Really enjoying the knight odds bot tbh. It's so damn good. Would love to see more experienced players try their hand at fucking with it haha. I doubt they'd succeed at short controls but it's still so damn good to watch. Still remember how it crushed fabi completely that was nuts. 

Knew I'd have a nightmare and I did. Ugh. I just hope. No matter what... I hope everyone and I mean EVERYONE fucking takes care of themselves responsibly. Ugh. Can't even dislike a person in peace without getting nightmares about them sheesh. 

Ivan

https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/itjoEQIEPM

The first pic on here just broke my heart. On a casual day, just scrolling before bed only to find the most gruesome photo I have possibly ever seen in my life. Oh lord. Sometimes I genuinely feel if I could talk to god, any god... Any god that exists I would really want to know why? Just why? 

I have tears in my eyes rn and I know they are pointless asf but dammit dude. From the bottom of my heart I wish I could alleviate all this suffering. Damn man. Pictures like these just put entire lives in perspective. 

Always, pick love and kindness because there's enough fuckers out there who aren't able to. Bless this man who gave her a good life. 

This might possibly be the most visceral picture I have ever seen in my life. 

I just learnt the word Putz. And I really wanna call someone this. Hahahahhaha. Hahahaha fuck. Putz.

You are such a Putz.  Ugh I wish I could use it on someone...What a Putz. Hahahahahha shit. I love this. Why is this word so cuuute? ♥️ 

Kanye west is a raging anti semite? Wtf man. Who knew. These people are so addled in the head to just go around talking about hitler etc being cool like what in the woooorld. How fucking despicable. And the complete irony of a person of colour saying that like bruh what in the world. 🙄. Some people really just need an epic ass kicking. 

I am stunned at the writings of Jorge Luis Borges holy fuck why have I never read him before? What a way to write sci fi man. Daaaamn. Stuck by the idea of the library of Babel. Ffs. So damn good. 

Ninjutsu

Sometimes I wonder if people don't feel possessive does that mean they simply don't care? Or is it simply my blind spot? Funny how emotions can be tbh. Hard to separate projection at times. The one genuine answer lies with the stoics in that don't ever get attached to anything and you can be free. But damn it's hard huh. 

Ugh. 

Complete cock. 

~

Also, I find it soooo hard to give myself credit for anything ever. It feels like it'll lead to complacency maybe idk. But just seeing some offhand vid of neimann where he is creating his good guy arc and idk. Something about such a youngling striving also makes me feel like sooo many people out there have so many uphill battles. Some of their own making but fucking uphill nonetheless. Gotta really have a tough mindset no matter what. It's crazy how much disciple is needed and how easy it is to slide by as well. The curse of good enough eh? Hmmm. 

~

Well, here's to consistency and to holding down the fort for our own selves. 

"The best is yet to come."

That shall be my way of the ninja. Hehe. 

At times I spectate games and it feels really good to see a 2600+ IM beat someone like Jobava etc. Esp with a 400 point difference in rating I bet they actually think and play. Feels good man. May they all get better so I can root against them later and root for some upstart hehe.

I don't know if Gregor Samsa is pitiful or something else but my god do I associate him with someone. It feels awful that my mind just makes this connect and yet I instinctively see that character in that person. Damn dude. Sucks. 

~

It feels like a very pitiful thought to me and I feel so bad for him actually. Damn dude. Sometimes peoples' lives make me so sad. 

~

Okay rereading this story was a mistake... I feel so much pity at this character wtf. It's so disturbing and saaaaad dammit. Oh man. Why why why did I read ittttt? 😭 Fuck dude. Sometimes empathy is a curse and how. I just feel so goddamn bad I want to fix it for him lmao. Of all the irrational urges. Some authors capture pain in such an evocative way man. Fuck. I never interpreted this story as I do now. And it is making me feel nauseated tbh. 

Always knew Kafka was a genius but just now I'm realising he was a man of immense empathy. 

