Greatest love ever

Running up that hill. Oo huuuu

I actually want to run up a hill fuck. Just that sweet sweet pain and endorphins. Chase that damn high. 

Dammit. Disabling pano scrobbler cuz I don't want it reading my texts lmao. Ugh no mo last fm and my digital musical impressions. Dayum. There was something so precious about sharing that profile with someone and they could know when I'm enjoying a song haha. It was cute. 

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On a night that's for the shins,no less. 

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I'm looking in on the good life

I might be doomed never to find

Without a trust, a flaming field

Am I too dumb to refine?

And if you took to me like

Well, I'd've danced like the queen of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would've fared well

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Heh. Such deeply sad lyrics set to such peppy music. Ooooo uuu ooo uooo

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I missed when life was small and I kissed you on the terrace and felt guilty because it didn't fit in with my idea of propriety. Hehe. I miss it so much. Not you, but I miss that time of innocence and wonder. I want it back. I will never look for myself in shitty lyrics nevermore. But if I could bottle that innocence and keep it safe, I would. I so would. Dammit. 

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Ugh. I must have said it a 1000 times but music is my greatest love hehe. And I shall forever be a musical philanderer, no genre shall tie me down. 

Let's see if someone can ever come close to clinching second place though. Heh. I am now curious who or what that might be. 

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On cue... Heartbeats. 

What a pretty voice you have. 

Heartbeats ♥️

Man people make fake accounts just to cheat on lichess like why ugh. Reported this person I saw cheating against this fellow too. Just annoying to see. Nolund it seems. Lolol. I wonder if that person knows what that word means but who knows maybe some cheapo did it intentionally. 

Oh wow lichess sent message saying banned also goody. Finally quick action. What a shit account though, just losing no games whatsoever. Blatant asf. Omg hahahahahha. They paired him with some 1800 cheater hahahahha. Good shit let's goooo. 

Heh. Only an engine is allowed to beat our man this badly 😬💪😤

Some guy posted on the Stoicism sub about getting Crohns. Says now he feels angry all the time. I felt so bad reading that. The more I've read about IBDs and the like, the more I've come to realise that living with these conditions must be hellish for the people who have them. :( 

I've never wondered about this before a couple of years ago but the more I've tried to educate myself on it, the more it feels so fucked up to live with. 

Sometimes life just makes you angry na. Like... Whatever nags at you internally eventually can overpower everything unless you work on it. That sucks but it exists. I do feel bad about this, truly. There's so much strife in the world. And it's a lot to handle. 

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I hate that feeling of helplessness that accompanies the realisation that you can't take away someone's pain or just magic it away. I wish I could. Hmmm. Sucks, ngl. 

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I guess at the core of it all, why I always forgive everyone no matter what and why I have such difficulty in trying to keep score etc is that deep inside there's a part of me that's afraid what the world will look like when the people I love are gone. I view life through the lens of love and people. Why I have felt like ambition etc is low key meaningless as a quest in its core too. Not meaningless maybe but temporary and fleeting. Maybe that's how I give life meaning idk. But it's always felt like the most honest part of me. Even today it does. So someone just fix everyone around me and make them be sweet and sensible and take care of themselves cuz fuck I know some crazy people lmao. Sheesh. Even worry about them when they aren't around cuz why tf not. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 All fucking lunatics. 

One of those days when I just wanna cuddle in bed ugh. Already wearing socks like a granny 😵

Role models

Conan is a goat for a reason like. I have soooo much respect for him. His demeanor with his fellow workers, his love for Sona and how protective and friendly he is. Every night I hear some of his podcast and the thing that strikes me the most is how down to earth all the folks around him are. There's no meanness there. A tiny segment where sona jokingly asked if she should diet cuz he said he was and the way he instantly jumped in with a noooo you are beautiful. Like. And the lady who added the words about how Sona was a good role model growing up for her etc was right. In a sea of fakeness, this one is the real deal and I applaud her for that. 

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I suppose my love for Elaine Benes as a character also stemmed from that. She was smart, pretty, funny, selfish and a whole lot of stuff. But she was always natural and never overly sexualised. I really respect that. I find the whole overt sexualization and objectification of women to be the exact flipside of the coin for making them wear veils and what not. It's just treating them as objects and not people. I suppose it may not be a popular opinion but like... It's okay to be who you are. For everyone. And props to conan for being such a good guy, he is so sharp and picks up on nuances so well. More people should be this way. And to think I once hung around a dude who translated the russian word for slut for me without batting an eye and letting his friend pass lewd comments. Idk why I fooled myself for so long. Heh. As they say... People show you who they are, believe them. Amen to that. 

