Lol... The silent treatment is on in full swing. Heh. Whatever man. I am tired of this type of emotional manipulation and drama. I shall not care anymore. 

~

Taking a rest day from tennis, will go tomo. Maybe a short run today evening. Or you know... Abandoning everything in favour of staying home.

~

I came across some post about a rich dude with auto immune and it says people's likelihood of developing more diseases is higher. Damn. I never knew that. :( 

~

Why tf is it that when I view someone elses' game I can very correctly calculate but not my own? 🙄What am I missing? Ability, skill most likely lol. Fuck it. 

~

 Wanted 24 sliding to 19 lmao. Beautiful. Today is just NOT my day

First brutal sess. Fuck the sun man. Holy moly. Was just feeling sooooo drained in the heat. Lol. The drills were fun though. And yet I could not hit anything properly. This coach just enjoys chatting more than anything lmao. Could totally tell he was wasting time. Complete bore. Hope I get someone else tomo! 

Oh man need to stretch my legs are soooooo tight rn. 😭 Someone teach me!! 😔 I really should stay overtime and do them on the court itself. Dunno why I scooted early. Hmmm.. ok nvm. 

Tomo is another day! Why isn't it here already?

~

Lol, caught a glimpse of this fellow and I suppose he was showing off for some women. As per usual heh. Tigers and stripes. Meh.

~

Just when the day was going well, mum had to call and fight lol. It's crazy to me how telling someone not to speak a certain way can generate such a big fit. Complete with oh you get angry with me lots to then not eating lunch and then giving the silent treatment. This is just wildly erratic behaviour. I hate that ngl. 

One thing I've learnt now...like all these tantrums and nastiness is not something I want in anyone else ever. Can't choose parents but can damn well choose everyone else. Sadly, I understand why dad chooses to live as far away as possible whenever he can. This kinda volatility is not nice.

Hmm. Whatever. Onwards with the day I guess. Let's just do some more work so the next few days are freeish. 

Boho days

Lol. Back to college feel ngl. I love small slings. What an impromptu shopping pitstop this was. Fun!

Let's watch sinner struggle now! 🎉🥳 . I wish djoko could get 25. Damn dude. That would be nice. But equalling FedEx on this surface? No thanks!  Just playing the one hander these days feels so damn good. 

And I want 2400 rapid. 😤 I'll find time to play seriously before sleeping. Atleast 2-3 games a day. I know I can get there... Something about just calculating. I know I can do it. 😤😤. 2100 soon hopefully. Instead of being streaky, I should be intentional. That's one area to conquer. 😤😤

 Up at 6 am by myself. 💪🏼 How very proud of me I am. Going to play a bit later on though. Just lying in bed trying to snooze a bit more lol. I wonder if that other lady will come today. It was nice meeting her. People with kids yo. Sheesh. I always forget people have so many kids now lol 

~

Okay lets go play! 

~

Yaay coach says after a while can start playing club level tourneys. That will be sooo fun. Gotta start footwork practice tbh. Feels good to do all this ngl. Look forward to tourneys in a few more months. Let's see what club players bring.

I'm still going Haaland Haaland hahaha oh man. What a guy though, tied for goals with Mbappe. Insane. Just for this Norway better win another match. Good to see them do well ngl. Football fever is just another level always!

~

Periods done, spoke to bro lots, generally chirpy and feeling happy. Finished a book in one sitting yesterday as well. Hope the week goes by happily and productively. 

~

Time to get some work done. Looking at a good session. 

~

Whew! A good day today. It feels so nice when everything gets done and you can relax in the evening. Feels satisfying.

 Woke up to Haaland Haaland... 😩 

Slept through the afternoon and now I'm hungry asf. Ravenous 😩

~

Great and now I'm losing at chess lol. Hmmm. Maybe it's time for my monthly bullet retirement. Hehe ok done. Post 2100 I shall. 

