Mirror

From Sept 23, 2007

Aimed at noone in particular, just a figment of my imagination of the person I one day feel comfortable with. Enveloped within this piece are insights into my wants, desires, and fears. And my love for stubbles and beards that tickle against my skin, making me keenly aware of you as a man. Feeling close has always been very sensorial for me. I guess I'm very earthy that way. 

I remember this blog was titled Mirror, and served as a blank slate for my teenage self to express herself. Hehe. I expect to find childishness within my archives, but I'm actually surprised by how simply I could state exactly what I felt. Even now, I remember writing this at the time, trying to conjure up my vision of safety. I guess I've strived to make that vision clear almost half my life. That vision is always centred around music, it's a part of my soul that can never be separate. Hehe. I like that. The one constant companion that will always love me, show me grace, and make me happy I can experience the joy of partaking in its beauty. Well, I was poetic but why not? And so we dance. 

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, 

Who is the fairest amongst us all?"

"Me", I says to the mirror, for you see mirrors can't talk at all.

"Stumble I might, and at times I may fall. 

But I do my utmost to be fair, towards one and all"

Ps- In retrospect, I'm glad this wasn't aimed at anyone in particular, for it leaves the door open to the magic of possibility. Hehe. 

I know now that fears are simply momentary. And that they should not be given undue importance, but simply experienced as an insight into what your heart desires. A lot of mine might have been a bit too exaggerated in my literary quest to adorn them with just the right flavour, and that works well for fiction writing but it doesn't resonate with real life. 

I guess mine simply tell me I wish to keep people safe and happy. That's the bottom line. And I wish to be enveloped in the arms of someone who gets me well and wants me there with him. It's just that simple and sweet. And the beauty of having the next song play, knowing you are enjoying a pleasant moment but the moment isn't make or break or anything heightened, it's just one among a host of others in daily life. Some days we piss each other off, others we are tired, some just get spent doing chores and daily stuff and talking to friends and then we get a small break just with each other. The routine of it all gives it longevity and maybe that's why I have an affinity for solid structures haha. 

When foundations run deep, the house you build stands firm and tall. So may our foundations always run deep. Amen to that. ♥️

Are you?

Well, I have two days to be hahahah. Love it. Don't even know when or why this began but adorbs. 

Moors texting me some shit haha. What was it we used to say about him? 

"He is like an onion. You gotta peel all the layers to find the big fat turd within."

Wow that Ediz kid playing for 6-7 hours now crazy. Love watching him. I'm so happy that the two finds I had in him and Sadler are both total beasts. V cool. Atleast noone can accuse him of cheating kid plays ultra bullet with the same skill lol. Reading about nepo using engine against neimann to see if neimann was cheating lmfao. What crazy fucks. "It's not cheating when I do it" - Nepo. 

Thought I'd atleast say something and saw him trying to serenade some lady on the stream. Lol. With the same lines too. " Oh I'll ban you too". Guess when women are interchangeable the same lines work on them all. Heh. 

Same as I found him I guess. Well, whatever. Nvm.

~

Ok fuck I know I'm the one overreacting in this moment too. I should just let it be. Was about to straight up block him and just disappear. It would be very shitty of me if I do that. Haha well atleast I'm not sending some cheap shot his way. Whatever. If I go around trying to suck juicy cocks we will see how much he likes it. Maybe I should do it. Just meet up with lots of dudes. Should ask him for dating tips like he loves to give. What do guys like in bed these days? Oh please do enlighten me. I'd love to have them bang me however they please. I'll sing them songs also why not. They whole world is doing it why shouldn't I? 🙄🙄🙄. Ok yuck. 

Fucking asshole, hate him to the core. That ballerina chick was also posting Boston so must be outside his house only. And around his bday too lmao. Well, good photography skills for him. Lol. I guess bday wishes were in order that day anyway. Haha. And what did he tell me? "There's only so much I can do. I didn't even have time for family. Woe is me. 😢". I should seriously just block him and never speak again. Oh sorry what do I mean speak, I was never allowed to speak anyway. Nein, others will overhear. 🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️ 

But blah. Accepting all this nonsense is tooootally on me. Noone else. I'm also being a dick rn but honestly like if roles were reversed I'd like to see how he would have found it. Yeah well I don't treat people like shit so I guess we won't know. And I know him enough to know he will have some bizzaro reasons for this AND that he is just afraid of some nonsense. For suuuure it'll be some shit like ohhh my work my work what if something spoils it waaaahhhh. All this shady acting but then also wanting to be seen in good light. 🙄 Doesn't show an ounce of maturity so assumes others also won't have it. Figures. Ugh. Now I'm mad again. Lmao. Fuck him. Even though I'm deffo the one being a dick rn. He didn't even do anything this time around I just got mad at that stupid profile. Okay fine this one is kinda on me. 

