Discovery

You know what I kinda miss? That lovely sense of closeness I used to feel when someone would call me all the time, couldn't wait to talk to me, spending nights just talking to each other till the AM and getting to know each other through and through. Even when you knew you'll be sleep deprived asf the next day. It was so easy back then, everything seemed brand new and it took like a week's worth of just being in constant touch until you know every tiny secret about each other, all those inside jokes. There were no barriers, no distrust, just a lot of hope and laughter and ease. You know like how you become best friends straight up after just a few days cuz you know you met someone special and couldn't wait to share all about yourself with them, and have them tell you every little thing about themselves. There was such joy in that discovery, and it was so hard to hold back cuz like waking life was inf better than just sleeping. And that inevitable cocoon that would form that housed all the closeness and the sweet gestures and leg pulling and you just knewwwww right at the start that the bond will be special. 

Every meaningful person that ever entered my life, happened to enter suddenly and abruptly and boom! Few weeks later we were close as can be. It was wonderful. One of the things that makes me truly happy is knowing that everyone that I met up until now, who I have cared about - instantly and almost instinctively trusted me. To a point where I grew up thinking that was a norm and only much later discovered that people are actually distrustful by nature. I remember V telling me that she had only two friends growing up and after I met her, we became friends cuz I simply bulldozed her barriers down like I didn't see them. That was true, I just felt they were silly and decided she was a great person who I wanted in my life so just stuck around till she was feeding me nice food and all ahhahaha. Oh man, that was legit amazing ♥️

I miss that feeling. And I wonder if someone will want to get to know me with that much happiness and passion again. After eons I've even thought about it and I don't want to taint it by telling myself that adulthood is about people having barriers and lines and all that. Fuck that. Idgaf. Barriers are meant to be temporary not like a fucking jail that keeps you caged in and everyone nice shut out. That's just pointless. 

Someday, everything would be like a fresh sunny day after the rains abate. People need to have more faith in themselves and not just be insecure about every tiny thing all the time. It's no way to live life. Why crawl when flying is an option? Atleast float and cruise around. That's a good middle ground.  

LOSING TO 1600S ALSO NOW WTF IS WRONGGGG 

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ffs it's like I've legit forgotten how to play mofoooo

Just realised how much people fucking whine on and on and on sometimes. I'm the one pmsing and yet everyone else is crying. Ffs. 

But I kinda get that boy too. I mean, I honestly don't have words for how messed up it is that he puts himself through so much pain. Is he really that terrified of being alone? Poor thing man. I genuinely hope luck favours him and he find a solution out of the blue. He needs that. I'm glad M has also started being nicer and kinder to him. He always was but now it's a lot softer and I like that. He is also growing as a person and it's nice to see. A lot more balanced too now, as well as just calmer. Especially these last few months. I kinda get that boys' attachment too, unhealthy as it is. Even I find it tough to detach from people I care about and I did spend a number of years in toxic friendships in the hopes the other person changes. And some can maybe but a lot of the times you have to simply put an end to it. And I'm v possessive too so I get wanting to try hard to make someone change I've done that as well. But once I finally shed that urge, it was the most liberating thing ever. It finally put me on the path to actually being good and solid and happy and it took forever to even get there. Even the beginning of 2023 I was quite messy but I'm glad that's behind me. That's why I keep wanting to help him cuz in some sense I do understand deeply that feeling of not being loved and cherished by someone and then wanting to earn that love. I'm glad I stopped doing that atleast and I hope he does too. And the loving ones will simply make your life more wholesome. I think I do that for others too now, atleast I hope I do and I hope they do feel that steadiness in me.  What that fish dude said is right, people you are with are a reflection of you. For once, I'll be glad to be with someone that's a reflection of me. I think it honestly would be wonderful lol. I've always had this inkling that the right people help you grow, change and become better versions of yourself and I think in that regard atleast I'll be a great partner to someone and someone like me would be a great one for me also. Not exactly me, but someone complimentary to me. That's a nice thought. :) and one thing I'm damn sure of, and it got cemented for me today when I saw that question too... I will not be anyone's option. Like no. Just reading it made me recoil a bit and while I didn't expect any clarity to come about, I knew right then that I will not settle for being an extra to anyone ever. It definitely triggers my insecurities though, but I've come far enough to know that not only do I want something that's just mine, I also know that I deserve to have someone who makes me their priority and treats me with that level of care. As I would the same. And I think I do deserve clarity and openness too. I won't ask for it though, the one time I did the response was nothing short of brutal to hear, so I'm not doing that again ever. This stuff people should be able to figure out on their own. Anyway, I hope this is the year where everything falls into place for me. 

