Hope and Innocence

Hehe, I found this. So much like my childhood. I was constantly cooking up some random schemes and making people follow me. Like building a spaceship from scratch. From scratch, mind you. With the belief that it would be done in two weeks max. A total corporate hoe deadline. It even has dragonflies. When dad was in Rajasthan, there were a lot of dragonflies there. Some kids used to make it a game to tie a string around their tails and make them fly. I hated those kids. It was abominable to me that someone would be cruel enough to take away that fly's freedom. 

Oh and and that time I made purnima join me in rescuing the two puppies from school. Which in retrospect, might have been us just flicking two puppies 💀. Wait, was it? Crap. Why is this only occuring to me today? Oh no. 

And we had to walk all the way back instead of taking the schoolbus. And then people thought she was kidnapped cuz she didn't reach home until very late. Man, I didn't hear the end of it when both sets of parents found out I was at the bottom of it all. What an F.

This pic made me reread some of my diaries that I kept from the age of 7? Maybe.The first one contains my first attempt at writing a book. And it was basically me just writing the plot of some Enid Blyton I had read. Lol. The rest of it is just decoding song lyrics and writing poetry. One thing that stood out in those entries and even entries of my teens was how utterly innocent I was. I always had this self image of someone very crude, and the world just tells you that you aren't feminine when you are assertive. I ended up believing that and assuming I'm an outsider for idk...most of my life? But as I read these entries I just feel like... Hmm. Like I'm someone who I would have chosen to protect had I seen the vulnerabilities in me. I just learnt early on to hide them well, to a point where noone can sense them even now unless I show it. But yeah, I was actually quite a sweet, sensitive, innocent soul. It's taken me so many years to realise that. Maybe I still am like that, who knows? I'll read this a decade from now and go 'awww'. Hehe. 

Wow

Decided to watch after so long cuz I can barely move and thought it might distract. Instead just got yelled at. In front of everyone. Wonderful. It's like shouting at me is people's birthright.

Guess you very well know I wouldn't yell back in front of others. Great position to put me in! I'll stay meek and you yell at me to your heart's content with lots of people watching. Good stuff. 👍

Exactly how men should treat women, just yell at them for all the world to see. Very very respectful.

Such a great monk you'd have made 😡

Finally the migrane has worn off. What even was that fuck. Haven't felt this much pain and nausea in a long time. Even now I'm feeling so weak and listless. No mood to make food either. Ugh. What do I do?

Unable to concentrate or do anything today, my head hurts so damn bad. Think I'll find some Miss Marple book and read quietly. Just want to feel better :(

Fuck, I have such a bad migraine. Nothing is helping. :( Feel so nauseated 

Deep Tennis analysis

M

You know? When I was talking about men, I completely didn't mention M in that. I wonder how he is. I haven't known him enough to know how responsible he is, but in my heart I feel like when push comes to shove, he might also have a dependable side to him. I sense that maybe he hasn't fully come into his own as yet. I remember when I first came across him, and it felt like he was just floating through life. He had this ease about him, like people do when they do not have to struggle. All my friends who have that ease, tend not to have serious worries in life, so I figured he was the same. At the time I didn't realise that he might have a serious side as well. But when I see him try so hard at his job, be consistent, I do feel he has some steel in him too. And it's nice. I wish I knew him better to know if what I sense in him is true. But I haven't really had a genuine, deep conversation with him to understand him fully. I think he is more or less on the cusp of that change, one that makes a person settle into themselves. My instincts say that he does need some time to fully get there though, there are parts of him that are so innocent. I don't think he realises that, but that innocence is what actually drew me to him in the first place. Funny how that happens. In my whole life, I've never once been the one to initiate a contact with someone. And with him I was so so skeptical.

But it's weird, the more I stuck around, the more he started showing more solid sides. I hope that was his genuine self and not just stuff people do to make an impression. I guess I won't fully trust that unless I actually have an opportunity to speak and understand him better. Fuck, but keeping all that aside, Idk why I feel sooo damn protective of him. It's so weird. I'm usually never complimentary of someone, nor do I make it a point to highlight it to them, but with him, the full force of my feelings just come out. I guess I want him to see himself from my lens sometimes. So that instead of being on the defence all the time, he would see what actually makes him special and trust it implicitly. He is too hard on himself. That night when someone said something heinous about him, I spent the entire time so restless. And then I woke up very Kierkegaard style and decided I'll take a leap of faith and trust that he is a good one. And then spent hours talking to him about it. I don't even know why it upset me to see him in distress, but all I wanted to do in that moment was to make sure he is fine, and I didn't care how long it took until he calms down. I wonder if he realises that or values it. I fear sometimes that he never actually understands anything about me, or how much of me I give him freely. That's actually my biggest fear with him. That there will never be a day when he realises or values how much I actually care. He doesn't seem the type to acknowledge it even if he does. That's kinda sad. I guess that's why I feel he needs time to come into his own. In general, if you only focus on you, and keep guarded about others, you don't actually realise that you aren't taking into account the other person or what value you adding to them, if any. But I guess that's something a lot of people only realise when they face loss. Meh. But I don't think it would come to that. Too drastically silly, and let me not lowball him that way. :) 