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Zorba the Greek. We should be a bit like that. 

Day before periods and everything sweet makes me semi senti hahahah. Shit. I wanna snuggle a bar of chocolate though, kind craving that after a long time. 

Couldn't sleep, went on yt and that stupid site gave a jumpscare. Lmao. So many months of avoiding and suddenly some siberian thingie popped up complete with ai summary that was funny asf. Ugh. I hate that I'm laughing. Expert commentary analyzes every move it would seem lmao. Wtf yaaaaaa

Magnoose, Laver

End up seeing magnoose stream quite often now. I wonder how come he does it. Their app must be in trouble. Still, not complaining. Actually really enjoy how low key and chill it is. Man, can't believe a manchild like him will be a father soon haha. Everyone growing up eh? Heh. 

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Oh god again that same dude spamming esse analyses with engine on. Bruh. This is just sad and embarassing. 

Literally every time. Crazy folks. 

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Ooo bro at laver cup ugh. I wish I was there too dammit. 

Heh bro thinks opelka will win I go ruud. Let's gooooo. 

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Omg he is seeing Alcaraz too later zomgggg

Having a long chat with bro and he also suggests diversifying lol. Hmmm. Interesting. I have so much to think about tbh.  

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Lately, it's tough to articulate a lot of this stuff. I feel like I'm about to take some important calls and hmmm. As usual I'm dragging feet because of the finality a change in direction usually brings. Ponderings lol. Need some woowoo stuff like vision boards and what not. 

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Edward Hopper

Really loving his work. It's not often I understand well what an artist is trying to say but when it clicks it feels so good. 

I like his landscapes even more than his city work tbh. There's a sense of hope in them that's lacking in his cityscapes lol. 

Cape Ann Granite.

This delights me because I view landscapes this exact way.  It's so hard to express what that means but my eyes just lust for the beauty of nature in all its unvarnished glory. I love craggy hills and moss on stones and sunlight lighting up the entirety of it all. Being on top of a hill and looking around feels just this way ugh. God I love it so. 

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I know nighthawks and house by the railway is more iconic but to me there's a stillness and beauty in these that escape the dereliction of his human lens haha. Hope, I shall always cling to thee. I hope. 

Hehe some silly reel of brothers being the best crossed my feed and zomg. All senti I feel haha. Duuuuude. Ugh. Baby bros be the best 

Dream

A long road that widens slightly and goes upwards. Going up a hill of sorts that's surrounded by clouds to a restaurant right at the top in the middle of the mist and clouds. Going with someone in a car and the place was a bit on the Tibetan side with the hosts being Tibetan. The town it rests in was kinda abandoned by 7 pm. Slightly cold I expected it to be but it wasn't. A bit rainy. But going up that circular route to the hilltop was very beautiful. Let me see if I can find an image that depicts it. 

Definitely not this hypermodern but the gist is there. Hmmm. I wish I could capture the entire scenerie all the way up to the top. 

Man I wish I hadn't woken up that early I really wanted to see the rest of this dream. It was so interesting. Ugh. 

Violence

Brooo what is even happening in this world like fuuuck. What the hell. How can people just go around shooting folks man. Jesus. That's so messed up. I want the world to grow up and become normal again these fuckers have spread too much hate for this to be occuring. 😔 Noone deserves to die like this. 

It's honestly high time people stopped spreading hate and fear mongering. We need stuff that brings us closer not all this. Turn the page already. 

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I never wanted kids growing up and the way the world seems now I'm so fucking disgusted that I'm glad about that decision tbh. I would never want a kid to be a part of this complete shit show dude. Kids deserve a good world. We all have so much now, that it's just shitty to want to deliberately create a worse off world for everyone to live in tbh. Ugh. I just feel sick at the moment. 

I'd really liked that Gurel kid from the first time I saw him play and now he just beat the WC at classical. Damn. It feels nice when you can spot some good player hehe. Just a year ago he was up and coming. Good stuff can't wait to check the game out in the evening!

I cannot wait to be on my flight out aaaa. Lmao. I want to go go gooooooooo!!! 

One year death anniversary function. One thing I'll give to people who are community minded. So many of them show up and are around folks. That's quite sweet. I suppose the flip side is it can be stifling if the community is ass lol. Balance is key cuz people can be turds lol. It's an art to navigate all this, truly. I just slink off to the sidelines haha. People used to villainise being a black sheep but it's actually fairly good to be one. 

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Maaaan. I held mums hand and all lol. I think she got all emo haha. Good. Make people cry. Hahahha. 

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Ugh and now I wanna go home. Dammit why didn't I book a flight out for tomo? Should have. One extra day 💀