Got cocky and promptly hung my queen. Serves me right lmao. Do not celebrate until there is something to celebrate lol

Arthur C. Clarke on Bach

"Thereafter, he played only instrumental music. He started with the romantic composers, but shed them one by one as their emotional outpourings became too oppressive. Sibelius, Tchaikovsky, Berlioz, lasted a few weeks, Beethoven rather longer. He finally found peace, as so many others had done, in the abstract architecture of Bach, occasionally ornamented with Mozart. / And so Discovery drove on toward Saturn, as often as not pulsating with the cool music of the harpsichord, the frozen thoughts of a brain that had been dust for twice a hundred years"

~

Space Odyssey.

~

It's true. While I love some of the romantic composers, Bach truly does have my heart. His music is just spellbinding, especially the lifts. Grandeur in structure, as I've thought of before. I legitimately bow to thee. 

 I hate chess. I do. Mofo one wrong move and just got fucking annihilated and just want to fucking scream. 

After a long long time... I was in a space where people were just nice to me. Fuck. I felt so overcome by it. The bar is so on the floor lol. I can't do without this kind of sweetness though. I can't believe I was so starved for just basic decency. Wtf.

It's high time I streamlined life and not allow for respect to be off the table. Idk wtf I was thinking up till now but it's time to not allow for bullshit to enter my space anymore. 

Gutted as I am... By all the realisations I've had this week, I need to just collect myself and not let anyone be this disrespectful towards me ever again. I acknowledge that it's the first time in life I've been in a position where I've faced this type of prejudice and it feels godawful. But I can't change it. So I have to accept that people like that exist. That's all. 

Having a conversation with some folks and man they are so smart and interesting.

Nice. I had missed these conversations and company tbh. One of them seems to be hitting on me and I'm edging away. That's the only part that makes me uncomfortable tbh. I love these convos but gotta make sure people know my boundaries. 

But I must say... Nothing draws me in like someone who is intelligent, and a total go getter. Feels alive. 

I missed this vibe tbh. Hehe, why was I even bothered about anything, I'll find the best peeps whenever I go, of this I'm sure. 

And I'm done with M man. He is not worth it at all tbh

 Went for a long drive. Feels a lot better now. :)

Well, tomo is another day

Shit dude... I don't know what to think. The idea that someone might be viewing me with a lens that's so awful is so horrible I don't know how to release this thought from my mind. And yet, he is the same person that tells his friend to talk to girls in diff poor countries to get experience. I found it off then and now I realise it's cuz he must believe they'll be interested because of the diff in their nationalities. The idea that he can think I'm like that is so idk. I have never been subjected to this kind of bias. And yet, when push came to shove he assumed that I meant call me on insta which means he didn't think sharing his number with me was something he could do. A number he shares with every Tom Dick and Harry on his work but they are all white right. Lol. Fuck dude. To think someone can be so prejudiced and think of me with such prejudice and all this while I assumed we were friends. The fact is, he probably just thinks of me as those women he tells his friend to practice on, no investment, just returns types right. Fuck. How can someone be this horrid? How can someone just take my entire being and just put it in a trashcan like that? Lol. I'm so incredibly hurt. When I came across him for the first time, I was so wary. And he made me feel like I could relax which is why I even said hello. Why play me this way? I hope to god that he is an actual narcissist. That would be a lot better than him not being one and just being deliberate this way cuz idk what kind of monster you need to be to even treat someone like that. 

Idk what to do. I just feel so incredibly stabbed and this just hurts me if I even let myself think about it.

I have never been in this position in my life...never. but for the first time I feel so dirty... Like my insides feel dirty and gross and it just won't abate. 

Hmmm. Fuck it. I know my conscience is clear and I know how much niceness and care I genuinely showered on him. So at the end of the day, it's not my fault and it's not something I should make myself feel bad over. Next time, just have to make sure that respect is the cornerstone of any equation and friendship I cultivate. Life does have a way to bringing you unpleasant experiences, but at the very least find people who do right by you, I would do it for them, so I'm sure people like that do exist and I just need to ensure I'm respected from the start. Can't change the nature of the world, but you can choose who you include in your world.