~

I was thinking today... Like... We can only plan for the time we know we have or might have. I think if I have say 40 more years, give or take. I'd like to spend them doing stuff that's meaningful to me. And spend them as peacefully and lovingly as I can. Hope I can build to that. 

~

And that haaaland haaaland song is stuck in my head lmao. I cannot help but tap along to it. 

~

I'm trying out one of my old sweet valley twins books omgggg. This was such pure rot sheesh. Very lame. Was such a guilty pleasure growing up. This and that smutty book by.... Ugh I forget the name. First time I'd read romance and such. Damn what was the name of that author? It wasn't even a teen author. Sheesh. Hehe... The excitement of exploring something taboo was something else. Well, lmc. While I continue singing haaaland haaaland

Whew! You know a session was nice when it finally leaves you exhausted. I feel SO GOOD. That moment when you are completely warmed up, it just feels like you can go forever. Yumz. Want to up my fitness levels too, the start and stop running needs more agility. Wish to get there. Coach spend half the session making me redo form when it was wrong but man. That was really good. I'm glad he did that. The minor corrections made a huge difference. 

~

I am exhausted in such a happy way rn. ♥️

~

Time to create a new schedule huh. Well, so be it. 

~

Also more Rachmaninoff! It was lovely listening. My gripe with classical is that they don't have proper names lol. Sounds too pretentious to say his 5th etc. just give it nomenclature that isn't so obnoxious. 

I finally got a fucking mat omg. After months of searching for the right kind. This makes me happy lol.

~

Lunch was nice. I'm kinda struck by the dichotomy of the two worlds within India. This girl he married is sweet and old fashioned. Cooks etc for him and doesn't mind. Because she is okay with gender roles. He earns , she keeps house and family. He is a nice guy so it's not as if that would be a bad thing for her. He will support her where needed. And she seems very family oriented so that works out for him. In general most of these guys are very into their families so they have stay overs all the time etc. all this only works when people and families are nice lol. My dad's mum was so horrible that for us this was impossible. She was the single reason that destroyed my mom's peace and in turn all of us said fuck you to them all and left. So now it's just harder to give a shit about her and that side of the fam atleast. I find the idea of regressive and overly overbearing families very oppressive. My other cousins wild balk at the idea of all this...

I myself find it interesting from a distance but always very hyper aware that I do not belong in this kinda society or mentality nor have any intention of existing within it. So I maintain a firm distance. 

~

Hmmm. The irony is, I'm myself a very supportive kinda person so championing people I love comes very naturally to me. I guess like this lady, that trait of mine can only stay intact when the right kinda man is by my side. Cunty men will just destroy this center and I see no value in treading in those zones. Heh. A bitchy grandmother set into motion a lifetime of avoidance of family and a distrust of these bonds. Which I don't fear now, but it took me so long to unlearn stuff and learn to trust myself. But yeah, slow suffocation or subservience is not the kind of life to live. Only commit when it feels natural and the equation feels supportive... I'm glad these glimpses allow me to atleast form an idea of what that looks like. That's good. Sometimes a different environment gives you perspective. 

~

Part of the reason I gravitated towards J also was cuz he was sooooo nice to me. Like. That closeness, how much he leaned on me, that meant a lot. Hmmm. I didn't want to marry him, not by a long shot. He never features in my thoughts about the past. Probably because I knew right from the start that he wasn't and will never be the person for me. I wouldn't even have gravitated towards him had he not been nice tbh. But that closeness felt incredibly sweet and gentle. I discovered that I love that kind of intimacy. It feels safe. Ironically, it wasn't. Haha. Man. Maybe that's why I never think of him, betray me and we are done every which way. I honestly just couldn't care less about him now. 

I suppose closeness, sweetness towards me... is the one ingredient I do need to be very clear should be present from the start. I also need to feel proud of that person in some shape or form. Both things are important to me. And then all else we can figure. Well, we gotta get it right sometimes, amiright? Can't be that hard. Hehe. 

