How good is watterson, truly. ♥️

Hehe... My love for art is purely about how much you can express with it. Wish I had some idea for a webcomic sometimes would have loved to create one. 

I genuinely do not know why I can spot errors in lichess games I spectate but not have bad attention when I'm playing mine. It's so excruciating to watch even 2500s play on lichess when they just make sooooo many stupid mistakes god every wrong move just hurts. And yet I'm not actually 2500 lmfao. Fuck. But daaaamn I hate it. I REALLY DO. I've said it before and I say it again. It is unreal how annoying chess can be and unreal how frustrating it must be for actual good players to watch this stuff lmfao

Man, discovering a new love for short stories tbh. Finding new authors and I'm so happy about that. Soooo much richness in knowledge out there isn't it? Amazing. Truly.

Akutagawa Ryunouske

Reading Kappa and idk man I'm so stuck on all these old timey authors always. All the so called current fiction I've read pales so hard when I read these old dudes. Heh. Well, I tried.

Hmmm. I feel like sometimes it's very weird that someone I've been friends with for so long doesn't seem to understand me at all. 

~

I don't know what to do about that lol. I think part of the fault lies in me, and my reluctance to call a situation out directly and head on. Then the resentment just builds. I think I should be a bit more open and honest about stuff that bothers me. And also do it in a way that's not abrasive. Lord, these are the skills they should mandatorily teach you lol.

~

I am actually craving some good company maybe. And some wholesomeness actually. I really am. Someone that shares my wavelength. I actually really, really miss that. 😶 Plus idk. Maybe it's harder to keep friends as you age? Idk. 

Just getting a bit weird this zone... Hmmm. 

~

Anyway, in the interim I'm going to take this as a sign to shift my focus and put it solely on things that need doing. I don't think excessive mindspace on people is something I can afford this year so it's best to let it go and stay busy with stuff. I don't really know what else to do tbh. Heh. Never thought I'd hear myself saying that. Screw it. I'm giving up I just can't do it anymore. I'm gonna just hit a break point if I don't. I just feel very beat up. Race to rock bottom is now complete. ✅

WASTED AN ENTIRE DAY DOING THE EXACT SAME THING ZOMG

 I have GOT TO STOP PLAYING RAPID LIKE BULLET I FINISH HALF THE STUPID GAME IN 35 S WTF IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE.

~

Feel like throwing my phone fuck me. Just so fuckign pissed off rn ughhhh

3 days of period exhaustion is lifting and I feel like I have a new lease on life lol. Never felt this way before interesting change. How to drag myself out of bed now? The thought of working out feels unreal. I'm going back to sleep fuck it.

~

Lol. Reading this and now I wanna laugh. Man. I become a baby atleast once a month haha. Well, it's okay little coddling for me should be there. I've changed so much from that ' I don't need anyone' approach I used to have to a gentler version that really values when I am cared for and now I don't think I can ever do without it. Hehe. I actually really want to experience that comfort tbh. The right way. Esp now that I'm so sure it's possible, I just don't see any value in lowballing myself. Fucking finally huh. 🥳

~

 Scrolling news has really become depressing tbh. Seems Danya is quitting commentary for health reasons. Crazy. That lunatic must have really caused him a lot of mental anguish. It's nuts how filled with bullies this world is, and how relentless they can be. I genuinely feel bad for the guy, I've always thought well of him overall and that crazy campaign just seemed exceptionally narcissistic. So hate fueled. My dislike for most of the chess world is actually quite deep now lol. I suppose I finally do understand what that dude meant when he told me they all have small dick syndrome. Well a lot of them anyway. It's crazy how normalised abusive asf behaviour is in this sport, noone seems to have any emotional regulation or even any maturity lmao. Or oversight either. Zero accountability. All v vulture like. Kinda feels bad tbh. One of the more toxic professions out there, for sure. Still, I prefer reading about developments here than other news the rest these days is toooo negative. Where did all the benign shit about movie releases and Good stuff like that go? 

~

Ugh and I have to make time for that narc story also today damn. God, I have no energy and so much work to finish. 💀

~

Oh wow and I see this guy dropped by this month. Hmmm. I do not understand you my darling. You'll do every little thing except just be nice to me directly no? Here's a confession since I noticed it recently. Everytime I was mad, you seemed agitated. And yet never did anything and lead me to think you didn't care. Why? Not like I'd have bitten your head off if you'd just been nice. Such a weird choice to make, honestly. You didn't once stop to think hey I'm violating her privacy maybe I shouldn't? Or was it just a 'oh good look what I'm getting away with? ' Or was it just fun to keep doing that, all while sleeping around with women who eventually showed up crying? All cheater moves. Every last one. The glass slipper that only fit cinderella, eh? :) Anyway. I shall never trust a cheater so that's that. Not even angry now, I don't think I care. Here's a little secret about people. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong or you feel like you are right always. What matters in any equation is how you make the other person feel. That's why the adage: "win the argument, lose the person." You should remember that next time you treat someone badly. Anyway. Blah.

