Insecurity

I read a little something about it today. How needing to feel in control is also a sign that you can be insecure about a person or a thing. I think that's very true. If you value something and fear losing it then it just makes you want to keep guard over it. I hate that feeling though, and I hate when it's triggered in me. It's more or less vestigial now but after dating that awful narcissist it really made me so hyper alert to people's traits. But I guess I shouldn't blame him, I wouldn't have felt that way if I was secure, would have just told him to gtfo a lot sooner than I did. I think it's good that I atleast have a framework now to fall back on. One of the things I've trained myself to do is to notice how often someone reaches out, or shows active care, takes an interest in what you have to say, do they show they value you in some way or another etc. Basically the exact opposite of all the things that narc did lol. But it works, it's a good filter. Better late than never amirite. 

I like M that way, she has her head on straight when it comes to these things. She simply doesn't allow for shitty folks to enter her life. Even when P said those awful things to me and I talked to her about it, her first thought was " but friends can't be brutal this way ". And she was right. Took me longer to see it but yeah, I think that was a complete full stop. In the end he also ended up just being selfish and so mean. That's the thing about people who assume they are victims or have been wronged I guess. They immediately give themselves license to be nasty and continue thinking their actions are ok. Nothing I hate more than that mix of self pity + self indulgent delusion. 

Earlier I used to guard my heart and my feelings very strongly because I'm the forever type and I knew if I give it to someone then I'll take what comes with it, including the negatives. But you know what? I'm gonna stop fearing that I'll pick people who would trigger this shit in me. Fear is the mindkiller after all lol. So fuck it, I'm gonna let this one go, it's time.

Only gonna make room for the best, most solid folks from now. And imma make sure I add lots of value to their lives too, it'll be worth it. Cheers! 🙌