~ Trust is not an argument to be won or lost, it's just a leap of faith ~
I heard this today and it stuck, made me think.
~
Guess that's pretty much what trust means to me. The comfort of knowing that you are in safe hands. Whatever turn life takes, for better or for worse.
It's also hard to regain it once it's lost. When you can't trust someone to do right by you, then there's no real point in anything. Their presence just makes you afraid of them.
~
Holy crap I'm so drunk, hehe. Oof.
~
Ugh
Something about whiskey diatribes. Just wanna say something profound, but then again just wanna stay mum and take my clothes off. The dichotomy of being. And the base pleasure of the LC denominator.
~ shall I?
So surreal to meet a girl like that other one.
I can see him cheat.
They don't make songs like this anymore. They just don't. I feel like a lost soul sometimes. Maybe cuz I feel misunderstood. Maybe cuz it's kinda dramatic and self affirming. Maybe cuz I barely know any fucking person who even gets any of this anymore. How deliciously vacant. Heh.
I don't know.
I know that this song complements a lot of stuff one can feel.
Fandango. :)
~
Speaking of. Years ago I'd loved californication purely for the writing. Moody was a cunt, but he said the prettiest things. I felt sorry for him, I never related to him, but I kinda got him. A man deluded. I understand men like him. Can't love them, but I get them somewhat. Don't respect them though.
"She said one thing and I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation."
This held me then, it holds me now. A good conversation is the key to my heart. I know it because I end up knowing you. It's amazing when knowing you is set to some really nice song that then serves to tell me we know each other. Conversations is what I fall for, always.
60's rock, amirite? :)
~
A lot of people marry out of loneliness. Some marry for security and I've never understood those souls, I see them as afraid at times. I don't judge, I just know I can't do that. And I wish I could, sometimes. Will life break me down to a point that I might? Idk. Currently, here I am, someone who simply can't live a lie. I have no clue what that means for me. But I can't live with someone who wouldn't get me. Heh. The simplest thing you want, and it's the toughest thing to find. Beautiful.
Oops.
O
I could have beat the 2100... Fuck..just didn't see the stupid obvious tactic. Hmmm. I'm not particularly finding it difficult either. Actually quite ok with the level I'm encountering nowhere have I felt outplayed atmost just knew I was making an error. Interesting. Hmmm. Its more enjoyable when someone finds good defence too tbh. Well, this was good. I'm happy with today. Good sunday.
~
Interesting. 1997. It wasn't significantly tough, just a matter of paying attention. When I play mindlessly I slip but otherwise it's actually not all that hard rn. I suppose 2100 would not be too bad a target. Nice. Just gotta be in the mood though, otherwise it's annoying to bring it back up.
~
Nepo played this damn. I remember the same motif this guy had also used. Interesting. I wonder who played this first.
Dammit nepo is fantastico at tactics..ugh. hate him but wowza
Turning to doom scrolling on social media and I see that yoo kid again did something and got suspended.
So fucking fitting. The one cute kid I thought I saw and he had to end up being such a horrendous person. Tainted one of the few good memories I had also. V good.
~
Read the entire complaint omg. What the actual fuck dude is psychotic. So so so creepy.
Heh. Never thought I'd pick a gambit to play but now I actually like and play wing gambit thanks to him.
~
Whooooo knew chess can have this impact on me damn man. Just the fucking beauty of this kinda play floors me. FLOORS.
Still remember that KID lecture that sparked my interest tbh. I didn't care about chess till then. Damn. 2 years ago huh. Heh. Like falling in love for the first time. I've literally never had a person make that impact on me but a game did lol. Crazy.
Hope this tension resolves soon and doesn't escalate further. I hope everyone calls for peace. My building is on target list wtf man. Security beefed up like crazy rn. Hope V is ok too. He must be deployed by now. Fuck, I'm scared.
This year is fucking nuts.
~
Made me realise something else too lol. Never fails to disappoint haha.
Heh...oh the bygone days of posh preppie boys running about in their men's world pretending the world is their oyster. Haha. The world order was so different in that era. I don't give a fuck about it tbh. The sheer misogyny of it boils my blood. The desperation to pretend like women are just objects who need to titter and exist while wearing frocks yearning after their man. Heh. The term 'girls' is also a relic of that era isn't it? ' There's girls here. ' someone once said, just hahaha. Made me laugh. A man out of time, he was. I knew he was old school then. I didn't hate it on him as much as I did all others. And I hate a lot about him.
And yet, in the era of tech we have the same wannabe social orders with people replacing supposed pedigree and elitism for algorithms and pretending to be on top of the world. The snobbery of the 'simple'. I don't adorn myself, I'm above it all. I only solve problems. Am I not cool? But shhh. Don't say it out loud. That makes it less cool.
The sheer cuckery of ego, ego, ego. The elitism of wealth never had any hold over me, I'm an intellectual snob. And my snobbery enables me to hold a wealth of disdain for materialistic snobbery haha. Tell me I'm cool, why don't you?
I hold a lot of respect for institutions. Not so much for those who define their lives by being in one. That, is so fucking loserish to me. I don't know why. It's just the sheer lack of personality that stands out, maybe.
I guess my era was more defined by old school classic rock and dingy speedy pubs where you could be an everyday person, but there was elitism and pretense in that too. 'im not like you' in itself has just ego, ego, ego. Noone really dares to be a normie. Hehe. The perpetual fear of the insecure. What if I discovered that I'm just average? What if I admitted it? See now thaaaat is the stuff of nightmares for everyone.
And so we live on, in half realised fantasies and yearning. Always trying to be someone, something. I matter. Tell me I matter. Please?
Pedigree is who you are, who you choose to be, how you refine that quest. Nothing more, nothing less. Self awareness matters, so does not referring to women as 'girls'. Heh. One of your lesser crimes I guess. Hehe. Touche. Isn't Al Pacino great?
~
Dammit. Por Una Cabeza is from this film. Dammit dammit dammit. Ugh. ♥️ Ey yaiiii. Tu do do doooo. Oy veyyyy. There goes all my edginess, back to melting. Hehe.
~
It's like I'm not even able to see pinned pieces wtaf screw this stupid game what a joke. Beat a 2100 in rapid then lost to a 1700 bigger fucking joke wtf is wrong with me. I want that 2200 rapid fuck this I'm sure I can get it.
~
Meanwhile watching You while cycling and zomg what a dumb show. Lmao. Peak trash tv good god this is how Dan's life from GG would end up hahaha. Pathetic that I am watching this and actually enjoying it too.
~
The ending is such a psychological cluster fuck. I'm glad I'm a practical person. None of this wishy washy nonsense works on me or for me. The entire psychological nightmare they are peddling. Nah. Flights of fantasy like these belong in book, in life... It's solid action that counts. It's not pretty, and often it feels like a lot of work but I believe in good work. And I believe in being a solid person. None of this crap, honestly. So all is good. Hehe. But damn this show is so utterly stupid omgg haha.cane even tell they are trying but fuck so 💀😭. Penn Badgley just whyyy
~
BBC for the win.
~
Oh lord 3 mins in and it struck me. Neimann tries to talk like him. Holy moly it's exactly the same. This is just nuts. Even living in hotels thing omgggg. Duuude. Ok legit crazy to imitate someone like this.
Tf. 😭🙀🥲
