Hope skips and 🦘

Sleeping well is vv important. The zombiness of my existence when experiencing a lack of sleep is getting more pronounced. Gone are the days when I was able to pull in one nighters one after the other. 

I'm skipping the wedding. Wooohoo! Fuck man, I'm so glad! Just. So relieved. 

Idk why this time around I am so weary, I just do nooooot like visiting that part of the family. I guess for me just my friends, parents and brother are important and I don't even feel like wasting time on people I don't consider close any longer. Yeah fuck it man. Just keep it close. 

~

When I have a wedding, it'll be a small affair with just people I love who love me back. No extras. 😤 

~

I would be glad to have that question answered and just be able to relax on that front tbh. To just be with the person that feels right and know that okay, this is the one for me. I don't want to end up like a Di who is just unhappy asf and stringing along a guy who she claims isn't all she wanted.What a terrible waste of life. The idea of waking up next to someone daily and thinking this is so unreal like how can you be such a cunt. Honestly, I'm glad I ghosted that bitch, just so fucking dishonest. Complete unforgivable assholery man. I vow to never ever make someone I pick willingly feel inadequate or be disloyal on any front. Just never. 

Meh. Tomo I'll get 21k back and then give up bullet. Again. Because why not. No matter how disciplined I am about something, I need that onnnnne thing to be a degen about lol. Just one. Hahah some weird rebellion thing. 

I am so happy to see that crawling stop jesus christ it was insane. 1400 fucking times it pinged like what even. Felt so violating lmao. I'm soooo territorial about myself it's just outrageous that some stupid bug gets access. 

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Sitting at my desk and looking at my screen and mind is like 3 pm is when time stands still. It really does. Idk why people say 3 am is the devil's hour. Hmmm maybe cuz 3 pm is when even the devil is like naaah I'm out, nap time. Possible. Probable. 

Atleast I've stopped being a grouch lol. Back to my cheery, chirpy self. The magic of good sleep and idk what else. Must be the cheese sandwich I had so damn toasty yums. 

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Also planning to bunk my cousin's wedding cuz eeyugh. I do not wish to travel and see them. I'm so over it tbh, just been going to that town time and again and now I just do not wish to. It's good for my brother how easily he got to fuck off from all this. Fucker, always skates off. Some silly patriarchy at play here for suuuuure. Fo sho fo sho.

~

Right as I say it and he calls to invite lmao. Whyyy man. Whyyyyy. I don't want to goooooooooo!!! Help meeeee. Wedding are so damn boring 😭

But I am glad he sounds so excited for it, that's how it should be. Looking forward to a nice new chapter in life. That's very nice. 

~

And there you go, 1499 lol. Might as well make it an even 1500. Why not?

Watching these 2200s play and I realise they make the same errors as the rapid players in the 2300-2400 range. There's no counterplay, mostly just my plan v your plan. It's a weird tunnel vision that I can spot in these games now. Like the players don't take the entire board into account, simply their half and their fantasies for it. Wild. I used to think they were good, now I feel like. Oh no. Shit. Now I'm gonna think it's doable. Which means I'm going to have to grind. Heh. I really wish I could be at a respectable skill range ngl. As it stands, it feels like trash. Oops. 

We must look like such complete noobs to actual good players. There's just no way this kinda gameplay impressed anyone. 

You know it's not that chess is tough, it's that whenever you scale a rank, it feels like holy cow how very stupid are you that you make these errors. They are so glaring. Makes you feel dumb. 

~>

A good way to drink coffee though, that's the good bit. 

Oh finally that crawling is tapering out. Sheesh. All this bs gets on my nerves like why even. 

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I think it was a wrong decision to drink yesterday. I just feel so anxious and weird the day after. I don't know why either. Felt like sharing the dog dream with mum when she called and she didn't even listen. Somehow that kinda hurt me. It hurts me how often what I feel and wish to say gets overlooked and steamrollered like that. I barely do any talking it's just her that speaks. Such a stark difference from dad and bro. Some people completely wish to occupy all the space without leaving any for you. Hmmm. Well, anyway. What can one say, pun not intended. It's interesting how it's always the little things that matter. These horrid ones make me want to disappear. A part me really feels like closing the door to everyone and just scuttling off now. 

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Well, onwards to happier things. Like opening a window at night feels a lot better. Last night I felt so claustrophobic and strange, that suffocating feeling is now gone. Thank fuck. Cool night air feels super therapeutic. I love the breeze, just so serene and peaceful. 

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M keeps seeing D's statuses even now lol. Sending me all the spam she puts up. All these self affirmation posts feel so teenage. I remember she was cringe even back in uni, putting statuses on fb about biatchess that took her bf and how they'll pay for it etc. It used to seem quite insane. I sometimes envy people who simply never self reflect, maybe their lives are a lot more streamlined. Who knows. But it's a bit funny to see all this, keeps things light.

Pretty little

 

😂🤌🏼♥️

Pretty little labrador

I love you to my core

Waiting for me at the door

Our life's never a bore

Pretty little labrador 

I'm so in love with youuuuu.

~

Best poetry ever. 

