'Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost'
- Milan Kundera
This line basically surmises all that I felt for you. You made me so aware of myself and all that I lack, but want. It broke my being in ways I had never encountered before. There were days when I felt as if I was being torn into two and I could feel every rip. I couldn't even run away, you just held me in place and made me endure the break repeatedly. And I did. Even when I thought I couldn't stretch more, I somehow managed to do it. For me. And in a juvenile way, for you. These are thoughts that I am sure you would not understand or relate to, because I suspect your vision is myopic. You utter thoughts that express your need to seek depth and meaning, yet your actions are shallow and irresponsible. I find that so fascinating. Time, however, has done its thing. The storm you subjected me to, has slowly passed. I no longer wake up engulfed in fear. The primalness of what I felt is being replaced by a sense of purpose and direction. Two things that I find comfort and meaning in. Slowly, I have allowed myself to stand in place and feel my fears fully. And now I am well on my way to attain all of the missing pieces that my life was lacking. Soon, there will come a day when I have them as well. And that thought scares me. I think in a way, it has been my biggest fear, and the reason why I have always allowed myself to be 'flawed'. The flaws were my comfort zone, ones I felt kept me from making horrific mistakes with people. I have often felt like I have some degree of power and influence over people I know, and I actively avoid that particular realisation. Flaws allow for lesser power and lesser influence. Power corrupts, it makes you ruthless. Power is so much responsibility. I always choose the path of obstacles or put in self imposed limits, unconsciously. Which brings me to the thought that is pertinent to my love for you. If I were all that I could be, if I didn't put any limits to myself and really owned it instead - would there ever be a place for you in my life? If there is no part of me that is missing - would there be anything left for you to fulfill? Or is the bigger question this - if one doesn't need anyone, then what becomes the basis of love? Is it like an end unto itself?
- Milan Kundera
This line basically surmises all that I felt for you. You made me so aware of myself and all that I lack, but want. It broke my being in ways I had never encountered before. There were days when I felt as if I was being torn into two and I could feel every rip. I couldn't even run away, you just held me in place and made me endure the break repeatedly. And I did. Even when I thought I couldn't stretch more, I somehow managed to do it. For me. And in a juvenile way, for you. These are thoughts that I am sure you would not understand or relate to, because I suspect your vision is myopic. You utter thoughts that express your need to seek depth and meaning, yet your actions are shallow and irresponsible. I find that so fascinating. Time, however, has done its thing. The storm you subjected me to, has slowly passed. I no longer wake up engulfed in fear. The primalness of what I felt is being replaced by a sense of purpose and direction. Two things that I find comfort and meaning in. Slowly, I have allowed myself to stand in place and feel my fears fully. And now I am well on my way to attain all of the missing pieces that my life was lacking. Soon, there will come a day when I have them as well. And that thought scares me. I think in a way, it has been my biggest fear, and the reason why I have always allowed myself to be 'flawed'. The flaws were my comfort zone, ones I felt kept me from making horrific mistakes with people. I have often felt like I have some degree of power and influence over people I know, and I actively avoid that particular realisation. Flaws allow for lesser power and lesser influence. Power corrupts, it makes you ruthless. Power is so much responsibility. I always choose the path of obstacles or put in self imposed limits, unconsciously. Which brings me to the thought that is pertinent to my love for you. If I were all that I could be, if I didn't put any limits to myself and really owned it instead - would there ever be a place for you in my life? If there is no part of me that is missing - would there be anything left for you to fulfill? Or is the bigger question this - if one doesn't need anyone, then what becomes the basis of love? Is it like an end unto itself?
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