I knew a lot about NPD but now reading a bit more about BPD and wondering if some of the folks I've known have displayed these symptoms. Lmao this is one fucking deep dive I should noooot have started but now that I have I find it so damn fascinating. Istg psychology is so unbelievably interesting to me. 

It says BPD is more common in women atleast diagnostically, and I've wondered if Di and L have some form of these. I've spent a lot of time around few women with extreme emotional tendencies and, sometimes I do wonder about this. With Di, I sense the amount of rage and hate she carries inside is very intense. And L has a huge pattern of seeking validation from guys, cheating on them, using them for her own needs and in general she enjoys having a guy on her hook even when she is dating someone. Not to mention the lying and the complete lack of accountability and the incessant image manipulation she keeps doing. Like L is definitely someone I'm very wary of cuz she thinks nothing of manipulation and cheating and will backstab literally everyone just to get her ends met. Least trustworthy person I've ever come across. Di doesn't have that tendency but hers are more extreme self centeredness and I don't think she is unreliable or anything but definitely has such a selfish outlook that it always struck me as odd. Something of an anomaly there too. But overall she is inf better than L and I don't think she is unempathetic. I think that's my litmus test for people now. 

Yeah I think more or less it's just L who is not only a red flag but an extreme case. She is the only one I find scary cuz she is able to hide her motives really well. The rest of the people just seem like they were dealing with bad parenting growing up and are now atleast more or less regulated well. I hope I never ever cross paths with L again. That psycho is just bad news. 

When I first started wondering about all these things, I was determined to find out what was it in me that made me not see these red flags in people. I struggled with that so much. Now I'm a lot better at it but man, growing up it was really tough for me to actually understand wtf was wrong. I'm truly glad people like meg were around cuz she has a very direct understanding of people and she doesn't give undue credit to anyone so it used to always make me see a point I hadn't considered. But I guess it's just cuz she wants the best for me and usually her bar for people is more a no bs, actual tangible effort kind and unless she sees that she doesn't give anyone credit no matter who they are. Hmmm. But it's okay she is only watching out for me so she is bound to be protective. And it's good she is in my corner, in the end I'll always consider and trust her judgement cuz it comes from a place of care towards me. And I know she will always tell me the hard truths and sometimes you just need that in life. Haha, M will have to pass her standards check if ever we become close cuz she won't mince words if she thinks he is half assing anything. You would need her blessings M, I think only post her buy in will I ever fully trust anyone else in life anyway. Although I do trust him lots already, and I feel quite comfy and safe with him. And I get the feeling that he feels safe with me to tbh. That's nice. I'm glad. Hehe, despite all her warnings to just quit on him, I'm actually quite glad I didn't. And I hope that I made the right call and decided to take that leap of faith with him. I think as time goes by we both will feel okay to be open with each other too. The one thing I've realised over the last year is that time is sometimes needed for any equation cuz people have their own fears and barriers to trust, doesn't mean they are bad, just scared of getting hurt or scared of past hurts. If you have lived that way, then having a genuine connect does require time and patience. I guess meg chooses people differently but I hope my approach isn't bad either. Anyway, this is all I know tbh..to be there for someone and be in their corner, rest is up to them to decide if they value that trait or not. Times when I panic, like NYE when I suddenly felt bad is cuz my approach leaves most things to chance whereas Meg's since it's definitive she doesn't have to second guess if the other person cares about her or not. Hmmm. Yeah, I think that surety is imp and I'll also need it in due time. I need to know tangibly that I matter to people, and eventually I'm going to have to factor that in.

On a lighter note, funny how all you guys have your name starting with M. You, her, my mom and my coffee mug that was mom's at one point. This letter is an integral part of my life. 

I didn't know this ^. Damn, that gives even the scream a whole new dimension. 

Broooo if he is dealing with BPD then that's just fucked upppp. I don't think he will have a single clue how to go about it let alone have the mental strength to put up with it. Oh fuck. Scary and how. Why don't people just run away from such folks? Man, this explains so much about her and I'm pretty certain her husband is a scumbag too. I still don't see why M doesn't see how abusive that guy must be. It takes a special type of abuser to simply exploit someone with a disorder it's like hitting someone who is in a wheelchair or something. And that dude is constantly belittling everyone cuz I'm assuming it gives him a sense of relevance. But I guess guys have a tendency to want to protect other guys so they don't see the pov of the girl sometimes. And vice versa. Cuz what hit me first was how that girl was being exploited by both these dudes. At the end, both of them want her compliant to fulfil their sexual needs and her emotions are simply a barrier if it means the compliance isn't there, right? See that's the woman's perspective in these situations but guys never understand it fully I think. And a lot will consider the woman manipulative too. Or project her as crazy. You never know in these situations. But meh, he probably knows a lot more about this situation in particular than I do anyway. 

Damn I just feel bad I know how fucked it is to be around such folks. And he even likes them. I don't understand that how can he like them? Even when I dated A, I understood quick that something was v off and then just took me time to break it off. But how does he liiiike them? Ugh. Someone help that soul. 

