Ugh. Gotta meet cousin and I do not want to. Man, I'm such a grouch. Mostly cuz I dislike having to extend pleasantaries with folks I have no interest in cultivating an equation with lol. It feels so false. 

Anyway.

There's a lot of good anime that I have missed, I really wanna just watch some good, fun ones. Been soooo long. All my pipe dreams and wishes show up on weekends, baggage and all. 

~

Summit of the gods. Gotta see that today. Man, it looks soooo good to see rock climbing. I would love to. Scale a mountain ooh la la!

Cleaning done, rating tanked and now just enjoying the breeze outside. I love late nights. You know. All the surge of fondness I felt for him tonight, and I'll admit... I intermittently do. It would be such a bummer to someday discover that he is evil or something lol. It's easy to feel fondly of someone in isolation. Well I hope he isn't all that, what to say. 

One must dream of a better tomorrow, and for a nicer sun to shine. I have the strength to run miles but I do not have the willingness to deal with bad, mean behaviour. I hit my limit and I'm done with that. I don't believe in making an effort for someone who doesn't make any for me, so I won't. I'll only forgive if he says sorry and does it directly. Or maybe I just don't truly care. Heh, I got my own back for once. 💪🏼 People need to be nice, courteous and soft as a pillow for me to love them lol. 

~> and we are back on earth for regular scheduled programming. 

~

Omg matthew posted again wow. After so long. And a kings gambit game no less hell yeah. Legit the best, most enthusiastic teacher I've seen in a looooong time. Top notch quality man. Awww and everyone is welcoming him back, he truly has a lot of people who respect him. Well earned tbh.  Wooohoo, pre sleep yt scenes for me! 

Good music on a run. So nice. I've started trying longer distances unconsciously. All the pain and stress feels so good when it's a longer distance.

~

There's a moment where you feel like you can go forever. And it's such a lovely point. Makes me feel infinite. Then over the last few miles you feel like you might die. That makes me feel mortal asf and creaky haha. Whatever 💪🏼

~

I need to do so much more work tonight I'm so tired. 😩

I also need a haircut, my hair is so long now. I kinda like it. God the tragedy of being a girl is the perpetual grooming one needs to do. And yet I like hairy dudes. Haha. All this because I am attracted to hairy dudes why can't they like hairy women huh? 😱😭 Hahahhaha fuck. Omg. 

Post run always makes me a bit frisky. I recall being soooooo turned on when I saw this guy in his white shirt, just that tiny bit of chest hair made me fucking wet. It's soooo rare for me to react like this haha. I remember when I first came across him I thought he would be a good fling. How very use and throw of me, huh? Man, I legit did not have a higher opinion of him beyond that. Just a couple of weeks and dip out and forget. And he was just soooo like... Tightly wrapped haha... Like an angry, emotional burrito. 🌯 Hahahaha. Omg that's actually it. I felt so protectively fond of him very early on, it was sooooo amusing and cute to see someone that nutty.  Lust didn't win out for me, huh? Damn. 

Oh well. Que sera sera.

There's many different ways to fall in love I guess, it can grow in different soils. But I would definitely love it if I feel this way the next time around tbh. Real, alive and genuine. 

~

Aaand it's raining again, so pretty. It's been such a hot summer that this feels great ngl. 

Ugh. I wanna do a cleaning sess too rn. Sheesh. Entire house. Let's do it. 💪🏼

Finally finished Master and Margherita. How interesting that a lot of the Russians reviewing it like the Margherita and Master part more than pilate. I suppose all the craziness of it mimics society so well that I would have definitely not got all of the allegory. Hmmm. Man, it's sad to miss out on inflections of things, huh?  But I guess I can't spend more time on it. Tis what tis. I suppose older, religious folks can't really get behind using scriptures for an altered take on what they consider holy. There's that.

Read into the night after so long tbh. Hard to not be a teeny bit cranky rn.  Hehe, like a baby. Little less sleep so wanna go waaahhh! Sleep is the bestest omg. One of the pure joys of life lol. 

~

I need a shower also 🙄. And have to take cousin out for lunch tomo omg. 🙄 I wish to simply sleep in instead. Anti social 💪🏼

Subway takes is becoming one of my fav insta channels lol. Just heard something so diabolical that it simply made me laugh lots omg. Pettiness is an essential ingredient of success ahahaha. Omggg. That's just 🤌🏼 I am yet to find a take that's better than this, just peak bullshit. Throwing in Et Tu Anthony was pure class. Haha. 

