Cults

Reading Rensch's article in the guardian...man. his life is interesting. I never knew how prevalent cults were. Or rather, never really bothered to pay heed to it. I suppose one could argue that they exist everywhere and are frequently to be found. I've just never known anyone to join one. They all just prey on people. Hmmm. I don't have much to say about this except interesting. It's fascinating how people are able to get a birds eye view on life this way. I admire that trait. It's not easy to separate yourself from your past and events in life. Gives a person a sense of maturity and ease when they reach that point of articulation. 

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The kind of mindfuckery he describes is insane. It's a wonder that he ended up being a well adjusted person with a family and a good life. Damn dude. People who have it so rough figure it out and that's nice. I legit admire them, and the resilience it must have taken to get to that point. 

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"Like every young man being raised in the Family, I’d been taught to see women as a means to a man’s spiritual ends. I was holding on to Shauna for dear life; she was the only anchor I had in this storm. But my attitudes mirrored what I’d been taught and what I’d seen other men do my whole life: “If this marriage isn’t working out to serve my needs, if Shauna is going to be an impediment to my spiritual growth, then maybe I’ll have to move on.”

Ahhh yes. Ofcourse. The wonderful idea that women are chattel. Fuck man. Just so shitty how these people always, always see women as inferior objects to be used and discarded. Ugh. Now I'm legit irritated too. I never ever thought I'd say this but with all the crap Indian patriarchy has, the middle class isn't this bad for sure. Like there's a quality of degrading treatment I've only ever witnessed in some parts of the world, but ones I hadn't associated with the west growing up. I have come a full circle in that wanting to escape the kind of patriarchy at home has made me also appreciate some aspects of promoting family values and the role they can play in keeping people safe and sound. God I hate that lol. I just especially dislike the whole culty ideas of women and how they are outright seen as second class breeders that can be exchanged... Fuck that and fuck you assholes yuck. I don't want to read any more of this article. Screw this. 

Lately I've been thinking about stoicism. How you should only focus on things you can control. It seems solid. It's the only way to feel grounded. To completely let go of anything outside of that area of control. But channel energy into things you can build. I want to just lose myself in work maybe. I have this hunch that all the answers and reassurances I seek are beyond that one threshold. I feel like I haven't come into my own and now more than ever I want that. Maybe it's just time to go all in and bet on self and just leave everyone behind. In any case, the only solution I know to self doubt, to feeling blue, to insecurity... Anything at all... Is to just immerse in work and goals and forget the rest. Guess that's what I'm going to be doing from now. Anything to abate this weird sense of mental exhaustion I suppose lol. Idk man. I feel kinda lost and adrift and I don't like it. I want to have things to look forward to again. To wake up all happy and looking forward to the day etc. Heh. I hope this is just a small phase. 

Travelling feels good at times. 

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I like raves's wife hehe. It's funny how boys will fuck around as much as they want but when it comes down to it, the good ones always choose sweet and nice women to marry. It's so nice and wholesome. I'm very happy for him.♥️ I'm glad he didn't choose that batshit crazy ex of his lol. Married early too like the good Christian boy that he is haha. Awesomeeeee!!

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I think for the good folks atleast... When you meet the right one, you just know it. When you know you know. I think sometimes you know it right off the bat too. Like this person is special and meant for me. And at times it makes you want to better yourself for them and that's really lovely too. Awwwie. I feel nice and cozy inside rn. Hehe.

Dammit now I want that 2100 ugh. Was so close too.

Burnt my hand lmao. Who tf knew eggs explode in the microwave jeez. Ugh what a big burn wtf

I wish Tennis had a third and a fourth in line so round off sincaraz. Already tired of them just dominating always lmao. 

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Wow Drake placing bets on sinner lmao cursed him instantly

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Let's go FAA! Deep run babyyyy

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Man... I just...I really crave the assurance of trust. Just to be able to relax in the knowledge and comfort of it. 

I suppose some people just turn the idea of it into you being the sitting duck... Like hey they let their guard down now we can exploit. One of the bigger mistakes I've made all along is assuming people will change. I have to accept they don't. 

Anyway, finding that stable ground is one of the biggest desires of my life. All this hyper vigilance etc will melt away the minute I feel like there's firm ground to walk on. I guess somewhere down the line taking as many hits as I did has made me stubborn about this point but I suppose that's fine. It's not like I'm losing out on anything by feeling this way. I'd rather just be cautious and not callous with myself. Rest will align itself as it must. Heh. I want something nice to call my own and I don't want to dilute the nice part. I hope someday I can look back and appreciate the fact that I actively sought that. 

