Cherry cherry cherry

 

Hey

Something about stockings and lace, feels like a nice gift wrap. 

Will you be a dear, and take it off for me?

Sometimes I wish I had a trainer who trains me so relentlessly that all I can do is get back home and fall fast asleep. 

People who have trouble sleeping. I wonder what it is that ails them. I know what ails me from time to time. Just the feeling of stuckness that is relentless in it's pointlessness. 

Possibly the by product of this hyperactive world. Idk. Oh troubles, you trouble me so. You keep me busy, and in your absence I wonder where'd you go. 

Yeah that was my attempt at being poetic. Idk, slow day. What can I say? 

Somedays Franny and Zooey makes way too much sense and I don't like it. Would prefer to go back in time to the point where it made no sense at all and I wondered why someone would write such absolute drivel. 

And for some reason I want to smell the smell of freshly baked bread. Go figure. 

Raining again and I'm so damn borrrred. Fuck. Boooored

Lol spaghetti squash. That takes me back! :) it was sooo much fun back then, just testing you hehe. Oh man, I loved how hustly you were and also sooo convinced noone else can be. ♥️ Hehe. All those lil, lil deets I'm sure you thought I missed. That one song I loved that you NEVER played again. Heh. I had soooo much fun spamming you. Funny thing is, from the start I've felt like I could just understand you well. What was instinctual then is now I guess comfortable. 

I've seen you change and grow sooo much over the year. I thought you were a great fling type, even contemplated just hitting on you for kicks. And I'm sure you know how to have fun, and a part of me soooo wanted to do that, cuz I'm good at that too and I was dying to find out how our energies match. Plus... Idk there's something so enticing about no holds barred fun, just absolutely seduce the mind off someone. I wanted to see whether I get you or you get me. Cuz I knooow you'll just want to dominate that and I'm not easily swayed and within that would be a loooot of fun and push pull. Temptress! But then I figured most people anyway do that with you, so why just add my name to a list like that? And yet you are actually the first person I've actively fantasized about. Oooh baby, now that's one secret I'll never tell. Xoxo. The places my mind went to, umm umm umm. You're this mix of romantic, aggressive, fun and impulsive that's such a lethal combo for someone like me. And I had this overwhelming feeling that all that you are, I'll be able to respond to and hold steady for simultaneously. I don't even have the words to accurately describe it except... Idk that storm within you would find a vessel in me? Atleast in my mind it was like that, every time I thought of you. With you on top whenever it went there ;) . I have a feeling doing you would be very, very addictive.

But shit, in retrospect I'm glad I didn't just do some blink and miss thing with you. I remember how mad I was at you my birthday week when you did that weird disappearing act you do, I'd totally decided like a dug in child that I also won't speak if you don't. Lmao. I guess I just needed some form of sweetness from your end back then, I'm like a vulnerable softie inside and I clam up when I feel unloved. After effects of having dated a narcissist I suppose, you just get hyper vigilant about red flags. And here's the kicker. Idgaf if the person knows me well or not at all, if they seem nice and I want them around, then I default want to be shown care and will pout lots instinctively if I don't get it. It's funny to me now to think of but yeah I'm sure I wasn't all that easy to handle at times. And now I just default assume there is sweetness and then proceed to spam you to my heart's content when I feel like it. Which might seem crazy to you, but oh well. Oopsies. Getting to know you from then and seeing you change over time has been quite nice.  I'm also trying my best to be responsible tbh. Esp with you, I hope I have been, atleast on balance. I hope someday soon you find it comfortable being vulnerable with me too. I'd love that, it'll make me feel more at ease as well cuz I like that protective space. And idk, little by little I'm seeing that boyishness in you give way to the man who is seeming a lot more responsible. I like the blend of the two. Good to be both, no? Feet on the ground, but reaching for the stars? It's all about the stretch. Best part is - the boy who would be a great fling is someone I think would be a great father too. Look at that spectrum. Crazy innit?

Lately a bit humble too like wtf. I noticed that today and it was just so sweet. In a good way, cuz hmmm. To me it just means you are being kinder to yourself and I'm delighted so see that. You are way, waaay too tough on yourself otherwise. So many changes in youuu. Just wanna squish you tight in a giant hug sometimes. Even as I sit here typing, listening to your music while you run your tap water which is hilarious in its absolute absurdity, while my body seems drained and tired, I can't help but smile a little to myself at this awesome mix of everything in this moment. Even the incessant talk about mayo is just so banal and yet fits into the comedy. But I muuust say...I hope you retain your humor and your cheek, it's absolutely hilarious and endearing and I hope it never leaves you, no matter how responsible you become <3. Trying hard at things you love and taking things lightly at the same time, that to me is the optimum balance, and the best way to be happy. And with a smile like that, you should be happy. 🙃

Edit: you know what? I'm gonna use you as a muse for a story. I used to do this earlier with people when they fascinated me, to see if I can catch their essense. Let me try one for you. This one would be harder cuz I know so little still but I'll try my best. 

