So I acknowledged what I want and it looks like a wholesome picture, a target to aim at. At the same time, the picture is incomplete without me acknowledging my shadow sides, ones that have plagued me all my life.
My parents' bad marriage is the root cause of it all. My dad's constant absence, my mother's constant neediness of me, stifling of my independence, my personality, my choices, and above all her relentless assault on my emotions. She never viewed me as a child, but as an extention of her that was meant to be used as she sees fit. My dad only wanted to know if I am successful, he didn't seem to value any traits or personality I have. Between them, I ended up with a lack of self love. In fact, I lacked even a sense of self protection. I did not have a safe space growing up, or even as an adult and I learnt very late that I can actually be safe around some folks.
Where did that leave me?
1. As a person that was afraid of intimacy. I don't think I've ever been truly intimate with anyone ever. Physically, yes, mentally and emotionally... Fuck no. I've never let someone into the deepest parts of my mind and heart. I want to change that slowly, but I recognise there will be hiccups along the way. I am determined to fight these barriers though, I refuse to let fears control me. I want to attain that peace which comes with inner strength and self love and I'm building that even as I type this.
2. As a person that fears abandonment. I fear being left out in the cold. And that can sometimes make me want to earn someone's love but all the time I'd be fearful of losing them. It makes me feel powerless. I also used to fear that I'll choose someone whose love I wouldn't attain, and repeat the cycle my mom did. I hated seeing the hurt she faced all her life. And it made me want to avoid marriage and commitment. This is why I want someone whose presence I can count on, who makes me a priority. Because it helps me loosen that fear. And hopefully one day lose it entirely.
3. I sometimes stress too much on the physical aspect. Idk where this comes from, and while I go long periods of abstinence, when I'm in a relationship, I love to explore and reach highs with my partner. Something insatiable takes over, and I like to regulate it so as not to burn out, but I definitely want the spark to be consistent and long lasting. So I do need someone not vanilla in the bedroom. Doing it at a set time is the stuff of nightmares, I'd get bored asf. So I guess someone who matches my sexual intensity will be an important factor for me as well. When I say I love being a seductress, I mean it. I get off on the power trip and I'm creative enough to keep it interesting, so keep up or outdo me. This side of me is rarely visible to the outer world, I guess I keep it hidden because of its potency. But I want you to unlock it in me.
I think my possessiveness is inherent, that is non negotiable. So I want someone who also has that trait or atleast understands it enough to not trigger it in me, we can balance it out when we recognise it in each other.
These are my flaws and my fears. I'm a strong person, I'm opinionated, I'm rash at times, I'm clever and I'm blunt. I can be very, very relentless. Those sides are good with objects, but not necessarily with people. The thing that tempers me is my inherent love for people and fairplay and protectiveness and kindness. There's never been a time in my life that I've willingly tried to hurt someone, and I never will. I've been working to ensure I'm gentler, but occasionally the ruthless rationalist in me can show its strong hand. I am not a slave to it though, my ego has never overridden my compassion and it never will.
So all in all, I don't think a boring person is someone I can be with. I'll get antsy. Someone gutsy, semi erratic, semi chaotic but with a baseline of solidity is going to be my sweet spot. Someone equally strong, headstrong even, who matches my will and my strength. I want to recognise bits of me in you, so we can attain balance. Only respect leads to love for me. It is what it is. But once you have it, you'll have me for life. And we can grow together and deal with each other in a real, human way. Highs and lows, we will hit both I'm sure. But I've learnt to play it slow because I seek longevity, I seek freedom, and I seek to make a marriage last. So I understand the value in giving in, and the value of support and understanding.
Lastly, the reason I have come around to the idea of marriage is because I want to be the master of my own destiny, not a byproduct of circumstances. I got tired of being on the defensive, being constantly triggered, being aggressive and in general living in a constant state of wanting to run away and avoid. Even the aggression in me is a fight response that kicks in when I feel threatened. I assumed that was who I was but turns out I just felt threatened most of my life. Man, discovering that was just stuff of legends lmao. I was gobsmacked. Now that those influences are minimal, I'm discovering that I'm actually a gentle person. How bizarre, how bizzare. Lol. But on a serious note - I do not wish to avoid anything anymore, not let my decisions be influenced by the past, the wrong choices, everything. Like fuck that shit, I have one life and I'm not going to allow stuff that was beyond my control strip me of my power to choose my own destiny.
The non negotiable element in this is loyalty. You are mine, and I am yours. And between us there can be heaven and hell but no third person. Loving me is a choice I need you to freely make, I will never try to earn your love. In fact, I will never try to earn anyone's love henceforth.
The rest, we shall overcome.
So once again -
Freely and truly and because you want to...
Love,
Me.
PS - Idk why today of all days I felt like baring my soul, but it felt like it was important I do so. It's good to get the clear, unvarnished truth out sometimes.
PPS - to my parents, I forgive you.
Well, this has taken a lot out of me. So I'm gonna rest, chill, recuperate and take things easy for a while.
Peace ✌️
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