What I want

 ... is to be surrounded by people better than me, more knowledgeable, more driven, chasing a dream with all that they have. Everyone else just doesn't cut it. :( 

Mindshifter

A character with no identity or battle of his own. He can get inside the mind of anyone and observe how they function. There is no intent, other than to observe. His objectives are mysterious at best and he cannot be trusted in the traditional sense. He cannot be counted upon per se, the only way to evoke something in him is curiosity. He is mostly a benign presence, doesn't actively cause harm to anyone. But he does end up being a bit of a problem because other people have motives. Will be interesting to cast him, since he can be used as a chess piece. Likes to have the best seat in the house for any event he finds interesting. Think dragon fight.

Choices

Flowers don't grow in swamps, except maybe lotuses.
That's beautiful, and that's also the last place I'd wanna be.

Fears and Loves

'Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost'
- Milan Kundera

This line basically surmises all that I felt for you. You made me so aware of myself and all that I lack, but want. It broke my being in ways I had never encountered before. There were days when I felt as if I was being torn into two and I could feel every rip. I couldn't even run away, you just held me in place and made me endure the break repeatedly. And I did. Even when I thought I couldn't stretch more, I somehow managed to do it. For me. And in a juvenile way, for you. These are thoughts that I am sure you would not understand or relate to, because I suspect your vision is myopic. You utter thoughts that express your need to seek depth and meaning, yet your actions are shallow and irresponsible. I find that so fascinating. Time, however, has done its thing. The storm you subjected me to, has slowly passed. I no longer wake up engulfed in fear. The primalness of what I felt is being replaced by a sense of purpose and direction. Two things that I find comfort and meaning in. Slowly, I have allowed myself to stand in place and feel my fears fully. And now I am well on my way to attain all of the missing pieces that my life was lacking. Soon, there will come a day when I have them as well. And that thought scares me. I think in a way, it has been my biggest fear, and the reason why I have always allowed myself to be 'flawed'. The flaws were my comfort zone, ones I felt kept me from making horrific mistakes with people. I have often felt like I have some degree of power and influence over people I know, and I actively avoid that particular realisation. Flaws allow for lesser power and lesser influence. Power corrupts, it makes you ruthless. Power is so much responsibility. I always choose the path of obstacles or put in self imposed limits, unconsciously. Which brings me to the thought that is pertinent to my love for you. If I were all that I could be, if I didn't put any limits to myself and really owned it instead - would there ever be a place for you in my life? If there is no part of me that is missing - would there be anything left for you to fulfill? Or is the bigger question this - if one doesn't need anyone, then what becomes the basis of love? Is it like an end unto itself? 

Blankets

You know those moments when a mix of serenity, quietness and a desire to think hits you? At that intersection lie the starting points of many of my meanderings. The other day I lay in the comfort of my blanket, with the AC just right. Everything was still and perfect. I guess maybe I find serenity to be the base of perfection. It makes me acknowledge the fact that everything is as is. I slowly started to drift towards contemplating the meaning of life. It's a question that everyone visits from time to time, and I am no different. I like to try thinking of it from different angles. It's like one of those wooden puzzles which can be solved only if you get the angle just right. The quest may just be unending, unless a deus ex machina happens. This night though, made me think about death, particularly the day my grandfather died. 

We reached his funeral, and it was the first funeral I have ever attended. Everything was surreal. Everyone around me was grieving. Mom, cousins, relatives, everyone was unstoppable that night. I remember just looking at his face, all I could do was look. He seemed peaceful, asleep even. I remember just being numb and a small voice telling me that somehow, at this moment, the only way to show respect would be to not fake any reaction. The enormity of the event hadn't quite seeped in... atleast until the moment I looked at my grandmother. A lady who most probably hadn't left his side a day in her life. They were married for what... 50 + years atleast? She was holding my hand, but unaware that it was me. And she said just one line that night... when she saw him being lifted away from the house and onwards towards the final site... "atta nighaale maajhe mister"; which roughly translates to... "My partner has started his travel". 

