Up so early and it's so lovely just laying here in the cold room while the world is still. Ended up seeing some of this person's tennis for a few minutes. It was so oddly chill. Very rhythmic so felt nice. Sound of a ball smacked in the centre is just perfect.  Then I went 😤 what am I doing? And stopped. All at 5.30 am lmao. Hehe. I feel so peaceful right at this moment that I do not wish for it to end. Lol he smacked his own camera good good. 😬 

Ugh. Imma cuddle my pillow and sleep it off.

~

The odd thing about snoozing extra is the inevitable dream you remember. Mine rn was just for some reason an odd text going his way which was for someone else and had some guy's name and before I could delete my keyboard acts up and the navigation gets glitchy and he sees and sends me " cindy tinder 😘"lmaoo. With some other random cutting responses that are blurry... something about South Korea or Suzanna Clarke or such and then I'm just annoyed someone would even presume I'd intentionally send something wrong and double annoyed that they'd be so petty and then I woke up half grumps. 😭😂 

~

Haha, serves me right for that odd fond feeling I had. And for enjoying some peace and quiet how can the universe allow for that? 

Maaan, even in my dream he is some petty, vengeful fellow hahahahaa. Like the idea of a mature person is completely out the window here. Even my subconscious is like nah, no way! Oh man. Hah. That was low key funny just cuz it was sooooo annoying. 

The keyboard nav glitch was actually interesting. A very weird set up, nothing working quite the same. The second text was half gibberish and a bit norwegian idk where that came from. 

Dreams are weird, huh? No wonder people used to think of them as omens, they feel so utterly real in the few moments you first wake up. 

Oh well, dreams are dreams and fun when they are absurd, but irl one needs to be considerate and kind. I guess in retrospect it was a good idea to draw a firm boundary to only allow for that to show. It didn't, but that's what I needed to know. 

~

I want to beat some 2000s today just. 

Turbulence

I remember Skyroads every time I listen to synthwave. And it takes me back to a time I knew was just fucking infinite. 

How I chase that feeling even now. 

Turbulence

Even the cover is like Skyroads damn. Love it. 

~

Wash over me, why don't you? 

Some days have started feeling super tedious. I feel like if I'm not chasing some goal or something I feel listless. Even anything small just makes me feel energised. Routine work ends up feeling monotonous asf. Idk man. Just a bit too strange and bored at times. 

What I truly miss are genuine and good conversations. Like in depth ones.

Bro was showing me some colleague of his who is a chef on the side and does those home bakery pop ups. It was so nice. I feel like you gotta have some passion you wish to pursue on the side as you grow older. For some folks maybe kids are that project. Hmmm. 

Welp. It's okay. This too shall abate. The perpetual curse of a mid life crisis. Been having it for years now lmao. Ooopsies. 

~

Oh lordy lord Kyrgios doing lines lmao. I'm surprised he wasn't doing them earlier tbh. Comes as a surprise to absolutely noone. 

However, when I did see him play, he was definitely very good at charming crowds and kids in particular. I suppose events are his thing. Hmm. Wonder what statement he would give out. Probably just use it as an excuse for something or just be like oops. Heh. I'd bet on the latter. Responsibility isn't for everyone. 

~

Like a good little person I'm stopping at 1960. Look at me. So very good. 

Need to be a bit inspired. Maybe see some good games it's been agessss. I've become lax on chess tbh. Time for some magnus tt

~

Until then... 

Angel 

I'd forgotten this band even exists. 

Workin' on me! 

Woke up bright and early, went out to play, saw the traffic and took a u turn back lmao. Fuck. How very crazy it is at 8 am and why. 

Early risers ruin it for everyone. 

~ 

Heh...now I gotta wait around. Tick tock tick.

~

Wow I can still hear the traffic outside that's wild. Whatever happened. Maybe I should have just walked lol

~

Tracking my parcel in the post feels soooo nice lmao. It's chilling in France rn. I love the idea of post man. For as long as I can remember I've been fascinated by tiny articles just going around the world in their own merry time. How quaint. Hope my rakhi reaches bro before 28th! Hehe. I bought him Hello kitty that too. 🤭 Bet he would love it. 😬

~ 

lmc what's up with chess today. 

Time flies except at 3 - 5 pm wherein it stops and crawls. Jeez. August 18th already though wuuut. 

~

Hayden Panittere passed away. That's so shocking ngl. So young. Poor thing. :( rip. Some lives just get too wrecked, huh? 

