Engaging

Sipping my coffee and reading the news. It's a nice lil mid morning routine. Was having a mild debate about property tax laws with Di, and it's interesting how she has more right/republican views while mine are left/democratic. I like when you can discuss things intensely but can also disagree politely.

Come to think of it, mental stimulation has truly been lacking for a while, almost a year more or less. Damn, makes me want to meet new people now... It's been a while since I had an engaging conversation with anyone, I miss the exchange of ideas and having a heart to heart with someone. Most people I grow close to are ones I can talk to, and whose intellect I respect, I've noticed. Even when S was in town, we hung out and turns out we hung out for a good 5 hours and didn't even realise it. And that was agggges ago! I haven't had that experience in a long time, or met a good conversationalist in forever. Actually kinda miss it. In general it's nice to be around people who can initiate conversations and carry them forward freely.

Time to make some changes, and find some like minded folks.

Where are you all hiding? Come to meeee! 

Hugh Laurie

Why am I only finding out today that Hugh Laurie SINGS? 

Man, and he is good! What a nice voice! Truly a very talented guy.

Subscribedddd

Of Masters and Maidens

Cloudbearer, Enchanter, Necromancer... you maketh me sway...To the sound of this.

1.07.00 onwards and I'm IN LOVE! 

Ugh, music... A sorcerer like no other! 

I proclaim thee my master 

And may you consider me 

your slave, your lover, 

your ardent admirer, 

A lil nymph, a slice of home 

Wait, let me close my eyes.

I wanna dive into you

Possess you, and be possessed by you

Make you mine

If only for just that moment in time

Again and again and again 

and maybe once more?

Breathless, 

Touch the right notes 

Whisper to me soft and slow

Take me higher and higher and higher

Keep me steady 

Claim me as your own

Wrap your arms around me

Hold me tight, it's alright

Look me in the eyes, once, twice, thrice

Istg I'll show you my soul

 

It's 1.12.30 now, 

1.14.00

1.16.40

And the piano kicks in

Soft

Melodic

Devastating

I love you so.

1.20.00

Let's gooooooo

1.25.15

The power gives way

The calm after the storm

Gentleness

And the essense of transience 

~ 

Something about the crescendo breaking, in songs, in life, while making love, while being silent. 

All of it has such raw emotional power in it. 

And a violin captures it so well.

Running tracks

Song for runs. I love these sultry slow burns so damn much. 

NTO is so damn good. Glad I worked out today. My injury has really set my running back so much wtf. Gotta build up fitness again zomg. This is so annoying. Feeling a bit mad at self and my hurting leg ugghhhh. Screw it, I'll just keep running injured idc.

Edit: NTO bad for chess lmao. Getting too hyped 

Yooooo

One piece live action dropped and it has good reviewssss omggg

No mood to workoutttt why is it so hotttt 😩 and it's raining but still hot wtfffff aaaaaaa. I want to whine like mad rn 

Lessons

Was talking to Di, and she told me she decided to keep her distance from A from now. So funny how life turns out. They were besties from childhood, literally spent their formative years with just each other. And now they live in the same town and yet don't meet more than twice a year. It's also funny how Di and I became friends. We used to keep away from each other cuz we were both friends with A, and A was jealous and possesive. Lol, so childish in retrospect. But man, A just ended up being a huge lesson in toxicity for both of us. I feel like when you feel inadequate, insecure you only choose the people who are awful to you because that's all you feel you deserve. I remember vividly how me and M took ages to become close and I didn't have an affinity for her in the beginning but had a draw towards A and the toxic cycles we were in. But as we grew up, I realised that the reason I didn't pick M initially was simply cuz it felt unfamiliar to be around someone nice. And cut to so many years later, and she is like a sister to me. Despite our personality differences, our bond grew slow and steady and I'm so glad. Di also had so many struggles to overcome. Both her long term boyfriends cheated on her, left her guarded, devastated and completely on edge. She didn't believe in marriage, well... Neither did I to be honest. Lol. But both of us are resilient and made sure we remove all the negative thinking patterns that were preventing us from realising that fear of things blowing up is not a good place to make decisions from. The funny thing about fear is that it only attracts people that make those fears come true, and the ones who wouldn't just feel so unfamiliar that we wouldn't pick them. Atleast until we stop running and start seeing things and choices more clinically and the role we have been playing in our own destiny. That's also not easy cuz it's just uncharted territory, so it's very hard to define what a good, healthy equation looks like. But no matter, we got there in the end 💪🏼

But you know... one of the things that just sucks ass is how growing up in toxic families just colours everyone's behavior so so badly. It's just awful that kids have to deal with shit from the get go and turn into fearful adults who take ages to break that cycle. And it's so hard for them to realise that it wasn't their fault and their inner voice and personality matters. But having said that, my only hope for A and all the other folks who taught me lessons along the way is - I hope you all stop being lessons in " what not to do " in other peoples' lives and start instead change enough to become strong and steady so people can find you reliable and think of you with affection. If you keep harming someone, they eventually realise their worth and leave. And the end result will always be you alone or with folks who don't value themselves, repeating those cycles of stupidity. All that insecurity, pain infliction, control, manipulation - it all stems from you not wanting to lose people but not recognising the fact that your own behaviour drives them away. It sucks, but it is what it is. Maybe the people you harm leaving you might help you change too. I know A has tried over the years to recognise her own faults and has tried to make amends. So there's a silver lining there too I suppose. 

Anyway, I wish her the best. But I'm glad I'm finally over the hump and wouldn't let someone like her in my life again. Lol, I'm finally mature enough to try and make sure the second half of my life has peace and merriment. And I'm sure it will. After a long time I feel so centered and it's not in a weird " will this go away " way, but rather, I'm happy with me way. Took long enough, but was worth the struggle and the wait. Hehe. 

Cheers! Chin chin! 🥂

Wish upon a star

Given how emotionally wrought my week was, I came to one conclusion. 

I'm incredibly grateful to the people who were and are my rocks - you guys are worth your weight in gold and are constant benchmarks that enable me to keep myself grounded and loved. Thank you for all the love you all give me, and give me without hesitation. 

A special mention to prawns. I know we don't talk anymore, but while our friendship lasted, you were one of my first genuine and most wonderful friends. I hope you are doing fine, I hope you are having fun in life. And above all, I hope you have moved on. You deserve the best, I hope you see that in yourself. Please put yourself out there and find a love that is deserving of you, I promise you'll find it and it'll be wonderful and wholesome. I hit 1900 in blitz  one day so I beat your stupid ass friend too, I'm sure you'd have loved to hear that and make a huge fuss for me. I'd ezpz kick your ass now as well so suck it. You are the one person who would have genuinely been happy for me for this lol, you saw my chess struggles like noone else. Otherwise, maybe smoke less pot but just keep doing you and keep moving forward. Happy belated birthday too, hope it was fun! I didn't forget, but I don't think us connecting again is good for either of us anymore. Live your life to the fullest and take care. 🫂

All in all, peace out, and hope we all tackle this journey of life with all the integrity we can muster. Here's to sunshine, healing, righting the wrongs and being light and happy. No problem too big that a little love won't fix after all. So let's gooooo!!! ♥️

Soy Sauce Fried Eggs

Listen. I must confess my absolute undying love for them...Holy blissful runny yolks with sesame on top. Where have you been hiding all my life?! Daaaamnnn..I'm going to make them for dinner EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS WEEK! 

Old toons

Is there an old timey cartoon called Casper and ... Where Casper is a dog? Weird. Idk why but I'm getting some random flashback into rerun clips of this, almost like it was a lesser known Tom and Jerry. Lol. So strange

Listening to: Carnival

Good intentions

I wonder sometimes if people realise that when they do what they think is necessary, it might actually be inflicting harshness on someone else? 

But they do it anyway, don't they? 

Nothing like the tyranny of folks who are convinced they are doing the right thing. 

And you know what sucks about them and about most people? Atleast to me. When they throw themselves pity parties and attain victimhood in a " I couldn't do better ", " I'm not good enough", " It hurts me more than it hurts you " kinda way. All that bs is just to avoid taking responsibility and instead shift focus on their woes, which are imaginary, while ignoring the woes they cause. Lol. 

Idk why I felt like ranting but my god that level of wussness just makes me look at them as spineless. Lol, but I suppose if you call them that then they'll also find an excuse to be angry and avoid further. Ugh. 

I think that lady from first floor and the fight we had today has really annoyed the crap outta me. Just want to shout at her, annoying, entitled crazy ass psycho. 

Pretty as a picture

Saw this on Pinterest, I think it's some tarot thing but the art is soooo pretty!!! I love this image so much. So joyous and welcoming. Looks a bit Onam like too, maybe that's why it showed up. Hehe, I like how she is like " Hi there! ☺️" So sweet somehow. 

Aand I'm just noticing that my lotion is almost empty. Dammit. I love taking a shower and going to bed smelling like a cookie. Hope I can find another one like it 🥺

Sway

Was watching Ragnarok and found this version. Nice! 