~

I wanna do something fun and chill. 

Lol, need to remember how to play chess again I'm on a massive losing streak. Sheesh. I've become SLOOOOWWW. 

~

Aaaa

Losing losing losing. Fuck it. I'm so done.

~

PMSyyyyy

Randomly moody and angry ish today. Bet it's the pms. Interesting how once I know what it is, gets a bit easier to put it in perspective. But it's so difficult to stop my mind from wandering into hating on things. 

I'm genuinely very very irritable today, just getting angry at things. I even start to imagine things to trigger myself into being angry, just noticed that. Just picking old memories from the rage bank and converting them into hate. Some ten people I must have scolded in my head already. Ugh, and I have to go buy some groceries and clothes too and now I just don't want to drive. FML, why all this on a Saturday?  ಠ⁠﹏⁠ಠ

I want to cry :(

Slept so warm I feel like I'm in a cosy cave holy fuck this is what I've been missing. Dammit I used to wake up shivering now I know why. Sweaters and socks FTW. 

Ok more snoozingggg

Wishful thinking

Days leading up to periods are truly the worst. Now I have to wait for a random bout of crying incoherently for no reason and they'll arrive the next day. FML.

You know what I would love to have rn? Those warm cosy onesie type pyjamas that seem like a soft blanket for your body and just take a hot shower, put on some nice lotion, slip into the onesie, wear a mask, block out all light and just sleeeeeeeep. 

Aaaand I'm now too slow for 3+0 ಠ⁠︵⁠ಠ

Fitzgerald's life is one of hedonism and toxicity man. Dayum. I think these toxic relationships can be enticing cuz they engage all your senses fully. Sex seems hedonistic and most people just get seduced by that thrill of being on top of the mountain. Then they die by 44 like F Scott did.  💀

This is why life should be tempered by monkhood and mastering yourself not just losing your mind in pleasure seeking. I hate the nature of addictions cuz they control you. WHY DO YOU WISH TO SUBMIT? 

The irony of the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad having 1.2 billion in debt. Ffs how do these guys even get that much money loaned to them. There's deffo some scam behind the scenes that noone talks about. No way this can happen otherwise 

Butler v Gatsby

Reading about Fitzgerald and now Gatsby is making more sense. Fundamentally I can't get behind Gatsby but I guess I can appreciate the sentiment. Falling for these smoke and mirrors types of Daisy Buchanan type women is just sooooo repulsive to me. They'll just look and act like delicate flowers and be total cunts but society will see them as oh so nice. 

I'd pick Rhett Butler over Gatsby any sweet day. Both had similar swashbuckling traits but Rhett was such a man. And the one who discovered his worth and decided to deliver that iconic line. Well, come to think of it, I didn't like Scarlett O Hara either but she was strappy and capable which I can respect. But Daisy Buchanan aaaaa. Just triggers me the wrong way lol. Like her parallel in Gone with the wind might even be Melanie except Melanie was such a strong woman and the way they showed Rhett instantly recognising that and always being a gentleman only for her was amazing. 

Hehe, I love you, Rhetts of the world. You all are wildlings - driven, passionate, can be absolutely maddening, but will always come through when needed. Now that's a man's man right there. 

How can someones back look hot like howwww. Fuck. Just wanna pretend to give him a massage and take an ice cube and trace it's outline slowly. Startle him a bit while he is all sweaty ugh 🥵

Mind is going to dirty places ffs

How is he masculine in juuuust the exact amount howwww. 

My unholy thoughts will make a priest blush, were I to confess them right at this minute. 

Ughhh. 

Decor I liked

 

Was watching some random youtuber house tour vid and gah my eyes watered at how uggos those stark mansions look yuck. Nothing I hate more than pointless ostentatiousness like it screams lack of class to me. Esp if there's an echo in a house, then it's just needlessly big.

I'm a die hard Dieter Rams school of design philosophy convert and I cannot bring myself to appreciate things that serve no purpose it's so inefficient. 