Oh man. I have to work really hard this year. I think somewhere I'm very happy about that. Not happy exactly but that sense of purpose kind of makes it good. I'm anyway feeling myself detach from peeps around me and idk I feel like that ok maybe I just need objectives to fulfill for the time being. Really fed up with everything else tbh. So fuck it. Let me just be consistent and keep tracking progress too. FoF needs to be overcome for this one thing lol. I have to tackle it. 

Tonight I feel like Franny! 

Idk what it is about sudden heat waves and the general sultriness in the air that makes me grouchy. 

Reminds me of this from the one book that taught me about the value of experience. 

~

"I’m not afraid to compete. It’s just the opposite. Don’t you see that? I’m afraid I will compete - that’s what scares me. That’s why I quit the Theatre Department. Just because I’m so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else’s values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn’t make it right. I’m ashamed of it. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I’m sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash.”

Like her...

I'm just so sick sick sick of it all. 

~

Who knew this tiny novella I picked up on a whim, which I first read and thought what hooey why they so whiny! Will end up being a book I revisit and remember at so many diff points and GOOOODDDDD I hate that I understand it lmfao. Fuck that sucks ass, truly. 

~

I wanna go bungee jump or something just so sick of everyone and everything and going stir crazy. This must be that dreaded midlife crisis dayum. 

Kindergarten

Something severely wrong with the chess world man. Like. How are they sooooo juvenile just cribbing about their convos on twitter and all 😭😭😭😭😭😭 

It's like a bunch of teenage gossips chiiii. Magnus too has become sooooo lame. 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Grown men with parents accompanying them on work and taking messages ugh 😩😩😩😩😩 

" Second star to the right, and straight on till morning! "

Ugh. What a pretty line. Just so easy to capture beauty in such a simple way. Absolutely gold. 

Wish fulfilment extraordinaire 

Knick knacks

I am so excited that these candles have a remote and I can actually use it from far fuuuuck...omggggg. Istg technology rocks!!! Bruuuh and it even has a timer who knew these are things I needed WHO KNEWWWWW

I had this nxf2 right after I misclicked and went na4 instead of nb5. And then I see a similar motif in a game I'd been meaning to check out. Ugh. Sometimes coincidences are so nice. 

 

Ego

I've always considered it to be the last refuge of the weak. Like cornered animals striking out. And it's only when I feel weak I get defensive too. When I witness it in people, esp ones who feel the need to demean others in order to highlight themselves - I feel this urge to just give it a reality check. And those checks often times turn me into an ascerbic person too. It's a shocking personality trait that only rears it's ugly head in situations where I chalk them into a win lose scenario. But that's my line in the sand too. If I speak to you and am nice, then you have to bring the same level of respect and decency to the table. If you can't abide by those basic rules of engagement then well, that will lead to an ego clash. The sad part is that I don't actually enjoy being mean to someone but my gooood it's very hard to look the other way when someone outright tries to disrespect. And I know the aftermath will simply breed resentment because... Well because people who do that are sooo fucking fragile that the minute you show them a mirror they'll cower and then internally hate you. Ugh. See, that's the thing. I don't know temperance when it boils down to a win lose. I have never once struck out at someone vindictively on my own, but the last few years have genuinely tested my resolve and my patience. And when questions like " hmm who do you think you are even? " Followed by vitriol with the intent to hurt sets in, that's very, very tough to overcome. And I know that bit is my ego that's fighting against what I see as injustice to me. So it's not rational at times, but I suppose when you come in contact with someone who is uber sensitive and prone to lashing out, that becomes a somewhat de facto response in order to protect yourself. 

