Sometimes intuition just says something to me so strongly and I don't quite know if it's something I should trust or not. Idk. Esp if I think someone is either mad at me or I'm picking up on some negative vibes. Feels really strange. 

~~

Ugh see I knew something is up. I know he is mad about something or someeething is up. Randomly playing 1+0 also and being quiet definitely pissy about something. And now if I ask it'll be some oh no ofc not kinda stuff. 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 Child. Chiiild. Haha. FINE. he wants to act like a 7yo I'll fucking act like a 6 yo then no worries. Ushering in an era of stability my ass he won't...will just be a baby. Haha. But who knows maybe someone said something and he is pissy about it. 

Fine lmc I also won't ask anything now. I want to but I can't ask cuz 100 percent he will give me more grief if I do lol. I'll just wait for him to cool off just in case there is something. 

What a nice day. It was sunny, went out, met M, have her the Ramsay book I had been looking forward to gifting and my cheese haha. Omg. Checked out sports stuff, coffee, made a complete day of it. Saw C also, sometimes I don't like the way he speaks to her. I can see she also gets offended by it. Hmmm. She has been a bit touchy around me also lately and I feel maybe it's because of him being so overbearing that she feels like noone listens to her point? Idk. I dislike the incessant need he has to be the person who knows the most in any situation. Even when he doesn't lol. Idk. I would find it exhausting to be around him, I already do even on short visits. Strange no. I get that everyone has insecurities but sometimes I'm very stunned by how much it distorts someone's behaviour. Statements like " you don't know anything " in that giving a speech tone is quite offensive. Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder how much compromise is too much compromise on a relationship. Oh well. I wonder what compromises I am capable of. Like it's easier to know what you can't compromise on at times. But people always put up with strange things without realising it. It struck me the other day when other M also said H disrespected his family and he followed that with... But they don't know family dynamics. I didn't ask him the dynamics but my mind right in that moment was like hey hey it doesn't matter what the dynamics are, who tf is that guy to speak about it.  Even if everything is top notch, doesn't mean someone has the right to talk about fam. These people have no respect for anything. I remember him saying shit about A's brother also and that too was sooooo shitty. Cunt he is. Hell, even in godfather, noone talked smack of fams. Maybe it's also an Indian thing in a way. For us, culturally there is a sort of reverence with which people have been taught to view fams so insulting parents etc is seen as inappropriate in the extreme. Well, that's actually a good thing. Maybe that's why my first instinct was to get flared up right when I read that statement. And H has a Sri Lankan dad, plus his own culture stresses on family values so he should know better than to behave this way like wtf.  Hmmm. I'm sure it's a hurtful topic for M though, inside inside he is so sensitive so I'm sure he feels it a lot even if he doesn't say it. Probably doesn't say it because it's so sensitive to him. Damn. :( Didn't think of it that way till now. I didn't want to ask also, these things are so personal it feels like prying. Best to let people share what they please. I guess support can always be silent and solid, atleast that's my view of it. Oh well, nothing so bad that it can't be either fixed or atleast dealt with in some way. It'll be fine. 

I see C also hitting some sensitive spots in M and idk how long she allows for it. I guess forever. But then I suppose he makes up for it in different ways. Relationships hinge on trade-offs that help you feel secure. That matters most. Rest is okay. 

You live, you learn. 

😭😭😭😭😭

 I am SO EXCITED!!

Chiseler

 😂😂 And this is how I imagine that boy fuck. Hahahahha aaaaahhh no wonder I'm soooo fond. I just see the same angsty cute person in him with a tiger hahahahha. 

Secret Garden

My worldview has been shaped less by experience and more by the great writers of the past. Who I am, the morality I cling to, the things I hold dear... Somehow they are all linked to the stuff I read and resonated with. I seek beauty in living, in interactions because that's how the childrens' authors I read made life beautiful. A sprinkling of magic, of new world's, eyes lighting up with wonder at the thought of " possibility". I loved it then, and I love it now. Innocence, curiousity, bravery and standing up for yourself and against yourself when you are wrong. Like the swing scene in naughtiest girl again. I remember it even now. Wily little Elizabeth. 

'She began to swing again. 'Well, I'm strong!' she sang, as she swung. 'I can change my mind! I can say I'm wrong! Elizabeth Allen, you're not such a poor wrong thing as I thought! Just wait.'

~

This line was so impactful to me as a kid, because I saw myself as her. Ungovernable if I wished to be so. So who better to govern me than me? Rigidly clung to this thought my entire life and I do not regret it. On balance, I believe I have done my best to be fair and to hold my rashness in check. Heh. Quaint. Wait, let me find the entire thing. 