Onam Dream Journal

Such a unique one this was. Saw M had put up some vid with all Indian decor, which surprised me and it had him just taking a vlog while people from the family bustled around prepping for the festival as it usually happens. A small kid was trying to tuck in the corners of a very pink and festive sheet fitted with silver, and I was thinking wow, haven't seen such brightness and festivity in a long time. Just kinda made me smile to think of the hustle and bustle and how bright and warm and inclusive festivals can be. Whether you believe in god or not, they do bring joy to kids and adults in their own way. And the dressing up is fun too.

And guess what? I woke up to realise it's onam today. :)

And incidentally, I made myself some coconut milk stew + dosa too. What are the odds lol.

To bountiful harvests, and happy omens and happy onam lol! 

And lots of love to my darling stubborn M, for finding a way into my dreams with his shenanigans. The worst thing about you is how adorable I find you, and how hard it is to stay mad at someone who is so childish. You're an ass dude. Just wanna flip you off so bad. 😅😒🤦‍♀️. Ugh. Still, it's onam so bigbighug, hope you are taking care of yourself. ♥️

Lovefool

One of my fav Cardigans songs everrr. love itt!!

If I was a singer, this would be my vibe. Casual, deep, teasy, accepting, aware.

Pop rock for the win. 

Aaand starting my dayyy. 

Dungeons and Demons

So I acknowledged what I want and it looks like a wholesome picture, a target to aim at. At the same time, the picture is incomplete without me acknowledging my shadow sides, ones that have plagued me all my life. 

My parents' bad marriage is the root cause of it all. My dad's constant absence, my mother's constant neediness of me, stifling of my independence, my personality, my choices, and above all her relentless assault on my emotions. She never viewed me as a child, but as an extention of her that was meant to be used as she sees fit. My dad only wanted to know if I am successful, he didn't seem to value any traits or personality I have. Between them, I ended up with a lack of self love. In fact, I lacked even a sense of self protection. I did not have a safe space growing up, or even as an adult and I learnt very late that I can actually be safe around some folks. 

Where did that leave me?

1. As a person that was afraid of intimacy. I don't think I've ever been truly intimate with anyone ever. Physically, yes, mentally and emotionally... Fuck no. I've never let someone into the deepest parts of my mind and heart. I want to change that slowly, but I recognise there will be hiccups along the way. I am determined to fight these barriers though, I refuse to let fears control me. I want to attain that peace which comes with inner strength and self love and I'm building that even as I type this. 

2. As a person that fears abandonment. I fear being left out in the cold. And that can sometimes make me want to earn someone's love but all the time I'd be fearful of losing them. It makes me feel powerless. I also used to fear that I'll choose someone whose love I wouldn't attain, and repeat the cycle my mom did. I hated seeing the hurt she faced all her life. And it made me want to avoid marriage and commitment. This is why I want someone whose presence I can count on, who makes me a priority. Because it helps me loosen that fear. And hopefully one day lose it entirely. 

3. I sometimes stress too much on the physical aspect. Idk where this comes from, and while I go long periods of abstinence, when I'm in a relationship, I love to explore and reach highs with my partner. Something insatiable takes over, and I like to regulate it so as not to burn out, but I definitely want the spark to be consistent and long lasting. So I do need someone not vanilla in the bedroom. Doing it at a set time is the stuff of nightmares, I'd get bored asf. So I guess someone who matches my sexual intensity will be an important factor for me as well. When I say I love being a seductress, I mean it. I get off on the power trip and I'm creative enough to keep it interesting, so keep up or outdo me. This side of me is rarely visible to the outer world, I guess I keep it hidden because of its potency. But I want you to unlock it in me. 

I think my possessiveness is inherent, that is non negotiable. So I want someone who also has that trait or atleast understands it enough to not trigger it in me, we can balance it out when we recognise it in each other. 

These are my flaws and my fears. I'm a strong person, I'm opinionated, I'm rash at times, I'm clever and I'm blunt. I can be very, very relentless. Those sides are good with objects, but not necessarily with people. The thing that tempers me is my inherent love for people and fairplay and protectiveness and  kindness. There's never been a time in my life that I've willingly tried to hurt someone, and I never will. I've been working to ensure I'm gentler, but occasionally the ruthless rationalist in me can show its strong hand. I am not a slave to it though, my ego has never overridden my compassion and it never will. 

So all in all, I don't think a boring person is someone I can be with. I'll get antsy. Someone gutsy, semi erratic, semi chaotic but with a baseline of solidity is going to be my sweet spot. Someone equally strong, headstrong even, who matches my will and my strength. I want to recognise bits of me in you, so we can attain balance. Only respect leads to love for me. It is what it is. But once you have it, you'll have me for life. And we can grow together and deal with each other in a real, human way. Highs and lows, we will hit both I'm sure. But I've learnt to play it slow because I seek longevity, I seek freedom, and I seek to make a marriage last. So I understand the value in giving in, and the value of support and understanding. 

Lastly, the reason I have come around to the idea of marriage is because I want to be the master of my own destiny, not a byproduct of circumstances. I got tired of being on the defensive, being constantly triggered, being aggressive and in general living in a constant state of wanting to run away and avoid. Even the aggression in me is a fight response that kicks in when I feel threatened. I assumed that was who I was but turns out I just felt threatened most of my life. Man, discovering that was just stuff of legends lmao. I was gobsmacked. Now that those influences are minimal, I'm discovering that I'm actually a gentle person. How bizarre, how bizzare. Lol. But on a serious note - I do not wish to avoid anything anymore, not let my decisions be influenced by the past, the wrong choices, everything. Like fuck that shit, I have one life and I'm not going to allow stuff that was beyond my control strip me of my power to choose my own destiny. 

The non negotiable element in this is loyalty. You are mine, and I am yours. And between us there can be heaven and hell but no third person. Loving me is a choice I need you to freely make, I will never try to earn your love. In fact, I will never try to earn anyone's love henceforth. 

The rest, we shall overcome. 

So once again -

Freely and truly and because you want to...

Love, 

Me. 

PS - Idk why today of all days I felt like baring my soul, but it felt like it was important I do so. It's good to get the clear, unvarnished truth out sometimes. 

PPS - to my parents, I forgive you. 

Well, this has taken a lot out of me. So I'm gonna rest, chill, recuperate and take things easy for a while.

Peace ✌️

Clarity

I want to take a moment to pen down my thoughts with as much clarity as I can muster. Especially regarding my future. I'm only going to write what I want and not paint any negative shades in this. No baggage of the past, no fears, no blockages. And use this as gospel forever more.  

So what is it that I seek?

I think I'm clear that I want a partner and a marriage at some point. With someone I love  and who loves me back. I want that person to be open to me, honest with me, respectful and kind towards me. I want him to seek to include me in his life, take an interest in mine and for both of us to have a mutual sense of gratefulness and compassion towards each other. I want to get to know him slowly, steadily, at a pace that is comfortable for us both. I want my partner to make me feel invited into his inner world, make me feel secure in his love for me and share the intimate parts of his mind and feelings with me. I want him to reach out to me, check how I'm doing, share things about his day. All the small, everyday things that make you feel wanted and cherished. This is probably one of the most important things for me. I want to do the same with him. 

Share parts I'm scared of, ashamed of, whatever it be. And trust that he would be accepting of all my shades as I would be of him. And to say sorry if we mess up, which I'm sure we will from time to time but who cares as long as we acknowledge it? 

I will wait and earn that trust if I have to, but the choice to share has to be made by him. I want him to take it slow with me as well. 

I'd love for us to be friends first. I think now that we are adults, it's okay to be mature in knowing someone and not get washed away by passions. Build a sense of trust and kinship with each other. Be able to laugh at silly things, at ourselves, at the absurdity of the world we live in. But most importantly, be completely at ease with each other. I think it's very very important to take things slow in the beginning so that a sense of solidity and reliability can build over time, and noone gets spooked lol. At our age, everyone has had their heart broken or had something awful to deal with, so lets not let the baggage of the past enter the present. A fresh start, a fresh seed and fresh nourishment, just the two of us! 

Eventually, I want to be able to include his family into my circle of love, give them love and respect both. And I'd like him to be able to extend the same hand towards mine. Whether our families play a big role or a minute one in our lives, we should be able to be the pillars our families depend on in times of need. Atleast that much we owe them. 

Both our values need to align on the important things.

I want to be able to have his back, help him when he is down, care about his wellbeing, and in general lean into my role as the woman in the relationship. Bonus points for cute domestic stuff as nagging if he stressed out too much or in general isn't taking care of himself.

More than anything, I think I just crave the idea of a simple life with someone. Do some gardening, have a pet, keep track of our health and fitness, lean on each other when needed without burdening or suffocating anyone. I'll match your strength when I need to, be both your shield and your rock. But please bring the gentleness, romance, affection and reliability that my clumsy heart craves. I haven't learnt how to do that till now, and I lack finesse. But I promise I'll try my best. 

There should be an air of welcoming and friendliness in our home, with lots of music playing, us dancing to songs we love, us teasing and troubling and kissing each other whenever we want and lots and lots of hugs. It would be nice to have a set of good friends and people who feel loved and welcome in our home, who we can cook some nice food for, and always have some leftovers to parcel for them. A little bit of daily chaos and a small den where we can hide peacefully if either of us feels overwhelmed by the chaos too. A silent reading corner and occasionally shouting at the other to keep it down lol. If we have kids, then I'd like us to put them first. If we don't, then hopefully we can get a dog or two maybe? That would be nice. :) And when times are tough, we switch to serious roles and be steady for each other as well.

