I feel wired

I'm playing incessantly. I'm confused, scared and a bit melancholy. Not for anything, but just for the idea of things following the same spectrum. I'm so tired of it, please break free 

Oh boy

Would my crazy impractical heart listen to sense? Is it even capable? Or does it just want to dream and idealise and hurt me in the end? This once, I choose to believe it won't. I hope I'm right.

Sway with me?

to this

And just be direct. Are you able?

Fucking imagination

Mostly leading me astray, and yet it's so powerful at the moment that I can't help myself. Ffs

Doobne De

Hearing this song by Hassan & Roshan, and it reminds me so much of Rumi. I love the line that says " masjido mai na mila tu aafato mai mil gaya " 

That's just so freaking gorgeous. The sentiment, the implication and the divinity.

I like the sufi way of showing love for divinity. Something about the dance and the immersion in the moment that strives to step outside of yourself has an appeal to me.

Pondi

Went to pondi for a short vacay, was fun. Should definitely do this more often!

Sunshine

Today is sunny, and I love it

Saving for Soren

The Unfashionable Kierkegaard

December Mornings

It's 4 am, and I'm awake. Everything is still and cold and peaceful. Just looking out from my balcony into the fogginess of the night makes me joyous. The crescent moon is especially beautiful, wish my camera could do it justice.

Parts of me that I felt were stripped away entirely, seem to be lurking around lately - hoping for new beginnings. 

I think I'm finally over the past. And I hope the future has all that I seek. 

Kaku

Seeing my aunt like this is so heartbreaking. When she reached out to touch my face and told me she is happy to see me and that she will make me chicken the way I like it, fuck man. And this time she will have beer with me. I promised her we would. My uncle and I just broke down. Oh my god. Seeing him and the kids this way is awful. And seeing her so frail. 

Why the fuck hasn't someone found a cure for cancer yet. Wtfwtfwtfwtf. I swear to god if I ever get the money for it, I will find any all research I can. 

I hope for her to find peace from the pain, I have no idea what else to say or do. Words feel so petty and cheap fuck

ChatGPT created this. What a marvel

In this world of chaos, I seek peace of mind,
A calm and steady heart, a strength of will that's hard to find.
I turn to the Stoics, and their wisdom tried and true,
To guide me through life's troubles, to help me see things through.

I am the master of my own fate,
I control my thoughts, I choose my own state.
I will not let adversity bring me down,
I will face it with strength, with courage, not a single frown.

I seek not the pleasures of this fleeting world,
For they are fleeting, their joys unfurled.
I seek instead the peace within my soul,
The strength to face the world, to take on its toll.

I will not be swayed by anger or by hate,
For these are emotions that can only seal my fate.
I will keep my mind focused, clear, and strong,
And I will face each day with courage, and do no wrong.

I am a Stoic, and I will not be moved,
By the troubles of this world, I am unmoved.
I will face each challenge with a steadfast heart,
And I will never, ever, ever fall apart.

I will live my life in accordance with the Stoic way,
With wisdom, courage, and integrity each and every day.
I will not let the world's chaos bring me to despair,

For I am a Stoic, and I will always persevere.

Man

I am so crushed by what happened today. Fuck.

Ode to my favourite philosopher

A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it's a joke. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Everytime I refer back to him, it's with a tiny bit more perspective than the last time. And all that he says resounds in my soul with a "hell yeah!"

Another one of my favourite quotes by him basically puts into words my crude thoughts about love as well. 

"Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all. Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see." 

I have ascribed to this thought in my own rudimentary way all my life. But what he leaves out here is the danger in living this way. Though I do feel the beauty generated is enough compensation for any danger you might find yourself in. 

Man, he is such a genius. 

Leaded Balloons

I remember how I used to feel so bogged down under the weight of other people's expectations. Everytime I felt like I'm not living up to their ideas of what I should be doing, a part of me wanted to work harder so I could make them happy. It was (and is) a horribly wobbly feeling that turns my insides into jelly and Idk man, I felt like such an intruder in the world of the belongers. Like a wooly mammoth perched on a balancing stone that might topple any minute, the shakiness of my footing made me nervous, aggressive, defensive and walled up.

Over time, I've been trying to internally modify the voice that seems to disregard the self for everything outer and creates monologues, scenarios and desires to approach the unapproachable for their elusive approval. My personal brand of weakness. Growing older has helped a lot. Thankfully I've learnt how to manage and detach long enough to give conscious responses to these situations. 

Incidentally, I wonder if this is the baseline feeling that generates humiliation kinks? I don't have one, but it's one of those kinks that never made sense to me. I was talking about this with a friend, how people have such a varied approach to sex. There's things that feel good and then there's things you do that make you feel wanted. I'm not sure if the venn diagram of the two is a circle anymore. When I was younger, I had such a fear of emotional intimacy that sex was more fun than romantic for me. I didn't realise it at the time, but even words like 'lovemaking' would put me off somewhat. I used to think they were cringe, and maybe they were. Even my romantic expressions were more playful banter and general affection as opposed to expressing sentiments. But my dislike just stemmed from that intangible distrust of love and emotions. One of the weird physical extensions of that thought was that I never ever let a guy go down on me.

So I guess where I am/was going wrong is not really choosing people that are givers but picking the extreme takers. Hopefully all that has changed now. I look forward to creating more meaningful equations and not constantly overstretching for the sake of non givers.

Cheers!

Remember this one?

For the love of fucked up awesomeness

Spend some time with mee

legends of the internet

Wizards and Hats