~

Sometimes I wish I had that level of wit and insight, it's really soooooo funny to encounter. 

~

"Three lamps appeared on the table before the procurator, and the moonlit night at once retreated to the garden, as if Aphranius had led it away with him."

Just the phrasing is so gentle and beautiful here. 

~

There was a time I saw something so very cruel. It was a news post I came across but the sheer cruelty of it defeated me. It made me feel like crying out in anguish, and at the same time... there was a feeling of despair. Like the person who did that was simply so unreachable in their actions that there was no point to even explaining to them that what they did was inhumane. I don't ever like to write about it, or even share it with anyone. Well, one time that I did tell someone that person laughed and I was stunned. And idk. It made me genuinely want to weep for mankind. As theatrical as it may sound to write it down but that utter despair I felt at the stupidity of people along with their incomparable, just infinite dumbness that can and is so often the baseline for cruelty made me feel defeated asf. Like they have no ability to comprehend the heinousness of their actions. Fuck. That was the one moment, in a small way I kind of understood the role of empathy that made jesus want to die for mankind. Maybe I was a better person back then, to have felt this way so instinctively. It stayed with me for days. And it still does till today, although it's not very front and centre anymore. But I did feel like at some level I got it, I got how terrible it must feel to have empathy and not the power to change or save anyone. It is a very hurtful state of being. People never really talk about that, do they? In my own way, I've always separated spirituality from religion, because I do believe that if the notion of God is true, then it is infinite and you cannot bind it down to any tiny set of rules and scriptures. I feel some things are only learnt from experience and perusal of knowledge, there cannot be a substitute for it. Maybe that's why the chapters on Pilate are so engrossing for me. Matthew Levi's contempt, his angst. Idk man. I know the point of this book and these chapters aren't this but it's a direction that intrigued me a lot. 

Why do humans make so many mistakes yo? And why do we not have the capacity to do better? Can empathy and power coexist side by side? Idk. I do believe repentance and forgiveness need to be within a few steps of each other. 

Lol. Or maybe I do not know anything at all. And I digress. Heh. From subway takes to this, it's been a journey, huh?

Peanuts are the tastiest nut ever. Omg. If only they weren't so loaded I'd totally stuff my face with them every day. Just the best. Hehe. Liking nuts. 🥜 🤭

Stupid shit makes me laugh even now. Like. Idk. I know it's dumb as hell. But maybe that's the allure.

Saw this fellow play today and again he lost that match haha. My bad vibes killing his game. 💪🏼 Whatever suck it. Hehe, I'm being a dixx for no reason other than love for the game. 

~

I am in love with the Pontius Pilate part of M&M. Damn it's just so good. It's even simply written but it feels like there's such a weight to it. I am so glad I am cherishing this book. 

~

Mindfully I must navigate this book. 

Getting so carried away with so much to do. I feel like life should have some totem to use as a grounding mechanism, just to come back down to earth. 

~

This overt enthusiasm works well for sports I suppose cuz you can channel the energy, but it is tough to redirect it when you have to finish tasks. I wish I'd just gone towards sports sometimes lol. Dammit. Paths not taken. 

~

Now I need to check and see how everyone is playing chess just to burn off some of this enthu I'm feeling this bright shiny day. 

Seeing the trailer of obsession and wow. That's a very cool concept. Also a fucking nightmare. Jeez. Man, the very idea that a wish can take away your free will is soooo insane. I think the actress that plays Nikki also seems quite talented. Can't say I'll see this film but damn. Heh. I bet people who have dated such folks will shit their pants too. This much craziness is. Idek. 💀 

Heh, it's interesting that the idea of this is probably a lot more potent than the film. Like it'll at some point hit the non realistic realm, but the real horror is when there's people like this and that gone girl chick. It's scary enough in women, in men I cannot even fathom. That must be a nightmare. Omggg I feel a shiver down my spine rn. Ffs. 

~

"Careful what you wish for"

...is such good advice lol. 

I've always had this thought at the back of my mind cuz I really do feel it's unethical to wish for anything people based. Only stuff like gimme benign things is okay. Like idk chocolate rn or something silly. 