Apart from this, I want to live a full life, I want to work hard, I want to try being an author, I want to be able to explore my creativity and give it shape and form. I love to learn, but I'd like to translate that into giving back as well. I want to ensure food habits that I have built over the last few years continue to stick, my fitness levels get better and better, and a stretch goal is always a good time for a marathon. I'm comfortable in leaning into my innate ability to work hard when times ask for it, so no sweat, all external obstacles are things I'll deal with as they come. 

I guess that's it. 

Looking forward to keeping streamlined from now, finding that friend who becomes my lover and then my husband and loving him forever and ever ♾️.

This is the most honest and genuine I've ever been. It's taken me half my life to be able to finally know what I want, what I'm willing to give and what I know I deserve. And this is the centre of my being, no more, no less.

Had the sudden urge to say amen.

Hehe. ♥️

Love,

Me.

Song of the day

If you're lost you can look 

and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting

Time after time 

♥️

It's actually true. You lunatics in my life, I'll never give up on you guys, no matter what. Might scold you from time to time but I will always catch you <3 

Goo. I AM GOO

The Princess and the Pea

Omg... I just realised that it can be an analogy for sensitivity. Daaaamn. How cuuute. I used to dislike it as a kid cuz in my mind I was like bruh how can you be so damn privileged and sheltered that you feel it through so many layers of mattresses. But it suddenly occurs to me now that it can also be about being so in touch with things that you can feel the anomaly even when far removed. Perspective is such a funny thing, never know when it clobbers you. Okay I don't hate the princess anymore. 

Incidentally I also remember that when I was a tiny baby I rolled off the bed and into the mosquito net and continued sleeping. And my parents couldn't find me and panicked and searched the entire house. And I CONTINUED SLEEPING. Lmao. The number of times I've fallen fast asleep as the world falls down around me is one too many haha.  

Okay need to revisit all these little children's tales to see what I might have missed. Of all the things I love to read, the stories of childhood are what I hold closest to my heart. Hans Cristian Andersen, Aesops, so much treasure in them. I badly want to author a book for kids too. I'll try my hand at it someday for sure!

Oh man, fell asleep and slept for 4 hours 💀. The day has GONE 

Sexual musings

So many people these days seem to have an affinity for a dom sub kinda relationship. I have never explored one myself but I wonder if I would have an appetite for it. I've never been a dom, I hate the idea of dominating a guy lol. And I do have a preference for partners that take charge in the bedroom. Come to think of it, I also prefer older men as they turn me on the most. Definitely not younger, even the idea of fucking a younger dude weirds me out. Hmmm. 

So I wonder if I would be a sub. Not sure. I do like it when someone is aggressive and pins me down especially after I sass them lots. Lol. Something about a guy just hitting peak maleness in their desire to conquer me after that is immensely gratifying. I would meekly follow instructions after that I suppose, but I'll always have that slight twinkle in my eye while doing it. I don't think this is very sub type behaviour, I don't want to have no say in the equation. I guess I'm somewhere in between. There's an intersection of a power struggle when you are trying to seduce each other and turn each other on that is my sweet spot. And I like switching between sass and romanticism and just simultaneously tease plus cherish the man I'm with. Honey and Fire, that's me in my element. I like initiating and being the seductress, but just to the point after which the man takes over. Maybe I have features of the Brat in me. Yeah, like a mix of brat + womanness is my thing. I suppose a lot of it is also about trust. I would explore more things if I have a basis of trust with a partner. I've always found ropes enticing, there's something very aesthetic about them. But I've never really trusted anyone enough to try them out with them. Cuffs are okay but limiting. Really need to know how to give someone pleasure for them to actually be of use otherwise just seems like a teenage fantasy. I wouldn't like to tie a man up though, idk I'm a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to gender roles in the bedroom. Probably why I also like rugged men, slightly unkempt, not too metrosexual. Like those waxed chests actually turn me off lol. Men should be men. Especially ones with strong hands. Oh lord. That's honestly my weak spot. Nothing like having a pair of strong hands on you, just feels so damn sexy. So in a nutshell, I want to seduce you, make you feel like a king, give in, have you pin me down or up against a wall, push up against me, lift my leg up, look me in the eye, and then show me what you got. Cheers! 🥂

Oh and roleplay. Now thaaat I love. Nothing like being a seemingly innocent, and yet a naughty lil wench. 

Maaan, wish more people enjoyed medieval fantasies. The things I would do with those who do. Oof. 🥺

TV binge

Watching Schitts Creek. It's such a sweet show. Love the characters and their interactions. I like shows that have a heart. I want to watch some freaks and geeks reruns too. One of the bestest shows out there! 

Nice lazy Sunday, just need a nap to recharge. Too many nights with fitful sleep giving me dark circles :x

Immerse

Couldn't fall asleep, and now suddenly remembered this song

Hehe, this song is my happy place. I picture myself just dancing in a circle with my eyes closed to it. And now I feel peaceful, like all the worries and stress is dissolving. :)

Anger and Flight

Talking to Di and omg she is sharing the exact same issues she has had with her mom as I have with mine lmao. Man, our mums' anger was so fucking unreal and scary. Made us so defensive and wanting to be left alone everytime some problem occurs. I recently realised that it's an awful thing to do to someone. Maybe comes across as silent treatment when it's not that, it's just me trying to not feel hurt. Ugh. I hope it doesn't come across that way. Pls forgive me if it does. :(

Dammit. I really need to work on it. 

Phew!

The one thing I've realised over the last year, and articulated over this last week is that... you shouldn't have to dim yourself for someone else. I think dating A made me feel like I'd hit rock bottom. He would never ask about me, never cared, only focused on himself, constantly kept belittling me and trying to act like he was superior. All of that combined with his inability to empathise left me feeling like all I deserved was grief in relationships, no love or gentleness. And then in some weird twisted way... The way M always ignored every little thing I said about me, and only focused on himself, made me feel so unseen. Like he wanted me to think he is great, but he wasn't remotely bothered about anything that makes me who I am. It stung every time, but I never said anything cuz in my mind it was like ok not my place to. But in the end, that shouting he gave me made me suddenly realise that wow, it's not my fault or any inadequacy in me that makes people behave the way they do. In a way, I'm very grateful to both of them, because somehow this behaviour led me to discover compassion and love for myself. I'm never again settling for these bare minimum efforts or going to give more than I receive to people. That's something I'm very clear on going forward. And it may have taken me a long time to realise it but honestly, I now do believe am worth the effort of keeping around and loving lots and showing both kindness as well as gentleness to. If you guys couldn't see that, too bad. But you did make me reach a point where I do, and I'm going to lean into that for myself from now. M - you said we were friends, but friendship includes respect, openness and honesty, without that the word loses all its meaning. And I'm not going to spell that out for you, it's something you need to understand on your own, even if it takes you forever to. The irony is that you and I are so similar, we could actually be extremely close and trusting of each other, if only you could see that. But your childish, untrusting, stubborn soul probably just let's you see the worst possible outcome, instead of the good one. Why do you choose to crawl when you could fly? You little weirdo. Oh well, can only take a horse to water I suppose. There's a lot that you hide, and very little that you let on. Maybe you are married, separated, tindering like your life depends on it. Could be anything, and I've never once asked you to reveal your secrets if you weren't comfortable. But I did extend a genuine hand of care towards you, and for that I deserve a bare minimum of reciprocity and trust, which you withheld from me all this time. That I'm sure you understand. 

I guess in the end - strength of character, the ability to admit when you do something wrong, the ability to value those who value you, and to be able to actually show them that value matters, in fact it's the only thing that matters.

So whatever life issues led you both to treat me that way, I'm sorry it happened to you. But you really needed to treat me better. And I won't compromise on that from now onwards. So if you can't, or choose not to, then fine. I won't ask for more as it's not my place to, but I won't settle for less.🤷‍♀️

Ball's not in my court anymore, and it took me ages to realise that lol. 

And A can go fuck himself, he is a turd without any redeeming qualities. May a pigeon shit on his head all day everyday. Hope I never have the misfortune of seeing his stupid face ever again. Lol, been so many years but he is my one example of the dredges of humanity. Oh well, good riddance. 

For now - I'm just gonna take things easy, slow and lean into being happy and content. No problem so big that it won't sort itself out in due time, no biggie. 

Keep it simple people, you got this! ✌️ But daaamn, I wish you'd figure your shit out! Honestly, sheesh. The trouble you give me is unreal. 

You know how you sometimes just wake up and all you want to do is cuddle your pillow and go back to sleep? Yeah, that's me today. 

