You're also kinda loyal to your people na... You always make it a point to stand up for them the minute you think I said something critical. Nice. :)  Why did I find you intimidating again? Weird. Lmao. 

Fuck dude... I never realised how crazily paranoid you gotta be to do that job. What the fuck. Dayum. That way it's just crazy and what a completely insane way to have to live life. Fuck. I've literally never had to question anyone. Lmao in fact I should have a bunch of times in life and I didn't, in this kinda stuff I'd just get suckered and how. Craaaazy. 

Hmmm. I guess I understand it to some extent too. Can't still be okay with not being trusted though, I mean it is what it is. There's something v horrible about having your integrity under a scanner when you haven't done anything wrong. I hate that, quite possibly one of the very few things I just loathe. Just feels outrageous to have someone's back always and then be seen as someone to be kept at bay. And like it's so icky to even say things like hey I'm actually good. Like who does that? You gotta be able to discern that for yourself and if you still doubt it then there's no more to be said. There's no real equation that can anyway be built on suspicion and it's just fucking uncomfortable when you know everything you do is under a scanner. I just hate that shit so much. But whatever, I get it also I suppose. In all this how do you even decide though? Like... I actually don't know. Man, what a shit position to be in. Hmmm. I guess it comes down to leap of faith. I took one with him, despite all the shit people would say. I know how paranoid it made me at that time, but I got over it. And I was there for him and would do it again if I have to. Lol, I even gave him my number that day, it was just my way of trying to show I trust and believe him. Kinda juvenile of me maybe, lol. But I also am clumsy so I don't quite understand how to communicate trust any other way. Lol, being there silently and supportively is the only way I know how to show it, I can't word these things. My love language is acts of service, it's what I find the most comfortable to demonstrate I guess. Even as a kid, whenever I wanted to be friends with someone or liked them I'd just offer to share my toys cuz I didn't know how to say come let's go play. And I was vv shy so I'd stay quiet and hope we become friends lol. And get hurt if they didn't and then just quietly go home and leave them alone. Lmao. I was a total baby. I still am a total baby when it comes to this stuff. And I sulk lots when I feel hurt too. So possibly just comes down to that. It's not as if I have nothing to lose either, trust isn't something that comes easy to me. My life is important to me too. Nor do I willingly share myself with anyone easily but I did take a chance on him. Yeah, I don't regret it. But yes, definitely takes time to whet I guess. Fucks. I'm glad I waited and I'm glad I didn't just disappear the few times I was so mad and hurt that I just wanted to say fuck it and go. I do value him lots and I don't want that to change. Lol, what a weird ass thing to have to even think of na. I genuinely wish there wasn't any need for all this paranoia tbh. I hate it, I hate having to look over my shoulder or try to second guess what people mean etc. even though I guess it's a useful skill. :( I'm a lil sad about this ngl. You should have been my neighbour or something lol. Then no need to be so skeptical. I don't even want to think of what all he might have had to be skeptical about. Lmao, and I nicely used to get mad and rant when I wanted to. I don't think I was off base so I hope he can understand why either. It's like some random invisible wall that exists because the world sucks so you are forced to create one. 

You know...I'm so scared of even saying I value someone these days. I never had that issue growing up. But that time I used to feel like everything was my fault and everyone else was always right. So I used to simply not even realise the times I got fucked over, I just assumed it was me who was the problem and I have to do better. And I guess that's left me bruised quite often. At the back of my mind there's always this one thought - what if I decide to say I do and then just get fucked over? Lol, if only you understood me enough to know how scary I find that. And how hard it was for me to come to the point where I genuinely now do. I always used to be broken into two. Part of me that implicitly agrees to believe, and the other part that's like okay now that I've said it, I won't ever question it so don't fuck me over. Cuz I can't live in the middle state of saying yes I do and then look over my shoulder or analyse everything anyway. I won't do that. And I don't do that now either. It took me effort to get here though. Lol, so whatever don't ever fuck me over please, I'll be hurt beyond measure. And I will never find the words to actually say any of that out loud so I'll just slink away cuz I can't do more pain and unhappiness again. I've had enough pain and unhappiness to deal with, I'm done with all that shit. I've never allowed myself to be deliberately vindictive but what that meant was that I had to absorb a lot of hits without retaliation. But somewhere along the way it dawned on me that choosing not to harm someone isn't the same as allowing them to destroy you while you stand by. But it's time I also catch a break. Esp now that I'm recovered, I will not let anyone destroy my peace, no matter how much I love them. And in my own way I do love you. That's actually also true. It's why I try to give you little glimpses of my friends and try being transparent about who I spoke to and what was said etc. It's just my way of idk... keeping things open. Even though you don't ask so it feels a bit strange to say it anyway, but I don't like keeping secrets so I try to share whatever I feel was imp atleast. Like the other day I wanted to tell you how irritating I find it when that other dude tries to portray me as someone who is in on his flirtatious schemes when I've never once done that. And I backed off talking ages back and he still makes it seem like that and it's probably trivial but I hate it cuz I don't like anyone staking a claim to me that way. Plus he is a decent donor so obv I don't want to say anything rude and I won't, I'll ignore it and laugh it off, but yukky can't say I like it. And if I try to bring it up unasked it'll just sound so fucking stupid so I don't. Such random nonsense lol.

