M

You know? When I was talking about men, I completely didn't mention M in that. I wonder how he is. I haven't known him enough to know how responsible he is, but in my heart I feel like when push comes to shove, he might also have a dependable side to him. I sense that maybe he hasn't fully come into his own as yet. I remember when I first came across him, and it felt like he was just floating through life. He had this ease about him, like people do when they do not have to struggle. All my friends who have that ease, tend not to have serious worries in life, so I figured he was the same. At the time I didn't realise that he might have a serious side as well. But when I see him try so hard at his job, be consistent, I do feel he has some steel in him too. And it's nice. I wish I knew him better to know if what I sense in him is true. But I haven't really had a genuine, deep conversation with him to understand him fully. I think he is more or less on the cusp of that change, one that makes a person settle into themselves. My instincts say that he does need some time to fully get there though, there are parts of him that are so innocent. I don't think he realises that, but that innocence is what actually drew me to him in the first place. Funny how that happens. In my whole life, I've never once been the one to initiate a contact with someone. And with him I was so so skeptical.

But it's weird, the more I stuck around, the more he started showing more solid sides. I hope that was his genuine self and not just stuff people do to make an impression. I guess I won't fully trust that unless I actually have an opportunity to speak and understand him better. Fuck, but keeping all that aside, Idk why I feel sooo damn protective of him. It's so weird. I'm usually never complimentary of someone, nor do I make it a point to highlight it to them, but with him, the full force of my feelings just come out. I guess I want him to see himself from my lens sometimes. So that instead of being on the defence all the time, he would see what actually makes him special and trust it implicitly. He is too hard on himself. That night when someone said something heinous about him, I spent the entire time so restless. And then I woke up very Kierkegaard style and decided I'll take a leap of faith and trust that he is a good one. And then spent hours talking to him about it. I don't even know why it upset me to see him in distress, but all I wanted to do in that moment was to make sure he is fine, and I didn't care how long it took until he calms down. I wonder if he realises that or values it. I fear sometimes that he never actually understands anything about me, or how much of me I give him freely. That's actually my biggest fear with him. That there will never be a day when he realises or values how much I actually care. He doesn't seem the type to acknowledge it even if he does. That's kinda sad. I guess that's why I feel he needs time to come into his own. In general, if you only focus on you, and keep guarded about others, you don't actually realise that you aren't taking into account the other person or what value you adding to them, if any. But I guess that's something a lot of people only realise when they face loss. Meh. But I don't think it would come to that. Too drastically silly, and let me not lowball him that way. :) 

In all the strange ways I've met people in my life, this is definitely the most unlikely. And yet, it felt so fated from the start. Life was so grey and gloomy until I actually came across him. And post that, I ended up facing so many of my fears. Lol. Even as I type this, I realise there's reality and then there's the stuff in my head that needed clearing out. Spring cleaning? Maybe. I guess if I were to be honest, there's never been a single man in my life who I felt like going all in for. I didn't really know why, but I knew I wasn't a 100 percent in with any of them. But after seeing him, I realised it might come with a loooot of challenges, but he is the sort of person I'd go all in for. And that's funny, cuz he isn't an easy person, so it's absolutely weird to feel that, but in the end, I do hope that I end up with someone like him. For the first time, I realise that I'd like to take up all of life's challenges with someone like that by my side. 

Maybe that's the essence of partnership, finally coming around to the idea that x is the person you want to choose to have by you as you both tackle all that life throws at you. 

Hmm. Maybe embracing the idea that I want to genuinely have someone by my side, carry them forward and deal with life as a unit is my way of coming into my own too. Took me long enough :)

PS - when I do find it, I hope I try like hell and make sure the bond is enduring and long lasting and filled with love. And I hope the person I end up with does the same for me. I want to learn to be reliant on someone and know they have my back. I'm so independent that it has taken forever for me to realise the value in this, but now that I do, I'll align myself to ensure I build something solid. 

Pps - as I reread this, I suddenly realised I'm acting like a Mirka to his Federer lol. FedEx is such a child himself, and Mirka is such a rock. I think maybe I see a lot of me in her, and the role she plays in his life. Funny. 😅