Edit: yess, slept more, now up and feeling itttt! Let's go conquer the day! 💪🏼

Dandelion

All my life I wondered if there was something inadequate in me and had this desire to hide my real self so people only see a version of 'perfect' that I wanted to project. Which also meant that I never allowed for any true intimacy with anyone romantically. But as I'm growing up, I'm realising that it's okay to be able to let people in, and let them see the flawed, scared child I can be. It used to feel powerless to do that, which is why I tried being strong for everyone. But it's okay to let someone else be strong for you too. If I can love that child in others, then I'm sure they can do the same for me. And I actually do. I've loved everyone's inner child and sought to protect them. A, M, Di, H, S... So many people across my life. I think it's important to be able to come through for people when they seem tired or down, it makes life a tiny bit easier. I've noticed that people tend to trust me and open up to me quite a bit, and while it always surprised me, I didn't understand until much later when someone told me it's cuz they feel safe with me. That's wonderful, I'm so glad. I always assumed since I have a sharp tongue people might find me scary, so it's great that my inner intents sometimes get noticed. 

I think I've been my weakest, most vulnerable self around M and she has always caught me when I needed it. She is such an incredible  rock, a lifetime of payback wouldn't be enough for me to show her how deeply I care. A sister like no other. I think it's time I start letting my guard down for good and let people who are special to me to see the real me too. I'll always do my best for them, and that's one fact I trust implicitly as it's my core. And that's all anyone can really ask for, isn't it? Even if you falter, you can pick yourself up and try again. So yeah, in the midst of all the chaos I've felt recently, this one fact sticks out and I'm now comfortable with it. I'll try to be more open henceforth. Sometimes we realise what we need but we also have to work our way up to admitting it and that takes a bit of time. And that's okay. Time is all we have, so why begrudge it to yourself or someone else? 

Haha, approaching vulnerability with a warrior mindset, I like that. But no more armour around close ones. 

I'm genuinely so grateful for my friends. They have been so kind and supportive and loving whenever I have needed them to be. They've always been a stand in for the kind of familial love I crave, and I'm truly grateful for the emotional intimacy we all share. 

I treasure the fact that I don't have to try hard or be anyone other than who I am with them, it's so freeing. Just able to breathe easy :)

Read some Calvin and Hobbes out of the blue today. So sweet. I love his world ♥️ . It's sometimes just nice to indulge in a touch of innocence isn't it? :) 

Mum's finally feeling well thank god! I was so so so worried 

Between the intersection of strong coffee and a stronger urge to sleep, lies the unyielding heart of grumpiness.

I've again become quiet and withdrawn lol. Feel so stifled sometimes, like if I express myself, people will just hate me for it and take it in the worst possible way and yell at me or treat me badly. Invariably happens with me, huh? I sometimes wish I was a different person, I never even know what I'm doing that's so bad. But I must say, it does suck that someone I've been consistently so nice and supportive towards will not hesitate to raise their voice at me in public, and then act like it didn't happen. Like none of that matters, huh? And the funny thing is, no matter how mad I've been at times, I've never once not had their backs in public. I guess loyalty means different things to different people. But I mean, if you value an object over me then okay, what can I even say to that? And I'm not even mad, I'm just a little sad about it. Like I don't care that you fuck up, big shit. But that you just let it lie and don't make amends that's what is so frustrating about you. 

And in a sea of stupid shit that gets said around you... A guy can call someone a pedo or ask some lady to kneel in a room of 50 men, ask me if I'd like to be a cinnamon bun that he wants to glaze in full view of all public and that doesn't  draw your wrath but an innocuous statement about a string gets to you. Priorities amirite?

Oh well, it's okay. I have actually stopped expecting accountability from anyone anymore, so I suppose all this does is disappoint me slightly.

I do kinda miss 6-7 months ago when I was feeling all elated and expressive. Need to go back to feeling happy like I did then. Induce endorphins through workouts lol. Hehe, yeah I'll do that! 💪🏼 But also I want a piece of chocolate 🤤

Music

Stupid lil song I'm listening to at 4 am. Lol. Silly, silly me.

Cellos make me swoon, as do Violins. One day I'll be able to tell the difference between the two.

And now this comes on. Oh man, out of all Ghibli films, Howl's moving castle just takes my breath away everytime. I can't help but sway when I hear this song. Ballroom dance on the clouds, with lots of wind and noone watching.

Oh and the longer version is also so good! 

😒

Woke up, tried meditating AND FELL ASLEEP. AGAIN!! 

WHY CAN I NEVER MEDITATE WHY DO I ONLY FALL ASLEEP 😫

Parents

Mum finally reached Ladakh. I'm glad. What a long journey it took to get there. She misses dad so much sometimes. And yet she does so much for him. I wish he would see that and be able to give her the emotional security and love she has craved all her life. It's the one wish I've had for my parents, for them to reach a level of emotional intelligence that helps them overcome their differences and see their own flaws and their roles in making each other miserable. Mum has always been childish and strong willed, she doesn't see how her behaviour impacts everyone. That's the issue with people who are so self focused, they never take responsibility for their own roles. Maybe it's an underlying insecurity of being seen as inadequate, but the end result is them not being able to change for the better. And my dad. Idk what to say. I know he struggles with her, and it makes me sad. But he is a good man. The one thing that hit me this week was how he has never raised his voice or lost his temper on her or me or anyone else for that matter. No matter the stakes. That makes him decent in my books. I guess when it comes down to it, I've aligned more with dad than mom cuz mom had this habit of just using me as an emotional crutch. Idk how but she never saw me as a child, just as a vessel for her venting. And it scarred me so much for so long. She seems better now, a lot more caring. But man, it was a struggle to shrug off that influence. I realise a lot of my fears are rooted in her. But through her, I've also realised the importance of letting go and allowing people room to breathe so they can choose to love you freely. That is so important, but a lesson that my mom needs to learn. I hope she does. And I hope dad stops being an escapist and actually understands that by denying her the love she wants, he keeps harming her too. It's so frustrating to see them both just stuck in this loop of thinking they did everything right and everyone else was the problem. Like no guys, you were the problem, it was always your stupid selfish actions that caused you and then us misery. Grow the fuck up, you guys are reaching your 60s, it's about fucking time. 🙄

Lol. One of the biggest tasks of my life was separating myself from their shitshow and learning that my life doesn't have to follow their trajectory. It coloured my view of relationships for so long, caused me to be so insecure and avoidant. But I'm a lot better now. If only I get that final piece of the puzzle right, wherein I can wait and choose people who show me love and care freely, instead of doing all the work for them, I think I'd finally succeed in reaching that centre of calmness, stability and strength that I have craved all my life too. I'm sure I'll do my best and be amazing once that fear is fully gone. I mean, I do think I do my best now too, and I am actually a worthwhile person :). Feels strange to admit that for once, but yeah. I think I finally have started seeing my own value and appreciating it. It was a tough journey, littered with bad people choices that negated my existence, but I do feel like I'm free of all these external influences. Just gotta keep at it, and I'm sure everything will align the way it needs to someday or the other. Sun's gotta shine eventually, amirite?

Meanwhile, feels nice to love yourself for once. :)

Giving up on master and Margherita. I just don't care about religious dialogues anymore. So long since I found a good, meaty book to read! I miss those days when a book would be so compelling, I had to finish it in one sitting. Only Wodehouse and Pratchett do it currently, but I've pretty much read every Wodehouse and Pratchett is a bit too childish now. I wish there were more books like Hitchhikers guide. I'm craving some nice ol British humor. 

Really want to go on a good reading bender with no food, no sleep...just an unadulterated, breakneck desire to get to the ending. 😩

Old dates

Spied the word Bengali on a yt vid and Google pics decided to regurgitate some old pics of my Bengali ex in the same day. Lol, what a coincidence. Of all the weird people I dated in my 'experience' phase, this one really takes the cake. Idk what is it about them culturally, but that weird cheating fixation is the one thing that made me steer clear of them henceforth. Man, all the banned stuff he wanted me to do, the insistence on keeping me insecure, the late night yellings. Tried to have a threesome with me and my friend and made me feel like I'm not adventurous enough when I wasn't giving into the idea. And then wanted an open relationship  with someone as possessive as me. Darling, did you not know who I was or did you simply assume I'm susceptible to manipulations? Crazy. Glad I was a black and white person who simply didn't give into all the invitations to losing my mind lol. The amount of poetry he wrote me, and all of it ended with him wanting to hate fuck me. Interestingly, I'd met a similar dude sometime early last year, and he tried to ask me out. Also a poet, also into banned ass poetry. Skipped out on him like my house was on fire. People like these have just ruined my trust in people, come to think of it. I wonder when was the last time I even felt a sense of trust, ease and camaraderie with anyone? Been years. I guess that's why I'm so guarded now and refuse to allow anyone into my heart. But it's okay I suppose, the barriers serve a purpose. Right kinda folks will win your trust easily, just gotta wait it out.

Young P -  sometimes I really wonder tf were you thinking? Lmao.

You live, you learn. 🤷‍♀️

My leg hurts so bad :( 

Dream Journal and Tennis Things

Had a dream about tiny tiger cubs and had one fall asleep in my arms while I was looking to find it a place to put it. Lol. And then I just carried it around to see where I can let it snooze but couldn't find any so it continues to stay in my arms. Lil thing would protest if I woke him up so I decided to cradle it and keep it safe.