That moment was when it felt like the world just stopped. Here was someone.. whose entire life and love was bound to this one person. And that companion, whose eyes you see life through, is just... not there anymore. It made me think of love, and the expanse of life and the journeys we undertake with people. Knowingly or unknowingly, the people closest to us... shape us, form our thoughts, form our lives and memories. A lot of the time, we get so lost in daily living that the impact of all these cumulative actions don't seem to strike us. It takes a significant event that makes you face the bigger picture and evaluate. Somewhere that moment is tied to my idea of love as well. I would like to be like her... tied to the one person that you choose to love, freely and deeply. There is so much gentleness and strength in that love. Like embers of coal, that burn on an on, but burn slow and steady. Such a thought on such a day. 

When the funeral pyre was lit, and the fire started raging on, I wondered how many of us there would be considering the reality of what was happening. The reality that the person who we knew, who was larger than life, is now slowly turning into ash. Just that. Tomorrow we will go and scatter the ashes into the river and that would be it. A physical closure to a physical being. In three days, there was nothing left of him... no physical evidence. I didn't know what to do with that. And this has been happening from time immemorial. All the ages that have lived, before us and all that will live after... millions of people and animals, each with their thoughts and loves and lives, have all lived on this one small planet. Our tiny, protective, lovely pale blue dot. All of them have never left. They have just become one with the earth and that is it. There was nowhere else to go, and there is no trace of you left after you go. The only fragments remaining are thoughts, and words that may get passed on if you left behind some work that benefits man. And even those will rust. So basically, your area of impact, for an average person... is simply the lives you have touched while you are living. That's it. And there can be beauty in that interaction... because while you live... you can choose to carry those people forward and think of yourself as a collective, and not an individual. In that mindspace, all the tenets of being good, acting with pride and restraint, offering help and comfort and understanding... all of it instinctively feels right. There is beauty in giving back... and this life is such a privilege. In the short while that you are here, what are the ways in which you can pay your rent?

And as the fire rages... when it envelops me someday - what it would seem like to me? If all I had was slight consciousness and no pain. Seeing it from the inside, with acceptance...would it just be like a beautiful warm blanket? Would there be poetry in the way I slowly disseminate and become one with what gave me life? The embrace of the winds and the earth...would that blanket be soft? 

The Overview Effect

Looking at live videos of the earth from outer space. Couldn't define the feeling. Like one of profound oneness and fragility. All that matters, will perish one day.
Beautifully, heart breakingly, softly, slowly, without noise or maybe with. And yet this speck is a part of the whole. Such a privilege. :)

Qualities I love

I have been thinking a lot lately about the qualities I appreciate in people, things that I admire the most:

Topmost would be: 

Concern. If someone cares for you, when the going gets tough, and manages to stick it out with you - they are worth keeping around. And worth doing your best for!

Everyone has battles to fight. Some of us have simultaneous ones. But if someone manages to give you a bit of their time while fighting theirs, they are worth their weight in gold.

Loyalty. This doesn't need an explanation.

Responsibility. It comes in many forms. Sometimes, it's just about taking charge of your self and your actions. 

The most precious quality to me though - is an ability to carry people forward. Not everything in life will be perfect all the time. Realizations don't come when the movies tell you they are supposed to come. But all it takes is one person to believe in you - and things magically change. Years ago, I had a teacher who believed, and her two kind words turned a potential loss into a complete win. It was a moment that is ingrained in my memory, because it told me how much I respond to someone's faith in me. 

People who can see who you are and who you can be and encourage you to flourish - are simply the best sort! 

I hope to be that person for someone someday, and I hope I find someone who does the same for me. :) 

Building a future with someone like that would be simply incredible! 

**happiness**

One of the notes from Sapiens

Excerpt: “How long can we separate the wall of biology from the walls of law and political science?”

Interesting to note how laws might change if we try to insert biology into it. That means a fundamental shift and bucketing of people will occur. Ethics under this realm could lead to greater divides, either with the races or with individual, and the justification at this point would be scientific. 
Paradoxically, the people appointed to cook up these laws may still be operating within their own opinionated realm and thus the universality of the laws could be skewed in the favour of the person's own belief. This would justify Hitler's beliefs etc, because that too was skewed only towards biology and the worship of fitter, better looking, and more athletic humans. The problem with most laws is that, there is no agreed upon way forward for the human race. So since we don't have a cumulative north star, we are unable to decide what steps need to be taken. Nor is the collective given more importance than the individual.

