Amuse the Muse

Erotica. That's right. I spent some time writing erotica and somehow I forgot that phase. I actually would like to write some more, might be fun. Go through the motions slowly and deliberately, making sure each beat is felt just the way it's intended. Something about weaving words into fantasies really turns me on. 

Wonder if I'll ever have the courage to share it. 

Currently singing

If you're lost you can look 

and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall...I will catch you

I'll be waiting

Time after time

...

Need something PG 13 and wholesome to remove this bad taste that is still lingering. 

Saw a snippet of an old interview of AK where he talked about how directors who can't capture emotions and nuance often end up using sex and violence as they are the easiest ways of baiting an audience into a reaction. Makes so much sense. Every poorly directed action movie has elements of both, all covered in a slick package.

Which reminds me of another snippet of a  lecture series I'd once checked out, and the topic was about refined minds will always choose higher order pleasures and therefore a Shakespeare or a Bach will always outrank any popular lit and music, while the latter may have the quality of junk food. At the time, I had wondered if it was a sustainable idea or simply one that sounds superior so everyone just agrees to it. But I'm starting to appreciate the depth of that thought, albeit slowly.

Wtf

Why is degrading women just such a source of pleasure for people. Fuck. I want to get rid of that fucked up imagery in my head rn, it's making me want to legit scream. What a fucking piece of shit.

Since I'm awake

...for no reason, :( let me collect my thoughts from today's trip.

I always wonder why people make the choices they do. Earlier, I think I was a bit obsessed with perfection and would be very dismissive of people who chose to behave in a way I thought was sub optimal. I think I've come to accept the greys somewhat now. Travelling today with M and her bf made me wonder about hers too. We are so different as people, it really gets highlighted sometimes in our 'people choices'. I had to make an effort to get along with her bf, and some of it was a bit exhausting for me. I see the niceness he brings to her life, but his attitude to everyone around him is so dismissive. The constant need to be right, the argumentativeness, coupled with him dismissing facts in favour of his own opinions is a trait that annoys me no end. Like whyyy can't you just admit you don't know something and why have this insane need to constantly be explaining things to others. I never get why people have so much insecurity about their intellect. Yet, it's interesting that she doesn't seem to mind that all that much. I guess the other benefits kind of level out these traits for her. Plus she is pretty easy going, and has a ton of patience so probably finds it amusing almost. I bet she has a similar view of my choices too. In that she probably doesn't agree with some of them lol. I remember once discussing this with her and she telling me she thinks I end up putting in a lot of effort with people, and that leads me to be around those who just use that for their benefit and over time I get tired and withdraw from them. And then they wonder why I'm suddenly not around as much. It's kinda true, my rationale has always been that give someone a chance and make them feel comfortable if you like them. But I always notice how the other person is dealing with me in the interim and idk I guess most people just mistake kindness for weakness. Hmmm. I think I need to pull in the direction of reciprocity more. It's something that's been on my mind the last couple of weeks as well. If I give you importance, it doesn't mean I don't value my own, is that rocket science to figure out? Lmao. I pull in the direction of equality, not some random hierarchy and I certainly don't see myself as lower on any scale. 

Meh, whatever. Do your bit and adult.

Crap

It was meant to be a nap, but yet again I fell asleep and now it's 1.30 and I'm up 😭😭

Mini travels

Went for a day drive today with M and her bf. Was fun. First time I spent so much time with them as a couple. I like him, he is kind and considerate towards her. Funny thing is, a few years ago, I'd have not gotten along with him for sure. But I've come to realise the value of kindness, consideration and someone who makes you feel important and valued. I'm glad he does all this for her. 

A tiny part of me misses being doted on and adored lol :⁠-⁠!

Birthday weekend

M's bday weekend got me thinking about how long we have known each other. Back in uni I never really thought we would stay friends after it got over, esp as she is so closed up and bad at keeping in touch. But maaan, life just follows its own patterns , and I'm glad our friendship survived. She is the one person I can rely on, take for granted and trust. Good stuff. 

So here's to growing older, somewhat wiser and and keeping close friends close. ♥️

Chess

Playing so badly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

FUCK

:⁠-⁠|

It feels so alienating when you choose to share something tiny yet personal and it's simply not recieved with care or just straight up dismissal. I legit felt so bad. :(

Dilemmas

Wondering if it would be worth it to explore the start up route again. The work load will most likely be a lot, which I don't mind. But I'll have to forgo comp and take a bunch of esops that wont vest anytime soon. That's such a gamble. The last one was a giant turd. The co-founders ended up working for 3 years and only sold it for a mill, what a joke that was. Ugh. I'm so confused. 

A stable company will have very mundane work but the hours will be flexible and I'm so used to wfh and not having to deal with bs people. Co-founders are a diff breed of toxic at times, so tough to find a culture fit that works. But I also like the excitement of building something. Having said that, I think I'm over the idea of working lots for someone else. I can't seem to bring myself to care about a business that isn't feeding directly into my own coffers too. Need to figure out a way to create some revenue streams so I can escape the whole salary bs. 