Had to purge that memory by finding decor ideas on Pinterest lol.  I really love the cosy Japanese style aesthetic and these warm tones for bedrooms. Simple clean lines, elegant and comfortable. Probably not the frilly pillow in the last bedroom but the colour tones are so soothing, no needless clutter. I like rustic reds and beige and grey tones together. Even like the addition of the blue stripes on the headboard that's a nice touch. And comfy leather armchairs, fake leather ofc. 

Something about cozy spaces is really lovely to me. 

Nadal 2024

https://youtu.be/mdIMXEZRdY8?si=E8mgmRTrFv4TYcML

Ooh la laaaa!! That shot at 1.36

RAFA ILL CRY OMGGGGG SO GOOD I LOVE YOUUUUU

I legitimately became happy seeing this wow. Tennis actually means a lot to me as a sport. Who knew a random childhood hobby could turn into a lifelong passion of sorts. Dayum. Fedal has been a part of my teens and adulthood, that's amazing. I really love it. And I always stick to the things I love. 💕

Intelligence

I wonder who the smartest person I know would be. Interesting. Never thought about it before.

Mofo periods seem to be around the corner. Everything hurts again. 😭

I knew a lot about NPD but now reading a bit more about BPD and wondering if some of the folks I've known have displayed these symptoms. Lmao this is one fucking deep dive I should noooot have started but now that I have I find it so damn fascinating. Istg psychology is so unbelievably interesting to me. 

It says BPD is more common in women atleast diagnostically, and I've wondered if Di and L have some form of these. I've spent a lot of time around few women with extreme emotional tendencies and, sometimes I do wonder about this. With Di, I sense the amount of rage and hate she carries inside is very intense. And L has a huge pattern of seeking validation from guys, cheating on them, using them for her own needs and in general she enjoys having a guy on her hook even when she is dating someone. Not to mention the lying and the complete lack of accountability and the incessant image manipulation she keeps doing. Like L is definitely someone I'm very wary of cuz she thinks nothing of manipulation and cheating and will backstab literally everyone just to get her ends met. Least trustworthy person I've ever come across. Di doesn't have that tendency but hers are more extreme self centeredness and I don't think she is unreliable or anything but definitely has such a selfish outlook that it always struck me as odd. Something of an anomaly there too. But overall she is inf better than L and I don't think she is unempathetic. I think that's my litmus test for people now. 

Yeah I think more or less it's just L who is not only a red flag but an extreme case. She is the only one I find scary cuz she is able to hide her motives really well. The rest of the people just seem like they were dealing with bad parenting growing up and are now atleast more or less regulated well. I hope I never ever cross paths with L again. That psycho is just bad news. 

When I first started wondering about all these things, I was determined to find out what was it in me that made me not see these red flags in people. I struggled with that so much. Now I'm a lot better at it but man, growing up it was really tough for me to actually understand wtf was wrong. I'm truly glad people like meg were around cuz she has a very direct understanding of people and she doesn't give undue credit to anyone so it used to always make me see a point I hadn't considered. But I guess it's just cuz she wants the best for me and usually her bar for people is more a no bs, actual tangible effort kind and unless she sees that she doesn't give anyone credit no matter who they are. Hmmm. But it's okay she is only watching out for me so she is bound to be protective. And it's good she is in my corner, in the end I'll always consider and trust her judgement cuz it comes from a place of care towards me. And I know she will always tell me the hard truths and sometimes you just need that in life. Haha, M will have to pass her standards check if ever we become close cuz she won't mince words if she thinks he is half assing anything. You would need her blessings M, I think only post her buy in will I ever fully trust anyone else in life anyway. Although I do trust him lots already, and I feel quite comfy and safe with him. And I get the feeling that he feels safe with me to tbh. That's nice. I'm glad. Hehe, despite all her warnings to just quit on him, I'm actually quite glad I didn't. And I hope that I made the right call and decided to take that leap of faith with him. I think as time goes by we both will feel okay to be open with each other too. The one thing I've realised over the last year is that time is sometimes needed for any equation cuz people have their own fears and barriers to trust, doesn't mean they are bad, just scared of getting hurt or scared of past hurts. If you have lived that way, then having a genuine connect does require time and patience. I guess meg chooses people differently but I hope my approach isn't bad either. Anyway, this is all I know tbh..to be there for someone and be in their corner, rest is up to them to decide if they value that trait or not. Times when I panic, like NYE when I suddenly felt bad is cuz my approach leaves most things to chance whereas Meg's since it's definitive she doesn't have to second guess if the other person cares about her or not. Hmmm. Yeah, I think that surety is imp and I'll also need it in due time. I need to know tangibly that I matter to people, and eventually I'm going to have to factor that in.