Sometimes I just wish I could be like Claire Pritchett and just shout at these people whose lives I want to straighten up and be like you fuckers better listen to me for your own damn good. Gah. Inside me there's a controlling parent that will find it v hard to sit by if someone is being a moron. 

Fuck dude. On top of this, all my life I've also wondered if my own mum has some form of a mild disorder or was it just being stuck in a shit marriage that made her act in that extreme selfish ways I've seen her behave. Like it was v unsettling to realise not once did she show an interest in anything I've had to say. I remember my first job and it was new and I had messed something up. Reached home terrified cuz I thought they'll fire me or something. That's how naive and serious I was about working. And I recall thinking maybe I should share it with her cuz I was so distressed. And she simply cut me off when I said two words and started telling me about her job and how people treated her badly for hours. Over the years this has become a defining memory for me cuz internally I was shaking and on the outer side my own mom wasn't even remotely bothered about what I had to say. Post that too, the very few times I say something in a conversation and she simply doesn't listen and I can tell she is just waiting for me to stop talking so she can continue on.  Idk if any of this is just her needing attention or it's a legit issue. It's so hard to tell esp with the kinda social structures we have had... Mothers tending to be jealous of their daughters of competing with them is such an age old thing. Idk. Now she seems mellow and I've also kinda given up so things are smooth but I'm not sure all those years that were spent just simply being invalidated really did a number on me. I'm glad most of it is out of the way, but something M said made me think too. About it being first relationship setting up wrong expectations and ideas. I think that's true. Your first relationship also teaches you a lot about yourself. I don't think I allowed myself to be in love with my first bf, even though we dated so long. There was always a part of me that simply wouldn't open up to anyone cuz they never won my trust. And luckily, in all these weird ways of growing up, the one thing I've realised is that my trust is only won through genuine care and that's a vvv good failsafe. It's why I trust only meg and maybe my brother fully and without any reservations. With everyone else I definitely have barriers, which will only lift if I sense genuineness. I'm so glad it's this way, means I have done atleast something right to be able to have unconscious defences. And luckily my headstrongness is always tempered by my practicality too, so I've never been a risk taker or atleast not a hot headed risktaker. Like my brother who likes fast cars and bikes etc. All those thrills are not for me. I need firm seatbelts and driving at reasonable speeds lol. I guess my only form of headstrongness now is an affinity to want to know many different types of people. When I get into the zone, I can't help but want to know them, understand them etc and I guess that is pretty benign as a trait cuz it's not harmful to either me or them, just makes for a good engaging conversation. 

Baby, baby, you're my sun and moon

Girl, you're everything between

A lot of pretty faces could waste my time

But you're my dream girl

~

I don't think anyone thinks this anymore. It's just pretty sentiment in a song. Most times all they do is follow the next pretty girl on insta, if you are lucky she will show you her boobies. Makes it worth following her, no?

~

"Way to the home is promised to be so long, there are only debris underfoot "

Weary, but real. 

Keys

That music just brings so much stillness to me I don't even know why. Something so small but means so much to me. Idk what it is about the piano but everything is so still when it comes on. And yet I feel like it's a drop in the ocean and insignificant to anyone but me. 

Keys on the piano same as the keys to my heart I fear sometimes. Yet another secret I gotta hide. 

The most vulnerable thought I've had came up with complete clarity in my mind today. And it makes me feel so naked that I can't even bring myself to articulate it and type it rn. Dayum. I need a hug. :( and then I need to put it out of my mind and go about business as usual. 

I don't even want to share it with meg cuz I know what her response would be and I don't want to hear it. Fuck. Lol. Okay nvm. Not gonna go there. 

Heh, this one thing I just leave up to the universe since it can't be something I control, but all I can do is strive to always make the right choice that sits well within my ethical framework, it's all I can do anyway. Just gotta make sure I show grace and kindness in as many circumstances as I can. 

Babies

Interesting numbers on the birth trends across the world. China projected to fall to 500 mill that's an insane drop. Having an ageing population is always going to be a massive drain on resources but knowing that country it'll be very scary what they'll try to do as damage control. Fucked up to even think of. Why is it always women who face the brunt of all this? Forced abortions was bad enough but forced pregnancies would be a nightmare of a situation. Anyway let me not think of it. 

Wish people in India had a similar mindset though. Of not having babies. Most educated folks tend not to now, or atleast have just the one. Lol, except I wanted 3 at a point just so I can create my own version of a happy family the way I always imagined one to be. Hehe. No women in my life ever understood that. I guess they equate kids with burdens which is fair if you don't want them. I've reached a point where I'm okay with either possibility now I guess. I'll be fine either way cuz I realise kids aren't necessary to be happy with someone too so both choices are fine as long as you love and care about each other. But anyway, still the stats are slow as of now. I want to read more about this kinda interesting. 

Ugh... Finding it very hard to shake this feeling of unease off idk why I'm feeling it but still just feels strange asf like I'm about to get some bad news or something has gone wrong or idk ugh. 

Man. Should just sleep it off I guess. 