Plus... I think I've taken enough hits. This is not worth it like I just. I don't think I've ever felt this horrible in my life.  

Edit:

Lol, found this pic and this is who I am. And I'll never let that change. 

Life's too short to let someone's views tarnish my inherent loving heart and one day someone worthwhile will receive all that I have to give and meet me the right way and be glad he did. And I will love you to the moon and back for ever and ever. ♥️

Hurt

That Christmas scene in Harry Potter keeps haunting me. 

Being out in the cold while looking into a window where people are warm and happy and all I can do is look. 

Ugh. Ever since I can remember, this has been the one defining memory that always made me feel like an outsider and today after so many goddamn years I feel exactly this way. :(

I'm just so hurt I can't even idk. I want to run away. Fuck I feel so fucking bad rn. It's all crashing down on me and it feels just so sick. 

I hate this feeling. I hate it. And I simply don't want to be out in the cold all the time, I'm just so done with this bullshit. And I never, ever want to feel this way again. 

Damn. Of all the twists and turns life can put you through, I never thought I'd be feeling the way I am today. And I'm genuinely just tired.

All I ever fucking wanted to do was make you smile and you just... You fucking asshole you absolute fucking asshole. For once I just want to cuss you out so bad and even now the words don't form because I can't let myself be mean to you even though in this very moment I so want to be. And I want to hate you so bad. I really do. 

Fucking bullshit.

Tomo is another day, I'll pick myself up then. Tonight, I'm gonna cry my eyes out and hopefully this shitty feeling abates. 

 🤮

Yuck bro. Just yuck. 

This fucking prevalent opinion that people from not rich countries are just scamming is so fucking unsettling and gross to me. Way to degrade someone's entire identity down to nothing and turn it into a fucking joke. 

Yuck.

I'm so utterly disgusted by it all. The worst part of it is how it just so demeaning. So many people I know... Absolute rockstars, top of their game, always building something amazing. And yet all of them at some point or the other have been reduced to their colour and country of origin and it's so fucking humiliating and sickening. 

I am genuinely so repulsed rn. 

Aaa

Whatever fuck it.

I'm going out and doing something fun screw this shit

Oop

Muck muck muck... Daily life of grime and bad intentions and muck muck muck. 

Such yuck. 

Music shall wash it all away. 

Shine.

Like this: 

Souvenirs D'enfance

Last FM

I was just checking mine and noticed a person I follow scrobbling at the same time. So strange and oddly soothing to know that somewhere far away someone else is doing the exact same thing I am. Feels a bit nice. 

Canon

Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit this fucking song zomg why did I find you and why do I love you so damn much fuck me. 

Canon in D - George Davidson

Also omg what a version aaaaa it makes me misty eyed and I feel like a small helpless girl who wants to be hugged. All my edges are gone and I'm a total softie and now I gotta hide this side of me from everyone and I also strangely want to cry a lil bit now. 

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT I'M SUCH AN EMO FOOL AAAAAAAA

Cheaters

My mum met L's mum and discussing why we don't talk anymore ugh. Both are so curious about it lmao. How tf can I tell you guys that L is a hoe who keeps cheating and tried to hook up with people I loved? You know what sucks? People who do shit like this and yet I've to be the one to hold my tongue cuz spilling it would mean destroying lives and I can't bring myself to do it. So I gotta grin and bear it. For no fucking fault of my own. You were my fucking best friend L. Fuck you. 

Pathetic. 

Djokovic

Checking some clips of his interview, and what he said about not staying in a negative mindset is something that is so valueable. Lately, whenever negative thoughts and fears have cropped up, I've been trying to address them and then let them go. It's great to hear someone as prolific as him admit to having them and not peddling the usual bs of being stronger mentally than others etc. 

Dammit Djoko. Sometimes I don't dislike you lol

Icky

Fears are funny, aren't they? I huffed and puffed at M a lil bit. He just... Idk sometimes he just takes things in such a wrong way. Like an interpretation that isn't even in my mind when I'm asking. And it bothers me a little bit because it's exactly how my mom also acts and ugh I just find it so so so hard and stifling when someone has a tendency to completely misunderstand my point and immediately start to strike. Like why is it their go to move? 

