My sleep schedule is soooo fucked rn. Look so haggard too. Man. Terrible. Idk what's up with me this week... I seem to be completely out of sorts. Dayum post bday blues is it? It just feels like time is running away from me. Very strange and sluggish. Like a zombie. Idk what to do to feel better. Ironically a phrase I remember which had made me so angry lol. Path is littered with shitty memories huh? Heh. Avoid at all costs.

Ugh. I don't know what to do to fix this. 

I guess it's just a bad strategy to just see life as split milk lol. Split milk makes cheese first of all, so it isn't all bad. But secondly, I think part of self care should be that. To have an optimistic outlook that comprises of many parts that make up the whole. I have denied myself that care for a very long time I suppose. Maybe it was a bit of a scarcity mindset. Compounded by being around people who reinforced it in their actions. It's hard when something nasty is reflected back at you and you keep framing that as evidence of its all encompassing permanence. 

But anyway, I'm not spending my life in that perpetual dance of trying to squeeze out relevance or affirmation. I guess I was kinda locked into that battle in a way. Constantly weighing stuff to see if it fits or not. Hmmm. Well, if you have to do that then the answer is no it doesn't. And there's no harm or foul in that. It just is. 

I want simple things, I always have. Even today, I do not look for avenues for materialism it's more... Hey look someone is doing something cool, solving some nice problem can I be a part of that? I want to be around things and people that add to my life in that meaningful way. 

I'd lost sight of my inner nerd. Haha. I should do better for myself. And choose myself. Don't go down roads that leave you feeling spent, used and empty. Noone is that special, or unique or anything else... That they can justify making you feel that way. I don't want to tabulate exactly how less special someone is yada yada cuz that goes into the territory of spitefulness. But yes, a tennis clip is not of more importance than a grieving person. As a functional adult you should know that. Neither is online gaming. Nor are you sooooo special that someone wants into your life despite your protestations. I knocked on the door fair and square, I didn't worm my way in like he did, behind my back and hidden from sight. That's the difference between us. I don't backstab. But I will forgive it all if he ever actually chooses to genuinely apologise. Haha. That would be a task and how. I don't think he would be able to do it, given his track record. But let's see.

It's been a month and a half almost since I gave up speaking and well, I never heard anything either. So I bring it to a close because this is not what I want for myself or the kinda presence that I wish to nurture in my life. I will make room hereonout for genuineness, and an honest attempt at that. With that, I discard all the negativity and burdensomeness I felt this past three years. Holy heck. 3 years of my life he took. And not a single... How are you doing? Hahah. Wow. I really did settle for rock bottom eh? Heh. 

Banish ye meanness, I have no room for it no more!!! Heh. But go in peace, and take care. 🕊️✌️

Reading any tiny thing on reddit these days is so depressing. All doom and gloom. I'm tired of so much vitriol and negativity. It feels like all those twitter morons have migrated here lol. Sheesh. Whatever happened to the one social media I actually used to like? 😕

I need a good long holiday I think. 

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Ok fuck what attacking gameplay daaaaayum leela

https://lichess.org/HHFWTrdH/white 

💀🤯

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Feeling very tired and dejected. I don't know why. Just. Hopefully just lack of sleep or something idk. Just have an all encompassing feeling of utter defeat lmao. Not to be dramatic but yesssss. Wailingssss

Wow even Fabi playing knight odds. Is this a new trend now? Lol. Everyone just jumps on the wagon one after the other, even though it's been around for so long. That said, brave of him to take it on 3+2. Saw him get absolutely shamed by it. How crazy to make a guy as good at chess as he is just seem like an average Joe. Hmmm. 

I'm also looking forward to making it to 2k in rapid. They haven't even been tough games just so blah tbh. I guess a decent level of play is only 2300 ish upwards. I'm losing ones where I'm barely focusing and not calculating. Not great but also blah idc. 

Yesss I made it to 1973. Still feels okok not a challenge. Good stuff. Hope I don't fuck it up tomo haha. Let's gooooo. Ooo 1978 now. Dayum I'm too hyped lmao. Should stop here. 🛑

~

Ok didn't stop but 1990. Hehe. Highest ever. Dayum. There was a time when I was hard stuck at 1700 like so completely stuck. This feels nice. And still isn't difficult per se so far so that's good. Hope I cross 2k soon. Would feel good to have that. 