Rock Solid

Found this and it made me feel nice. Of all the things 

LOVE YOURSELF

Idk what it is about the new year beginning but I have this sense of gloom that has just crept in for some reason I do not understand. Maybe I'm just nervous or something idk but feels extremely strange cuz I have no clue what the source of it is. Hope it passes soon. 

Ugh. The problem with an overactive mind is that sometimes it just truly wants to fuck with its own self. I'm great 95% of the time but that 5% when I feel scared or worried, I'll just straight up imagine the worst outcomes and idk it's like what Rowling said about dementors in HP, it's a good analogy for fear and depression cuz it legit just sucks out all warmth from life when you feel that way. For me, it feels more like my internal landscape is just cold and arid except that I'm seeking warmth. Anyway, blah. Idk why I'm acting this way today, probably just bored so fucking with myself. I need to drive myself away from seeking outcomes in life instead turn towards learning and liking the journey. A lot better as an approach and then I don't think of 10001 ways how if I want something I'm doomed to be denied it in some 100 diff ways. I think that's another roadblock I face mentally, just self sabotage out of fear of winning/attaining goals. Whatever imma defeat this shitty mindset too, it's not going to be a burden I carry perpetually. Suck it. 

Zoinks

Was scrolling some reddit randomly and came across an askreddit about kinks that people couldn't get into. Man, some of them are unreal. A girl wanted a dude to fuck her with a baseball bat like what the actual fuck. Here, I hated it the one time someone used a ribbed condom cuz it hurt me. Ffs. I never understood how some women get into these very extreme sort of violent kinks. Even wanting to be hit. And some of it isn't playful it's like yeah hurt me for reals. Dayum. 

What are the things I can't get into? One is deffo being dominant. I haaate submissive men like I don't think I'd ever get turned on if a dude wanted me to bang him with a strap on or something. The very idea gives me the icks. It's interesting to me that I can only want to fuck someone that I respect in some sense cuz in my mind to do this to a guy has to mean you think of him in a very belittling way. Or maybe I'm just v old school in that way idk. But I do like my men masculine and the take charge type in bed. Hmmm what else? Well no baseball bats either lmao, or punching me or something... Reading that was sorta disturbing like guys are fucking strong first of all. And the ones willing to punch you during sex would definitely be the crazy types who will hit you other times too. No scat and all that either. God I still remember that one reddit thread that was just legend. Omg I wish I could find it. Hahahhaha deffo one of the funniest things I'd read. Poor guy. 

Oh fuck it, now I'm spiralling in old reddit threads and it's way more enjoyable than musing this. Peace out!!! 

Rafa 2024

 Omgomgomg RAFA PLSSSSSS!! AAAAAAAAAA

I can't handle it I can't omggggg

Jay Rayner

What an enjoyable read this was. Jay Rayner, can be a bit of a twat from time to time, but is always unceasingly funny. 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/09/le-cinq-paris-restaurant-review-jay-rayner

"Other things are the stuff of therapy. The canapé we are instructed to eat first is a transparent ball on a spoon. It looks like a Barbie-sized silicone breast implant, and is a “spherification”, a gel globe using a technique perfected by Ferran Adrià at El Bulli about 20 years ago. This one pops in our mouth to release stale air with a tinge of ginger. My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says."

The worst part of this evocative statement is how I know exaaaactly what she is talking about. Oooh lar lar. 

Damn wrecked my sleep schedule and now legit finding it a bit hard to get back in the groove. Crazy huh. 

Fooks

Bc only 2nd day of the year and already I'm like zomg enough already hahahah. People who enjoy waking up in the mornings are total psychopaths 

Green Tea

Feels like holy nectar zomg.

Oo AO finals are on my bday this year. Crazy! Omg I remember the last years' lol. Spoke to you for the first time and then we watched one of the matches for a full 4-5 hours. Awwwie. Glad I know you ♥️

Musings

Watching a movie called Three of Us. Seeing a Hindi movie after so long. It's so sweet. All their equations are shown so beautifully. I love good cinematography and slow films sometimes. One of the things that struck me was when that lady comes to visit her childhood love, even he gets touched by the gesture and slowly starts writing more poetry, creating more art. It's such a subtle thought but I feel like it's true, some people just put you more in touch with your emotions and you want to create because life feels that much more beautiful. I've been writing so much more this past one year. I've had this blog for a decade, and not a single one of those years compelled me to write more than a handful of times each year. And in a strange way, this blog is a repository of who I am, who I used to be, the thoughts I thought over the years. I always meant for it to be the one space that keeps me honest, but I didn't realise the volume of writing would be something that would also be an indicator of significance. Interesting, huh? 

Dammit. Now I feel like reposting last night's rant lmaooo. Just sitting in my drafts all hidden. But then again, that is me too, hiding the strongest, most impulsive feelings. So why should it not be the same here? Yeah, I'll let it be. 

Heh. And I really love this movie. So soft. I like both the couple's and how cute their romantic moments are. I love such slow silent moments tbh. The inside jokes and the gentle way of just being there for each other. Good marriages are made of these. Absolutely divine.