Nietzsche

Heard a lecture on him cuz couldn't sleep. It's fascinating how that man could identify problems and then come to the absolute wrong conclusions. Egomaniacal twat.

Now I hate him more. Suck it. 

Ehhh. Getting cramps again in the middle of the night wtf man. And I'm out of ibuprofen dammit. If I pop a kid someday, that kid better become the president of some country cuz my god this pain is not worth it otherwise

Choices

Was talking to S last night. I love her to bits but I cannot understand the choices my lady makes. How can you possibly trade in your independence the way she did? I truly don't get it. Such regressive choices women make, just because they don't want to work hard. How can it ever be worth it? Just living out a life with someone else's rules because security. There's a whole world out there which you can attain by yourself and yet you settle for this. I love you S, I do. But fuck. Yucks. 

Hmmm but to be fair. Different life experiences do dictate choices. My own parents had such an awful marriage that I hated the notion of it forever, until I worked it out and made my peace with it. But it was so scarring. And the idea of being trapped with someone because you are dependent on them is so abhorrent to me. Or the perpetual loneliness of being with a partner that doesn't fulfill your needs. Esp now when I've finally gained a measure of peace and control over my own reactions, I think the most valuable lesson it taught me was that in any relationship - love, respect and consideration has to be paramount. Everything else is just a recipe for disaster. Even these folks I see who marry cuz they are scared to be alone or are in relationships that are half baked. Are they really happy? Or can they just pretend to be? Or they cheat like some sad losers. Idk man. 

When I was a kid, my folks used to label me a rebel. What they didn't realise is that even as a child I wanted to make undiluted decisions, ones that are right and fair. It wasn't rebellion, it was my right as a person to be able to choose my life path. But Asian parenting. What can you say? I think I have the same approach to love too, in that I don't think I can make that decision for anything other than pure love for a person, no more, no less. Hmmm. Guess that's why I've always loved Cordelia, she was the one character that reflected my heart. I would do exactly as she did, and then get punished for it and bear it, without resorting to retaliation. That's actually pretty much been my life so far too. And like her, I've never uttered the word 'love' lightly. Even if I say it in jest, there will be an element of truth in it directed at the person I say it to. Plus she was proud and stubborn just like me haha. Even our vices are similar.

Lol, who would have thought I'd find a mirror in King Lear, but I guess even he got something right. I kid, I'm sure he is great, everyone seems to say so. 

One day, I'll read him good. 

Until then swoon

Omg

Took a nice hot shower and I smell so damn good 😍

New day

And so much to get done. And it's cold enough for a nice run now let's gooo 

Heyy

So pretty

'There's no colour in the world without you.'

Someday when I find the thing I seek, this is exactly what I'll feel. Your love will be the best of me. And I'd love for you to come home to me.

Am I finally blossoming into a woman? Leaving the tomfoolery and boisterousness behind? My 'bro' side that's my camouflage, lest someone sees the sensitive, naive girl in me? I think I'm slowly shedding those layers. 

Dammit P, seems like clumsy you is deeply romantic too. It's nice that I don't find it cringe anymore. Guess I don't mind waiting for the right person to unlock that side of me either. I'll do it forever if I need to. Someday the sun has to shine, amirite? :)

Ah. And the scientist comes on, right on cue. 

💀

The dreaded day is here and my abdomen is revolting against me. Days like these are when I wonder if there is a god 😔

Snooze

What is it about cold mornings and warm blankets that makes me struggle to open my eyes? Ummm. Just want to cuddle my pillow and snuggle it in bed. Going back to sleep 😴

Late night convos

Want to curate this and come back to it later down the years to see if my perspective has changed. Interesting how I'm now actually on the same page with most folks in life. 

Navigating girl world

Is soooo complex. Was speaking to my friend and relived all those college time squabbles and who did what to whom etc just all started pouring out. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a bitch fest lol. Interestingly, she and I have the exact same reaction styles. We just let things build up and don't communicate and then implode on the person who we are upset at, while they may not even see it coming. Guess even M has been that way all her life. Except she continues to ignore the issues. 

Lol, we three suck at confrontation. 

But I think I need to come to a point of temperance with this as well. While I booted the folks that needed booting, going forward I want to make sure that I don't let things build up to a point where it leaves no room for the other person to address problems. 

