But as we grew up, I realised that the reason I didn't pick M initially was simply cuz it felt unfamiliar to be around someone nice. And cut to so many years later, and she is like a sister to me. Despite our personality differences, our bond grew slow and steady and I'm so glad. Di also had so many struggles to overcome. Both her long term boyfriends cheated on her, left her guarded, devastated and completely on edge. She didn't believe in marriage, well... Neither did I to be honest. Lol. But both of us are resilient and made sure we remove all the negative thinking patterns that were preventing us from realising that fear of things blowing up is not a good place to make decisions from. The funny thing about fear is that it only attracts people that make those fears come true, and the ones who wouldn't just feel so unfamiliar that we wouldn't pick them. Atleast until we stop running and start seeing things and choices more clinically and the role we have been playing in our own destiny. That's also not easy cuz it's just uncharted territory, so it's very hard to define what a good, healthy equation looks like. But no matter, we got there in the end 💪🏼

But you know... one of the things that just sucks ass is how growing up in toxic families just colours everyone's behavior so so badly. It's just awful that kids have to deal with shit from the get go and turn into fearful adults who take ages to break that cycle. And it's so hard for them to realise that it wasn't their fault and their inner voice and personality matters. But having said that, my only hope for A and all the other folks who taught me lessons along the way is - I hope you all stop being lessons in " what not to do " in other peoples' lives and start instead change enough to become strong and steady so people can find you reliable and think of you with affection. If you keep harming someone, they eventually realise their worth and leave. And the end result will always be you alone or with folks who don't value themselves, repeating those cycles of stupidity. All that insecurity, pain infliction, control, manipulation - it all stems from you not wanting to lose people but not recognising the fact that your own behaviour drives them away. It sucks, but it is what it is. Maybe the people you harm leaving you might help you change too. I know A has tried over the years to recognise her own faults and has tried to make amends. So there's a silver lining there too I suppose. 

Anyway, I wish her the best. But I'm glad I'm finally over the hump and wouldn't let someone like her in my life again. Lol, I'm finally mature enough to try and make sure the second half of my life has peace and merriment. And I'm sure it will. After a long time I feel so centered and it's not in a weird " will this go away " way, but rather, I'm happy with me way. Took long enough, but was worth the struggle and the wait. Hehe. 

Cheers! Chin chin! 🥂