Ps- That match was goated asf! Seeing Alcaraz cry in the end was so heartbreaking. Poor baby! What a champ he is. That 4th championship point he saved just made me reach the edge of ecstacy lmao. I just couldn't bear to watch, it was so so so insane! Loved it, absolutely one for the ages. Just seeing djoko stretched to the maximum and knowing alcaraz is a shade better is unreal. Really time for a new era to begin. Feels bittersweet really. I've spent all my life watching these three, and there's a sense of finality to it that I can't deny. The transience of life. Even djoko has come into his own, turned into a man of sorts. Doesn't show a hint of the annoying twat he used to be now, a lot more supportive and humble than he ever was. I like the change. Something about men coming into their own is joyful to see. There's so few examples I see of guys turning that corner, that I've learnt to bookmark it in my head. And he isn't a boy no more. Finally. :)

Damn, it was worth the lack of sleep and day long crankiness lol. Buuut I need to snooze omg 

Cincy Finals

This is gonna be so epic let's gooooooo!!

Djoko will be vengeful asf!!! 

This should all be tiebreaks lmaooo, wouldn't be surprised!

Hey

For it's precious love

How sweet...sing it to me Morrison! A lil cheering up this Sunday night just for me! 

Funny, just today a quote was posted on the Dostoevsky sub that I was so skeptical of. And yet this song sings of the same thing. Teeny coincidences.

And heyyyy the scientist came on too. Always sneaks up on me. 

Come up to meet you... Tell you I'm sorry...

Sorry huh. Lol, people have forgotten that word exists. 

Oh well. 

Take me back to the start! Tu tu tu tu tu tu tu

:(

Some rando just dmed me a dickpic on reddit. What the actual fuck. Why is the world so fucked up?! Ugh and these reddit folks are so utterly lame, like you just see a female avatar and decide to send all this nasty shit?! Yuck.

Man, it's been so long since I just experienced a genuine moment of niceness and kindness from a guy. Like seriously. Is that really so much to ask for? Sometimes I genuinely wonder if there is someone out there who knows how to be mature and nice and actively be able to show it to me.

Feels like a total pipe dream.

Edit: Dammit, and now I just saw this.

How sweet. I also want 🥺♥️. Lol, I'll be like her... Say everything all the time cuz I'm a talker. And he is so sweet and romantic. Dammit.

Men taketh away hope, insta algo trying to give it back. 💀

Aaaaaaaaaaa.

I'm going for a run. 

I love fish

Finally ordered something nice to eat. This stupid sickness and living off instant noodles this past week made me so hangry lol. 

Never ever eating that again. 🚫

Eff it

Having wine tonight 🍷. So tipsy with just a couple of glasses. Why is my capacity so bad?! 🥲

Edit: I feel puky :((((((

How tf do two glasses make me feel pukyyyy :((((

The Master and Margherita

Finally found a good book with great reviews to read! 

Hope and Innocence

Hehe, I found this. So much like my childhood. I was constantly cooking up some random schemes and making people follow me. Like building a spaceship from scratch. From scratch, mind you. With the belief that it would be done in two weeks max. A total corporate hoe deadline. It even has dragonflies. When dad was in Rajasthan, there were a lot of dragonflies there. Some kids used to make it a game to tie a string around their tails and make them fly. I hated those kids. It was abominable to me that someone would be cruel enough to take away that fly's freedom. 

Oh and and that time I made purnima join me in rescuing the two puppies from school. Which in retrospect, might have been us just flicking two puppies 💀. Wait, was it? Crap. Why is this only occuring to me today? Oh no. 

And we had to walk all the way back instead of taking the schoolbus. And then people thought she was kidnapped cuz she didn't reach home until very late. Man, I didn't hear the end of it when both sets of parents found out I was at the bottom of it all. What an F.

This pic made me reread some of my diaries that I kept from the age of 7? Maybe.The first one contains my first attempt at writing a book. And it was basically me just writing the plot of some Enid Blyton I had read. Lol. The rest of it is just decoding song lyrics and writing poetry. One thing that stood out in those entries and even entries of my teens was how utterly innocent I was. I always had this self image of someone very crude, and the world just tells you that you aren't feminine when you are assertive. I ended up believing that and assuming I'm an outsider for idk...most of my life? But as I read these entries I just feel like... Hmm. Like I'm someone who I would have chosen to protect had I seen the vulnerabilities in me. I just learnt early on to hide them well, to a point where noone can sense them even now unless I show it. But yeah, I was actually quite a sweet, sensitive, innocent soul. It's taken me so many years to realise that. Maybe I still am like that, who knows? I'll read this a decade from now and go 'awww'. Hehe. 

Wow

Decided to watch after so long cuz I can barely move and thought it might distract. Instead just got yelled at. In front of everyone. Wonderful. It's like shouting at me is people's birthright.

Guess you very well know I wouldn't yell back in front of others. Great position to put me in! I'll stay meek and you yell at me to your heart's content with lots of people watching. Good stuff. 👍

Exactly how men should treat women, just yell at them for all the world to see. Very very respectful.

Such a great monk you'd have made 😡

Finally the migrane has worn off. What even was that fuck. Haven't felt this much pain and nausea in a long time. Even now I'm feeling so weak and listless. No mood to make food either. Ugh. What do I do?

Unable to concentrate or do anything today, my head hurts so damn bad. Think I'll find some Miss Marple book and read quietly. Just want to feel better :(

Fuck, I have such a bad migraine. Nothing is helping. :( Feel so nauseated 

Deep Tennis analysis

M

You know? When I was talking about men, I completely didn't mention M in that. I wonder how he is. I haven't known him enough to know how responsible he is, but in my heart I feel like when push comes to shove, he might also have a dependable side to him. I sense that maybe he hasn't fully come into his own as yet. I remember when I first came across him, and it felt like he was just floating through life. He had this ease about him, like people do when they do not have to struggle. All my friends who have that ease, tend not to have serious worries in life, so I figured he was the same. At the time I didn't realise that he might have a serious side as well. But when I see him try so hard at his job, be consistent, I do feel he has some steel in him too. And it's nice. I wish I knew him better to know if what I sense in him is true. But I haven't really had a genuine, deep conversation with him to understand him fully. I think he is more or less on the cusp of that change, one that makes a person settle into themselves. My instincts say that he does need some time to fully get there though, there are parts of him that are so innocent. I don't think he realises that, but that innocence is what actually drew me to him in the first place. Funny how that happens. In my whole life, I've never once been the one to initiate a contact with someone. And with him I was so so skeptical.

But it's weird, the more I stuck around, the more he started showing more solid sides. I hope that was his genuine self and not just stuff people do to make an impression. I guess I won't fully trust that unless I actually have an opportunity to speak and understand him better. Fuck, but keeping all that aside, Idk why I feel sooo damn protective of him. It's so weird. I'm usually never complimentary of someone, nor do I make it a point to highlight it to them, but with him, the full force of my feelings just come out. I guess I want him to see himself from my lens sometimes. So that instead of being on the defence all the time, he would see what actually makes him special and trust it implicitly. He is too hard on himself. That night when someone said something heinous about him, I spent the entire time so restless. And then I woke up very Kierkegaard style and decided I'll take a leap of faith and trust that he is a good one. And then spent hours talking to him about it. I don't even know why it upset me to see him in distress, but all I wanted to do in that moment was to make sure he is fine, and I didn't care how long it took until he calms down. I wonder if he realises that or values it. I fear sometimes that he never actually understands anything about me, or how much of me I give him freely. That's actually my biggest fear with him. That there will never be a day when he realises or values how much I actually care. He doesn't seem the type to acknowledge it even if he does. That's kinda sad. I guess that's why I feel he needs time to come into his own. In general, if you only focus on you, and keep guarded about others, you don't actually realise that you aren't taking into account the other person or what value you adding to them, if any. But I guess that's something a lot of people only realise when they face loss. Meh. But I don't think it would come to that. Too drastically silly, and let me not lowball him that way. :) 

In all the strange ways I've met people in my life, this is definitely the most unlikely. And yet, it felt so fated from the start. Life was so grey and gloomy until I actually came across him. And post that, I ended up facing so many of my fears. Lol. Even as I type this, I realise there's reality and then there's the stuff in my head that needed clearing out. Spring cleaning? Maybe. I guess if I were to be honest, there's never been a single man in my life who I felt like going all in for. I didn't really know why, but I knew I wasn't a 100 percent in with any of them. But after seeing him, I realised it might come with a loooot of challenges, but he is the sort of person I'd go all in for. And that's funny, cuz he isn't an easy person, so it's absolutely weird to feel that, but in the end, I do hope that I end up with someone like him. For the first time, I realise that I'd like to take up all of life's challenges with someone like that by my side. 

Maybe that's the essence of partnership, finally coming around to the idea that x is the person you want to choose to have by you as you both tackle all that life throws at you. 

Hmm. Maybe embracing the idea that I want to genuinely have someone by my side, carry them forward and deal with life as a unit is my way of coming into my own too. Took me long enough :)

PS - when I do find it, I hope I try like hell and make sure the bond is enduring and long lasting and filled with love. And I hope the person I end up with does the same for me. I want to learn to be reliant on someone and know they have my back. I'm so independent that it has taken forever for me to realise the value in this, but now that I do, I'll align myself to ensure I build something solid. 