In all the strange ways I've met people in my life, this is definitely the most unlikely. And yet, it felt so fated from the start. Life was so grey and gloomy until I actually came across him. And post that, I ended up facing so many of my fears. Lol. Even as I type this, I realise there's reality and then there's the stuff in my head that needed clearing out. Spring cleaning? Maybe. I guess if I were to be honest, there's never been a single man in my life who I felt like going all in for. I didn't really know why, but I knew I wasn't a 100 percent in with any of them. But after seeing him, I realised it might come with a loooot of challenges, but he is the sort of person I'd go all in for. And that's funny, cuz he isn't an easy person, so it's absolutely weird to feel that, but in the end, I do hope that I end up with someone like him. For the first time, I realise that I'd like to take up all of life's challenges with someone like that by my side. 

Maybe that's the essence of partnership, finally coming around to the idea that x is the person you want to choose to have by you as you both tackle all that life throws at you. 

Hmm. Maybe embracing the idea that I want to genuinely have someone by my side, carry them forward and deal with life as a unit is my way of coming into my own too. Took me long enough :)

PS - when I do find it, I hope I try like hell and make sure the bond is enduring and long lasting and filled with love. And I hope the person I end up with does the same for me. I want to learn to be reliant on someone and know they have my back. I'm so independent that it has taken forever for me to realise the value in this, but now that I do, I'll align myself to ensure I build something solid. 

Pps - as I reread this, I suddenly realised I'm acting like a Mirka to his Federer lol. FedEx is such a child himself, and Mirka is such a rock. I think maybe I see a lot of me in her, and the role she plays in his life. Funny. 😅

Love was just a glance away

Worked out lots, took a shower and listening to Strangers in the night. Feels so nice. And eyes feel a little misty too. In a good way, maybe? Lol

Confession

Some days I see a game so good... it makes me wanna climb into your lap, lock eyes with you, take your hand, and slowly show you juuust how turned on I am. 

🎯

YOOOOO!

My old driving fav! Loved turning corners on empty roads on this! 

And I feeeeeeeeeeeeel

That it's reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllll

Aaahhhh. I need to go for a driiiiiveeee!!! Tomooooo! 

What maketh a man?

I was actually thinking about this. There's so few guys I'd term 'men'. Most are boys, regardless of their age. And I was wondering what difference I sense in them. And I realised the distinguishing factor is responsibility. To me, boys grow into men when they finally learn to take responsibility for people other than themselves. And these days it's not the most important thing for most, so I'm not sure how many will grow into that, but in the end that's the one thing that counts. I see those traits in my dad, how he worked hard for us, made sure we get a good life, good education, stand on our own feet. He never once asked for anything in return, except bragging rights when we do well. It's lovely. There's not a single thing I ever wanted which he didn't give me. As a kid, I was shy and I never asked for anything. So my first memory of him is when I just looked at something in a shop and I felt like I wanted it but then decided not to ask, and he just saw that one look and got it for me. And I've always known I can rely on him, part of why my life is so easy because I have that sense of security from him. And his compassion, altruism and genuine generosity is something that has defined my beliefs from the get go. I'm so proud that I'm like him. Stubborn, reliable and always choosing to protect others. These are the traits I inherit and ones I'm so proud of as well. In a country that makes such a distinction between girls and boys, he always saw the best in me and never once treated me differently because of gender. That's so rare. And I never once had him force me into some weird marriage because I'm of age and such nonsense. Damn. I do admire you and love you to bits! If there's one thing I'd love to accomplish, it's to have you be very proud of me. Just the way you have always wanted. Now that our battle of stubbornness has finally ended, I can appreciate the mix of steeliness and steadiness in you, which I keep trying to instill in myself as well. 

I'm glad I have a role model in him. The feeling intensified when I had those convos with those two twitch boys weeks/months ago. One of them has a kid, the other a fiance. And yet, neither has any semblance of responsibility or maturity. Like they may individually be nice,and I'm sure there must be positives to them as well, but there isn't a hint of traditional manliness in either. It's just bumming around. Life isn't about being edgy and cool all the time, I wonder how long it takes them to realise that. Or maybe they never will. I'm glad I extricated myself from that, sometimes in my eagerness to understand people, I momentarily lose sight of my north star. But it's cool, I always pull back. To be honest, only one dude from that group actually seems sorted, and he is a dad of three. And he likes writing long, long paragraphs...just like all old folks who love talking do! Reminds me of all the retirees from my dad's work. They are all so adorbs, and love telling me stories of their lives.

I guess spending time with P and M's sister's families just brought me back to a sense of solidity. I see that solidity in Raves too. He might be genz asf in all the silly stuff he keeps doing, but he is such a dependable person when it comes to his family and carrying them forward. I think that's why we get along. Plus I love hearing about his antics with his gf lol. Such random nonsense they do, it's very entertaining. 