I hope cousin and baby can come home soon. It's weird to think of a tiny baby in an incubator. :(  Little ones' first brush with the world.

These days I don't feel like sharing news like this with anyone anymore tbh. Just feel like if it's own family then should keep it sort of low key.

~

Had such a strange dream like we and by we I mean me and some other people who I don't know were trying to leave some place on a 'spring express' from like a matrix we were stuck in. It was weird and cool but we were thwarted! Oh no! What a weird dystopian world it was. Hmmm. Wish I could remember more it was super interesting. 

~

Wondering if I should go play today. Kinda tired but also it would be fun so idk lol. It's so sunny though oof. 

Waking up a tiny bit too early just makes me want to snooze for a while longer, but the brightness outside does not let me fall asleep. How I love this warm feeling of coziness under a light sheet in a cold room. Waking at 7.30 also feels too late now tbh.

Mmmhmmmmm. Okay maybe ten more mins. 😴

~

I look forward to today...work hard, have fun and then chill. Yummy! 

~

Welp. It's afternoon and I'm finding chess incredibly frustrating rn. Just wanting to snap at everything cuz the games were so bad. Geez. Total waste lol. 

~

Just one of those days huh

Yukky just realised its that awful dudes bday ugh. Wish him nothing but worms in his food. The only truly scummy human I've ever been with and god let maggots rain on his stupid face forever. Wish him nothing but the worst. 

~

The larger the distance from an event, the more you realise how messed up it was. A good thing about being in your 20s is that we never really took all this stuff too seriously and in retrospect that was a good way to navigate life lol. And I was left holding a bloody sheet like 💀

~

It was also the only time in life that I found someone so repulsive within a tiny span of time. Like a shiver down my spine and I was revolted at the thought of being in the presence of someone whose vibe was sickening. Such an anomaly to regular folks man. 

Never again yo. Heh. I guess one must have atleast one thing in life you truly regret doing, that would be it for me. The only silver lining I see is that now I know stuff like that exists. Meh. Whatever. 

A heartfelt bleaagh. 🤢🤮🪱

Heh, it's good to see keyboard kindly offering up worm emojis when you type vomit. I feel seen. ♥️

Loved playing today... Just loved it. It was so hot and dry. Everything felt like being in a desert. And somehow that felt great. My movement is better, some dude whose name I forgot rallied with me for a couple of hours and it was great. Fuck, I should not forget names. Lol...still. and watching those lil kids in their fitness gear was even better. All these folks are generally sweet and friendly. Esp that one dude who comes on the weekdays, he seems super kind and considerate. I really should remember names. 

That 11 yo who won the nationals was also there today. Damn he is good. Ugh. It feels sooo damn nice to see all this activity. Really, really love it. 

~

These little things bring me a lot of joy ngl. I'm so glad I decided to play and stuck it out when I fell sick, the injury and the myriad new aches and pains lol. And I'm glad I just find obstacles frustrating and not full stops. Shit. These little pockets of life feel nice. 

~

One of the cutest things I noticed is how tiny kids all go and make friends with other tiny kids who match their height lol. That is sooooo adorable. They don't talk to older ones but just like ducklings run towards their age folks. Oh my goodness. Just adorable. 

~

This was a good tennis week. I look forward to resting tomo and back on court next week. Going back to play has been a great decision, honestly. 

~

Why are all the buns I bought just squished 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

Aaaaa. Every one of themmmmmmm 😩😩😩😩😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Cousin delivered her baby yesterday evening it seems. I'm so happy for her!! Gave me a jump scare when she said she was planning the c section on 19th, so close to someone's bday lol. I have known too many august borns. But heyyy. She had it yesterday!! Wooohooo! I'm soooo happy for her. It's great news after so long! All the love and care for her. ♥️

~

Playing poople and blitz lol. After so long I've played blitz and my level is as shit as ever. Well. Tomo is a new day!

~

Omg. I'm so happy there's a new baby girl in the family tbh. May she have a lovely life, a blessed one, a safe one. 

Woke up so weary today. I really feel so bad. Spoke to brother also and like... I miss having him around so much. In general this down in the dumps feeling is existing inside me suddenly. I don't want to rationalise it either. Like talking to him yesterday and we were discussing parents and like ... Meh. I don't even want to think of it anymore man. 

~

I feel emotionally exhausted, I really do. 