Hahha holy cow this is literally exactly how my thoughts process and personality is even now. 😂💀 For fucks sake. Even this diary is just me battling me a la Elizabeth, always trying to find the best course of action. Bonus points for " John standing up from his hoeing" How I regret adulthood for having fucking spoilt this for me lmfaoooo. 

Heh. This series is so close to my heart I can't believe how simple and yet resonant it is and how muuuuch I identify with Elizabeth. Checkmate Dostoevsky. Suck a dick. 

~

From this book series to Invictus, it has been a journey! Littered with many milestones, many lessons, a lot of understanding. I am glad. And I am glad that I don't succumb to temptations once I decide on austerity and choose a path. In whichever zone that be. Life, work, relationships, fitness. Maybe my reluctance to commit to stuff also stems from knowing that I will rigidly follow through once I say ok I'll do it. But meh. There are less and less things I'm afraid to commit to now. Cuz I want to follow through. That's nice. And about time haha. I guess the root of fear has always been the idea of being powerless but once you recognise that you can trust yourself to make the right decisions, fear fucking evaporates. I do hold fear in some affection too, because it is an indication of my greatest desires as well. I know exactly what I want when I feel the most afraid because I know in that moment that the opposite of it is where my heart lies. It's a good way to know yourself. Painful, maybe. But hindsight is 20/20. 

~ 

Spending time by my bookshelf has always been meditative. I'm so glad I love libraries. It doesn't need to be fancy, in fact the more dreary and dilapidated and old world it is, the better it feels. 

♥️

Hmm

I noticed the thing I notice everytime. Lol. But just this once, I'm going to not ascribe any ill intent or withdraw or be weird. Heh. Temperance but also trust. Hopefully, it's the right choice. I haven't said it openly but I do appreciate all the effort that he seems to be putting in these days. It's like he just decided to do it and followed through. And I feel glad about that. If it's genuine, then I guess it'll last and that would be good for both. 

Heh... Imagine ushering in an era of stability and normalcy. Haha. Can it be done? 🙀

Seeing the aftermath of the elections has honestly just left such a bad taste. I feel a bit sick and it feels like so much of the world is so hostile to be honest. Idk what this weird unsettled feeling is. I just don't know. I never thought I'd see a time where a first world country just bans abortion and so many people hating on women. It's so visceral in its essence. Feels so talibanish dude. There is no other way to even put it. And I'm so sick of all of it. All these bigot ideologies, all these people spouting religious nonsense just to cap other peoples' rights when they don't have an iota of actual belief or love in them for god or anyone else. It's just a shroud of morality to try and mask their true evil nature. 

Thinking of unsubscribing from all the news esp reddit cuz it's so filled with doomsday and every second day I read about how badly people treat each other, it's just too much. 

When did people even get so broken man? Like when? 

Like whatever happened to just being nice to each other, taking care of each other, friendship, family values, some semblance of a community where you can be supportive. Noone even mentions things like these now. Just random silos and subsequent unhappiness. No wonder so many genz people specially are so adrift. Women selling their bodies on onlyfans, men viewing them as opportunists, then complaining about not having someone love them. Wtf even went wrong with the world? 

~

Ugh. I am such a lucky and fortunate person, truly. I have a good life, a good support system, and I realise how much fucking freedom I have to do anything I want, that I'm respected, cared for and noone has ever tried to ever strip me of my dignity. I can't believe I'm grateful for this but yes I am.  I am truly grateful. Lol barring one person who actually did make me feel like...ok nvm. Fuck it. 

~

And yes. The thing I see that's vastly missing is just respect. I guess that's why men who don't respect women scare me. They damage you emotionally and sometimes physically and they juuuust don't care. 

I hope no matter what and who I'm with and around, respect is never something that's compromised. And I promise myself this one thing - if I ever feel like my dignity or my self respect is being compromised by any situation - I will not hesitate to leave it. A life of indignity is not a life I will lead. And I hope and pray from the bottom of my heart that I never ever have to feel that way. 

~

Even now, I don't have some egregious demands of life. But it should not be like I have to constantly feel like I have to defend myself or ask for care or any of that. I just want simplicity. And I'm gonna build up my net worth and then just fuck off to some far off corner to live peacefully haha. That's just what I want. A simple life. 