Having said that, being wary of mean girls is something that needs to become a skill. When it comes to women, the best thing to do is to select only those friendships where they are mutually supportive otherwise my god you just gotta keep watching your back. So not worth it. 

To A - once again, fucking hate you lol. You truly, truly suuuuck as a human being my god. Legit one of the two most awful folks I've met in my life and I wish I had had this clarity years ago. But I'm glad my lens on you is clear now. 

Expressions of Love

If I care about you, I will harass you lol. And there's nooothing you can do about it. 🙂♥️

Poetry

The lyrics of Rafi and the words of Rumi...evoke in me a seamless blend of nostalgia, yearning and a magnetic pull towards an intangible that always seems to tease with its elusiveness. Maybe it's the old fashioned permanence in their idea of love, and their devotion towards their beloved, their zest for life...but man. Every word of theirs just sets my heart on fire. 

"Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being"  

Long back I had read this one. My impulsivity then was captured by the second line, because it contained within it a call for self affirmation. But as I have changed, I have completely lost the need for the second and learnt the value of the first line. And since I think I'm waxing poetic and swoony in this post, let me end it by saying be "naughty, not knotty ".

I'll get this tattooed when I'm 80.

Chilling

Reading a book and generally just lazing around today. Feels nice. I haven't given myself time in so long :)

Just wanna order something nice later and snooze off and on. I love slow days by myself where I can read, relax, drink some hot tea and in general day dream in my fantasy cocoon. Thinking of working on my short story later in the day too, but getting out of bed seems like a task for now. Actually it's been a long time since I wrote something good down, will be fun to get the mind working on it.

Ps- tried to trim my hair cuz I was too lazy to go to the salon and that was such a bad idea. My bangs are uneven and too short, I look like a clown 😭

Exhale

I'm tired and haggard lol. Need to change up my workouts and make sure I strike some balance. I realise I've been a bit too on edge lately. Not sure why or what's been so worrisome but I need to take it slow and easy and go back to being at peace. I have this weird sense of mental exhaustion that's never happened to me before. Been stressing myself out and I need to stop and breathe. Take it easy and go with the flow for a while. 

Would love to go for a climb actually, but the slopes are so slippery. The last one was so nice, all misty on the top. Dad is also moving to a new place, hope it goes well for him. Maybe I can go visit, would be a nice change of scenery.

Stings

I'm still mad that we came second last night wtfffff. I HAD THE RIGHT ANSWER 😭 STUPID ASS MBAPPE

Talking

Met M after a long time tonight and had a long talk about life. She asked me after all that has happened do I still care about the other M. And the answer is yes, I definitely do. Not sure why or how, but his presence in my life has been something that I definitely do cherish. I'm not sure why it does, but his personality and his soul matches mine in a way that feels quite right. I'm not sure what happens next, or if we make room for each other with all our idiosyncrasies, in our lives. But I hope we do find a way to figure out some balance. In my own way, I legit love him. I don't say that lightly either. I appreciate how much time and care he took to make me feel at ease, it's not something others have done before and he wins my loyalty for that. And I know he would cringe and die before he admits that he was showing me all that care, but I hope he reaches a point where it doesn't feel cringe to him, rather he realises how easy and wonderful our equation is and leans into it without fear. Having said that... Men. Them and their egos amirite? Lol. Pull through for me this once M. I love you lots - more than I could ever tell you, and it's time we both grew up enough to feel secure about each other. And you have to be able to do your bit so I feel happy and secure with you. It's the one sign I've been waiting for forever, ever since I came across you. Please get it right for me? I promise I'll be steady the moment you show me that, but it's imp to me to know I'm valued and you are the one person I need to show me that I am. And to be honest, idk what your life's hangups are or what has happened so far that makes you so guarded. But I didn't cause them, so you shouldn't project your fears onto me. You need to factor that in at the end of the day.

Other than that, life is actually ok. And I'm finally not miserable lol. As for all the other stuff that was said and done, it's okay, we are both strong and I'm sure we can get over it in due time. I meant it when I said I want you in my life, I hope you know that and how deeply I meant it as well. I'm pretty sure you do actually. You might get mad and jittery when emotional conversations happen, but underneath that you are capable of dealing and I know that. So I trust in you for now. *Biggest hugs* 

And cheers, hoping for good things to come about soon. :)