~

Lol. Shed a solitary tear also yesterday let me keep it for posterity. Vanity is fair and this is kinda hilarious in how dramatic it is also. A disgrace, no less. I have outdone myself. 

Hahaha. Bruh. P - this is legit funny and extreeeeeemely shameful and you should be ashamed but fuck it. Tried to look even more woebegone than I felt because why tf not. Oh well, once in a while I have feels also. Must not pretend otherwise. Decade from now I shall see this and laugh. 

Pin of shame. 💀😬♥️

~~

Hmmm. It's not that I don't trust him though. I kinda do. I know he can be juvenile, I also know he can be a maaaasssive dick and he likes to show off and be seen and all of that. But I also know he has his own set of values and fears. And I know we are close. Pretty sure he trusts me, he wouldn't have told me about family dynamics etc if he didn't. Guess the bottom line is that I find it frustrating to be held at some arms length when I sense all this and I just feel like wtf are you even afraid of going wrong anymore, we know each other well enough now. Cuz I haaaaaaate feeling unimportant that's one of my deal breakers and everytime I feel that way, I feel like fuck it I should bail and gtfo and then it becomes a weird push pull cycle. Hmmm. I learn my lesson with AK. Sometimes you feel like you have all the time in the world but you never really know how much of it you have and it feels like a waste of life if you are only waiting for someone to do right by you. Idk. Oh well. In the end I'll only stick around someone who does, I'm not going to hold space for those who don't. That's all there is to it. Aaaa. Fuck it man. He wants to lose me then so be it, if he thinks someone else isn't going to stride along and be nice then he is also mistaken. I have a lot of patience but I'm not won over and I simply won't be until I'm comfortable and valued that's all there is to it. I don't have a need to admire someone I have a desire to simply feel like I'm valued. All this cuz he couldn't say hi lol. Well, that's his mistake idc. And I will never ask again he can rectify it or not idc I'll just leave if I feel like it. 

Heh. I have to admit though. All my life I never wanted to make an effort for anyone else, cuz I always had something holding me back. Plus stuff always came easy. And as luck would have it, the one time I do actually want to and make an effort it's for someone as difficult as him. Plus mostly I'm outraged at the principle of it all. What's the fucking harm in knowing each other properly even god. So stupid this is.  Lmfao. Oh well. Paying back for all my sins huh. Haha. Nice. Well, gotta learn to make an effort sometime in life. I have to applaud the delicious way this has come about. Universe holding up a benign finger. Well, I shall flip you off too, universe-o. 

Lovingly, ofc. 🎩

Funny how deal breakers evolve over life to include new ones and sometimes outgrow old ones. My one rigid deal breaker always was cheating and that remains. But I find myself realising that even in day to day life, I need to feel like I'm of importance to the person and have that surety as a given. To feel at ease. I've never had to outline this before. But I guess when you are around selfish folks you realise how important it is to feel cared for in small ways. Heh. Such a little thing and it's so easy. Anyway blah. I've outgrown dysfunctional dynamics now and I don't really care for them or people who propagate them tbh. Either meet me at an even level or fuck it. I'm not willing to make an effort for someone who doesn't make one for me any more. 

All they do is simply pretend to be nice just enough so you stick around, but it's my own fault for choosing to delude myself here too. When bored, simply ignore me for other women then when nothing else to do show up again right? Lol. 

J really did a number on me. Kept telling me he needs me, used me as a crutch for his dad's cancer then thought nothing of shattering me for other women. Since then, I just decided to keep to myself and for the most part I did. And now, seeing someone else do this kinda shitty thing to me just feels so wrong. I am fully at fault for not walking away sooner too. But in the end it's always bothered me how belittling it's been for me. Following so many random women who keep popping up on my profile but never thinking to value me at all. Telling me personal life is personal like I'm some enemy then prying into mine almost daily for close to two years. Maybe it's to seek validation maybe it's cuz it's flattering to think look look I have this girl on a hook while simultaneously sleeping with a bunch of others. Never wishing on birthdays, never bothering with death of family members never bothering with literally anything from top to bottom nothing left unturned. From the smallest to the biggest thing and then calling me a ' friend '. Lmao. 

