Form follows function

We have EYELIDS. That's how precise our bodies are. Fuckz

Musical musings

Crywolf - Your music is divine. <3

So take a spot in front of me and
Listen now I'm coming clean
There're so many things I think you should know
Take apart all the melodies and
Deconstruct what's inside of me
You're all I want to see before I go

For some reason ' Deconstruct what's inside of me' holds my heart more than anything. :) 
Even feel good songs need a splash of logix. 

Studio: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ltb_kzl06o

Unplugged: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYUdqbRYW2s

Monkey Brain go "Hoot' 'Hoot'

This past year I have actively tried dabbling in the Art of Conscious Choosing - the main idea being that instead of being in a reactive state, you push yourself to analyse, contemplate and make choices after getting a thorough understanding of any situation that you encounter. You also do not use the past as a frame of reference, rather you try to assess a situation as is, without judgement and with understanding. 

While it is by no means an established mode of thinking, my reason for experimenting with this was because I was seeking a change from repetitive thinking patterns. A whole lot of time in my early 20s was spent just reacting to situations. 

Sentences like these were eerily familiar:

You always make me feel like this. 

You always act this way. 

I thought you would have grown up by now.

You never take responsibility. x infinity

She must have meant this cuz she always does.

*Eyeroll*

'Always' and 'Never' were the most commonly used words.

It seems like once boxed in, every person was assigned a role they will play unto infinity. Which is to say, absolutely no change was to be expected. With the outside world, there was slight room for improvement, especially in people I held dear. But the closer the equation, the less room there was. I felt like I was trapped in a bad dream and the only way to act was to react. With anger being the choicest response. Deep down, I suffered a sense of helplessness so overwhelming it only sought expression in drastic behaviour. 

For eg: early on in life I witnessed messy marriages and unhappy homes. This created a fear in me - What if I end up in a similar situation? How will I deal? Is this an unavoidable future? Somehow I had begun to see helplessness and imagine unhappy futures as the result of partnerships. Forget the fact that we live in a different world, that what happens to others isn't necessarily where my life would head, that I only had a handful of references and the world is filled with waaay more than that, that my life is mine to choose. All that didn't even make it into the top 10 thoughts I had, because everything would get obliterated in a mess of fear and panic. Monkey brain just knows chaos. It is the reason why I stuck it out in a relationship for a year longer than necessary - because breaking up didn't seem like an option. It is also the reason why I continued to love someone despite clear evidence that he was a schmuck. It's like I refused to open my eyes and actually consider my own self a person.

Now, from an outside perspective, I'm sure everyone can spot the flaw in this mode of thinking. But for the person having that thought, it is the conditioning that wins out over conventional wisdom - because noone took the time to understand them, nor did they actively seek a solution, because where the fuck do they start and how the hell do they unsee all they have seen?

Maybe only people who have had a similar experience may realise this but the feeling of being powerless, being unable to change or take charge of your circumstance leads to resentment that is hard to shake off. Especially when it occurs in childhood and is literally your first brush with the world. I have seen this happen to a lot of people. A deadlock with situations that were beyond their control in childhood leads to the making of unhappy adults who are unable to deal with the situations despite the advantage of age and choice. Case in point: Hundreds of marriages that happen because parents forced them to get married at the appropriate time. Controlling relationships with no clear boundaries. Inability to choose a career that you want. Meh. The list just goes on and on.

The thing is, we often fail to realise the role we are playing in creating the deadlock. By refusing to assess or address our feelings, we are often doomed to repeat the pattern we are scared of. It's like the serpent eating its own tail. The key is to step outside and just ignore all the background noise. Easier said than done, I know. But it is worth the effort. Only once you actively remove yourself and your emotions from the situation, you can then begin to think of solving the mess. There is no magic solution, people will still get in your way, but your vision for yourself needs to overcome all those hurdles.