It's amazing how I can never really bring myself to pick easy paths, huh? Lolol.

Ehhhhhh. 

Okay forget it, I don't wanna think of all this shit. No use letting imagination run wild, it'll just make me go into some random flights of silliness that serve no purpose. People can fuck you over whether they are brand new or if you've known them for years it's not some set in stone thing just gotta be able to discern well who falls under which category. I've first hand experience here. Trusted a friend for years and one day he woke up and told me he sees no value in me, and then proceeded to stalk me relentlessly, no apology, no actual acknowledgement of his shitty actions but just straight up made me the bad person and proceeded to shit on me relentlessly. People just do these things. And I remember those wife beater type lines he gave me..." you made me say it, I didn't want to but you asked ". Lol. What a joke. Blah. Shit happens. And I don't let myself think about people once they cross a certain threshold. I didn't with him and I won't with anyone else either. Anyway. Not gonna waste time thinking about all this. Fuck this depressing shit. 

Hope to see the Russian score a date lol. Let's focus on that instead, much nicer. :D Nice of him to apologise too. Shows he knows the line, that's sweet.

Man, some days this boy is like a lil kid and others he is so intimidating. That's an interesting spectrum. I've v rarely known anyone I consider intimidating tbh. But with him, there are certain moods of his, and certain ways of just switching into being serious that's quite unshakeable in him. I wonder if he is aware of that. I wonder how many people see him that way. Idk why I at times just feel like a child when I see him in that mode. That's so weird cuz I'm a full fledged adult lolol. Like today he is serious, and I think he might have put the last few days to actually brushing up on stuff cuz he seems serious about getting on that board. So no fooling around. Hmm actually I find it intimidating cuz I feel like in those moments he is in total control and I don't like feeling ummm.. helpless? Idk how to put it. There's something here I'm not correctly interpreting. What do I find intimidating here? Okay there's deffo something I want to understand it. 

Ugh. And that question he asked during that lecture, why did I just default to giving the stupid answer. I actually knew instantly what should be played but then felt wtf what if I'm wrong and then didn't say it. Why do I hate being wrong? I need to route out this feeling too, and not make jokes to deflect. I end up hating it later. Hmmm. Fine, I'll be sincere when it counts from now. 

Ugh. What is the intimidating bit though? I'm still unable to articulate. He is literally humming rn lmao but still. Is a part of me still afraid of him? Or some bit of him? Idk. Interesting. Vvv interesting. I'll think about it later. 

Anyway, no more reacting from a place of intimidation. In any avenue in life. I'm not letting any weird weakness reside in me. 

Ugh... Actually I think I hate that I don't know enough chess. I hate that. I hate sucking at something and I hate being bad at it and I hate it so much that I don't even want to ack it. And if I ack it then it will mean I can't excuse not putting in effort. DILEMMA 

Regardless. I should not be intimidated by him not after all this time. 🚫

 New day, got up early, let's gooooo

And today is for the Foo Fightersssss

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best of youuu?

Here's to playing air guitars in dingy rooms and jumping on beds cuz why notttt

Imagination is a funny thing. Just ends up magnifying everything without any rhyme or reason. I had a conversation with an old group of folks and almost instantly realised how stifling their behaviour used to be. Can't believe I used to hang out with them. Fuck. What they say about environments is true, toxic ones have a habit of bringing you down no matter how strong you are. It's like you are constantly stuck battling that negativity. And the thing with these people is, they can't see anyone happy. They get jealous the minute they feel you are doing well and will try whatever they can to pull you down. No wonder even I developed a sharp tongue and learnt how to give cutting replies to these fucktards. And what's with everyone trying to dictate to you what to do or how to behave. God. It's like some weird thing where they just want you to be one way and one way only. And think it's their birthright to try and pull you in some direction only they want you to be going in. Sheesh. I just wanna stay far far away from such people I'm just done with this garbage. My mind vomits at the thought of having to be around these folks. Plus what bothers me is how stuff like this makes me so wary and on edge. Then even I end up being v defensive. It's so hard to just let go or not let this shit impact me. Annoying man... V v annoying. 

Whatever, just gotta keep away and stay busy so I don't have to deal with it. Shake shake... Shake it off! 

Lost a long game due to a stupid oversight and my god I'm mad. It is unreal how angry chess can make you, something about that break in concentration when you miss a move is painful asf. 