I can't seem to stop crying rn because not only has this person hurt me so much but I suppose acknowledging all this outright means I also need to put an end to it and that means distancing for good. And that's never easy when you do give a shit about someone. But I suppose that's a weakness of character I have. I find it hard to prioritise myself even when I should. 

Oh fuck dude. Well it's okay. Cry today, cry tomo if you must but then do what is necessary and look out for yourself. It not okay to care about someone who didn't so much as bother talking to you. It was always underlined to you directly... "you aren't important, not worth speaking to, not worth asking about and I'm being clear about that." Someone you gave your number to when they were in distress, just so they'd know you trust them. And instead they are "uncomfortable " with the idea of saying hi and having you wish them on bday among other things. Because idk you are brown? Lol. Who knows? Could be anything. Does it matter? Nah. Matters that they thought it's okay to treat you like that repeatedly. Telling me they were poor, homeless and all that. Something I never judged them for, all I felt in those moments was concern. Then suddenly saying no grandad had money. It's always just random lies. Ones that actually never made a difference to me, cuz I don't care either way. But in turn to be seen as someone that they are uncomfortable knowing is such an insult. So maybe remind yourself of that everytime of this and just write him off as well. If someone can be so belittling then staying in that equation simply means you are belittling yourself. True. I guess I was. And I want to be treated with consideration and respect. That won't happen if I myself cater to people who don't. So I suppose it's best to accept that it won't happen here and make room for those who might. Well, I guess this is goodbye. And if you do read this someday then ok. All I wanted was to be treated with respect and niceness, same as I tried to bring to your life. The person whose life you pried into and tried so hard to keep around for god knows what reason, but simply couldn't be bothered to actually treat well. Guess it was not to be. But I do believe I deserve to be treated well. Even if you think otherwise. 🤷‍♀️

Well, atleast saving you the trouble of saying goodbye. Plus now you don't have to hide my voice from other women or get them to hide from me on insta. Lol. Nice, right? :)  God speed. 

Eff it. Worked out incessantly and now I feel good. Muhahaha. It's the one cure for all the blues. Booyeah

Sadler is SO CUTE. Explaining how his dessert was. So adorable. Haha. Like a total grandpa.  Sometimes I wish I had a grandad like him. I love the idea of having an old, clever person to look up to and who could have interesting things to share and hobbies that they could explain to you. Hehe. I guess it was not to be. 

 Kasparov Ivanchuk '94

The one move I think of and it's the move Kasparov makes here and it's the losing move. ♥️ Absolutely goated I love it. 

Loving Ivanchuk though what a playa. So much to discover in chess woohoo.

Talking to bro and man 3 hours just flew by Such fun. ♥️ I miss intelligent conversations so fucking much.

Knight Bishop checkmate

WHY ARE YOU SO FASCINATING? 

~

Finally learnt it. That was fun. Whew. Geometry ♥️

Summer rolls! Finally learnt how to make them! 

One must simply come through for ourselves. ♥️

I think he just blocked me on lichess and then unblocked me after a bit. Bruh. 💀💀 Wondered why username wasn't showing up and then it did hours later. Then wondered why tf would someone do that and realised ohhhh. Because I didn't say outright positive stuff and instead commented on ball direction so he would interpret it as me saying other person doing well and not him? 💀 Lmao I hope it was just a glitch and not something this petty. Except it's weird asf cuz all other accounts showing up.💀 

~ 

It's a testament to how many vengeful and petty things people have subjected me to over the years that I've even started noticing all this.

~

Whatever. I gots periods and if this is actually true then it's very disturbingly vicious. It's really bizarre if someone is so vindictive tbh. Lol flashbacks to A and her blocking me over Ed Sheeran lyrics.