Oh lord these stupid ego battles man...honestly no good comes of them but daaaamn. A lot of times when I would witness C speak to her, in my mind I would be appalled. Like howwww howww can you tolerate that vibe for days on end? But I guess with him it's tempered with niceness and care? I don't know. Sometimes I see that care, other times I'm like holy fuck. But then I have put up with a lot worse with M. That ego and the kind of constant self focus was never tempered by any care or decency so technically I'm sure she isn't wrong when she is like what do you see in this person. That was a good question. I don't know what I saw? Hmmm. I guess. Idk. I suppose I had an imaginary version of him in my mind, the version that was nice. And in holding on to that version, I made concessions for all other behaviour thinking yeah maybe it's just a person that's decent underneath all that. I don't believe that anymore I think underneath is a person that is a lot worse than I can imagine now. Lmao. Shit. Sobering thought huh? 

Yeah. Whatever I can say of C... The thing is he does bring a caring vibe to the equation. And I guess that's what is so important. I see her more or less taking care of finances between them and neither her not I ever thought less of him or anyone for not making money etc. But the non negotiable for both of us has been respect and care. I'm glad it's the same for me. At some point I was beginning to think it wasn't. Lol made numerous attempts to walk but then used to go back thinking maybe person isn't that bad. I think in the past I showed a lot of care and support to this guy too, but the lack of care and decency from his end, the egoistic bs, the weird need he had to even show me how high and mighty he is, instead of being grateful for how good and caring I had consistently been to him... Yeah that's quite unpardonable tbh. It's very important in life to learn to be humble and grateful. Because the world is filled with colossal idiots who can do you harm. If you turn your well wishers into enemies in the end all you'll get are people who feel the need to write shit about you a decade after knowing you. Which is why it's important never to hurt someone's pride. Heh. It's interesting how even good businessmen know that. That's why they are good at business cuz they intrinsically have very good people skills. Not manipulation, not trying to "stack pieces" etc. that's all bullshit. It's just humility and regard that always wins respect and consideration. 

Heh...it's a funny thing, ego. It makes you feel like it's protecting you... But all it's really doing is sounding a loud horn about what makes you weak. It's not bad to be weak. It's perfectly fine and natural at times. But it is bad to not realise it and continue to be in a state of hypersensitivity. That's what makes it sad to the onlooker who can see the entire battle you are waging against yourself. Funny thing about even M's ego when I see it in these instances where he can't make things better etc. I guess he feels like he would be wiped out and negated if he has to admit he cares about someone and wants them to not leave him. What he perceives as begging I suppose. Interestingly, for me... It's soooo important to feel like I'm cared for and wanted that this trait is super at odds with his. Which is ironic because he himself has such a deep need to feel valued and appreciated. It's so fundamental to him, and yet he can't provide the same for someone else. Go figure. Maybe it's like a famine mindset idk. "Like all appreciation must come my way cuz I'm so in need of it, I can't let the spotlight be on someone else." I feel sorry for him if that's true. It must be hell to need something so deeply. I am not insecure in that regard so showing someone value has never made me feel like I'm depleting mine. It's actually a source of happiness for me to see someone feel cared for and comfortable. Well, his insecurities are on him ya. Can't solve stuff for a grown man. These are things people figure out in their 20s that too like. 

Like Atkinson says, with enough distance life is funny. Let's just fine the humor in it all. Heh. Let my also try my best to not be consumed by mine and forget temperance. "You never know the full story, so the best choice is to be kind despite it all." Words I've tried to always be my guiding force, and rn it's very, very hard to adhere to them, but I will try with all my might to uphold the promise I made myself. Really have to dig deep to find the strength to do that this once hehe. Yeah. I don't want to be the person who has to have such mean thoughts towards someone or this weird urge to want to hurt their ego. I know I'm hurt... I know it's unfair... I know it's fucking batshit crazy that he can pry on my life fucking 20 odd times a day like he was in December only to behave like this now. Lmao. Lunatic. Buuuuut. I did choose to care so I haaaave to dig deep and find a way to move past all this without vitriol because that is who I wish to be. Fuck. Soooo tough rn but nvm. I'll keep trying. Heh...let me treat skeptical racists with consideration. Fuck it. I can do it. Last mile, eh? SOOOOOONNNN :)