Looking at the card brother sent me and I just feel a tad bit overwhelmed. It's just such a sweet gesture. As a family we aren't the kinda that express our feelings out loud. But idk. The fact that someone is being kind rn is making me want to cry a lil bit. I really missed this tbh. Hehe. I guess simple things mean the world to me. I can't help but love people who bring care in my life. I'd much rather have these moments than any fancy gifts or something. 

When I share my stories with bro, he actually cares to read them and give feedback and even Maya did that. She was so nice about it. These are all tiny things people do but they have suuuuch an impact. It feels good. I guess that small act of hers also won me over instantly haha. I hope she is as nice as I think she is. I want all of us to just find our forever peeps and have happy, healthy lives. That's my deepest desire. 

I felt a twinge of sadness this bday because I knew it's the second in a row that our man would choose not to wish. But with that twinge also came the realisation that he is just mean for doing that. 

Well, I will keep this thought at bay for the most part. It hurts me, yes. The knowledge of having been treated so awfully hurts me. I won't deny it. But I think it's best to forget it happened and move forward. I do wholeheartedly wish and pray I never ever meet someone this mean again. I don't want to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse, enough. Because that's what all this amounts to in the end. :( Fuck dude. A single card just brought me to tears because it's one small sweet gesture that made me feel nice after so damn long. Your needs for acknowledgement can't be soooo deep that you can't actually step outside yourself to showcase some decent gestures sorry. Not acceptable at all. It's too pathetic. Can't spend life just wanting someone to look at some tennis there's plenty of people who play well too, like come onnnn. This can't be the only conversation you are capable of. 🙄

That psychologist lady was right yo. With narcissists you'll be so deprived of humanity that a tiny nice gesture starts to look like a godsent lmao. I actually feel bad for all those women who used to come by angry and crying. I get it. I get how much he must have invalidated them and hurt them. Well, I hope they know it's not their faults it's just him who is the problem. Narcissism or cowardice or whatever it may be, it sucks is all. 

~

Hmmm. I wanted to be mad about it but I'm not anymore. I'm just really tired of having to bear the brunt of what honestly still just feels like pure racism. I feel terrible about that. More so cuz he is like one of those yters who pander to Indians to get views. What a con dude. I just hope one day he has a moment of honesty and just realises what a shitty person he is. Spending life playing a board game and just being awful outside of it is so sad tbh. There is zero value in that. If he didn't have the game then who would he be? Is there any value in being that person? People who are the best at this game are a lot nicer. The world is filled with people who work hard and are good at what they do, solve interesting problems and try to do their best. It's not that rare.🤷‍♀️ But if the only thing you are exceptional at is being mean to people...That's not much to write home about. And after alllll this time.. this person couldn't bring themselves to be nice to me on their own even once. Not once. That's a fact. Ugh. Maybe I am a little mad haha... Well, if you pull shit like this in perpetuity who wouldn't be? Pathetic, truly truly pathetic. 

I guess I did genuinely care about him though. I won't lie to myself about that.  Is this really the person your parents raised you to be?  Why tf did I have to come across such a person man. It's sooooooo cowardly to not be able to do anything on his own like just crawling into some hole and hoping it gets better. Or idk go on tinder and rinse and repeat. That too is more likely. That lol was also some useless attempt to pretend like haha joke don't get mad. Whyyyy such lack of spine? 🤯 Soooo much insecurity. Sheesh. 

~

Anyway hard as it may be to forgive, I should. It's time for me to let it go. I don't want to be stuck in a spot where I just have to keep feeling the brunt of it. It's just hard to like... To know someone was racist towards me so repeatedly. That doesn't sit well with me, true. But let us attempt to wipe the slate clean. People who love me, will always choose me so let me allow for that to occur naturally. Heh. After all this also I don't hate him. I'm just simply not willing to be around someone who not only acts like a cheater, but simultaneously isn't able to show any niceness or equality. Keep that shit to yourself.

For now, I'm just gonna look ahead and keep doing things that make me feel productive. I'm sure by the end of this year I'll be where I want to be as well. Looking forward to it. 

