Camaraderie

Really enjoyed hanging out with M and C yesterday. Something about seeing them together makes me very happy. I even see the trade offs between them now. Like he can be overbearing and over explaining about a loooot of things. But she v nicely just listens even when I know she doesn't care about the thing being said. And he in turn is very sweet and loyal and caring and I think that's what matters to her so she lets all the other things go. I feel like a lot of women just know how to do that intrinsically. Even I have the exact same outlook, if my needs are being met I feel happy and I'm v accomodating of the other persons' behaviours even if they are different from mine. I imagine even A is like that. Haha. It's so cool that there's a huge amount of just womanhood that binds all of us and there's a sense of camaraderie and kinship in these moments. I love that. The more I'm around such wonderful folks, the better even my mindset becomes. Company matters a looot I feel. Helps to create an ideal atmosphere where you feel good and you can thrive. Like she got her periods and immediately he was like oh should I go get some pills? Didn't care that he had just traveled a ton and got back, it was his instant response. And it's so nice to have that in life and I'm so glad she does. No treating anyone badly, no ego, just a lot of love and affection. We all dote on her haha. She just deserves all the love in the world. 

Ego is the worst in a relationship, when a person is just expecting to be catered to while doing nothing for you, it's just extremely pathetic. No wonder those people just end up alone or with someone who hates them and cheats on them. But anyway, idc not my problem.

I legit love my friends. 

Do I think M actually understands the kind of pressure and rigor Asians face? I actually don't know. Interesting. It's fascinating sometimes to hear a take by someone who is so far removed from an ecosystem just so see what might be the alternative takes. 

I don't think he is exposed to the kind of rigor that is required and expected as a happenstance for a lot of Asians though. There really isn't a substitute for lived experiences. But I suppose he must have had challenges of his own to deal with mostly. Best not to compare the two. 

Whom to avoid

I heard some women talk about how they make guys jealous. Bruh. Sometimes I feel women can be v shitty too man. Like... I cannot imagine deliberately flirting with someone to get under someone's skin. Primarily cuz I'm myself so possessive that if someone did that to me I'd hate it and I won't forgive it. It isn't even that I won't forgive I think I fundamentally can't. Especially deliberate attempts I those are the worst. I remember long back when A and I were having our off and on thing and I used to be scared of emotional intimacy so he used to overwhelm me at times. Then I'd want to stay a bit guarded. And he wanted me to say I loved him and I wasn't ready and he just got up and made out with someone else after telling me he could mindfuck me etc. I knew that was a manipulation tactic and the fact that he did it to me made me never want to end up with him. Right there. And even years after that, that one instance made me never trust him. And I can't imagine ever doing that to a guy, like if I love you it goes without saying that I honour you and I respect you. I can't even dream of breaking that pact let alone sullying it with such nonsense. And it honestly just stuns me to know people out there do this kinda stuff to others and it's acceptable to a lot of them.

Talking to V and R also and even R seems quite into men other than her husband. Keeps asking me if I'm banging someone and refuses to listen when I say no I'm not. It's like some people just can't believe that I'm actually conservative about my body and who I share it with. I have to actually  like someone to even think of touching them and yet so many people out there don't seem to have that issue. I just dunno dude. But I can't imagine having an equation like that. I've actually never had anyone doubt me either cuz I'm pretty sure I'm v transparent as a person. So that's good. Haha actually yeah, most guys who get to know me, just know me damn well and they've never felt uneasy with me. That's so nice actually. I never even thought about it before. I know I can be childish at times but it's better than being manipulative and crafty. There's a whole world that I'm simply not introduced to, but I'm glad I never was cuz I don't think I'll fit in to that kinda life. 

Crazy fucks. 

Got my yearly medical done on sat and Woohoo my vit d has plummeted again. 🙄 Ffs. I think everything I start to feel low energy I just should go stand in the sun lol 

Sadler is the only one in whose games I can actually tell what is the potential plan he is going for. That's so cool. I don't know why that is or how or what to even make of it, but in his games I can actually calculate the potential lines too. Not with too much depth but it's like once I know what he is going to attack I can tell what moves he will make. Interesting. Gotta watch some more and then start rapid again I think it'll be fun. 