For me, the tipping point came when all my responses started to feel templatized. I was always fighting the same battle, giving the same reactions. Refusing to change but expecting the outside world to change for me instead. Because things were unfair and I was owed the change. What was worse, the expectation of future started to also fall in that pattern. That was scary af and what prompted me to seek answers. Because fuck it, don't care how fuckall life has been before, I refuuuuuse to live a shitty life ahead! It was the aha! moment that helped me realise that the cavalry ain't coming. Which is good because fuck the cavalry. I can take charge instead. What a liberating feeling that was! Suddenly the perspective shifted towards action and creation. I was finally able to move ahead with happiness.

They say hard things are good for you, and being forced into a corner can make you deal with stuff you'd have left alone otherwise.

A few tips to start practicing conscious choosing:

1. Forgive.

Forgive the ones who hurt you, made you feel sucky, made life miserable. Unequivocally. Forgiveness does not mean you expect the person to change. It just means that you choose to liberate yourself from that situation, that you gently but firmly take a step away from the mess. 

2. Accept.

Accept that you too had a role in creating this situation. You may have been small, you may not have asked for it, you are forced into a role of responsibility. All of that is true, but what is also true is that you are here, fortunately or unfortunately. So let's deal with what is and not what it should have been like. Try and see the role you are playing here to keep the change from happening. 

3. Communicate.

Talk to the people that hurt you, explain your point of view. Not to fight, not to win against them or make them feel small. Just take responsibility for yourself and say what hurt you. Be strong in your vulnerability - the act of showing true feelings may be hard, but is necessary. It doesn't matter what the other person says or does, you took a step forward towards breaking an established pattern. It counts. Soon enough it will be behind you and you'd be glad you had the courage to do it.

4. Visualise. 

Create a vision of the ideal case scenario in your head. What would I like my life to look like? Do I want a happy relationship? A better job? Better friends? Whatever it is, give yourself a point of reference for what you'd like to achieve.

5. Act.

Try to actively build the foundations for your vision. This means minimising reactions and maximising actions. 

6. Breathe.

We are all idiots, trying to do the best we can. The people that came before us and the people that will come after are also idiots. So bleh. Listen to a good song, go to your happy place and just exhale. Pshooooo.

Note to self

Things are not binary. No event is just either/or. So relax. :)

On Romeo and Juliet

“Romeo and Juliet is synonymous with “romance” in our culture today. It is seen as the love story in English-speaking culture, an emotional ideal to live up to. Yet when you really get down to what happens in the story, these kids are absolutely out of their fucking minds. And they just killed themselves to prove it!” - Mark Manson

Finally. Someone who called it like it is!
I remember when I read Romeo and Juliet, and was left with a feeling of annoyance. So many people loved it, and it is about so much LOVE, how we can do ANYTHING for each other, and how no one can stand in the way of TRUE LOVE. 

What absolute bs. Like faak.

The only time Romeo and Juliet started to make sense was when I read an article about Shakespeare's perspective while writing it: It was supposed to be a satire. But holy shit we have distorted the meaning so much! All these books and movies on love that glorify the notion of unconditional love. What a load of hooey. Love is anything but unconditional. And thank god for that.

If it weren't, I'd have:

1. Wanted my ex lovers to put up with my bs. And me with theirs.
2. Let myself not leave equations which were clearly detrimental to my sanity. And theirs.
3. Decided not to change myself because hey, love means accept me as I am ffs.
4. Been miserable from 17 to now.

Because, in the short time that I have experienced love, I've realized that it's not easy to love someone all of the time. It takes work to separate self love from relationship love. It is hard to create boundaries that work. Sometimes your way of loving someone may be the last form of loving the object of your affection needs. 
It's ugly, it's messy and at times it fucks with your head in ways where you begin to question is it worth it at all? But then I look at a puppy or the boy I like and I'm like nahhh! Life without love is going to leave me with too much meaninglessness. I'd much rather strive to turn ugly into beautiful, and work on myself so you get the best of me, atleast most of the time. 

Lessons from Mark Manson

"What are the problems that excite me? What are the problems for which I am willing to sacrifice for, to work for?"

This is a quote I picked up from one of the articles written by Mark Manson. Good musings!

Shower Thought

"Am I standing in my own way?"
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Fuck.