I've spent half my life just trying to battle this random inherited fears I've gotten from my mom. Fears that make me feel so helpless. Every shitty fear I have - not being loved, being trapped in a marriage with a person who doesn't love you or refuses to love you the way you feel secure, not being sure if the person you choose has your back... Allllll of this shit. It comes from her. 

And some days with M... It's like... So much of his behaviour just... Idk dude. Like I'm not scared of him or anything but I feel like... I feel like he lacks consideration towards me to be honest. Like okay... He never asks about me or says anything sweet to me... I let it go. But when on top of never showing me care in his words, when he then takes offence at something random I just end up thinking what the fuck yo.  Like even his random decision to not say hi. It... Idk man... It pushed my mind into this horrible place okay. And I want to be honest to myself what it was. The idea that he can be friends with all these folks - people who tell women streamers they can see their nipples, and they want to put a dog collar over them... People who run literal prostitution rings of sorts while being educators, people who tell 62 to women I want to see you kneeling in a room of 50 men. A statement that honest to god is the worst that I've ever heard in my life. Like... The idea that he can be on talking terms with all these people, group chats with their random buddies who he has never known or met and yet... Ugh... Idk. Like what awful thing does he think about me that he can make those choices but refrains from saying hi to me? Is it my colour? My nationality? My gender? A mix of all three? Idk man... I really don't want to think that he has elements of prejudice of this nature but I mean. I don't get what else it could be. And this thought just makes me sick honest to god. Like the very idea is so unbelievably repulsive. And it's so gutting to even realise that it could be this. I think I keep flaring up at him too because I hate that mistrust and it makes me in turn be suspicious of him and ugh. I hate all of it. 

I should not be in a position where I need to even wonder this stuff about someone. Lol. 

I always thought a day could arrive in my life that someone could look down on my race or make me feel like they do or something. I just never in a million years thought it would be him who would make me wonder this. It's the first time in my life that I've had to and idk everything inside me is just shrivelling up and feeling icky. And he didn't even care when I brought it up to him, even though I didn't specify why I felt so gross. He just dug in and said feel better etc and it was all so cold. 

I don't know what to make of any of this. Even if it's not any of this, it was still not right of him to behave the way he did and definitely very unfeeling to be so inconsiderate and for what? For something so small and tiny like. 

At the end of the day... The only question left to ask myself is - 

Do I need to settle for being treated like this? Do I want to? Do I want to constantly be made to feel like I'm insignificant?

No. I don't. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 

Fuckz I hope I'm wrong about all this and it's something else that I haven't thought of that's not this fucking awful man. Ugh. But I still should never ever be in a position where I have to wonder if the person I've spent two years talking to thinks I'm sketch yuck yuck yuck. Also, he can't be that sketch either come onnnn P. Don't think this about him. Don't distrust him to this extent or think he is capable of this shit, it might be some other things that you don't know of, just this once give it the benefit of doubt. You always chose to trust him, just don't give up on that now and for this of all things. 

Ugh... I need this thought to get out of my head.

Sometimes I even wonder if he is terrified of opening up to me because the idea that I may actually  be a good person who won't fuck him over that's hard to come to terms with. Lol. It's like he just expects to be fucked over somehow god knows why. Well, I can't do anything about this. Lol. For all I know he must just be doing his holiday inn rounds and here I am thinking he changed. Haha, yeah who knows? Maybe I'm just a complete idiot. 

Fuck dude. Why do you make things so weird and hard? Life should be simple and lived simply not spent wondering about peoples' I'll intentions all the fucking time. 

Dandelion

Emotions can be so topsy turvy sometimes in that they can be changeable. I definitely do not have a solid state if something is wrong in life which isn't correcting itself. But most often I'm learning to just feel the lows in the moment and then let them go. I typed out something a while ago, felt it, read it and deleted it. And then realised that it's okay to just let go once the delete button is pressed. Interesting. I'm learning lol.