~

Deepseek has me very intrigued. Came out of nowhere and is actually going to be such a gamechanger. I find tech monopolies so scary. And I do believe that like medicine, tech too should be almost free, esp the daily use stuff. High Hopes I guess but there will always be people who are altruistic just as there will be scammy ones. Here's hoping altruism wins out in the end. 

Baby bro seeing someone jewish lol. Heh. Of all the news this took me by surprise haha. I'm sooooo happy for himmmmmmm ugh he deserves the besssstttt!! Ugh. I'm sooo damn happy rn. Glad to see him so happy and stable ♥️♥️♥️ and she is awesome toooooo!! Best news ever. Haha all the reading up on Judiasm I did will come in handy woohooo!! I can surprise wish her for all the holidays now! 🤭

Man, it's crazy the coincidences and the places life takes you. Heh. I'm legit happy rn dayum. Best bday gift ever, a happy family member!! 

~

Omg and he also sent flowers while I was talking to him what a sweetie man... Ugh actually managed to do it from cali how niiice! 

And that cute fridge magnet too. Siblings are best!!! Thoughtfulness for the win! ♥️ I feel so nice to. Legit. 

Gonna keep this magnet ♾️ 

And this card ugh. So good. 

♥️♥️♥️ Everyone making such an effort for my bday this time. Damn. Ugh. And it feels so damn nice man. Fuuuuck. I feel like I'd completely lost sight of how good it feels to have people in your corner who care. Hehe. I feel a lil overwhelmed rn, in a really good way. Must not show it!! Haha. 

~

Dammit... I can't believe how awful things felt these past couple of years. Times like these just highlight it, like it's such a normal thing to have people be sweet and happy and kind. Atleast it was my normal. Always, alwaaaays pick people who care and are willing to show it! I promise myself that. I felt so sucky for so long man. I hope that never happens again. Heh. It's okay. If for the better part of three years someone can take all the niceness you lavish on them, but then never once say or do anything nice, even something simple like wishing... then there is something extremely wrong with them. That's all there is to it. They did the same thing last year, came by read about it, and it'll be the same this time. Heh. And treated you badly on theirs too. So like. Just forget it all happened and don't ever think about it again. No more of these caveats going forward either.

Anyway, I won't speak to anyone who isn't nice to me ever again. Should have been buying me flowers and calling me to wish like normal people do lol. Haha idk how many flowers he would need to get me to even make it up to me lmao. 3 years worth of bullshit behaviour equates...? Lmao gardens and gardens.

Anyhooo... Eff it

~

And this cute lil muffin my friend sent haha so adorbs.

Ugh and cheese straws haha. Damn it's so cute I don't want to eat it just so tinnnyyyyy. 

~

Hehe. Today will be fun!!

Bday is here. Hehe. ♥️ 

~

It feels nice.

It feels nice to have small phone calls with wishes, it feels nice to feel harmony and to look forward to meeting some friends and it just feels nice to be light and happy with lots of sunshine and blue skies. Heh. Helps that the city is teeming with flowers now. Man, I used to looooooove this city so much. Why did it change so much? It was absolutely astonishingly lovely back in the day. You could walk around everywhere. I had this naive thought that it would always remain that way. Hmmm. Well. What to do? 

Omg vishy made Sadler rage quit chess hahaha. Daaaaayum. Dude I love this lmao. Just something sooooo relatable about deciding fuck it I'm done haha. Damn cool. I love these random tidbits. 

The garden of forking paths

Hmmm. I get it, but I don't get why it was so celebrated. It's so unfinished in such a idk... It's like a fever dream tbh. But I really do love Borges now, very distinctive work, he really is on the intersection of science and poetry. And yet so male. Heh. Let's try library of Babylon next. 

Wow Benjamin won it. So well done man. Loved it. What a lovely nerdy corner this has turned out to be and I loooove it. Heh. Even thibault was following lol. Something about a gathering of nerds just makes me happy hahah. I guess at my core I'm a total nerd too. What a travesty the world doesn't care at all about these earthly delights. 

I used to have such a good faith take on life earlier. Now I feel a jaded. Heh. Need to be like a duck out of water, just shake shake shake it all off. Hehe. 