...Hellos I guess. For the next time you peek and read this. Hehe. I'm tired complaining about you so I shall not mention you after this. You please stop sneaking around and behave better lol. This is v childish. So is playing 10+0, tigers aren't supposed to drop hints to make people do stuff. This whole " oh look at me, so cool as cucumber just doing my thing and you came to me and I didn't etc" schtick is very lame, and the reason why I think you have NPD cuz noone normal needs to be this phobic of directness. Feel free to read about it in actual articles too. I won't respond to any manipulation anymore, if you want me around figure out how to be humble, direct and decent. Made me laugh though, just the silliness of it is like.💀😶 So for whenever next you sneak by howdy! 🙋‍♀️

On a serious note: May god bless your soul dude, and may you someday heal a little bit, and learn to be a somewhat decent human being. Until then, cheerio, laddie! 

Uncle undergoing angioplasty. Fuck dude. So scared when I heard that... I'm soooo scared of this stuff fuck. Man. I promise myself one fucking thing. Fron this moment on every asshole I love and care about will get my 100% care for the rest of my fucking life. I will not put up with bullshit nor will I ever leave the sides of people I care about. My family and my future family will never be lacking in any support and care. Amen. 

~

Fuck dude fam is filled with lunatics only didn't even tell until operation was underway like whaaaaat is that god such fucking children only in my family I just feel like shouting at everyone all the time lmao. Crazy peeps. Ugh. 

News these days is so geared to give you emotional highs and lows it's crazy. The cute stuff is too cute and ott, the horrid stuff is too horrid. I miss the days when I simply avoided the news lmao

Periods 3 days early also 💀🥺

I feel BLUEEEEEEEE. UGH. 

It sucks that I actually felt tired all day today. Body is just saying cuddle in bed. :( :( 

I want some chocolate 🍫 🍫 🍫 🍫 🍫 🍫 

And to cry also 

😩💀🥺😭😵

The Secret Miracle - Borges story

 

It's fascinating to me that chess gets mentioned so much in the stories I'm reading these days. I forgot the name of the phenomenon wherein maybe cuz something is familiar it becomes noticable but man. Fascinating. 

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Finished it. This man is a complete genius. Hard as this 4 page story is, containing some elements of the holocaust as well, the idea that he can write such a painfully visceral text in such a short way is unreal to me. Also, I feel sick why tf did the world hate the Jews so much man it's so fucked upppppp. This story also reminds me of jallianwala bagh. I hate racism. I completely and utterly hate it. 

Woohoo wins

I have zero idea what an international correspondence chess master is, but... I beat him in a correspondence game wooohooo 🎉🥳🎈 

Keeping his cert for posterity haha

Actually so fun to play against someone that is a good player tbh. Makes me also want to think. I get all loosey goosey against opponents that are the same as me. Tf is a 2400 correspondence rating even lol. Need to find outttt

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One of the minute downsides of chess - reading a discussion on the opening of a short story and the word opening makes me think e4 🙄💀

Saw a clip of hiki feeling down after losing. Felt bad for the guy. Then also saw his wife being there and felt low key nice at how she was to him. Life can take you up many ups and downs but having someone genuine when you hit a low is also important. Wheel of time, eh?

I think I'm just gonna really focus on myself this year. I feel this sense of complete and utter people fatigue and defeat and I juuuuust don't want to spend a single minute on anyone anymore. Fuck it. Let me just do what I want from now. For once imma be selfish about my time and myself. Heh. Finally reached my break point I guess. Lol. Fuck it, it's for the greater good. I will move past this, and I will build what I want to. 

Niki Tesla had a pigeon wife ahahahahahga..omggg. That man. I want to use this as a username lmfao.

Woo

Duuuude. This just came up on my timeline again damn. 

Woo

Heh... I had loved it so much when I first heard it. Just as I do now. Dammit. Should have thanked thibault for introducing this song tbh lol. Love it just as much as I did when I first heard it. ♥️ You can always trust coders to find the little known music. One of life's patterns that holds true. 

~

I don't know what this one reminds me of, but it does something. Idk what, for once I also don't care what. Just a tiiiiny hint of crimson in it too.

Whichever way you are going

~

In stillness, in silence. When I'm alone, happy and just feel at ease. It's sounds like these that just capture me. 

As I've said before,

Love,

Me. 

~

Rowling is an ass, but she captured this one thing really well. Love really drives all the dementors away. It really is the antidote to darkness. 

~

I remember the first time I swooned my heart out for Pachelbel. And now it's the next song lol. Never, never had I heard it, and it took my heart away. Such a little cherished memory, such a shame I must lock you away. Brought me to my knees, that you did. And I am not the one to bend the knee hehe. Damn. What a pretty fucking song. All the gentleness in my heart, and all my care, all my love. All of it comes alive when I hear this, just as it did the first day I heard it too. Heh. Noone knows this about me. How gentle I can be. I hide that the most, I guess I don't trust just anyone to see. Well. Wash away the grime of the world, why don't you? ♥️