On Advice

Often times, I have wondered about the nature of advice, both from the point of view of the one who seeks it and the responsibility of the one who gives it. In seeking advice, you put a person in a position of power, and in giving advice you are in the position to change someone's course.

I remember that time, forever ago, when you called me. You were agitated, lost and in need of a point of view - or maybe just someone who would listen. You were worried about the state of your relationship, and how to move forward. Seemingly there were a lot of obstacles in your path. I distinctly remember noticing the irony of that situation: that you would choose to ask me, the person so in love with you - to help you decide the fate of your relationship. (How abso-fuckin-lutely fantastic! Ask me more wonderful questions like this, why don't you? *eyeroll*) 

I felt that horrid sinking feeling, the one where you feel as if a giant rock is slowly settling down somewhere in your body, making time seem sluggish. Lots of voices erupted in my head. 
Voice 1: "Get out! Now! Wtf, he crazy brah, cut the call. Omg what a douchebag, how can heee? Tell him to die, just do it. Lololol. That would be so funny."
Voice 2: "Fuck, you are so screwed. Haha" 
Voice 3: "Guys stfu, this will soon be over and you can drown yourself in something mundane"
Voice 4: "Damn, sorry about this! But you gots to be honest, he probably wouldn't ask you if he had someone else to go to. Do what's right. Also: Asshole."

I chose to listen to Voice 4 and give you my most objective opinion - if you feel like you can make it work, and it makes you happy, you should go for it. 
V1: "Take her to the altar and fucking marry her right now, Imma just cry here, don't mind me."
V2: "What a completely shitty and bitter pill to swallow. This is like eating one of those green colour lemons, peel and all. Bet even they taste better than this shit. Ugh."
V3: "Gaandu"

Many years have passed since this conversation, but I always wonder if I did the right thing or was I just stupid? In trying to be principled, did I undermine my own feelings in the bargain? I don't know for sure. My best consolation is that atleast I did what I felt was in alignment with my feelings at the time. If I had a do-over, I'd probably say the same thing again.

This is one of those  annoying instances where I had to let myself endure pain for the sake of upholding a principle. Words and suggestions have the power of changing people's minds. I strongly feel that if you somehow find yourself in a position of influence in someone's life, then you should use that power altruistically and for their benefit, not yours. 

V1: "Why do I feel this way?"
V2: "God fucking knows."
V1: "Do I wish it were different?"
V2: "Ofcourse! Yes! Duuuuh!"
V1: "Really? I mean reeeeaaally?"
V2: "Stfu" 
V1: "Lolol. Lemoooons." 

A or B?

If you had your pick of one person that you could choose to keep in your life, who has a direct line of influence over you, what kind of traits would you like for that person to have w.r.t. impacting your life? 

Would you choose 

1. A person who has the ability to understand you completely?

Or

2. A person who sees the best in you?

Let's say Person 1 understands you completely -  this means that they can see you for exactly who you are - your flaws, your shortcomings, things you are capable of doing and things you are incapable of accomplishing. The good, the bad, the ugly - All of it.

Background: Given the relativistic nature of our reality, we have a notion of what's good and expected and traits that are outwardly celebrated in society. Things like honesty, selflessness, helpfulness, sense of empathy and so on and so forth. An abundance or amplification of these traits would bring about more harmonious living and societal progress as a whole. Basically, they promote and prioritise the group as a whole over the individual. And given the basic selfish, me-before-you attitude of individuals, most of these traits are aspirational for people. If not aspirational, then atleast they are harder to exhibit, given that it requires a conscious effort to prioritise others. So I'm going to assume that these traits are in the fighting minority whereas others, negatively viewed traits like selfishness, laziness, deceit, jealousy etc. are the ground state. Now most people do not live at ground state, they move upwards towards higher states, and most probably swing between a few of them - good days and bad.

So: Coming back to Person 1, say he/she is able to glean your ground state, and reflect that back to you. Would it be comfortable to have this person around at all times? The constant light that shines on your true self, would it be too uncomfortable? Or would it be a tool to measure yourself by, and lead to change/acceptance? Given that our tendency is to always view ourselves in the best possible light - would this type of examination - that strips you of all your illusions - be beneficial?