~

Dreamt about my dog last night. It felt so bittersweet ngl. Gams. Such an ass she was haha. And what a strange dream. I miss you doggo! 

Yeah so even two cans of beer made me feel sick. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling uneasy is simply not worth it. Yucky. Phone died, then I felt super duper hot and uneasy and pukish. What a horrible feeling ngl. Kept feeling anxious too. Sheesh. I do not like alcohol at all anymore. Maybe it's time to retire my one remaining vice 😐. More and more I find it hard to understand why people like alcohol.

Oh god, I am behaving like an 80yo. Soon I'll wake up early and do yoga and offer obeisance to the sun gods, because why not. Holistic living. 

 Zomfg why is it so hot rn. Like dammit. I need to fix my AC then ugh. Too troublesome. 

I don't think checking circuit breakers at this hour would be a good idea but I wish to power through. Curses. Why do I have hiccups rn. Who is missing me?

Guinness

Bought canned stout. Such a blasphemy to can stout beer. And yet, I bought it. Betraying my beer standards purely cuz it's so hot. And for some reason I wanna Crouching Tiger or a Tom Cruise film. The dichotomy of woman. 

Oh well. Cheers to a post run beer and eating crappy food cuz who tf will cook. Maybe tonight I shall sleep on time!

Crouching Tiger it is. Let's go!

~

I feel like my phone is dying. I hope not. I haaate changing phones so damn much. Pls do not quit on me, my lovely. 

Late runs just ruin my sleep completely. Laid awake for hours last night trying to sleep and couldn't. Oh man. I'm like a zombie today, just still in bed at 10.30 am and wanting to snooze more. Hehe. Sundays, eh?

I saw someone post a snippet about IM naroditsky yesterday. Man, IM. Funny how one never thinks of people in terms of the ladder they climb, just the rung they are on. It felt really weird to read, knowing how things turned out. It's very unsettling to know that a person passed away like the way Danya did tbh. Hmmm. Deaths are tough, untimely ones even more so. I feel bad for his mom. I don't think any parent deserves to go through that. Anyway, no need to think of that I suppose. They day is yet to be faced, and that thought is too sad. 

Someone mentioned how diff this person seems in the book and while streaming. I wonder if that's true. "Was very nice"  made me chuckle. Maybe he is to some people. Well, who knows really, I don't tbh. Hehe. I've never been more skeptical of someone, have I? Lmao, just side eyed that all the way lol. Oh boy. I just refuuuuuuse to see any good in him now, huh? It's for the best, too often I've been too trusting. Lol. The quandary of my life... Should I believe there's good in someone or am I wasting my time wishful thinking? Oh well...actions are all that count, and always show your hand in the long run so blah. Flowery words and posturing is simply noise. Hmmm. Tbh I'm glad people aren't posting horrid shit for once, that's nice for him. I never stopped to think how awful it must feel to have to read stuff like that about yourself and know that everyone else has too. It's just weird and sad in a way. Esp the mean stuff. I would hate it, I know that. It must be quite anxiety inducing tbh. Hmmm. Maybe that explains why a lot of them hate reddit. 

~

Anyhoo, it seems unnaturally bright outside and I gotta get so much done today. Let's get back to trying to get the fuck out of bed! Ugh. I don't wanna!! Helpppp!

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Ugh and now I just played someone called Tributetonaroditsky wut. Coincidences like this just give me pause at times. 

Haasan and Roshan

 Listening to Duuur Se

Aa ja re. Sama jaa ree. 

Ugh. And cooking myself something. And I find myself dancing a Lil bit. 

I can't promise you the world or a trouble free path, but I can promise to be responsible towards you. Hehe. That's the best thing I can think of offering. ♥️

~

This tiny interlude is making my eggs burn lol. Oh well. Oops. 

Duuuuuuuur seeeee! 

Weird dream about trying to skip out and watch a film and then the whole thing became a chase sequence to try and keep someone and their baby safe? It was so unsettling towards the end, in a hey why isn't this getting over kinda way.... Strange asf. I don't like these dreams that don't go away when you awaken. :( 

Feels hot and groggy and I'm hungry and there's no food I gotta cook. What a Saturday. 

Polite crawling and delays, just why even. I'm so tired of that bullshit scraping 

What a dull day today. The heat makes everything so dreary. It reminds me of the dryness of Rajasthan. There was something poetic about that heat though, seeing the weather change in my city was really sad. It used to be so lovely all year round. Best place to stay. And now that's pretty much in the past. 

Hehe. The humdrum of daily life as my English chapters used to say

Vaishali also won. I was really rooting for her too, I'm so glad! I hope she does really well in the WCC as well. 

~

Fighting spirit for the win yo. Somehow even if someone is the underdog, the way they just lock in feels great. Just give it your all when you can, why not. I like her for that. 

This is great. Atleast I have one player to root for this WCC. Even Javokhir I suppose, although it's super sus all his accounts were banned for cheating. I hate that ngl. Weirdos. People are just weirdos. 

Cheating just sucks ass. Be honest, and just like... Do it the right way. Although I suppose him winning now puts everything to rest.

 ~

Oh well, time to sleep. 

Gn world! 🌎