Ugh I do noooot feel like going all the way to K zomg. That too for that shit movie 😭😭

Wild rumors swirling lol. It's crazy how easily they get started and make their way around. 

Cold always gets me sniiiifffff ugh. I hate being sick ughhhh

Alcaraz is like a puppy. Just such a happy soul. I hope his innocence lasts. It's easy to be positive for people who are also naturally gifted and breeze to the top. I suppose having a good countenance when you struggle is a lot more commendable. Anyway, I'm just meandering here lol. Seeing meddy dejected asf by contrast was quite jarring. 

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Hmmm. 

Ok I have nuzzing to zay today. Nuzzing. Nuzzing. 

Finally USO time. I root for noone, I live my life on the edge muhahahah. 

PLEASE LET IT BE GOOD I WANT SOME COOL FINAL NOT SINCARAZ AGAIN PLS O GODS OF WELL STRUNG RACQUETS MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

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Zomg carlitos with that hairdo ok he should lift the trophy with that look. Low key love that he doesn't give a fuck about hair good kid. Let's goooooo

People genuinely fascinate me. Doing this podcast digging and I actually find myself noticing traits and mannerisms. I think it's so hard to fake authenticity. Maybe that's why I love books too. There's something very touching about a well told tale. 

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Regular people have so many more interesting things about them than the world gives them credit for. It's like we live in this bubble of distraction where we are told to see or like certain things. But if you remove that filter, you can get a whole lot of wholesomeness easily. 

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I like this dude and his wife together so chill and happy. He is definitely a smart person but he doesn't have some weird need to make others feel dumb. I like that. Too many insecure folks out there. This is refreshing. 22 years of marriage and still so happy damn. It's amazing. This lady reminds me of P. Very similar to look at as well as vibe.  Sweet. 

Ramblings

Period time just wipes me out but at the same time I feel as if I have to push myself to workout. I feel my legs have gotten stronger esp now that I'm trying more flexibility stuff. Stretching just helps with stiffness so much. Haha idk why I never paid attention to it as much till now. Signs of getting older that it needs to be part of routine now. Somedays it just feels like zomg no more but then I always feel good once I'm done. Silly inertia. 

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Finding weird yt channels, it's interesting that I like all older OG ones. Hadn't ever known these people even existed. Internet is so funny that way. You never know when you find something strange or cool. And this dude on his podcast going I'm a 47 year old man. Damn man. And then he talks about peeing himself in bed. Man. It takes courage to share something like that huh. Interesting. Their main channel is also so old world. Mythical morning it seems haha... With sets like those old nickelodeon shows. This is so old world and antithetical to yt today. Wow and his kid is 22. That's crazy. I guess not so crazy 40 yos typically do have teens atleast. Hmmm...guess the only one I knew was so immature that it was hard to imagine him doing or even being capable of anything responsible. Heh. It's funny that a stranger knows me so well though. For ten odd years I didn't know what to write about and then one day I just followed my instinct and bared my soul. It was so unplanned and visceral for me. I never really revisited a lot of the stuff I wrote either. I just knew I wanted to be honest. Only to one day realise oops some people know it and have access to it. That was quite a sucker punch. I wonder how I would have felt if I hadn't known about his prying. Atleast from my side I called it out. I wonder if he ever figured out that was me being nice to him too. Like hey I know you are there and you should know I know it just in case. Lol. It's weird. I don't think you know someone until you actually know them anyway so like fuck it. Not sauntering down this lane. 

I used to think of saying hi earlier, but then I realised it's not as if they couldn't have said it themselves or done a million things differently. It's funny how in my mind that just became a full stop like hey no more effort from my side and no more catering to indirect stuff. It wasn't me being manipulated earlier either, it was me being considerate and nice, and I would only do that again if it's returned in full measure. It was a litmus test I was sure he would fail but I guess it was important to me to be responsible to myself. 