~ 

A little TLC during periods would have been nice but here we are. I gives up. Resigns. 🙅‍♀️

~

Who knew stupid ass apricot seeds are poisonous? Why are they even sold without a warning label? How tf do they sell potentially lethal goods as "dry fruits"?  Ugh. Pretty sure that's why my periods are early and I'm irritated asf for no reason. And fuck periods also zomg. Ugh. Aaaaaaaa. * Screeching into the void*

I hate PMS

I feel lately M has gotten a lot more snappy and kinda rude and I can't help but wonder if it's the after effects of dating C. It's really hard for me to be around him, given his propensity to mansplain every tiny little thing in the universe to her and to me whenever I'm around them. So it's super hard to understand what she sees in him or how she deals. But it feels as if she kinda has started to randomly take it out on me and I don't like it. Not sure how to put that point across but it's just getting on my nerves. Plus the constant negativity and propensity to taunt is also very irritating and it's getting harder for me to not snap back. That line about other M today really irritated me tbh. Maybe I should just stay away for a bit. 

Lol. Well, this does probably stem from C, atleast a lot of it. "Rain doesn't fall sideways." 🙄 To be honest, I hate the way he speaks to her. It's always talking down to her and acting like he knows everything and she is some child that needs his guidance as opposed to a grown woman whose opinion he values. It's so disrespectful dude. Ugh. 

And so sad that she feels like this is okay.  Sometimes I'm just sad that people get so stuck in their lives. They tell others not to make this mistake but then go ahead and do it themselves. That entire day I could see she was tolerating what he said and ignoring a bunch of things about him. It's funny that she never took it as a red flag that all his friends are very docile. It's simply a sign that people with an opinion and personality don't want to be around him. Lol. Maybe I'm also kinda fed up with this dynamic. Probably best to take a break and reconfigure. Hopefully just a passing stressful period. 

Sheesh I'm just so fucking pissed about this and with her to be honest. I do not want to be some punching bag for someone who can't even clearly see her own issues with him and will instead look to project it on me. Gah. 

~

I truly don't know how to rationalize all this currently. I don't want to damage my friendship. I guess that's the bottom line. Funny that the person who keeps saying let goo let gooo doesn't actually realise how many times I do let go without telling her cuz I don't want to be hurtful. 🙄 Ironies of life. 17 years of knowing someone, through their breaks ups and divorce and what not and I have never once ranted out this much. Enter one irritating guy and here we are lol.

~~

MOFO MY PERIODS ARE ARRIVING NO WONDER IM SO FUCKING ANNOYED 😠 

~~

Everytime I am irrationally irritated it's because of this. Fuck. And now my stomach is cramping and I can't work out. Having this much pms after a loooong time damn. 

Reading about the Japanese politician saying forcefully remove uterus at 30 to incentivize women to give birth is making me sick to my stomach. I feel afraid of just being a woman now. The fact that even to get headlines people can just say these things is so utterly fucked up. 

I feel scared being a woman in this world. Fuck.

Good Will Hunting

Watching Goodwill Hunting haha. Dammit I love this movie so fucking much. My lifelong love affair with Matt Damon and annoying asf men hahahha.

" He pushes people away before they get a chance to leave him."

" Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there " 

~

Funny. When I saw it first, I was a child. I hated the fields medal dude and I got completely what Sean meant when he said it was my choice to not pursue this you mathematical dick. Haha. I think that's the loneliness that comes out of the choice of picking the ordinary route. People who expect you to be extraordinary never fucking get it. And therein lies their insecurity. I do disagree with Sean a little bit now though. I guess maybe he simply didn't love math as much, even though he was great at it. So tis okay. No regrets there. But he was a great psychologist. The only one able to tackle genius. And therein lay his true calling. Heh. 

~

"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either." 

Heh... But that is precisely why it's beautiful. There is zero beauty in perfection. It's the imperfections that make the moments of alignment soooo much more meaningful. 

And dammit now he is crying and I feel weepy tooooo. Aaaaa. Dammit that stupid scene just gets to me every fucking time. 💀

Nvm vision blurry now too many tears. 😭

~~

This movie made me realise how my idea of someone who loves me was in some way about him being happy and grateful to have found me and built a life with me. Atleast that's how I envisioned it now but never did I think it was about saving someone like Will, even though it seems a tad bit like that. I don't want someone to ever be indebted to me in any way or have had to go through bad times or anything. I just want them to be happy they found me, that's all. And that our life together while being silly, irreverent and fun, has a deeper, rooted connection where we are both grateful and happy to be with each other. Heh. Nothing fancy, just a bond that is enduring and wholesome. We should be able to talk affectionately and positively about each other both when noone is looking or when everyone is looking. I'd like that.