Ordering my thoughts

Idk why my mind has to do the rapid think thing, I guess it just needs to straight up solve the problem in front of it otherwise it won't rest.

I think I said enough and a part of it must have been too jumbled but the essence of it is that I am more than just lines of text, and I'm actually a solid, loyal person and I can say that with certainty. I would be doing myself a big disservice if I diluted that and just remained some weird hazy entity. There's more to me than just existing for the sake of it, fun as it has been. I sense that trust and loyalty plays a big role in your life and it does in mine, but giving you that freely cannot simultaneously coexist with you simply not knowing me as a person who is offering it. And tbh that's essentially what bothers me. 

And I can't make you see that. Nor do I want to put someone in a position like that. In life, you gotta be able to choose equations freely. Friendships or otherwise. But in order to truly get along and have any equation, you can't know me as half a person and I can't do that either. And it's just weird to be semi close but also you not having any context to me. I know you trust me, but you should also be making that decision because you see me as an actual person. I know I'm transparent and easy to read, but the human context is still necessary. Everything else is just half baked wishful thinking and the longer you spend without knowing me the weirder it will feel. For me as well. But yeah, if your barriers are so strong then it's cool, I'm not going to test them. I'm guessing you've had a lot to deal with that makes you be so protective of yourself. And that's fine, you should not have to do anything you don't want or give someone something that you aren't ready to or unwilling to. You are completely right in picking the path you want, I will never challenge that. And I have pride and I'm not pathetic, so if I must take the hit, I'll do it without blinking and idc how much it hurts, I will not dodge it.

Lol, it honestly didn't need to be this complicated, but what can I say, we are humans and we mock our lives on whims. Sad, really. That's the thing about people that has always baffled me. How easily they just let a good thing go. I'm guessing some rationale will say I'm doing the same here. But I don't see it as yet and that I guess is my blind spot. But what can I say, I'm blind to it. Oops. I would have found it cringe to consider myself a "good thing", but I know I am. Too bad you couldn't see that about me. But maybe that's your blind spot too. Oops again. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something from this too. 

I do hope you know I'm not abandoning you, you can reach out whenever you want, I'm sure none of this is as serious as I'm currently making it out to be. Ngl, it would be kinda funny if you just told me to stfu and not be weird and overdramatic.

Lolz who would have thought that the first actual human conversation we had was meant to go this way. There's a certain sense of irony to that, especially as this required a show of trust and loyalty as well.  

Haha, what a beautiful joke. Oh well, what good is life if it doesn't give you the finger from time to time. 💪🏼