In the context of a partner - how would life be with such a person? 

I imagine life would be heady and the intimacy would be incredible. 

And then we have Person 2: One who sees the best in you?

In the light of this person, we see the best parts of ourselves, while hiding the worst. The most obvious benefit here would be the incredible amount of comfort this person would bring, since they reflect the good bits back to you and in their mirror you see the best version of yourself. Even thought it is incomplete, it might be helpful for harmony and ease, soothing of insecurities, no asking yourself: 'Am I good enough?', trying to live up to their image of you, and thereby minimising the negative traits.

The most obvious downside: False beliefs about oneself, unchecked ego (maybe), and living in a bubble state.

But bubbles do protect you, even if they don't protect others.

So given a choice, what to pick?

I don't have an answer. :/

Curiosity

It's been a few days since I decided to dabble into mind alteration. I'm not sure exactly what I was looking for. In the beginning it seemed like it would help me have a magic moment of clarity, which would go on to define my actions henceforth. Or that a deep dive into myself would reveal facets of me that I'd hidden from myself. All of it sounded so thrilling and meta, like this would be the golden nugget of information. But as I'm trying to define my quest here, I realise that what I was mostly looking for was a shortcut - one that helps me avoid the fogginess of decision making, and instead gives me a direction that can't be challenged hereafter. 

Needless to say, absolutely none of that happened.

What did happen though, was that I was stripped of a few filters in my eyes, which helped me look around and actually see what was around me. Not in a metaphysical sense, but in the most physical sense. The cold winter morning, dew drops at my feet, the smallness of flowers and the tiny instructs buzzing around. All of this had gone unnoticed before.

It's funny, but when you are out *questing* - you, or at least I, - feel the absolute need to tunnel into the deep end. Ensure that no evidence is left up-turned. This time around, the first sensation was to try and slow down, and to just be. If time were a river, then there may be sense in letting it carry you forward, as it offers you a chance to observe without reacting. Is there merit in that? I'm not sure. I just know that I have never done it before. 

I recall getting a bit more comfortable with the sensations and setting out to explore. Some vague lines from 'The Vagabond' made me want to walk near a hedge, and so I did. (Dramatisation is something that comes easy)Solitude seemed like the need of the hour, and from this solitude came a moment which I distinctly remember. It was when I realised that it's only in complete silence and ease, am I ever willing to truly be myself. All of my interactions are so outward bound, that I have hardly ever had the opportunity to invite one that was inward. At that point I was asking everyone not to intrude on my solace, because the minute someone steps in, some shield is put up as a safeguard.

It reminded me of dandelions, and how the smallest gusts of wind make them scatter. You can only ever observe dandelions in stillness. And realising that made me so protective of the one I did end up spotting. :) I wonder how many of us just stay quiet for want of understanding, or the fear of judgement. It must be hard to be honest even with those closest to us. It's like the thing you want most is also what scares you to bits. Much ironies.

As the sun began to set, the haze of conversation, strains of music, and the warmth of the day started to fade away. I felt like how I imagine the protagonist from 'The Secret Garden' might have felt - the first time she exit the door and left the garden behind to come back to reality. A little sad, but mostly comforted and thrilled with the knowledge that the garden exists. And as I tried to connect this experience into some manner of profundity, the only thing I could come up with was - 'Oh the continuum of existence, it has been around long before me and will be around long after me.' Transience is the one constant, and everything is made so much more beautiful because of it. It is the reason why we hold on, and also the reason why we shouldn't. And if that is the case, then it's futile to simply worry about what can go right and what has gone wrong.

All that you can do is progress, and progress requires strife, strife requires a reason, reason comes from desire, and desire is who you are. Cyclic. :) 

Bliss

Things that I know right at this moment:
1. Cold wintry mornings are just the best! 
2. Waking up to the touch of the wind on your face makes you smile almost instantaneously. It feels like the universe is gently willing you to open your eyes.
3. If you hold up your fingers to the sunlight peeking in from the window, they become reddish and transluscent and glowy. It's magic.
4. David Gray is the bee's knees of the singing world. I heart him. He is singing Babylon just for me right now.