Someday I would like to build my own thing though, that's the eventual goal. I don't even mind if it's tiny, but as long as I can create something sustainable it would be worth it. Just have no clue what it should be at present.

Ugghhhh. I am just so not excited for any of this. I'm just going through the motions because I should and it's a necessity. 

Hell, everytime I go into the city my first and only thought is ffs when can I go back. I genuinely feel like I just want to go far far away and never come back. 

Droooown me

You make my heart beat like the rain
Surroooound me 

Hooool me deep beneath your waves

TURURURURURU

And every night my mind is running around ...

Thunder's getting louder and louder and louder

Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle
I can't let you go now that I got it

Noowowowowow all I need is to be 

Struckkk

By

Your

Electriiiiic loooooooooooOOOOVE

Baby your electric loooove 🎶💃

Call Me

Why is this song stuck in my head 😭?

Colours

If you know someone well, would you be able to deduce which colour/s they have an affinity to? I'd like to try this out on someone.

🤢

Seeing the candidate list makes me want to puke and spill all the words I know, slowly and distinctly. Bleh

Memories made of Clay

I was watching some of the clay tourney highlights today. So many new players on the circuit, and yet it doesn't feel the same without Rafa. Clay holds such a special spot in my heart when it comes to tennis. When I first started watching by myself, RG 2004 finals was the most excited I had ever been for any match I had seen in my short few years. P was a huge fan of Coria back then (deffo in part cuz he was hot). He happened to be on fire that tourney and almost everyone thought it was a given that he would win. The day of the match, I had this huge intuition that I need to root for Gaudio. I don't even know why, but something had a hold on me that was quite inexplicable at the time. As the match went on, coria was two sets up and I was so on edge and yet some voice inside kept saying hold on. I'm glad I listened to it, cuz what happened next was simply insaane. The comeback in the next three sets and the subsequent win that Gaudio pulled out of his hat was one of the best and most memorable victories I've ever seen. The specialness of that moment quite frankly astounding to me, and it was also one of those moments that I leaned into my intuition 100%. 

Over the years, I've gotten better at understanding the game and my intuition has been replaced more or less by trying to analyse whatever data I see in front of me. It's kinda become a game of sorts to see if I can accurately churn that data in my mind and predict the outcomes. Fine-tuning this has become a nice passtime. It's also nice to discuss tennis once in a while, although I barely know anyone who actually likes and follows the sport beyond casual viewing. Except one person ofcourse. Wish I knew him better though, he seems to know a lot about a bunch of stuff, so it would be fun to talk about it all. Plus he seems like a sweetheart, although I sense he does his best to hide that fact lol. Too bad we don't even have each others' numbers ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

I also wish more women were into sports, it's always been a pet peeve of mine that very few have a passion for it. I think only M watches but she only sees GS and barely knows anything beyond the Big 3. Which is fine, but it doesn't lead to much conversation about it. And very few guys watch either, most just like football and cricket I guess. In a way that's okay too, idk why but guys just haaave this giant urge to explain every sport the minute you mention you like it. Won't even wait to find out if you actually know anything, just straight up explain the basics like you are a total noob, then get salty when you display any amount of competence lol. So many times in my life I've had to pretend to not know something or give people an out in order to avoid bruising their ego. Sad that these are more or less the buckets most people fall into. 

Come to think of it, I know two women who are married to tier 1 athletes, and I'm pretty sure one of them has no clue about the sport either. The other one has no choice, her husband is literally a GOAT and it would be shameful if she didn't. She is a baller herself, so I'm sure she is very clued in. B's wife on the other hand deffo wouldn't know lol. I remember her from back in school days, she had zero interest in tennis. Ironic, given who she married(I'm still shocked that she chose to get married so young, but to each their own). Oooh I also recall how crazy B used to be back then lmao. I used to think he was a total fuckboi from all the stories that were doing the rounds. The time he tried to threaten the college boys and told them to stay away from her haha. It's really nice to see the man he has become now though. To be competent and play at the highest level into your 40's, and having that drive is something I respect so much. I'm sure it's not the easiest thing in the world, and after achieving as much as he has, anyone would understand if he chose to retire. Plus being the rich kid he has always been, he could have easily gone on to enjoy his pork and drinks, in keeping with Coorgi boy traditions. Yet the man plays and plays well, salute to that. Hope he continues and wins lots for years to come. People like him are inspiring. 

All this makes me realise how many things have occurred and how many varied people I've actually known over the years. Interesting. 

Reminiscing is fun. 

Edit: of all the coincidences, I just came across the 2005 Nadal v Coria Rome highlights, Coria was such a beast! ♥️ And baby Nadal in those white 3/4ths omg. It was this match after which I knew Nadal had arrived and he went on to win his first ever RG later that month. Fuuuuck!! Birth of an absolute champ. 

I used to have paper cut outs of these two on my bulletin board. Need them back up there. Hope Rafa recovers soon, much love!