On a lighter note, funny how all you guys have your name starting with M. You, her, my mom and my coffee mug that was mom's at one point. This letter is an integral part of my life. 

I didn't know this ^. Damn, that gives even the scream a whole new dimension. 

Broooo if he is dealing with BPD then that's just fucked upppp. I don't think he will have a single clue how to go about it let alone have the mental strength to put up with it. Oh fuck. Scary and how. Why don't people just run away from such folks? Man, this explains so much about her and I'm pretty certain her husband is a scumbag too. I still don't see why M doesn't see how abusive that guy must be. It takes a special type of abuser to simply exploit someone with a disorder it's like hitting someone who is in a wheelchair or something. And that dude is constantly belittling everyone cuz I'm assuming it gives him a sense of relevance. But I guess guys have a tendency to want to protect other guys so they don't see the pov of the girl sometimes. And vice versa. Cuz what hit me first was how that girl was being exploited by both these dudes. At the end, both of them want her compliant to fulfil their sexual needs and her emotions are simply a barrier if it means the compliance isn't there, right? See that's the woman's perspective in these situations but guys never understand it fully I think. And a lot will consider the woman manipulative too. Or project her as crazy. You never know in these situations. But meh, he probably knows a lot more about this situation in particular than I do anyway. 

Damn I just feel bad I know how fucked it is to be around such folks. And he even likes them. I don't understand that how can he like them? Even when I dated A, I understood quick that something was v off and then just took me time to break it off. But how does he liiiike them? Ugh. Someone help that soul. 

Sometimes I just wish I could be like Claire Pritchett and just shout at these people whose lives I want to straighten up and be like you fuckers better listen to me for your own damn good. Gah. Inside me there's a controlling parent that will find it v hard to sit by if someone is being a moron. 

Fuck dude. On top of this, all my life I've also wondered if my own mum has some form of a mild disorder or was it just being stuck in a shit marriage that made her act in that extreme selfish ways I've seen her behave. Like it was v unsettling to realise not once did she show an interest in anything I've had to say. I remember my first job and it was new and I had messed something up. Reached home terrified cuz I thought they'll fire me or something. That's how naive and serious I was about working. And I recall thinking maybe I should share it with her cuz I was so distressed. And she simply cut me off when I said two words and started telling me about her job and how people treated her badly for hours. Over the years this has become a defining memory for me cuz internally I was shaking and on the outer side my own mom wasn't even remotely bothered about what I had to say. Post that too, the very few times I say something in a conversation and she simply doesn't listen and I can tell she is just waiting for me to stop talking so she can continue on.  Idk if any of this is just her needing attention or it's a legit issue. It's so hard to tell esp with the kinda social structures we have had... Mothers tending to be jealous of their daughters of competing with them is such an age old thing. Idk. Now she seems mellow and I've also kinda given up so things are smooth but I'm not sure all those years that were spent just simply being invalidated really did a number on me. I'm glad most of it is out of the way, but something M said made me think too. About it being first relationship setting up wrong expectations and ideas. I think that's true. Your first relationship also teaches you a lot about yourself. I don't think I allowed myself to be in love with my first bf, even though we dated so long. There was always a part of me that simply wouldn't open up to anyone cuz they never won my trust. And luckily, in all these weird ways of growing up, the one thing I've realised is that my trust is only won through genuine care and that's a vvv good failsafe. It's why I trust only meg and maybe my brother fully and without any reservations. With everyone else I definitely have barriers, which will only lift if I sense genuineness. I'm so glad it's this way, means I have done atleast something right to be able to have unconscious defences. And luckily my headstrongness is always tempered by my practicality too, so I've never been a risk taker or atleast not a hot headed risktaker. Like my brother who likes fast cars and bikes etc. All those thrills are not for me. I need firm seatbelts and driving at reasonable speeds lol. I guess my only form of headstrongness now is an affinity to want to know many different types of people. When I get into the zone, I can't help but want to know them, understand them etc and I guess that is pretty benign as a trait cuz it's not harmful to either me or them, just makes for a good engaging conversation.