A good idea is to wait and see who is genuinely nice to you, and match their energy and effort. I think I'm going to live by this from now. I don't know why I hadn't for so long tbh. Okay well I do know. It's good that feeling is in the past now, and I'm finally choosing to do right by myself. Like eating vegetables haha. At first it feels sucky but then you realise how wholesome it is and how shitty processed food is. Heh. Yeah well... It'll be good in the long run. Plus no reason in the woooorld would be good enough for me to willingly hurt someone I love, let alone withstand knowing I'm the cause of it for someone I care about. Aaand do nothing about it. So why should I ever settle for someone who didn't and doesn't hold me in the same regard? They weren't worth care on my part. Or any consideration, really. Should have said goodbye that first week when they kept snapping at me tbh. Guys who raise their voices at women are never anything but a red flag. Esp when they don't even apologise ever. You don't really want to find how how abusive they might be in the end. What a colossal piece of shit, truly. I have literally no positive thought left for this person. All I wonder is why I ever had any in the first place. My bad. I honestly just believed the whole I'm a child of divorce etc nonsense man. So stupid of me. Complete lies through and through. People like this will try to convince you they treated you badly because it's your fault, like those wife beaters who hit women then say I wouldn't have if you didn't make me. Somehow it'll always be some excuse in lieu of decency. Anyway blah. Idc anymore so all this is moot. 

~

Found some yt chess channel that's actually funny for once too. Made me laugh soooo much. Called a game by anderseen 'the good adolf' like wtf yo. And some clip on neimann which was super funny too. Good humor. I love witty people. The thing I noticed about this is how the personality of the person doesn't override the work they do. I love that. It feels like they are a part of the bit, but it isn't about them alone. Restraint is a key part of being an artist, knowing not to block your own way and honouring work above yourself is something I find meaningful. Speaking of neimann I'm actually finding that he is earning my respect day by day. I used to feel a loooot of empathy for him, but now I feel so much respect too. For such a young guy, to have had such a bad hand of cards dealt... Doing it all by himself and actually breaking into the top ten in the world. That amount of effort is immense and so is the resilience. And for someone so young and who comes across as unlikeable. Hmmm. I guess if he learns to play nice where needed he might be able to turn perception around. He actually does seem to have empathy even though not too articulate about it. Still, who knows. Let's see. I guess I don't particularly care for anyone in this chess world but he definitely is someone I felt empathy towards. My bias against injustice is always at play huh. Well, I believe in redemption and rehabilitation and that people deserve a chance to turn things around. I get the moral dilemmas in not wanting to play nice with people who you think are out to get you as well. I would have haaaated to bend the knee to someone who I felt was doing wrong to me. I wouldn't do it tbh. 

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Bday in a few days and I'm actually looking forward to it. I have this low key happiness now in general. I hope it only grows and takes good solid root. Well, I shall try to protect it and keep it close. Man, it took a whoooooole world of absolute bad choices to get to this point huh. No worries... Just have to build on it hereonout. 

~

Ooo Sadler commentating knight odds game now. I thought it was for day after. Yaaay I can watch while working out woohoo. Maaaaan. I just really, really feel nice being part of a respectful space. Where people are smart and low key funny but nothing is ever disrespectful.   Haha and my username always makes him laugh cuz it sounds like he is greeting himself lmao. Funz. And so many respectable folks come to hang with him, they all respect him so much.Heyy even Larry Kaufman is there how nice. Love it. Hard to find these spaces on the internet. Nerds are the best man. I really do appreciate it ngl. Always good to learn new stuff. So many genuine and cool people out there. 

Keys for the win man. I think she will do it.

And maaan does she and pegula look like twins 💀💀

Watching no country for old men. Interesting portrayal of Anton Chigurh. Actually feel it's one of the better portrayals of psychopaths. 

Reminds me of ages ago when I wrote about emotions and flowers. I don't recall which year but the crux of it was simply to wonder about this exact problem. In a world with emotions, not having any - would that be a superpower?

Parents' 37th wedding anniversary. Wow man. That's a long time huh. I'm happy for them this time around actually. It feels nice to see them finally just get along well. 

~

And djoko zverev in few hours whoa. I wish djoko the best too haha.