Welp, this horror film is deffo not for me. Somehow feel as if the trailer might be a tad better than the film overall but who knows. Or is it some other film people have been talking about? Ugh. Idk. I'll try watching the chair to get a flavour of this director. Lmc. 

~

I wonder what living in a nightmare would be like for people? What different versions would crop up? My earliest one was trying to escape some place but eyes are too droopy and I'm falling asleep while someone is chasing me. At a train station. It was about the only time I've had a nightmare that was recurring. Man, but that feeling of not being able to leave was intense.

~

I'm also fascinated with pomegranates rn. Hmmm. I wanna sketch some. 

~

Omg the chair is FUCKING TERRIFYING. Sheesh. Mooooooooommmmmm 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly, 

Man got to sit and wonder "Why, why, why?'

Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land, Man got to tell himself he understand.

~

Vonnegut was a genius, I really find him so unique

Effin bullet is so thrilling man. I could go for hoursssss. 😭

~

Peace. 

~

Yesterday this guys' friend popped up on my insta. Out of the blue. Did a double take. Sheeeit. Jumpscared and what not. I hope he found someone tbh, I think he is a nice dude with a whole lot of sexual demons lol. Well, I wish him the best. I spoke to him at a time where I felt so very unappreciated and unloved that it made me feel very cherished in that moment. And I will always be grateful for that, cuz it made me suddenly realise that hey... I'm missing out on someone being nice. And that was quite eye opening. So yeah. I guess some people can just be there right time right place to teach you a lesson, best to learn it. Knight in kaleidoscopic bright lol. He would have appreciated that I think.  It's a tad bit much but I'm generous if anything. In a sea of hurt, sometimes these things stick out like an island to cling to. It's sad, but that's life. 

That phase is over for me, the weird insecurity and what not. But yeah. I am grateful for that respite. Did me a good turn, ergo I must wish him the best in return. 

~ aaaand it's time to work. 💯

Buzzing around just so busyyyy today. That feeling when you are in flow and have little to no time to breathe is kinda good. I enjoy it immensely. 

~>

No time for much else today but that's good and I'm glad. 

 💀 Yep, as predicted. One a.m. and I'm awake yippee! 

~

Master and Margherita just does not end lol. There's still a tiny bit left. Russian lit tends to be so heavy. I can't seem to finish it in one go like I do others. I must have read the Judas of Kiriath chapter thrice by now. I can't quite describe why it's so interesting and fascinating to me. Hippodromes and Herod and the entirety of a civilization and a way of life so very foreign to us, and yet so essential and instrumental to the world we have today. 

If I could choose to travel in time, I'd either like to go back millennia just to see what it was like , or simply forward. 

~

Slept super late but woke up super fresh. And I have to start waking up earlier god knows how I'm going to do that lol. Herculean task, my Achilles heel is early mornings. It's okay, I'll become like those oldies that run 10 k at 5 am 💪🏼

Sometimes there are coincidences that make me think. Something that's coming to me on 9th dec, a date I've always considered lucky for me. And it happened cuz I did the work today. That's so nice tbh. It wasn't planned, it just worked out as it were. 

It's nice. Makes me feel cozy. That's a really nice thing. 

~

I have to runnnn omg it's so late. There goes my sleep cycle yet again. 🥺 Sleep is for the WEAK!

~

Mid way through a semi slow day and M is back at it with her posturing over ... Heh idc if someone leaves me. Responding to Dosto and Kafka quotes no less. Man, the sheer muggleness of it all. 😞

~

I find this much immaturity very off putting, really. 

~

Man, I gotta read something good. It's been ages since I found something engrossing and engaging. Idk why, maybe I'm just not scouting things enough. Hmmm. Lmc. I'll do some looking around tonight. 

There was a time I would get excited when this guy used to play moves I calculated, cuz it felt nice. Over time I've noticed the games he most tends to lose are ones where he plays moves I too can calculate 🤣😭. Oh boy. What a bun hahahaha. Could not stop laughing when it finally struck me. 

Oi vey. 🤌🏼

~> 

Whatever, he is a meansie so he can lose those idc. 😤 

Wanna flip him off today idk why. Quarterly urge hahah. 🖕🏼😌🖕🏼Anything is better than feeling fondness. Touche. 

Stupid Cobolli. What a trash match. The number of stupid mistakes and still that guy won. 5th set down the drain... Only meddy has played a final I hated more ugh. Should have just watched a movie. 🙄