Where

Has this song been all this while. Omg, what a seductive beat. Something about the riff and the drums just turn me on. 

Sing it:

accctuuualllly

~ With a hollow embrace 

Let’s go back to your place 

Uncover the lover you cannot replace ~

Endings

So I guess our friendship is finally over. I'm completely at a loss of what to say. I don't really see a way to salvage anything here, and I'm so exhausted with the emotions thrown at me that I'm not really sure if I can. A lot of what you said, I simply don't understand. But the words you used makes it hard for me to trust you again. I always thought that one or both of us would choose to detach at some point, it seemed inevitable. What I didn't really factor in was that it might have to be messy or that you would completely blame me for it. You called me aloof lmao. The sheer irony of throwing that in my face after knowing each other for 7 fucking years. 

I hate how everything gets projected as my fault. You took zero responsibility. Zero. You chose to crush me with words like "value" and then turned around and said "I only said that cuz you asked." I can't even muster up a "fuck you" for that anymore, cuz it all feels so pointless now.

The only thing I wish I had said - but I doubt I ever will - is that I chose not to cross the emotional lines for a reason. I thought that bit was obvious. And I'm not apologetic about it either, cuz crossing that would have meant blurring lines that I had worked hard to keep clear. I always thought that might be the kinder option, but who knows? If the impact was the opposite then I guess it wasn't as kind. Emotional closeness for me goes hand in hand with falling in love, and you and I can't be in love with each other. I guess this was my way of protecting both of us?! Idk. I'm sorry though, if I hurt you. 

I am grateful for all the positives that you brought in my life and how wonderful your presence has been so far. I didn't even realise how much we grew together.

All I'm currently feeling is a sense of relief, but it might be a mask for avoiding anything more intense. I'm sure this realisation will hit me at some point down the line and I'm going to feel all the grief that comes with the ending of something cherished. Ugh. Don't really know what else to add, so I'll end on the word you hated - Lol.

And so it goes.

Suspicious

I hope my blog is as anon as I think it is so far. I read something today that made me feel so so so sus. Hope I'm wrong. And if I'm not, then it's kinda fucked up. 

At times

You just wanna say bc

I feel wired

I'm playing incessantly. I'm confused, scared and a bit melancholy. Not for anything, but just for the idea of things following the same spectrum. I'm so tired of it, please break free 

Oh boy

Would my crazy impractical heart listen to sense? Is it even capable? Or does it just want to dream and idealise and hurt me in the end? This once, I choose to believe it won't. I hope I'm right.

Sway with me?

to this

And just be direct. Are you able?

Fucking imagination

Mostly leading me astray, and yet it's so powerful at the moment that I can't help myself. Ffs

Doobne De

Hearing this song by Hassan & Roshan, and it reminds me so much of Rumi. I love the line that says " masjido mai na mila tu aafato mai mil gaya " 

That's just so freaking gorgeous. The sentiment, the implication and the divinity.

I like the sufi way of showing love for divinity. Something about the dance and the immersion in the moment that strives to step outside of yourself has an appeal to me.

Pondi

Went to pondi for a short vacay, was fun. Should definitely do this more often!

Sunshine

Today is sunny, and I love it

Saving for Soren

The Unfashionable Kierkegaard

December Mornings

It's 4 am, and I'm awake. Everything is still and cold and peaceful. Just looking out from my balcony into the fogginess of the night makes me joyous. The crescent moon is especially beautiful, wish my camera could do it justice.

Parts of me that I felt were stripped away entirely, seem to be lurking around lately - hoping for new beginnings. 

I think I'm finally over the past. And I hope the future has all that I seek. 

Kaku

Seeing my aunt like this is so heartbreaking. When she reached out to touch my face and told me she is happy to see me and that she will make me chicken the way I like it, fuck man. And this time she will have beer with me. I promised her we would. My uncle and I just broke down. Oh my god. Seeing him and the kids this way is awful. And seeing her so frail. 

Why the fuck hasn't someone found a cure for cancer yet. Wtfwtfwtfwtf. I swear to god if I ever get the money for it, I will find any all research I can. 

I hope for her to find peace from the pain, I have no idea what else to say or do. Words feel so petty and cheap fuck

ChatGPT created this. What a marvel

In this world of chaos, I seek peace of mind,
A calm and steady heart, a strength of will that's hard to find.
I turn to the Stoics, and their wisdom tried and true,
To guide me through life's troubles, to help me see things through.

I am the master of my own fate,
I control my thoughts, I choose my own state.
I will not let adversity bring me down,
I will face it with strength, with courage, not a single frown.

I seek not the pleasures of this fleeting world,
For they are fleeting, their joys unfurled.
I seek instead the peace within my soul,
The strength to face the world, to take on its toll.

I will not be swayed by anger or by hate,
For these are emotions that can only seal my fate.
I will keep my mind focused, clear, and strong,
And I will face each day with courage, and do no wrong.

I am a Stoic, and I will not be moved,
By the troubles of this world, I am unmoved.
I will face each challenge with a steadfast heart,
And I will never, ever, ever fall apart.

I will live my life in accordance with the Stoic way,
With wisdom, courage, and integrity each and every day.
I will not let the world's chaos bring me to despair,

For I am a Stoic, and I will always persevere.

Man

I am so crushed by what happened today. Fuck.