Edit2: I dote on you soooo much lmao. Reread this to edit here and there and had a smile while simultaneously thinking dayum, so much sugar. You have the ability to just drive me wild and at the same time melt the fuck out of me. The entire gamut of my emotional range is at your mercy. Wtf man. I'm a total sitting duck. Ugh... But I don't like the lopsidedness of me knowing you better than you knowing me. I want you to know me, like genuinely, with no pretences. I want things to be fair to you, I just don't know how to go about it lol. I'm too, too, too shy when it comes to stuff like that, so this bit I'm just gonna leave up to you and hope you figure it out somehow. 

This or that

 

   Arbeit in Lack 156 - Johann Nußbächer

I love the shades, the mixing of colours. If ever there was a bold palette I would love, it would be this. Then again, I'd go deep blue all the way to black too. 

Mingle mingle, make my spine tingle. 

Van Gogh in Baku - Emil Aziz

Can't go wrong with any takes on Van Gogh. If there's ever a painter who captured the night sky, it would be him. That's so incredible to think about. To make what everyone sees every day your own, and to influence it to this day. His melancholy is what draws me to him. I'm not sure if it's projection, but when I see any of his paintings, I feel like I can sense his loneliness through them, and yet his soul had so much beauty and respect for his surroundings that it infused every painting of his with a lot of care and love that radiates. He paints what he loves, and always as an observer. I've often found his subject matter very close to Monet's,yet there is such a stark difference in their takes. One dances, the other watches and they both see beauty. 

Stuck

All day I've been humming this tune finally remembered the song 

Lovesong

Whenever I'm alooone with you, you make me feel like I'm home againnn 🎵🎶

💃

Oh but wait, this one is better

Just like heaven

Hell yeah, what a nice dancy vibe. 

YOUUU hooo

No but wait, there's more!!

Friday I'm in love

And guess what, it is fridayyy

COME DANCE WITH ME, LETS MAKE THE WORLD SPIN AROUND US, JUST YOU AND ME

💃🎶🎵♥️

And then I wouldn't care if Monday's blueee

~

Ah, but something more sultry you say? Alright, I gotcha, let the beat make up for the sweetness of the ones above. The lyrics are creepy asf but the voice and the beat makes me a lil bit naughty

Lullaby

Ugh. Ok I think I'll work out and see if the cramps go away or if I perish instead. But omgomgomg imma play tennis tomoooo. After so damn looong. God I'm gonna suck hard lmaooo. But idc I'm so excitedddd

Lmao. And all I wanted to do was to go out to buy a racquet today, instead I gotta feel feelings. No wonder the incessant rain made me want to weep purely cuz I couldn't go to Decathlon. Even though I can go tomo morning. FML. 

Touch

My second fav philosopher, right next to Kierkegaard

You can always hide kernels of profundity inside something inane and child like. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of using innocence as a lens for the larger conversation. As long as I can remember, I've had little to no patience for things that seemed complex for no reason. It registered as pretentious and I hate that almost as much as I hate hypocrisy. So the simplicity of Calvin and Hobbes is where my heart lies in the end. And yes, the world is a lot nicer when experienced with a soulmate who understands things just the same way you do. It's a moment in time where you know there's another being that just understands you, and sometimes that enough to abate the loneliness of existence. 

Is this why I love holding hands? 

In all forms, maybe. 

So much can be said with negative space and simplicity. 

Plus, I have small hands and one thing I love to do is measure then against someone else's to see if both of mine fit in one of theirs. Just feels so safe when they do lol. Even when it's only the tips of my fingers placed just right. Hehe, guess my love language is physical touch and acts of service. Quality time too. Didn't think they'd be the ones I'd end up with, but so it goes. Its changed over the years. Acts of service used to be numero uno for me. But it isn't now. Recieving gifts is dead last. 