Stupid ass mittelschmerz ugh. Pain during periods now pain during ovulation also. 🙄

Elections

Today has been a shitty day of reading such godawful news. Why does the world hate women so much? For a country that claims to have freedom as its core value how tf can people want to come up with ways to ban contraception and abortion like how is it any of your business what a woman does with her body. Where is the freedom in all this? What a fucking nightmarish reality it seems like. Feel so bad for people having to live this fuuuuck. :( I honestly feel like anyone who identifies as blue should really ask why tf their party let them down this badly like wtf how can they have been this incompetent. Completely their fault for not having a good candidate how hard is it so just get some old dude to contest instead of a person that came last in the primaries that noone liked from the beginning. Shit man. Never ever did I think I'd see such things in my lifetime. I feel bad for M also, god he seemed soooo disturbed by this. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to him and his circle. Damn man. Horrible. :( 

I feel little sick. :(

~

Washington post subscribers leaving in protest. Good. Fuck whatever happened to free media man. What the fuck. I thought the worst was seeing adani just take over ndtv. I remember how gutted I felt that day and basically just unsubscribed from all news providers. Adrift in the sea of random rage bait posts to navigate and it was still preferable to shit news. If there is one thing the world needs it's an unbiased fucking media that juuuust reports facts. However boring, however small but juuust facts no crazy shouting doomsday for eyeballs juuust facts. Aaargh. Fuck if I were a billionaire like Bezos I'd actually be doing that not the shit he pulled. 

~

There's way too much hate in this world. And weak people feel the need to capitalise on it. It's the same. Like he also said all those people who come by to be nasty to him, all those guys are soooooo filled with jealousy. They want to be around him but at the same time they want him to do badly so they can feel good about themselves. It used to feel so sick. A lot of them made me feel sick even his friend who told me to hit him up if I want to be impregnated like who tf even talks like that. And he had no right and it was so snakish to try and seduce me knowing that he is friends with M. Told me he is okay being a side piece. Sorry buddy, I don't actually have a need to use people and make them my side pieces, I am a one man woman strictly and I will never belong to multiple men ever. It was outrageous that someone thought I would be I never even flirt when I'm not interested and it's not like I can't. Whatever. Irony of always trying to do right by others and having them use that as a loophole. Aaaa and that impregnate statement good god I have never once in my life heard something so violating now I want to yell at M also for not warning me. He should have told me who not to speak to. 🙄

Ugh... I'm just so mad at everything. 

What I deleted

Idk if you read this at some point but I had an addendum to levy and danya text that I wrote then deleted. About how I was so naive to believe in their respective bs. And made me think of how naive I can generally be when it comes to me. I hope if I am wrong about you then it's only cuz you are nicer than I've given you credit for. And that you know I found it appalling that you must have thought I view you with a very critical lens. Which I do for my own safety and I won't pretend like I'm fully on board trusting you at the moment either but that's more my cautious nature. And I'm arrogant enough to question why tf it is taking you so long to trust me cuz lol I'm pretty fantastic when it comes to all the good things like reliability. It's not even double standards haha. But seriously speaking I'm cautious because I just don't want to make a mistake cuz I want a normal happy life. I don't care much about a lot of stuff but I'm determined to live in an authentic way and part of that is having people around who also want the best for me. Like I don't care if you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of cheese, when I share I made it it's just for fun and I'd like to hear ooo nice 🙂. Basic stuff like that goes a long way in showing appreciation and you don't exactly have to know a whole lot for all that idgaf and I've never really given a fuck about how much anyone knows, just how they make me feel. I feel like this is a lesson you haven't yet learnt, you seem to view everything as elo gain in life but for me life and people are in a circle not a hierarchy and being in the circle means you are trusted. It's not your abilities that get you there, it's just actions and how you treat someone. Aka you could be 600 elo and I'd pick you over all others as long as you nice to me. And you can be 3000 and I'll boot if you not. Haha. 

Anyway blah. Here's hoping things remain happy, stable and also fun. And that you aren't an ass. I mean you are an ass, god knows you are troublesome asf at times, but hopefully not an ass when it counts that's all. Those times be nice. 🖕🎃🖕

Care about you despite it all I guess. Ugh. 🙄 This eyeroll is for me. 

Here's also hoping I can read this post years from now and actually smile at it with affection and ease. Hehe, that would be so nice. Will show you also at that time. 

Cracked 2100 on puzzles. Wow. That wasn't easy for me took a day and a half. Hmm. Learnt something though, so that's good. Chess is so damn deep. 

Edit: oo I'm going beyond 2150 now. That's nice. Took a lot of time for sure. 2 whole days. 

Played puzzles a shit ton today. Interesting. So when not thinking I can drop to 1800 like my rating and when thinking I'm around 2070-2080. So when I get to 2070 I gotta slow down and refute all lines before I play. Hmmm. Haven't been able to break 2100 in these lately. Except now I want to. It's high time I break into the 2000s in all time controls. Okay I look forward to it. Hehe. Let me cut out mindless playing from today. Wanna get this done before the year ends.