Say we could actually find a way to unite under a common goal, would the goal:
1. Stay constant ad infinitum?
2. Would everyone agree that it is the way forward and give up personal gain in the favour of collective gain?

It's similar to the concept of communism in my mind. It works really well, only if everyone agrees to it. If even one person disagrees, the whole system collapses.

Plus in times of disagreement, most laws go out the window and talks break down. So anarchy can once again be the order of the day.

Interesting points to ponder on. 

Musings on a sunny day

Some days I get bogged down by life, and some days I have moments of serenity. Some days it's hard to go on. Some days there is just cold hard purpose.
On particularly cold sunny days, I listen to the Barenaked Ladies and life seems like a road trip. (Pinch Me) :)
But the best days are those, when you stretch and stretch and stretch.
And you choose love. Not for anyone else, but for you. Because love is breezy, it's full of promise and it doesn't make you small.
I think I'm slowly understanding the battles that take place within, when your insecurities clash with the person you want to be. Anger is like a whirlwind that keeps you caged in, every gust a stroke of pain. You would rather avoid it. Maturity might just entail allowing the hits to happen, and finding a way to deal with the pain. Because pain can only have power over you if you allow it to. It's okay to give yourself room to grow and make mistakes. Life is a long term continuum, no act is complete in itself. It took me so many years to grasp that concept. 
I feel like I'm leaving childhood behind now. It's slow, but it is happening. Makes me happy.

Switching to: Lovers in a dangerous time/Brian Wilson

The end of 2017

I wanted to write something that reflects on and ties up all my experiences this year, but where do I start?
2017 has been so good, so educational, so long!
So much has changed this year. A slow unfolding dynamic that started somewhere in 2016 and is taking shape now. 

Let me do a listicle on this one:

In 2017, I discovered that:
1. Effort is where the fun is at! Getting your hands dirty is a good way to find satisfaction.
2. Reading, and understanding new concepts is an aphrodisiac. 
3. A north star is what steadies you, especially in times of doubt.
4. Doing what is necessary is important, even if it is distasteful af.
5. Sometimes it's good to think less and do more
6. Keep the good ones close, let the bad eggs go. 
7. Acceptance is key. Things that were set in motion when you had no control over them, do not have to have power over you always.
8. Lovers, both new and old, teach you about a dimension of love. The joy of that discovery is one of the sweetest things ever.
9. Clarity and purpose comes from a strong and defined center, it's important to invest time developing that.
10. If all else fails, turn up the volume and daaaaance. :)

Hope 2018 turns out even better than this year! **grin**

Imagined Orders

Mid way through reading Sapiens and can't help but wonder. 

What if all the imagined orders of the world were to break?
Would it be liberating? Or just regular ol chaos?

(-.-)

So here's what I have discovered about this slippery thing called clarity. 
The world says you need it. The books make it sound like all your problems get solved once you have it. It's pretty much the unlock key for better levels.
So you try and try and try to get it. Cuz that shit be hard.

And if you try hard enough...someday...you get a glimpse of it! 
(What a high, self celebrations cuz woohoo!)
Then you realise...
(and this is what makes it amazing)
Noooo-one else has it. 
*eyeroll*

100 article mark!

Dayum! Did not know I had blogged so much...< insert poignant text >

Doing what is necessary...

...sucks at times. Like big, giant donkey schwangs. But it must be done nonetheless. 

A bittersweet thought

While looking at the same thing or event - some people see potential, some others see flaws.

Seeing the former, makes you hopeful. The latter makes things binary. I guess that's why I like Kintsugi - as an art and a concept and a way of life. :) 

Axis

The world keeps spinning
little by little
into the distance
Moving on, in the darkness
towards a place
most of us can't see 

Every little thing
so neat, so precise
makes me wonder now
not really now, but how
the eternal came to be

We had no part to play
we just came into being
the moment had to be right
the place divine
right place, right time

And if everything is just so
why do we try to control
when flowing is just so easy?

All it takes 
is a little time,
a little smile,
to unwind
and maybe, just maybe
to find