Which is funny cuz I love giving someone gifts, thoughtful gestures. But I feel so weird if someone gives me something. Hmmm. Maybe that's cuz I don't know how to receive care all that well? Idk. Could be. Or it just feels very take-ry types and I don't like that? Idk to be honest. I'd like to be comfortable with the notion though, it would translate to feeling okay with being pampered and not my default "earn it" mentality. You shouldn't have to earn love and care. And in the end it doesn't matter if you mean something to someone if they never tell you that. It's all just moot. Something I have to remind myself of all the time lol. 

Whatever, just hold my hand and I'll be shy and ecstatic that's all I want. To hold on to big strong palms and grin to myself while I trot alongside you talking about something more or less mundane. Yummy!!!! 

Lost to an opponent called Roger Falafel. This is a new chess low for me. 🤣🤣

Oiiiii!! 

Love, Friendship, Loyalty

Shit. I was going to mention this to him today and turns out he already took that call himself. I feel bad for how it much it must have sucked for him to do so. :( He will act all tough and brusque but I know cutting ties with his friend will hurt him lots. It is the right call though and I'm glad he took it. Little voice at the back of my head used to nag at me that I should say something but I always kept it at bay out of respect for their friendship. But I guess what I used to hate was also the lack of loyalty from his friends' end. It can't just be one person having the other one's back while the other one just does whatever they please and lie about it everytime there's a hint of trouble. I hated how he let other people think ill of you without correcting them. That lack of accountability sucks. Reminds me of Diana. We were friends for so long, I used to be there for her all the time and she never had my back the one time I needed her to. Taught me a lesson about being the strong person in an equation. It's like ... You think you don't need them for support and it's true, you don't. You are the caretaker and generally in control so you don't need anyone. But when they just betray you for something tiny is when it hurts cuz you realise all that love and loyalty is one sided. And that's a sucky realisation. But I guess it's a lesson that naturally self reliant people learn across their lives. And even she, with all her insecurity and lack of self worth, didn't let anyone talk ill of me behind my back. I think that's what defines any strong equation. You don't need anyone or any support but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have it or should settle for equations without it. Even if it's unspoken, the undercurrent has to be that your chosen ones are in your corner. 

WHATEVER!!!

Onwards and to better people, you absolutely deserve to get back what you put into your chosen ones and I'm sure you will! Aaaand you have me, I'll come through for you whenever you need me to, and that counts cuz well... Fuck it, I'll say... I'm quite awesome and I know how to carry people forward and take care of them and I'll always be there for the ones I give a shit about. Hehe, this might sound like self flattery but it actually is the unvarnished truth, so I will respect my sentiment for once and not make a wisecrack. 

Okay, TONIGHT I WILL WORK ON MY STORY

Waking up today with a little less sense of doom and gloom lol. Thank god. 

Days like these I remember that one single time in my life someone told me " if you felt it, then why doesn't it matter? Your feelings matter " 

Funny how one line can change your life and stay with you after so many, many years. And it's gotten a lot more meaningful over the years, the one line I come back to whenever I feel low. 

Cuz this one moment was and is a pivot I use everytime I'm fearful and foggy. Lol. I'm glad life turned out well for you and that you have a cute lil baby girl now. She looks like her mom :) 

Le Petit Mort

I really like this and the idea of it all. And that is my fav shade of red - bold, and a bit tinged with pink. 

I want my lipstick to be this shade so when I kiss someone, it leaves a mark. I aim to please, ofcourse. 

Whining like clockwork

I'm feeling a weird sense of anxiety today. Idk why. Like something bad is about to happen or has happened. Ugh. Why?! Feeling weird all day and just can't bring myself to concentrate on anything fuck.

Idk I feel like... 

What if everything you work for just slips away? And everything works out for everyone else but not you? :(

Ahhhhhhhhh

Fuck it, imma go for a midnight drive. 

Well atleast I found a random nice song to listen to.

Pictures of you

Didn't The Cure have another song I used to love? I think it was called Lovesong. Lmc

Edit: I know this is irrational and just all imagination but sometimes imagination is just so potent. I hate it. 

Edit 2: MOFO. DIDN'T THEY JUST GET OVER ISTG I THOUGHT THEY JUST GOT OVER. 

Every goddamn time I'm irrational it's somewhere around this time. My unborn kid has to change the world for the better cuz no way this bs is worth it otherwise. 

WHO CAN I GO YELL AT? DIDN'T EVEN START MY STORY TONIGHT CUZ I MOPED INSTEAD AND I HAVE A TON OF WORK TOMO SO I WONT BE ABLE TO.

I think I'll write a short story tonight. Hmm. Lemme see.