A piece of it definitely is holding space for only those who treat you well. For whom it comes naturally and it's their primary instinct. Like it is for me. I love to make people I care about feel safe and happy. I don't want to live in fear of abuse or ill treatment in return. And if someone can't be nice once on their own then there's something severely wrong there. I guess that's for them to figure out, it's not something I want to tackle. It's not as if niceness is some debt I want to collect either. I suppose I just see it more or less as I chose to be nice to someone and they weren't to me and that's that. I guess it's a good way to filter out NPD too. Those people can never value someone and they'd rather die than accept or show someone they care because I guess they feel small and insignificant if they do. I definitely do not want that or anything that mimics npd in my vicinity. Realising that in the last few years I've lost an aunt, a grandmother, a friend got cancer and a person I cared about didn't so much as ask me how I'm doing in that timeframe is not just unbalanced, it's really messed up. Means I simply should not have cared about this person from the start, since they never extended me any care or anything decent really. I would never leave someone I love or care about feel unsafe or hurting. Never. And I sure as shit wouldn't hurt someone and then leave them hurting and act like I'm sleeping to avoid them. Then add them to dumb fuck status messages of all things like how fucked is that. Lol. So why should I not have the same decency in my life too? Even wording this feels like wow such low standards what I want is the absence of abusive behaviour lol. Very, very, terrible on my part. 

Bottom line is I want good intentions and good actions in my life. I hate manipulations anyway like just... Anyway... Simply not something I can respect. Irritates me even now when I think of it lol. Hehe. Maybe some part of me just wants to yell at him for being an asshole. It's more likely that I start laughing and forgive because well, Imz my own enemy lol. The balancing act between two desires - hold ground because you gotta do right by self vs ugh I don't want to take things too seriously ergo forgive and forget. Which is why I shall not listen to that part that makes me want to forgive without any evidence as to why I should lmao. 🚫 Nein nein nein! Lol. 

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Everyone has a podcast these days. How very boring. One of my gripe with yt now is it's all some weird food shows or very overly produced content. Ugh. So saturating. And those dumb thumbnails with weird faces on them. I suppose it's more clickbaity but still. 

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Hmm. I like this fellow Rhett. Seems sweet. Something about the vibe of older dudes they are just so chilled out and seem responsible. I like that stuff. Low key and non pretentious and most importantly nice. No meanness, no putting people down, no cheap or shitty behaviour. Hehe. I can't believe I'm listening to him talk about peeing himself though lmao. Wtf. Hahahaha. Damn man. Crazy are the things you find. 

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I'm genuinely a fan of authenticity. Lack of pretense says to me how much people are at ease with themselves and I gravitate to that. Feels safe. People impact us with their behaviour more than we admit. 

I read a question today which asked how do you know someone is mean... That was interesting. I feel like my friend is dating a very mean person and she doesn't seem to see it. Maybe sometimes it feels familiar to people and they fall for the times that person is being nice. The other day at her place... She was talking and he just ignored it and pretended like he couldn't hear her... I could tell she was hurt. And the tone of voice with which she asked... How does he not hear me... Like so confused. That moment gave me the ick. Your personality should never be so meek that you never see these signs for what they are. Complete meanness. I wish she would leave him, I really do. Hmmm. Nvm. Can't solve this for someone. 

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Want to continue revisiting O Henry and Saki. I like that they stood the test of time for me. Their stories are exactly as lovely as I remember them being back in the day too. 

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Wow I like how this Rhett person talks of his wife. I think upbringing just matters a lot. People who are insecure and damaged can never speak fondly of their partners. They always say something mean or something that highlights themselves, but fondness... That's something only people who are caring get right. I guess that is a good tell. Look for folks who can speak of someone fondly hehe. I bet I can too. I think I absolutely adore the people I adore and will simply dote on them lots ahha. I do love doting on folks lol. Makes me feel so good and warm and cosy inside lol. Hehe. I consider myself fairly authentic too, atleast I know I keep trying to be that way. Hopefully it translates well to people around me. I can't sustain unauthentic equations either from my side. It just drops away at some point cuz I juuuust can't live a lie. I guess I trust that to help me navigate life well. 

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Ok cycling done finally ugh today was a struggle. And now for stretching oh boy. So tired and still gotta do it.....!!! Save me world. 😵

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Ooo lichess has bullet titled arena today nice. I'll watch latah woohoo. I hope that ediz kid plays he is so good! Hope he wins. Naro doesn't seem to do as well these days. Let's see what happens today. 

Sometimes I yearn for a good debate... It's been a looooong time since I just heard someone talk passionately about something. Ugh. Maaaan. Small joys of life. Too bad the best I can find rn are some oxford debate vids haha. Oh well. Tide me overrrr

Sunny day finally after so damn long. Man I love blue skies so cheery. Oof. Sometimes wish I had a dog too. But I'll have to pick up poop everyday so no thanks. Sometimes I wish I could dog sit. That might be nice.