Also brain suddenly zones out after 3-4 hours. That's also pretty shit. God I miss being young and feeling refreshed after 8 hours of concentration. Heh. 

Sometimes it's just annoying to deal with people who are simultaneously incorrect and dug in. Like sheesh. 🙄

~

Think I'm starting to miss having deep conversations. I genuinely miss that, and discussing ideas and just generally being engaged in a flow of something nice. 

With the introduction of trust, possessiveness turns to ease. :)

What a wonderful feeling it is. Like a gentle breeze ruffling through a meadow. ♥️

~ 

Space Oddity

Watching some 2400s play rapid and I'm always shocked at how they blunder simple tactical things like if you take a piece that's guarding another. I feel like most games are just a matter of one blunder, which is egregious. Rarely do I see anything that's free of them and positional I guess. It's interesting though. And frustrating to be honest. To watch someone just make the mistake you preempt it's haha idk. But maybe that's chess. If you love precision anyone being imprecise can be annoying. I bet games like the ones I would play would also irritate the crap out of higher rated players. Hahah. Oh well fuck em. 🖕🖕I get why M also must be annoyed by A when he is passive cuz he is like aahhh just get in the field don't be lazy calculateeee. Hahaha. If he got annoyed by me I actually wouldn't care I'd probably get all dug in and want to prove him wrong or some shit. Bite off way more than I can chew but when it comes down to it idc I'll still fight and there are some things that are best left untested haha. It also takes trust I suppose. To trust that even if they being mean on the surface they actually want the best for you so you allow for them to shape you in some way. If I give him my trust it'll be forever so I won't for now. That much power should only be with someone who wants the best for you. I'm not yet convinced of that so nyat. I shall not bestow mine on him. 🎃

Actually really enjoyed analysing one game too. Wanted to see if I can spot what's a critical error and I could damn. It felt so damn good. Checked with engine and it jumped from -0.5 to +4 ish right there. I think it's the first time I've actually tried to do it this way and just enjoyed it so much. Naro was right, there are just worlds within one position and it's so easy to get lost in it. It's scary how enticing it can be too, you can spend hours in it. "Chess is beautiful enough to waste your life for." ~ Hans Ree. I kinda agree. Not all of it, but I can see how it can be alluring. 

Saw some yt clips and as usual the drama came in recos. Was kinda surprising to hear Naroditsky say he didn't take on krammers because Kramms is high rated. Didn't expect that. I thought it was simply a matter of principle like randomly this dude annoying me why should I reward him with a match. Lol. He is also following his own dostoevsky arc a la Ivan Karamazov. People are so weird they fascinate the fuck out of me at times. Even when I view him I'm thinking to myself hey what would be the best way to deal with this etc. Deffo not wha he is doing, just coming undone. I can't seem to help but speculate on what's the right thing to do in all of this. Still, never occurred to me that he simply didn't want a match cuz he knows krammers is v strong. And yet he is spending time in yt comments now. It's pretty sad. But yeah that thing M said about retirement being tough lolol. Sooooo cute man. Aaaaa. Just melted at the thought of some sad dude not feeling good about people not respecting him. Then realised wow am I easy to sympathy scam or what. Feeling bad despite the unhingery he displayed while Ivan dearest is not able to eat or sleep. Ahhahahah. Why are they all so crazy? Istg in normal life noone will have the patience or the mood to deal with these nutters and yet collectively the chess world just makes room for insane oddities. 

Am I odd too? Hahaha. Not yet anyway. I can straddle the normie world well but maybe inside me is also an impulsive non conformist that wants to peek out from time to time. Such a pretty way to describe it, but why the fuck not. 🤭

Bonus: 

Ahahahhahaha. Ommggg. Such a grouchy twatty man but fuck, he does have a way with words. Hahahhaha. Stupid ass chess world just people being petty and cunty for no reason and yet it's just so idk. I DONT KNOWWWW. 🤣♥️

Made a wish this diwali lol. Not sure if you make wishes on diwali but oh well. Lately, I just feel like the gravity of life has kind of settled in. I'm more aware of people and finiteness. Maybe it has something to do with granny and viewing everyone at home but I just feel so completely concerned about everyone. All the time lol. Like scolding brother for speeding, dad for doing his dumbassery, mom for walking on the roadside lol. Heh. I just want to keep everyone happy and safe and sometimes I feel like being controlling in my urge to just get everyone to not make mistakes but why tf have I become everyone's parent lmfao. Well, idc everyone better listen to me and not do bs. Haha. Fuck...it sometimes really feels like you have to not let anyone be wayward.  Oh well, god bless.