Pps - as I reread this, I suddenly realised I'm acting like a Mirka to his Federer lol. FedEx is such a child himself, and Mirka is such a rock. I think maybe I see a lot of me in her, and the role she plays in his life. Funny. 😅

Love was just a glance away

Worked out lots, took a shower and listening to Strangers in the night. Feels so nice. And eyes feel a little misty too. In a good way, maybe? Lol

Confession

Some days I see a game so good... it makes me wanna climb into your lap, lock eyes with you, take your hand, and slowly show you juuust how turned on I am. 

🎯

YOOOOO!

My old driving fav! Loved turning corners on empty roads on this! 

And I feeeeeeeeeeeeel

That it's reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllll

Aaahhhh. I need to go for a driiiiiveeee!!! Tomooooo! 

What maketh a man?

I was actually thinking about this. There's so few guys I'd term 'men'. Most are boys, regardless of their age. And I was wondering what difference I sense in them. And I realised the distinguishing factor is responsibility. To me, boys grow into men when they finally learn to take responsibility for people other than themselves. And these days it's not the most important thing for most, so I'm not sure how many will grow into that, but in the end that's the one thing that counts. I see those traits in my dad, how he worked hard for us, made sure we get a good life, good education, stand on our own feet. He never once asked for anything in return, except bragging rights when we do well. It's lovely. There's not a single thing I ever wanted which he didn't give me. As a kid, I was shy and I never asked for anything. So my first memory of him is when I just looked at something in a shop and I felt like I wanted it but then decided not to ask, and he just saw that one look and got it for me. And I've always known I can rely on him, part of why my life is so easy because I have that sense of security from him. And his compassion, altruism and genuine generosity is something that has defined my beliefs from the get go. I'm so proud that I'm like him. Stubborn, reliable and always choosing to protect others. These are the traits I inherit and ones I'm so proud of as well. In a country that makes such a distinction between girls and boys, he always saw the best in me and never once treated me differently because of gender. That's so rare. And I never once had him force me into some weird marriage because I'm of age and such nonsense. Damn. I do admire you and love you to bits! If there's one thing I'd love to accomplish, it's to have you be very proud of me. Just the way you have always wanted. Now that our battle of stubbornness has finally ended, I can appreciate the mix of steeliness and steadiness in you, which I keep trying to instill in myself as well. 

I'm glad I have a role model in him. The feeling intensified when I had those convos with those two twitch boys weeks/months ago. One of them has a kid, the other a fiance. And yet, neither has any semblance of responsibility or maturity. Like they may individually be nice,and I'm sure there must be positives to them as well, but there isn't a hint of traditional manliness in either. It's just bumming around. Life isn't about being edgy and cool all the time, I wonder how long it takes them to realise that. Or maybe they never will. I'm glad I extricated myself from that, sometimes in my eagerness to understand people, I momentarily lose sight of my north star. But it's cool, I always pull back. To be honest, only one dude from that group actually seems sorted, and he is a dad of three. And he likes writing long, long paragraphs...just like all old folks who love talking do! Reminds me of all the retirees from my dad's work. They are all so adorbs, and love telling me stories of their lives.

I guess spending time with P and M's sister's families just brought me back to a sense of solidity. I see that solidity in Raves too. He might be genz asf in all the silly stuff he keeps doing, but he is such a dependable person when it comes to his family and carrying them forward. I think that's why we get along. Plus I love hearing about his antics with his gf lol. Such random nonsense they do, it's very entertaining. 

I think I'd also been on cusp of womanliness for the last few years, but I sense I have since turned the corner and slowly all my fears and impositions have started fading away. It took forever to work through all the issues that held me back, but I'm glad tenacity is a natural trait in me. I hope I keep going and I hope life is kind enough to bring people my way that appreciate who I am and work to keep me in their life too. I've usually been the one to do that for others, but I think it's time that others do it for me as well. I want to have a sense of restfulness when it comes to people henceforth. I'm gonna work so so hard to make sure everyone gets the best version of me too. That I promise. And no more allowing childish people who might tell me bs like 'I have no value' lol. Man, I really have lowballed myself so much all my life, haven't I? Oh well, lesson learnt, done and dusted. 

Ugh. I genuinely feel happy and content today. All smiles! :)

A happy place

P is visiting with two kids in tow and M's niece is around. That's so many small kids lmao. While the chaos is the stuff of legends, I can't help but admire how lovely both M's sister's marrige is and P's as well. Both their spouses are so supportive and nice and loyal. I guess that's why the ladies are so relaxed and happy in life. It so good to know you have a partner who has your back! ♥️ I've never told them this, but seeing their marriages are what made me come around to the idea of marriage in the first place. Esp as they are also friends with their spouses, and I think that's genuinely one of the best ways to pick a partner. And both the guys are so affectionate too. I love it. In a world that constantly acts needlessly hypersexual, and men act like juveniles, it's really great to see two guys who actually embody the essense of what in my books constitutes "men". Respectful, protective, loving and having the strength to keep their families together. After a long time it felt so peaceful to be around such happy people. I truly long to create one of my own, and I hope I'm as happy and carefree as them when I do! 

Hehe, and then I can fuss over everyone and make sure they eat on time and do all those lil lil traditional things noone knows I actually want to do. I don't think I care about anything as much as this little dream cocoon of happiness that I one day want as my reality. My very own tiny slice of heaven. I'm ambivalent on kids for now, that depends on if who I end up with wants to be a father or not, but I definitely want to be a happy wifey. First time it doesn't sound cringe in my head to say that. 

Lol, my boisterous disguise hides my womanly secrets so well. I don't think anyone in the world has an inkling to what I hide so deep in my heart. I like it that way :)

Okay I feel very goo now lol

Goals

Ordered some new paints. I have some art I want to try making. And I think it's time I finished working on the book too. I have the time, and I can dedicate it to this. Year end should be a good timeline to get it done in. Seems like a fun task to take up. Been a while since I got in the middle of a good plot. Need to start scouting publishers too, given that the first draft is more or less taking shape. Man, can't wait to go back home and get on it!

Also need to learn some new stretches, my leg has started hurting again with the strain. It's been months of this intermittent injury, wish it would heal already. Funny, I ask M about his all the time but never told him about mine. Hmm. I wonder why I never did. I actually never really talk about myself to him, do I? I guess I find it weird to share stuff unprompted. 🤷‍♀️ Oh well, to each their own. It will be nice one day to find folks who fuss over me the same way I do for others though. I think I'd love that! Makes me so gooey and warm when I receive that hehe. ☺️

Otherwise, I'm happy with the stuff I'm doing in life now. Finally able to envision the kind of future I want. I'm glad. That vision was always what was so blurry for me, following through is never the issue. Plus I'm excited to pit myself against this, see what I can come up with and what I can contribute. I'd forgotten the joy of just immersing in something you love, and the thrill of hard work. Life lately had become too mundane and I was feeling unfulfilled, so gotta correct that balance. 

Alrighty, I look forward to it. Wootwoot! 

 Fuck chess. Fuck it. 

So

TIRED

ugh. Don't feel like doing anything tried distracting with chess and played so badly I'm now tired and irritated. Fuck everything. 

Feel like having a drink after so damn long. Ugh. I won't but damn, a nice cold mojito or rose would hit the spot. Stupid random oaths I take. ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

Anime Love

Listening to this on repeat while working out. Man, anime just has such insanely good soundtracks. And I love Psycho Pass. At some point I'd thought it was Satoshi Kon's work, but no, Mob Psycho is his. Another absolute masterpiece. Something about Kon's work is soo underrated, yet it has inspired so many mainstream films. I think Paprika was the one I saw first and later read that Nolan used that as an inspiration for Inception. Even Perfect Blue and Black Swan, although I'm not sure if Aronofsky ever openly admitted to it. 

The best part is how anime gives you the flexibility to explore concepts in their true essence without human encumbrance. Most of the ones I have gravitated to over the years have very Dostoevsky type themes and villians that are conflicted and compelling. I think that's why I even liked Batman growing up, the villans are flavourful. But they are way more one dimensional than say a Makishima from Psycho Pass or Itachi or even Yagami Light - the og villian that made me love anime so much. Damn, Death Note is so spectacular! I even love Zuko, even though it's not technically anime. Last Airbender was so so so good!

Ugh, I want to watch something new and cool. It's been ages. I think the last series I loved was Arcane. Hmmm. Need to scouttt! 

Plato's republic

Finally halfway through it!!! 

But I as usual have something to nitpick here. He proposes that rulers be philosophers. Does he not see the inherent flaw in that theory? :(

Affectionate stability

I hope I'm doing the right thing. On balance. It's weird na... Trying to put yourself first often means putting others second. I hate doing that. It's so hard for me to do that too. I'm sure my bouts of unintentional selfishness may exist, but consciously I don't think I see people as a heirarchy, rather as a circle. 

