Endings

So I guess our friendship is finally over. I'm completely at a loss of what to say. I don't really see a way to salvage anything here, and I'm so exhausted with the emotions thrown at me that I'm not really sure if I can. A lot of what you said, I simply don't understand. But the words you used makes it hard for me to trust you again. I always thought that one or both of us would choose to detach at some point, it seemed inevitable. What I didn't really factor in was that it might have to be messy or that you would completely blame me for it. You called me aloof lmao. The sheer irony of throwing that in my face after knowing each other for 7 fucking years. 

I hate how everything gets projected as my fault. You took zero responsibility. Zero. You chose to crush me with words like "value" and then turned around and said "I only said that cuz you asked." I can't even muster up a "fuck you" for that anymore, cuz it all feels so pointless now.

The only thing I wish I had said - but I doubt I ever will - is that I chose not to cross the emotional lines for a reason. I thought that bit was obvious. And I'm not apologetic about it either, cuz crossing that would have meant blurring lines that I had worked hard to keep clear. I always thought that might be the kinder option, but who knows? If the impact was the opposite then I guess it wasn't as kind. Emotional closeness for me goes hand in hand with falling in love, and you and I can't be in love with each other. I guess this was my way of protecting both of us?! Idk. I'm sorry though, if I hurt you. 

I am grateful for all the positives that you brought in my life and how wonderful your presence has been so far. I didn't even realise how much we grew together.

All I'm currently feeling is a sense of relief, but it might be a mask for avoiding anything more intense. I'm sure this realisation will hit me at some point down the line and I'm going to feel all the grief that comes with the ending of something cherished. Ugh. Don't really know what else to add, so I'll end on the word you hated - Lol.

And so it goes.