Mr. Mulligan

~

Miss Blake—Susan—Susie.' He took her other hand in his. His voice rang out clear and unimpeded. It seemed to him incredible that he had ever yammered at this girl like an over-heated steam-radiator. 'It cannot have escaped your notice that I have long entertained towards you sentiments warmer and deeper than those of ordinary friendship. It is love, Susan, that has been animating my bosom. Love, first a tiny seed, has burgeoned in my heart till, blazing into flame, it has swept away on the crest of its wave my diffidence, my doubt, my fears, and my foreboding, and now, like the topmost topaz of some ancient tower, it cries to all the world in a voice of thunder: "You are mine! My mate! Predestined to me since Time first began!" As the star guides the mariner when, battered by boiling billows, he hies him home to the haven of hope and happiness, so do you gleam upon me along life's rough road and seem to say, "Have courage, George! I am here!" Susan, I am not an eloquent man—I cannot speak fluently as I could wish—but these simple words which you have just heard come from the heart, from the unspotted heart of an English gentleman. Susan, I love you. Will you be my wife, married woman, matron, spouse, help-meet, consort, partner, or better half?'

'Oh, George!' said Susan. 'Yes, yea, ay, aye! Decidedly, unquestionably, indubitably, incontrovertibly, and past all dispute!'

~

I love Wodehouse, the man is a genius. ♥️

Green Flags

If there was one change I could bring in someone, what would it be?

~

I've often wondered the answer to this and I feel like the one thing I've always felt I was starved of is consideration towards me. And what I'd love, love, LOVE... Is to have someone in life who shows me that. You always know it from the little things they do. Maybe it sticks out more to me cuz it's something I've not had often. But I'd really love that to be honest. Someone who wants the best for me, and who I don't have to take care of all the time. Who would take care of me and actively be happy to do so. 

I have a feeling in the end this will be the distinguishing character trait I'll end up basing any decision I make on. 

I'd never thought of genuine long term equations, life long ones. Long back when I had that conversation with M was the first time I actually gave it a thought about what matters and what doesn't. I realised then that I'd be more than happy to work my ass off to make sure whatever family I build with someone has security and stability. I do things for others more than for myself and I'm pretty sure for a family I create, I would do all I can. But I think in return I want to definitely feel safe and cherished and not just feel like a slave that people take things from. In the past I have felt that, esp when there was no reciprocity of care and that made me feel severely depleted and exhausted, not to mention it really hurts like hell to just see a complete absence of care. But no matter what, I've always known how to take the hard steps and detach from people when they make me feel that way, and I'm sure I'll make the right choice for me when it comes down to it. And yes, that choice will be governed by no fluff or material aspects but just based around how safe and comfortable I feel with someone. Cuz I know one thing for sure. No matter how much success or money you have, a house is never a home you belong to, until there is love and consideration there. It's just a fancy cage otherwise and I like to live free and love free. 

But yes, I think the top few things I'd look for would be

1. Consideration

2. Ease/comfort of communication 

3. Respect, Loyalty

I guess all my requirements are very based in emotional safety but it's paramount for me. I know that I take people seriously and I'm willing to help, compromise and in general be supportive to the best of my ability, but I need these three things in return. I need to know I matter to the people I'm close to and I need that effort that makes me feel safe. For me emotional closeness only builds through that and without that kind of closeness I can't even imagine being friends with someone lol. Hehe. I need to bond to feel happy I guess. 

~

And to be honest I don't want to change anyone anyway, I think these are things you have to be able to do yourself. People who can't are simply people I won't pick. Cuz I think wanting people to change for you is a stupid thing to do, they are who they are. Just find ones who actually care enough to make you feel like you matter to them. 

I used to have an empathetic view of people being difficult. And I still do, for people in their teens and early 20s. But any older and I feel like yeah you gotta work on yourself. 