But I have been very either/or and I have lately started wondering if it's too idk. Like too staunch maybe? I think the one area where I have consistently dropped the ball is resolving conflicts. I used to just let things pile up, then decide I can't take it anymore and then remove myself from that situation. I don't think that's a good approach any longer. But I think my fear always was that if I do say things people will simply not care. And it wasn't unfounded either. Cuz they didn't. And when your caregivers consistently behave like that, you do end up defaulting to an approach that's designed to minimise knowing that your feelings are of no consequence. I don't think people even understand how self negating that behaviour is. Like yesterday, I was watching some random Jolly vid, and I legit love how wholesome their yt is. And one of them was talking about how he used to be insecure but the sense of security you feel when you realise you are loved, just makes all other insecurities minimal. I think that's genuinely the baseline from which peace can be derived. And both of them dote on their spouses, their friends, their community. The one contrast that stood out to me was when M was cringing at the thought of calling some woman a 'queen'. While I too hate the word because of its imperiousness, his reaction was so telling. It made me wonder if he equates showing affection with putting yourself below a person.  Because it does take a sense of security to be able to say that word while knowing it doesn't diminish you in any way. I'm only talking about the genuine ones not the simplords who are debasing themselves. He probably meant the latter I guess. 

But yeah, when I do see the friendship and camaraderie that exists between those two lifelong friends and how much ollie, who is a creative genius imo, dotes on his friend. It reminds me of me. I love showering affection on people in general and making them feel nice. The thoughtful things he does, how he jokes about with them, it's all so laden with care. I resonate with it cuz I guess in my heart I am built for seeing the best in folks and acknowledging those sides of them openly so they know I see how wonderful they are. I don't think I'd have a problem calling someone my highness lol. I'd love it, and I'd love teasing and coaxing them, all the while being steady so they know I always have their backs. I used to think I was flighty, but I've been discovering these past few years that I'm actually very, very steady, reliable and loyal. Peace, love, care... these are the bedrocks of my soul. I never realised or appreciated how underneath all my layers of goofiness and tomfoolery how much of a traditional, feminine woman I actually am, but now I've started seeing that and I like it. Guess I've finally discovered what I'm about. ♥️ And I looove how instinctively I know how to cherish folks and do my bit so they know they can rely on me. Even that day when I was feeling so much pain, I made sure I showed up for M's bday and stuck around cuz it was an imp day for him. I don't think he realises what it took, or how I did that despite his actions hurting me, but even then I didn't choose to put myself over him, but rather just kept it a circle. Who knows...maybe someday he would actually understand it. Hmmm. I think that's my best quality. All the rest of it (and I know I do have a bunch of entertaining ones), all of them pale in comparison to my core, which I can now say is rock solid. :)

Well, I'm glad I now have a tight knit circle of close ones who I am taking forward in life and I hope as life goes on and if and when additions come around, I'm able to keep them all close and love love love them lots! 

I'd like that! Cheers, clink clink!

Discoveries

It's not a Fri-yay until you have deep intellectual discussions about Harry Potter characters banging each other. 

Click click

A pic came up in my photos lmaooo. Look at me posing 🤣. Oh god the cringe is unreal. I'm sure there's a few more where I'm pulling this bs haha.

I don't relate to this girl at all anymore! Now I cut my own fringe and roam around looking like a groomed dog. Not saying that's better but definitely preferable to this lolol. ಠಿ⁠_⁠ಠಿ The more I've embraced my goofy side, the less knotty I've become. And an interesting side effect has been not giving a hoot about weird makeup first looks. I was never one to cake a lot of it on, but even the little I used to indulge in, has steadily reached a point of bare minimum, and only for occasions. 

Still like a good smoky eye though, it's the one thing I've always loved and always will. Or a neatly executed winged eyeliner. That I'll be weak kneed for anyyyy day of the week. 

Why did I stay up till 3am lmaooo?! Can't seem to open my eyes ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

Slow and Steady

I think that day...When I just got so sad and worried. Somewhere I just realised how overlooked I've felt almost all my life. I think that's what hurt me so profoundly, that realisation that everytime I let someone into my feels, it just becomes a ticking clock until that person straight up decides to be indifferent to me. I've never been able to understand why that happens to me. Even when I try to wait and take my time, something just goes wrong and it all just blows up in my face.

Lol, how very unfortunate :) And yet, for once I'm okay with that. Maybe if circumstances don't change...it's not a big deal, cuz my reactions can. And I'm going to be a lot more careful about caring for someone, only those who deserve it, and make the effort to reciprocate, like most people in my life now! Meghu, Di, Raves, S, Stonu. All of them are great and have been very genuine and caring with me as well. And they all make an effort to show me that, as I do for them. I'm really happy about that! 

Goody! 

And I'm also really glad at how steady I've become, especially when it comes to confronting my fears. A little more time and I'm sure I'll be in my element. I look forward to it. 

Stuck

Journeys

Sometimes I wonder where mine might be leading. In my mind it just seems like a distant destination, one I can't define or grasp. But I keep looking at that one elusive star, I'm not sure what I'll find there. A fragment of affirmation, maybe? Idk. I wish I did though. 

Here on out

Is it okay if I call you mine

From here on out? 

As if I could ever stop

When you laugh, its like a light

That fills me up

'Cause you are my love

Like when I fell into your eyes

I could not get out

And I could not get enough. 

I like this song so much, the lyrics are so gentle. And that asking permission thing is sooo...idk. I totally relate to the sentiment there, the clumsiness it hides makes me feel things. I think there's so much beauty in fragility and it takes but a moment to unlock it. 

One of the few that I can sing well too. As if I could ever stooop. ♥️

Mums

Waking up to a flurry of texts from Di ranting about her mom lol. My phone wouldn't quit buzzing, thought my alarm was going off. 

No matter how old you become, parents have a special way of just triggering the crap out of us lmaoo. She, me, M... All of us have that exact reaction with our moms. 😅 

Man, I know she is venting but I find this hilarious too

Ugh

I almost told M about that conversation I had with his friend and what made me feel so grossed out. But I didn't. Man. Aaaah. I'm so annoyed. And even rn just thinking about it makes me feel so sick. No guy in my life has ever had the audacity to straight up, even as a joke say something like " If you want someone to impregnate you, let me know" 

Ugghhh. Like hoooowww. Even as a joke and I wrote off every other thing he said as a joke, how does someone just say that shit to a woman?! Howww? Idk is this my fault? Is being nice and talking to someone just opening the door to letting them say this stuff? I'm so mad at him and at myself for not calling it out more strongly than I did right then and there. But ffs I kept on saying I like someone, I'm not indulging this and changing topic. And he isn't a child, he is like 40 or so. In fact, he has a child. Fuck. I truly do not understand people sometimes. . 

It's been two weeks and even now the memory of this bs makes me feel so dirty. It's like he took something I cherish, something that's so so so private for me and just sullied it and idk I feel so grossed out by it all. And you know what? I'm mad at myself for being such a wimp that I didn't just throw a fit and end the conversation. I should have. I'm a complete moron for being this gullible. Serves me right for constantly finding excuses for how people choose to behave. 

Fuck it. I just want to forget it ever happened. And I'm never ever ever ever letting my guard down around anyone ever again. I fucking hate humanity. 

Edit: Great. I finally told meghana and she is also giving me a earful about always having rose tinted glasses and being an overall dumbass. Well, she is right. I deserve all the scoldings I get.

Smiles

Woke up feeling all happy and princess like on my light pink bed lol. All these small, simple joys I had closed my eyes to for so long! It's nice that I'm finally not stuck in that 'shut down' mindspace I was in post 2019. I walked around like a zombie for a couple of years, no feelings whatsoever. But this last one year has slowly and steadily made me happy and calm. I definitely have my moments of insecurity but on balance I can see a path that I want to follow and the person I want to grow into. And the best part? I feel like I'm quite lovable now hehe. :) 

I don't want to articulate what changed and I'm not a superstitious person but I feel like it was a bit of right place, right time and a sprinkle of destiny that helped me along. So a heartfelt thanks for making that difference, I'm quite in love with who I am and how I feel about myself now, and it wouldn't have happened had that nudge not come by. 

Sometimes it's good to just let life do its thing and let the right people and situations come by of their own accord. I think the right ones also will find a way to stay. Once I realised that - all that I used to fear just left me in an instant. And I believe everything will fall into its rightful place sooner or later.

HP

I know it's not accepted as a masterpiece anywhere but why the hell not? I've legit never read a book that's so easy to consume and yet has surprises. It's a modern day Agatha Christie in its plot and simplicity. 

Actually been trying to find some that might have similar elements or styles but it's so hard. I remember liking Stroud's Bartimaeus books, but even they kind of petered out for me later on. And all the YA stuff I have read has never been impressive. They are so lacking in details and narrative that just ends up like some B grade, forgettable Netflix show. 

Hmmm. Need to quest. 

SO GOOD...

I can't stop DANCING TO THIS 

Bow bow!!

Faaak! Sooooo good!!

Dumdumdumdum

A peek of pink

Reading up on chess and doing some haircare. And I got a new moisturizer called cake butter that makes me smell like a baked good.

On a whim of femininity, I also changed my sheets to the pink floral ones I rarely use cuz it makes me feel like a lil tuft of cotton on them. Hehe. 

I'm enjoying pampering myself so much today! Idk why I act like a boisterous monkey around people when I secretly enjoy all these things 🤭

I feel so girly and nice rn omg.

Black

Tried cycling a little and felt faint. Wtf. Hope I don't have the flu :(

Sing it

Oh how nice!

"It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss." Flashback from uni days, singing out loud and loving every minute of it! 