I wanna break 1800 tonight atleast for rapid it's been ages and I haven't how pathetic.

Edit: okay got ten points back. I'm surprisingly liking this time control a lot more than blitz. And there's a lot of fun in just visualising now that I'm starting to get the hang of it. Interesting. Plus this goes well with my tea time chilling. Hehe. Nice nightly routine. ♥️

 Ugh I'm playing badly again

Moviessss

Okay found a decent list! Can refer again too. I remember watching burning and absolutely loving it. So much good cinema out there, so little time. I remember some old Korean anthology film made by 4 directors. Just can't remember it's name. It was horror themed and one of the whackiest movies I'd seen that year. Even The Handmaiden. What a completely nuts movie that was. I really need more good recos. 

https://agoodmovietowatch.com/movieslike/burning-2018/

Snoozed a bit and had a strange dream. Felt so weird when I woke up. Queasy. 

Today I'm gonna find some really good movie to watch. Just do nothing except laze around with a good thriller. 

Came out for breakfast and the service is so slow that I could probably take a nap and wake up and still be waiting.

So many folks come out on a Sunday, just to chill with their families. I see a lot of kids rn, lots of chatter, everyone is casual. Sometimes people are so engrossed in their lives. Esp people with kids, they always seem in a hurry to do something or the other. Never do I see them relaxed. Children are such a huge time commitment, most folks just end up being on auto pilot once they have them. And kids are funny they just do their own thing they forget to eat etc and you have to constantly be on their case. Do this, do that. Lol. I wonder what kinda mom I'd be if I had a kid. Depends on the kid I suppose. I'm pretty certain those naughty ones will harass the crap out of me. Esp boys. God, boys are a total mindfuck at times the things they keep doing. Boys are also a bit closer to their mums than their dads. Idk maybe it's a guy thing though. Generally they are so inexpressive with other men. Probably social conditioning. Most of my guys friends have had no issues opening up to me. But they would straight up act all tough with other guys. Lol, I've noticed even M and his friend. They are basically like brothers, a wayward one and a caring one. But M will act all tough with him. Won't coddle at all. Atleast not in front of anyone. Lmao. I find it both endearing and fascinating. Even now, he is being all strict and not giving as much attention as he used to. I'm sure that's by design. He would be a very natural parent tbh. He has all those traits in him as far as I can tell. I don't think I can be strict with anyone tbh. I just melt. Yeah, I'd be the kind to coddle so much they'll be spoilt. I might be strict if they are idiots though. Like the type who do dangerous stuff. Then I'd go mad. But you never know with all this stuff. I just don't want to be like my parents though. I won't be. These days people seem to be doing a lot better as parents too. Whoever I see, has a lot of flexibility and patience and understanding. That's really nice. There's so many elements within your own self you should fix, before you decide to take responsibility for someone else. That's really important. Otherwise all you do is pass on flawed frameworks. Like idk when I see Di. I'm not sure what kind of a parent she would make. She is definitely v responsible in terms of her material goals. But emotionally, I feel she has a kind of self centeredness that is hard to shake off. From personal experience, children don't fix that trait either. So I'm not sure. M doesn't want any kids. She is happy with her aunt status. Me, I'm open to it, but only if whoever I'm with also wants it equally, otherwise I'm okay without too. So it's just open ended. And most of my other friends don't. 

When I was talking to S, I got the sense that he may also not want any, but I feel like his gf has a larger say in this lmao. Man, the thing he said about her checking if he is online on WhatsApp 💀💀💀. Fuck. People can be sooo controlling. I could totally tell he was on the verge of making boomer jokes lol. Even Di would do this. I remember she used to want to check G's phone etc. That's so nuts. Like... so I don't have an issue if my partner reads my messages or anything. I actually am happy to share and in general I think I'm pretty open about who I spoke to what happened etc. But if someone is doing it because they don't trust you, that would feel v uncomfortable. Haha, actually I just don't think I'd ever like a partner like Di, as a friend it is okay and I'm happy to be there. But I can't imagine going through life with someone who may or may not be over their ex, yet controlling of me. Too nightmarish. Plus I don't get it. If you feel insecure you should tell your partner and try to get them on board with it, not distrust them to the point that you have to go behind their backs to be certain. And adding kids to this mindset. Lol. Sounds super healthy. 

Okay food is finally here. Good. I'm hungryyyy

Listening to Upper Extremities again... What a gorgeous album. Some of these insanely talented fuckers won't even put out recordings of their work, the amount I had to search to find this lmao. Crazy crazy 

Mood

Fuck my cramps are so bad this time. Damn. Haven't experienced this much pain and discomfort in a long time.