Nothing more tragic than seeing grown adults with bullshit behaviour to be honest. It's just cringe and pathetic. Like you know how when people first start to drink and it seems fun to be drunk and loud when you are stupid and 18? The same behaviour looks absolutely tragic on someone who is 30. 

I think of behaviour issues in adults the same way. You cannot be childish and stupid forever, beyond a point it's silly and not at all worthy of consideration or respect. And it's exceptionally sad when people close to you have to make excuses for your behaviour like bitch please don't be such an embarrassment sheesh. 

Cue eyeroll. 

Matrix movies

I really need to understand a whole lot about the Matrix. So many thoughts and it's so well crafted dayum. I actually just love this. 

There's a whole lot of dialogue in it too is in keeping with plot progress that's very unassumingly embedded in it. Like when the Oracle is with Sati and is baking cookies, she says to Neo... I was hoping to get these done by the time you got here. Which I guess is also a tell that she is not able to discern the future and therefore there's an imbalance. 

Even that tiny line where the Oracle calls Smith a Bastard and he just goes... You would know mom. That was a neat call back to the architect and oracle being the mom and dad of the matrix. 

How neat. I love attention to details like these. It's softly done, but showcases the amount of thought that goes into the craft. V cool. 

Awake

Slept early last night and here I am, wide awake since 3.30 in the morning lmao. Just absolutely can't sleep even though I want to. Contemplated getting up and working a bit more but that only made me cuddle my pillow more. 

Who tf wakes up at 3 am on a Sunday morning? 

Flow

Finally sat and wrote today. Whew. 3000 words done. Man, I feel so good. After a long long time, I just sat and got into a flow and spent the day doing it. Love love loved it. Got a bit more to do and then I'll be donezies. Woot woot. 

And then editing ugh... But okay I actually like it it makes me less anxious lol. 

Monte Carlo Masters

Clay is my fav, Sinner my current fave and ugh Tsitsipas just beat Sinner. Yukky

Let's see what Djoko does. Even he might lose to Ruud lol. Yeah but idc if he does more power to Ruud. 

The Matrix

One of the most amazing sci fi movies ever. Was looking up The Architect and I love how they blended human psychology into the storytelling. Remains one of the best movies I've seen period. Even the concept of free will. You know, it's the one thing that allows people to not go crazy, atleast in my opinion. If you knew no matter what you do, the outcome is predetermined then I don't even know what that kind of world would look like. So much philosophy in this one series, damn. I love the way it was also crafted, scene by scene. So much work, truly. 

+

"Hope, the quintessential human delusion" is a line that stays rent free in my mind. 

Whew

Okay wrote for a bit and was good. Pretended to be Hunter Thompson sans the drug fuelled degeneracy unless ofcourse coffee counts as one. Either way, was fun to write. I seem to be like the procrastinating writers who find it tough to get going, but once I start I feel good. The story is already 6 pages long and definitely needs trimming but I guess that's for editing stage. Rn, I've just decided to first finish it completely then see what changes to make. 

WILL TOMO BE THE DAY I FINALLY DO FINISH? 💀

I can, I just have to get down to it. Let me try. A week is more than enough to do this anyway, out of which I whiled away most times I could have been doing it. 

Fragile

I've started enjoying imperfections. They give things so much more character. In faces, in traits, in places. 

Perfection is boring, it leaves nothing to the imagination. And yet, it doesn't really exist so who cares. But chasing it, now that's our biggest folly. 

Heavenly

 Cigarettes after sex - Heavenly

~

This is where I want to be.

Needing you now to come into me
Feeling it slow, over this dream
Touch me with a kiss, feel me on your lips

When you're above feeling it still
Tell me it's love, tell me it's real
Touch me with a kiss, touch me with a kiss

~

I've always loved slow soft songs. Especially theirs. A teeny bit of depth and a whole lot of feelings. 

And this

Crush

Damn. 

Pity I don't love anyone anymore. Songs just hit different when you do.