I think I'd also been on cusp of womanliness for the last few years, but I sense I have since turned the corner and slowly all my fears and impositions have started fading away. It took forever to work through all the issues that held me back, but I'm glad tenacity is a natural trait in me. I hope I keep going and I hope life is kind enough to bring people my way that appreciate who I am and work to keep me in their life too. I've usually been the one to do that for others, but I think it's time that others do it for me as well. I want to have a sense of restfulness when it comes to people henceforth. I'm gonna work so so hard to make sure everyone gets the best version of me too. That I promise. And no more allowing childish people who might tell me bs like 'I have no value' lol. Man, I really have lowballed myself so much all my life, haven't I? Oh well, lesson learnt, done and dusted. 

Ugh. I genuinely feel happy and content today. All smiles! :)

A happy place

P is visiting with two kids in tow and M's niece is around. That's so many small kids lmao. While the chaos is the stuff of legends, I can't help but admire how lovely both M's sister's marrige is and P's as well. Both their spouses are so supportive and nice and loyal. I guess that's why the ladies are so relaxed and happy in life. It so good to know you have a partner who has your back! ♥️ I've never told them this, but seeing their marriages are what made me come around to the idea of marriage in the first place. Esp as they are also friends with their spouses, and I think that's genuinely one of the best ways to pick a partner. And both the guys are so affectionate too. I love it. In a world that constantly acts needlessly hypersexual, and men act like juveniles, it's really great to see two guys who actually embody the essense of what in my books constitutes "men". Respectful, protective, loving and having the strength to keep their families together. After a long time it felt so peaceful to be around such happy people. I truly long to create one of my own, and I hope I'm as happy and carefree as them when I do! 

Hehe, and then I can fuss over everyone and make sure they eat on time and do all those lil lil traditional things noone knows I actually want to do. I don't think I care about anything as much as this little dream cocoon of happiness that I one day want as my reality. My very own tiny slice of heaven. I'm ambivalent on kids for now, that depends on if who I end up with wants to be a father or not, but I definitely want to be a happy wifey. First time it doesn't sound cringe in my head to say that. 

Lol, my boisterous disguise hides my womanly secrets so well. I don't think anyone in the world has an inkling to what I hide so deep in my heart. I like it that way :)

Okay I feel very goo now lol

Goals

Ordered some new paints. I have some art I want to try making. And I think it's time I finished working on the book too. I have the time, and I can dedicate it to this. Year end should be a good timeline to get it done in. Seems like a fun task to take up. Been a while since I got in the middle of a good plot. Need to start scouting publishers too, given that the first draft is more or less taking shape. Man, can't wait to go back home and get on it!

Also need to learn some new stretches, my leg has started hurting again with the strain. It's been months of this intermittent injury, wish it would heal already. Funny, I ask M about his all the time but never told him about mine. Hmm. I wonder why I never did. I actually never really talk about myself to him, do I? I guess I find it weird to share stuff unprompted. 🤷‍♀️ Oh well, to each their own. It will be nice one day to find folks who fuss over me the same way I do for others though. I think I'd love that! Makes me so gooey and warm when I receive that hehe. ☺️

Otherwise, I'm happy with the stuff I'm doing in life now. Finally able to envision the kind of future I want. I'm glad. That vision was always what was so blurry for me, following through is never the issue. Plus I'm excited to pit myself against this, see what I can come up with and what I can contribute. I'd forgotten the joy of just immersing in something you love, and the thrill of hard work. Life lately had become too mundane and I was feeling unfulfilled, so gotta correct that balance. 

Alrighty, I look forward to it. Wootwoot! 

 Fuck chess. Fuck it. 

So

TIRED

ugh. Don't feel like doing anything tried distracting with chess and played so badly I'm now tired and irritated. Fuck everything. 

Feel like having a drink after so damn long. Ugh. I won't but damn, a nice cold mojito or rose would hit the spot. Stupid random oaths I take. ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

Anime Love

Listening to this on repeat while working out. Man, anime just has such insanely good soundtracks. And I love Psycho Pass. At some point I'd thought it was Satoshi Kon's work, but no, Mob Psycho is his. Another absolute masterpiece. Something about Kon's work is soo underrated, yet it has inspired so many mainstream films. I think Paprika was the one I saw first and later read that Nolan used that as an inspiration for Inception. Even Perfect Blue and Black Swan, although I'm not sure if Aronofsky ever openly admitted to it. 

The best part is how anime gives you the flexibility to explore concepts in their true essence without human encumbrance. Most of the ones I have gravitated to over the years have very Dostoevsky type themes and villians that are conflicted and compelling. I think that's why I even liked Batman growing up, the villans are flavourful. But they are way more one dimensional than say a Makishima from Psycho Pass or Itachi or even Yagami Light - the og villian that made me love anime so much. Damn, Death Note is so spectacular! I even love Zuko, even though it's not technically anime. Last Airbender was so so so good!

Ugh, I want to watch something new and cool. It's been ages. I think the last series I loved was Arcane. Hmmm. Need to scouttt!