I also know that if the sum total of my choices got me here, then I must have done a bunch of things right. :)

David Gray - Babylon

Friska Viljor

Let's do something
Out of the ordinary
I'm gonna meet you out tonight.

Oh man!
I Love lOVe LOVE this band! 

Playing: Friska Viljor - People and So on.

The purpose of purpose

H: Why the face?

S: (glumly) I'm confused.

H: About?

S: (eyes widening in anguish)About what to do. About The Purpose. My purpose.

H: Hmmm

S: It's just that... (confused) I keep searching you know. I've read read read and then read some more. Texts of all sort. Sciency, Spacey, Philosophy, things to do with chi. I am not sure what or why, I feel like I'm waiting for the alignment of all things to occur at some point. I am afraid to stop searching. In fact, I am not even sure of how I would be able to. No one sees my search, it means nothing to anyone else. In fact, most people would just scoff at me. They think I am wasting time, whiling away time. But that's not true.

H: I guess most people just get along with their day. So much searching leaves no time for action, you know.

S: (opens mouth)

H: Uhh huh! Let me speak... Maybe it's time to pick something and just do. Idleness may not lead to results.

S: Where do I start? 

H: Anywhere, pick a point.

S: What if it's wrong?

H: You will find that out eventually.

S: But...

H: But what? It's also a form of a search. So you aren't stopping.

S: I guess you are right.

H: (grins) Yeah, I usually am.

S: (starts to smile) Whatevs. 

Musings

Spending my down time reading incessantly, watching space documentaries, and in general doing things other people may not perceive as productive. So much knowledge out there, so little time. 

Day 12 - Things you want to say to an ex

The answer to this might vary in the future, given the conversations we end up having, but right now these are few things I'd like to say to him now:

1. You kept me confused and second guessing for almost the entire time that I knew you. I think I did the same to you. And I'd like to apologise for that. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I cared too much. I couldn't come to terms with how much would be at stake for me if I were to admit that. So I'm sorry for all the times I acted like you meant nothing to me. You meant the world. :) 

2. Your presence taught me a lot about love, life and myself.  Even though the situations were conflicting at most times, the end result was that I could see plainly all the areas where I lacked and a lot of my baggage got cleared because of it. Thank you. 

3. Some songs kind of lost their meaning for me, ever since I got over you. That kinda sucks. :D I listen to only happy stuff now.

4. I am glad you are with someone you like. I don't mean that in some altruistic sense, nor was getting here very easy for me. It took me a good three years to be able to feel that. But I am genuinely happy for you now, and I hope you are happy too!

5. I hope that once we are far enough away from the drama, there will come a day when we can laugh about all this and marvel at our silliness. Be able to talk about all this freely, you know?  I feel like as time goes by, all the hurt and stupidity will just fade into the background and we would be free to just be. I look forward to that!

Day 11 - Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is

Single life, for me, is quite an unexpected surprise. 

This is the first time in years that I have been truly single. Without any feeling towards anyone whatsoever. And it's actually been good. I hadn't realised earlier on just how much mind space a relationship or even liking someone takes. Somehow, all that used to be primary and every other aspect of life became secondary.

I quite like the place I am in right now. Being single has helped me become a bit better and definitely more well versed in things. I actually have a bunch of interests that keep me engaged. Like learning German, taking up some courses in Buddhism, being able to write etc. I'd have never done any of this if a boy was around! 

It's also given me a good perspective on relationships. Like earlier I was prone to being too involved and completely unable to see the larger picture. But I'm much better now. And I have learnt how to let go. And to walk away from relationships where I don't see an end goal. That used to be very hard earlier. 

Surprisingly, I have become very very selective. I seem to avoid dates and all now.  Like the last date I had, I made excuses around 9.30 and left. Just to come home and watch friends! All because a voice in my head said... Eh waste of time this is! 

Lulz.

So yeah, being single has been pretty good so far. I quite like knowing that the next time I meet someone, it will be without any bullshit, and it will be a good way to start a relationship, not a rebound or escape route. :)