~

I can end the day with Rachmaninoff, then sleep early, then tennis in the morning. Sleeping on time for it urgh. Lol. I'm still ashamed of this. Sheer flip off to my night 🦉 days.

~

I hope tomo is a great day!🤌🏼

Listening to Rachmaninoff early morning. Just feels so lovely. Lilacs is just so utterly delicate and pretty. I wish I could play it. How does one not fall in love with this man? Sheesh. 

~

I feel like the quality of the soul that can think up these notes must be... Hmmm... Actually I don't know. Maybe musicians can be assholes too who knows. But the music itself is pristine. 

~

I always think I'll take some time out to sit and listen to more composers but I never find the time. I really wish to change that. How very tragic I have to lunch with people I don't wish to meet, purely to keep up pretences. I'd rather be right here with this music rn. 

A vid of Danya just popped up. I can't believe it's almost a year since he has passed. Post diwali last year... So... Oct 19th? Man. Even now it feels surreal. Bullying is the worst. Paranoia that accompanies it. Very sad dude. 

~

Life just changes for people in an instant. 

~

Oh wow Kramms also got sanctioned right around the memorial tourney. Can't still believe we are saying memorial shit yo. 

~

......

~

His passing, and the subsequent realisation that some people out there may not have cared at all was a very jarring experience. Some would have simply faked it. 

I think cruel and unfeeling people are best left by the wayside. There's no point in giving them any mind. 

A mum losing her son, a brother losing their sibling... Like... Oh man. Heartbreaking to think of. I don't get how chess can warp the brains of grown men to the point that they lose all humanity. I feel like people should not let kids play sometimes. 

Am I becoming an early bird? Zomg. Woke up by myself at 5 am wuuuutttt 💪🏼.

Went back to sleep for an hour but still. A WIN IS A WIN.

~

I'm now becoming one of those people that have to sleep early for a workout the next day lmao. Is this a win? 😂

~

Fuck tennis was so good today. Oh man..it feels so free and nice to just run up to take a shot and it goes in the exact spot. Like scratching a bothersome itch. Oof. I loved it today. Maaaan. 

~

Have to go to cousins house for lunch again tomo nooooooooooooo. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I have all this pent up energy and I wish to trouble someone lol. I miss banter so much rn. Lolol. 

I WISH TO PULL SOMEONE'S PIGTAILS. WHO WILL OBLIGE ME?

~

Twitch was a good outlet for this bs tbh. Could say something silly. Now it doesn't even send me notifs of anyone anymore. Gave up on me. 😱🥺

A good tennis session... So it was the flu aftermath that had done me in. Good to know. Stamina didn't just suddenly die lmao. And now I wanna like... Hehe... I wanna beat everyone at the courts lol. Why am I like this?

And sleeping at the right time at night like a good little girl was so helpful. I feel great. 

What all garbage you gotta keep track of as an adult man. Fuck. At 20 I could sleep 3 hours and play 5 and be completely fine the next day. #nostalgia. 

~ 

oh well. Glad now I'm chirpy again. Basically I'm like a dog, if I don't go out and run about I start wanting to bite everyone. 

I see, I see. 

~

This ailment hath no cure, I shall have to learn to be. 

I am going out of my mind rn. Maaaan. The fucking defeat after defeat. Unnnnnreal and insane lol. 

God. Good to know others out there also indulge in this lunacy. 

I sometimes wonder how obsessive one needs to be to be good at chess. Everyone who is must be nuts. 

~

Let me fume over some lemon tea and force myself to sleep by 10. Ugh. 

~

I've been a complaint box for a week now lmao. Only whine whine whine and whine more.

Who cares? 😤

~

Borges giving sinner trouble. Good. His surname is similar to mine. Another fault by sinner. Goody! Being meansy to him for no reason. Where Alcu? 😔