All my life I used to wonder how adults can be so shitty. Now that I'm old enough to understand them, I still don't get it. I would never ever be this way, and I don't ever want to be like any of these people. Like fuck this bullshit man.

~

Pro tip in life... Never pick people that make you feel unimportant. They can all go to hell and stay there for all I care. People who don't prioritise me and show me loyalty... I'm just done with that.

:(

Maybe tomo is a nicer day, who knows 

Watched a game against a 2800 and saw analysis also, and man. Without any blunders it's still hard to win. And b4 in that position. Never seen it before. Was so fun tbh. Just throwing a pawn in the queen's face lmao. Suck it, Queenie. 

That really felt nice to see.

~

I'm feeling soooooo emotional today man. Just sooooo eems. Missing folks left and right, esp brother. Ugh.... Everything feels so sentiiiii. Ai ai aiiiii

~

Losing all games also back to back. I'm so sad rn. I want some tlc.

~

Lol... Some pic of neimann at a piano with the most idiotic expression + a tennis 🎾 toy came up and I'm just like. 😅 Atleast it made me laugh. Just peak fuckery. This weird tennis obsession these guys have makes me think it's all fake and for views. No skill, just noise. Now in piano. 

Federers bday today! Lol. Wonder if he weeps when he cuts his cake. 😬 Hehe, just so fond of him man. Everytime his face pops up somewhere I'm just like naaaah. Kids of today do noooot compare! Hehe. ♥️

There's always some clowns in chess who will play a piss poor game then start harassing in chat and calling you a cheater like. Jesus. How fucking lame do you need to even be? 🙄 Not even smart enough to run analysis to see how badly they played. I just hate it so much tbh. 

Sheesh. People like this really irritate the fuck out of me. Ruins every game. 

No creatine and I feel so much better today zero headache or dehydration. Useless substance. Good I'm ditching it. 

~

Man, I have to legit give some credit for some of the life changes I've made like no drinking, more discipline etc in a teeny way to M. He made me want to be more responsible. Hehe. I still remember when I first came around him and realised a few things which kinda made me want to grow up. I didn't really give a shit about anything properly before that. I suppose being responsible towards someone is a very ingrained part of my love language. Even watching him be sooooo sensitive made me feel shocked at first, but then it made me want to be sweet to him and kinda baby him lol. Not in a way where I thought less of him, but more in like... 'hey I do think well of you, why don't you see that?' Kinda way. I was fairly protective of him. And lord knows I would noooot have been that patient with anyone else. 

But it's not a good thing to have to lower standards to accomodate someone's behaviour. I would not have thought highly of anyone else if they behaved like that. That's true too, I am used to people that are free and open, and honest to a large degree. I suppose that's as good a reason to have walked as the many others he presented me lol. Maybe some people come by to trigger a change in you, which can be a good thing. Changes can stick, even if you can't. Oh well. He can have a happy life with his tinder and his urge to devalue everyone I guess. 

~

Lol. I started the thought with wanting to give him credit but then like... Eff that. I'll change for myself and be responsible for me. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🙄🙄🖕🏼🖕🏼I'm sure his twitch girls and whoring around will suffice in that dept, no need for me to unnecessarily give any. Meh.

Yeah well. If I had ever done all the shit he did, I'm sure the hatred would have been through the roof so despite it all, I'm deffo still a lot kinder than anyone else would have been, if the roles were reversed. Ergo there's room for more spitefulness 💪🏼😁. 

I just don't hate him enough, or at all for that matter. I think that's what I actually hate... That I don't dislike him much lol. Ugh. I know that this urge to poke and needle definitely means I still give a shit. Heh. Well, the day I don't, I'll simply forget him entirely. I don't yearn for that day, if I had, it would have been here already. Against my better judgement ofc. 😬

~

I used to be this naive kid who felt like I should only love someone once, properly. And I refused to give my heart out to just anyone. I've never been all in towards anyone tbh. And then life happened and it taught me about my own naivety. How very sad. I hope my periods are round the corner, they are a tad bit late this time. Probably explains the urge to weep also hehe. A sprinkle of sadness which is a lie cuz it's just hormones. How I try to stand outside myself like an observer sometimes. Yeah well, I'm not very emotive irl so atleast I can keep this space for my dramatics. Noone ever knows how I feel anyway. 

~

And so it goes, as vonnegut had reminded us. 

~

Periods just arrive already pls... Being emo is a drag. And missing people also sucks ass