Turns out, I realise right at this moment why this was called Mr. Brightside lmaooo. Ooopsies. 

Why are the bangers about cheating man? Sheesh! 

Takinnnn controlll! 🎶

Fuck jealousy, do it right! Noone worth a dime will give you a reason to be jealous. 

Dear Killers - I disagree wholeheartedly with this song now, please ask Mr. Brightside to grow up. 🙃

Ugh

Feel sick. Stupid weather change 

Life Update

Finally that feeling of surrealness has left me. Feeling a sense of normalcy. I wish I could explain to M why I freaked out the way I did, but I simply don't know how to. It must have come as such a random surprise. But idk man, I think this online world and people who inhabit it are so different from who I am, and the conversation I had with his friend just made me realise how absolutely, stunningly different my life is, and it just suddenly hit me that people seem a certain way, until they don't. Like he was very nice to me but the stuff he shared about himself in general was so reckless, that when I thought about it later, it made me very uneasy. The incessant obsession with sex and this view I've seen most people online have of women just registers to me as objects. Idk, do all guys see women just as bodies to bang? Even the women seem to act like that ffs. That one lady that's just constantly harassing M, she is not even young, late 20s and still just keeps on sexualising him. Idk. Whatever happened to sex being a private thing between two people? And somewhere in that conversation with his friend it just started nagging at me that I actually don't know M at all, beyond his one persona and the fact that I trust him implicitly based on just that much info made me flip out cuz trust is so important to me. I'm sure he isn't a bad person at all, but I shouldn't be sure of that about anyone if there isn't an actual personal connect. Lol. I think I should have found a decent articulation of it instead of just dumping some emotional stuff the way I did. Or waited until I had clarity on what exactly was it that I was looking for. 

But it's okay, maybe someday I can explain. In the meantime, I think it's best I don't talk to people other than him, some of the lines his friend said greatly disturbed me. Even in jest, it felt like it was crossing a line. Esp as I kept saying I like someone as a shield. I think I have to be more mindful of my generic curiosity about people. I tend to get carried away in my quest to understand folks in the moment and then process later. And have a delayed reaction. Like after I figured my stance, it made me not even open his texts from that week onwards. Feels so bitchy to do that but I don't have the energy to deal with that volume of sexual escapades. And it wouldn't be right to tell someone I barely know that their choices come across as very reckless to me. Or that they are making statements that make me want to wrap a blanket around myself. I don't judge the way someone chooses to live their life, but I can't live mine that way, or dilute my values when something makes me feel uncomfortable. And I will never get drawn into that zone, it's simply not me. Plus I know they are friends, and I don't like having to say things behind one person's back so I don't know if I can tell M how weirded out I got or why. 

Hmm. The worst part of it was how I got so paranoid thinking what if M also has these same views? I haven't once sensed it on him but they are friends and it made me so uneasy at that time to think of this even as a remote possibility. Maybe this is what he meant when he said I don't understand the things he has seen in his profession. If he deals with this stuff incessantly, then I don't even know what to say to that. Must be tough asf. 

Oh man

 I hit 1902 🎯

Yaay

I hit 1895 blitz.

Edit: tanked it lol.

Dream Journal - 4

In this dream I was stuck in an art class where the assignment was to make something inspired by the phrase 'shades of indigo'. Me and some guy on my table were both stuck on it and then as we were brooding I was thinking I'll make a colour wheel then hated the idea. Finally I thought I'll make a stadium with a pitch and show a sea of fans in indigo colours yelling, and celebrating and the pitch has the same team colour players scoring a goal or runs depending on the sport I pick. 

While this was going on in my head, the dude on my table just painted two happy ducks running in a backyard in watercolour in my book and gave them to me lmao

That was legit sweet and now I want to paint ducks. 

What's with Twitter's new logo? Looks so bad and everytime I get a notif, it feels like someone challenged me to a game or something 🙄

Chess update

Finally liking chess more. It's nice. Actually understanding some stuff. Now I just have to dig deep and start playing longer games. It's fun too, thinking about it in a modular way is helping understand that each move is a problem set and suddenly able to visualise too. Just gotta stop being too fast but I guess that will come with practice. I think what I love most is how it just brutally takes me out of my comfort zone. Feel bad short term but the end of each session feels quite rewarding. Quite exhausting too lol. But yaay. Finally! 

CRAVINGGG

CHOCOLATE 🍫

NEED

WAANT

NOOOWW

Womanly things and dreams

I was having such a nice dream. Inside this ancient house built overlooking two rivers merging and a cold valley on one side. A caretaker just gave me a tour and the nature was spectacular. Also, oddly I remember a sitting area because it had Prussian blue walls and they were such a vivid colour that I loved it. Everytime I would switch off a light, a new one would switch on. Like those puzzles. There was a map to the house that was embedded in one of the windowsills. I also remember taking a picture of the valley through the window. Oh man that stillness and that view was so incredible. Overlooking these 2-3 tiers of settlements and culminating in a deep river ravine at the bottom. Loved it. Aaaah. I want to snooze agaiiiin.

Oh and I told myself I won't nag M but I saw one of his reels where he is hobbling/wincing again and couldn't stop myself from reminding him to go to the doc lol. To my credit I didn't say it immediately. If I tell the other M, she would just be mad at me and I'll get an instant scolding lmao. I don't think she has a high opinion of him or likes him very much ☠️

But I guess, in my own way I want him to feel cared for. I know it's a small thing to ask and such, but he just seems like such a baby to me sometimes. Like very innocent. And just draws out my protective instincts in full force somehow. Esp with all that gruffness lol, too adorable. Whatever, I don't mind doing my bit even if M thinks it's stupid of me to. I don't think caring for someone should be conditional on them doing the same for you anyway cuz it's just transaction otherwise. For this, I'll bear her scoldings with good grace. 

Determining care

Dad moved to Leh today. Lol, I barely even knew his travel plans. So disconnected. All my life I've only avoided both my parents cuz all I felt was them extracting something out of me emotionally. Both for different reasons, but my god they were so emotionally tyrannical growing up. Dad's only focus was how well I do at studies. I don't even recall any memory of him until I was 14 and he suddenly appeared to dictate my choices. I think half my life was just a battle resisting his control and the other half was escaping my mom's emotional assualt. Man, I used to feel so trapped. In my own head. Like this feeling of helplessness where I'm stuck in place and other people are constantly eroding and snatching away what I hold dear. 

Now that I'm away from their influence, I realise I'm such a different person. I also realise how much of their behaviour impacted my self worth. Lol, I don't think I had any. Like I remember once when I was 21, and A was with me. He used to be very aware of my reactions, and someone said something that pinched and he caught a drop in my guard. He asked me later that night what was up. And I remember my instant need to deny anything happened with the line " no nothing, it's not important". The thing he said next always stayed with me. " If you felt it, why isn't it important? Ofcourse it is." I know many normal folks would never see this as anything out of the ordinary, but it was legit the first time in my life I was even aware that my feelings matter. And it took me years from that night to actually internalise it. I suddenly thought of it now cuz my body hurts and in general I'm feeling irritable, and my mum just kept talking to me. She does this weird thing where she just keeps talking and doesn't even wait for my response or even care about it. And I'm in pain, and I'm just saying hmmm and she doesn't even notice. And all I was doing was trying to hide my reaction and pretend to listen, while wanting to internally just yell. Like if I'm in pain and the other person doesn't even notice? Tf is that? I hate it. It's like parent 1 is so self involved that all they think about is themselves and there's no room for you, and parent 2 is so detached that unless you do what they want, they'd simply not talk to you.

Idk man, I don't want this to be a habit. I want to matter to people and I want to know that for sure. Without being silly and needy and fearful about it. I want to know how you can determine that people have your best interests and are caring? It doesn't help that my instincts and values are aligned in a way that are of benefit to others more than me and I undercut myself because it's my blind spot.

What metric should be applied? A few weeks back M told me he hides his real self and waits to see who takes the time to get to know him. Maybe there's merit in that, but in the end he is so guarded that I'm not sure if he misses out on people who could be good for him. Plus it's not my personality trait to be this cautious, so I need something that works for someone direct like me. I just have no patience also man. Fuck. I can't actually imagine having to keep a ledger and notes on who did how much for me. It just feels like such a task to keep score like that. 

Ugh. Idk. How do I solve this puzzle?

Well, I'll try my best to get some balance here. And all said and done, I'm done being influenced by my parents' issues and I'm done being taken for granted and I'm done making room for folks who are only takers. Even talking to Divya that day just helped deepen that feeling. So idk, I guess people do have to earn the right to be in my life henceforth too. And I guess I have to pick ones who show that to me genuinely and honestly. For once, I trust that I'll be able to. 

Wodehouse

Found an old PG Wodehouse hiding in the back of my bookcase. Omg Jeeevesss. I'll read tonight before sleeping. Been so long since I just laughed at something silly hehe. Want to act all fancy and get a nice tea and croissant or a cucumber sandwich for dinner and put them on a tray with a candle and then read it after a nice shower. This self care thing isn't half bad, I feel almost guilty treating myself 🤭

Also, I really need a new bookcase lol, my current one seems to be straining under the weight of the books, looks like it's about to break free