If I had a dog, I would not be able to take it out for a walk today 💀

Whew! Finally played a nice long game with just 1 inaccuracy and time was also used well and it was epic fun! Woot woot.  Absolutely crushing, won two pieces. Then got too excited and gave a rook but who cares the engine sure didn't wooohooo. I'm so happy 😁

I like complicated positions, always great to think more than less. The boring ones make me lose focus tbh. Yaay I'm gonna break 1800 for the first time in rapid soon. Wanna get to 2000 atleast. Should be doable. 

Sometimes I wish I had someone who played chess who I could share this with lol. It just feels nice 🙂

Listening to Woo - Taize again. I really like it, just the right vibe. Into the heart of love it be.

~

Oo 9th Dec. P's bday. I wonder how she is doing. Two people in my life I'd met who I instantly got along with, like we were old friends who always knew each other. Both born on 9th Dec. Pragya and Sara. I wonder where they both are now. I remember there was once a time in school the boys thought we were gay cuz we hung out together all the time and played tennis lmao. Such assholes they were. Seeing this pic now and I'm wondering why tf were we having coffee at a candlelight place lmao. It's shit like this that made them think so I bet. Oh wait, even that blue jacket she is wearing is mine.  Lolol. Suuuch an old pic this be, back from Engineering or so, blurry asf. But I love it anyway. So much stupid shit we used to do, man it was just incredible! 

Awwie!!! Happy b'day praggs!! Wish I hadn't lost your number, but even so! Bestie! Hehe 

Let there be light 🕯️

Reading about Hanukkah. So interesting. It's also called the festival of lights. I never knew that. I love the symbolism of lighting lamps. Even during Diwali, lighting lamps is the one part that I actually enjoy. Something about fire and it's orange warmth is very dear to me, as is candle light. Judaism is one religion I haven't known well. I like that I can see it with fresh eyes. There's so much deep history that I can just appreciate and learn about and my lack of exposure means I can do it right. Baby steps.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't known any religion and could actually learn about them with an open mind instead of the viewpoint that was drilled into me as a kid which made it hard to be objective. My mind has this firm distinction between the organised part of religion v the divine part of it. The latter to me is simply a conversation with yourself and your conscience, your soul and as such should be as deep as you want it to be. I do believe in the power of faith, and I believe the act of praying helps you be strong or atleast gives you a framework to tap into your own reserves of will. That's the part I find miraculous, how the underlying design of worship is a way for you to keep your own demons at bay and access the bits within yourself that help you in your own time of trouble. 

Love and safety, we all need that at the end of the day. 

Whew. Finally unwinding a little bit. Every day I say I'm gonna stretch and warm up before a workout then don't and now my body is aching and legs feel like they'll fall off. No matter what I do, it feels like atleast a thing or two remains unfinished. 💀

I think I need to switch to morning workouts cuz evening ones are ruining sleep schedule too, I end up staying up all night almost every night. Haven't played a long game in a few days too although I'll do that in a bit today but I just find it easier to do that early morning. Was seeing some of M's games with that low life heckling going on. Idk from where these kinda people pop up. How frustrated can you be in life to just follow someone around in order to bully them as they work? And that one thing he said was quite malicious. Engaging with these people is also no use but I hate that. I hate this thing about the internet where just cuz you have anonymity you can say whatever crap you want without consequences or minimal consequences. 

Sometimes it makes me wonder how many people are actually this way on the inside but just pretend otherwise. I remember that Ryan dude from L's wedding, who had just started calling me names and in general being toxic towards me even though I'd never even spoken to him. I still remember it vividly cuz one of the few times in life someone just said shit to me to my face, usually noone crosses that line. And I remember when his ex gf came to meet with L and co and she spent that entire afternoon just bitching about him to his face. Pretty sure he must be a v nasty person who just hates the world cuz he isn't good at anything himself. I used to think people like him would be nice if you are nice to them but I feel now that their inadequacy is so strong that they will hate you cuz they hate anyone who is doing better in life than them. Being nice will just give them licence to bully more.  And will try anything to bring them down even though...Well frankly even though I had never noticed him or wanted to know anything about him. Lol, but even I gotta stop engaging with people like him. I mean its been ages since I saw him last like but this instance always stayed with me on account of how unprovoked it was and the number of times it repeated.  I'm sure his online persona must be much worse. Give him anonymity and he must really show his true self unfiltered.

Hmm. I've got to learn to be more dismissive of certain people. You don't look at turds, you just flush them. Always a good policy to adopt in life. 

Hehe, I should tell M that. I hate these fuckers who annoy him for no reason, they just feed off the attention I guess. Must be v tough to disengage also like all said and done all this hate and negativity, as unwarranted as it is...does irritate somewhere. Hmmm. Yeah I'll pitch it to him... Picture them as you would a loose bit of diarrhoea. The revolting image should be enough incentive to shut them out.