Clarity

I want to take a moment to pen down my thoughts with as much clarity as I can muster. Especially regarding my future. I'm only going to write what I want and not paint any negative shades in this. No baggage of the past, no fears, no blockages. And use this as gospel forever more.  

So what is it that I seek?

I think I'm clear that I want a partner and a marriage at some point. With someone I love  and who loves me back. I want that person to be open to me, honest with me, respectful and kind towards me. I want him to seek to include me in his life, take an interest in mine and for both of us to have a mutual sense of gratefulness and compassion towards each other. I want to get to know him slowly, steadily, at a pace that is comfortable for us both. I want my partner to make me feel invited into his inner world, make me feel secure in his love for me and share the intimate parts of his mind and feelings with me. I want him to reach out to me, check how I'm doing, share things about his day. All the small, everyday things that make you feel wanted and cherished. This is probably one of the most important things for me. I want to do the same with him. 

Share parts I'm scared of, ashamed of, whatever it be. And trust that he would be accepting of all my shades as I would be of him. And to say sorry if we mess up, which I'm sure we will from time to time but who cares as long as we acknowledge it? 

I will wait and earn that trust if I have to, but the choice to share has to be made by him. I want him to take it slow with me as well. 

I'd love for us to be friends first. I think now that we are adults, it's okay to be mature in knowing someone and not get washed away by passions. Build a sense of trust and kinship with each other. Be able to laugh at silly things, at ourselves, at the absurdity of the world we live in. But most importantly, be completely at ease with each other. I think it's very very important to take things slow in the beginning so that a sense of solidity and reliability can build over time, and noone gets spooked lol. At our age, everyone has had their heart broken or had something awful to deal with, so lets not let the baggage of the past enter the present. A fresh start, a fresh seed and fresh nourishment, just the two of us! 

Eventually, I want to be able to include his family into my circle of love, give them love and respect both. And I'd like him to be able to extend the same hand towards mine. Whether our families play a big role or a minute one in our lives, we should be able to be the pillars our families depend on in times of need. Atleast that much we owe them. 

Both our values need to align on the important things.

I want to be able to have his back, help him when he is down, care about his wellbeing, and in general lean into my role as the woman in the relationship. Bonus points for cute domestic stuff as nagging if he stressed out too much or in general isn't taking care of himself.

More than anything, I think I just crave the idea of a simple life with someone. Do some gardening, have a pet, keep track of our health and fitness, lean on each other when needed without burdening or suffocating anyone. I'll match your strength when I need to, be both your shield and your rock. But please bring the gentleness, romance, affection and reliability that my clumsy heart craves. I haven't learnt how to do that till now, and I lack finesse. But I promise I'll try my best. 

There should be an air of welcoming and friendliness in our home, with lots of music playing, us dancing to songs we love, us teasing and troubling and kissing each other whenever we want and lots and lots of hugs. It would be nice to have a set of good friends and people who feel loved and welcome in our home, who we can cook some nice food for, and always have some leftovers to parcel for them. A little bit of daily chaos and a small den where we can hide peacefully if either of us feels overwhelmed by the chaos too. A silent reading corner and occasionally shouting at the other to keep it down lol. If we have kids, then I'd like us to put them first. If we don't, then hopefully we can get a dog or two maybe? That would be nice. :) And when times are tough, we switch to serious roles and be steady for each other as well.

Apart from this, I want to live a full life, I want to work hard, I want to try being an author, I want to be able to explore my creativity and give it shape and form. I love to learn, but I'd like to translate that into giving back as well. I want to ensure food habits that I have built over the last few years continue to stick, my fitness levels get better and better, and a stretch goal is always a good time for a marathon. I'm comfortable in leaning into my innate ability to work hard when times ask for it, so no sweat, all external obstacles are things I'll deal with as they come. 

I guess that's it. 

Looking forward to keeping streamlined from now, finding that friend who becomes my lover and then my husband and loving him forever and ever ♾️.

This is the most honest and genuine I've ever been. It's taken me half my life to be able to finally know what I want, what I'm willing to give and what I know I deserve. And this is the centre of my being, no more, no less.

Had the sudden urge to say amen.

Hehe. ♥️

Love,

Me.