I'm over the hurt, pain and sadness. I think I might feel annoyed from time to time but more or less, I'm kinda over it. Finally. It feels good to let it flow. And I am slowly becoming happy again.
Wrote this huge thing about endings, and by the time I was done, all the fear and venom and loathing left me. And then I deleted it because meanness isn't me, neither is holding on to sad things. Good. I'm proud of that. Things will be different from now.
The best fathers are not just men who are strong, but also men who are gentle with their partners and calm and happy with their kids. Seeing how a man treats his woman, and women in general has a huge impact on children. Kids have a small world, their parents form a huge impact on them growing up. Seeing a dad be goofy, cringe, embarassing and more or less like a big buddy is what I think helps kids come into their own. When I see V... The way he takes care of his wife... Simple gestures which are so unspoken between them... Carries her bag randomly for her, is so affectionate, she is even unaware of it most times because he is like that always and it's incredible to me because it's that security of knowing he is always there. And it's hella cute for a guy in the military, one who does covert ops be this wonderfully in love with his wife. I'm sure he would be a great dad. Ditto C. Not that they would want kids but I see the same nice gestures. When we got to her place, he opened the door and just took her bags from her... It's these little domestic moments that give you a sense of relief.
You can always have moment of frustration and fights etc. But there's a mean you come back to when you feel secure which you don't have to doubt because you know you are respected and cherished. These ladies have that and I'm v happy for them. Their lives give me a glimpse of mundane utopia that I love. I'll never take any of this for granted. It's taken me a very long time to get my lens right and to define what's right and what's wrong, but now that I have, no compromises ever.
Hehe, even seeing one pewds video of his trip was so wholesome. Just warm, friendly, loving vibes. He is a great dad! Just absolutely so in love with his kid. :)
Oi veyyyy... I feel like emo, but I also feel centered.
It feels like peace is returning to my life. And I think it just stems from knowing what I want now. I won't get swayed by anything that doesn't fit the bill. And I think it's okay to take my time and sort of build a foundation with someone. I doubt I'd fall in love in a rush, rather I'd like it to be slow and steady and sweet. Get to know each other softly, have a sense of bonding and kinship, the works. I miss falling asleep talking to someone on the phone, taking about our day, having him suddenly sing me a song lol, I used to loooove that. Talking at night always had a special place in my heart. Just the quiet and you and me. And you tell me everything on your mind and I listen to you speak your heart out, knowing I'm the only one in the world you feel so safe and happy with. Cheesy as it sounds, I'll do my best to make you smile too. Goof around lots. Delicious. I look forward to a time when that again becomes a part of my life. ♥️
Watching some games by GM Matthew Sadler wow. He is sooo good such amazing crazy positions on the board. What a risky player I absolutely fine him stunning. Easily the sharpest player I've seen so far wow. Was fucking with that Joe ASSad also. Idk why I'm being mean to him but fuck him also who cares.
https://lichess.org/zCbITfHu/white
LOVED this and the game before it zomg. What a way to play d4 so fucking insane lmao.
Oh wow checking him out and he quit chess in his 20s and is still a fucking 2694 dayum. Plays like a total beast and works in IT too. Fuck dude, some insanely smart folks out there I love this. Respect.
https://lichess.org/BIz2mKcC/white
That Lil piece of calculation in the end omg. How does he do it?! Fuck even the middle game. I love this.
Having a conversation with V and he is so sweet. A tough military dude but a nice guy too. Lately, I've been so down in the dumps that even small gestures have started making me feel gooey. How did I reach this point where bare minimum kindness makes me feel happy? I guess when you have been deprived of it for so long, it feels nice. He sent me and R an ice cream just because lol. His wife is a lucky woman.
Haha. He is the only one who realised it, but he is a musician so why would he not? :D
O Dostoevsky. You are such a genius. Reading this was eye opening, it's a great piece of writing. He catches on to people and behaviours so easily. Even this is a complete account of narcissistic abuse.
I noticed that at times people who are manipulative tend to try and find out what you like and dislike and then try to make you crave the thing you like by withholding it from you. Which is the theme of this story too. Always keeping you underfed and servile so you keep craving their attention and in turn their bottomless pit of need gets fed because they are so... Well honestly I find narcissists to be immensely pathetic and loserish. But man, so utterly toxic.
How damaged do you have to be, to treat someone this way? The protagonist in this one ends up killing herself in the end and in some small way I understand why. When someone just repeatedly depletes you, you just become a shell of yourself. All the happiness and joy, everything leaves you. Interestingly, even dementors are an analogy for a narcissist in some way. But the best way to dispel them? Just find a memory of a time you were happy and tell them begone! 💯💪
I would never want a kid to see their mother insulted. Never. That's the picture that keeps popping into my mind every time I am made to feel unwanted and overlooked. I know how much it scarred me to see my mom not receive love and validation the way she wanted and she spent her life craving it. And I hated my dad for being detached and not showing her affection the way she needed it shown. I still resent him sometimes for it.
But when I see this image in my mind and imagine if I have a child, I would never ever want the kid to see the father treat their mother with indifference and disrespect or see her hurt and internalise it within themselves and then proceed to get into shit relationships cuz they keep craving love. I won't do that to an innocent soul ever.
So I guess, keeping this image in mind has to be my pivot going forward. And the choices I make need to stem from me wanting to create a genuine, authentic future. Not be left in the dark, not be left hurting, not be stranded. But actively choose only those whose values I'd like a child to imbibe and how they treat me and how a kid would view that treatment is the focal point I'll keep as my centre from now. Even for myself, I don't want to live with the anxiety of not knowing, or never being asked about etc. It leads to complete emotional starvation to a point where even some small gestures by people end up feeling like a lot when it should be the norm. People who push you to this point will eventually just suck out your life force. They may not be evil but there's so much damage in them that I don't think any amount of love and care will fix it unless they fix it for themselves. That first step has to be internal. Anyway, I will not pass on these horrid ways to anyone ever. And I will do my best for me, and for my future.
This needs to be my cornerstone.
Meanwhile, I'm going to put my intellect to the test and just go for it. I'm so excited and happy about this new project and I think I'll just kill it. Yum. Time to take up some actual wins. Let's goooooo.
Writhes my soul in pleasure, pain, and exquisite delight.
When Bach comes on at night.
How is this composition so fuuucking beautiful oh fuck me
Canon in D has lost its meaning for me lol. Wow, it just started again while I am typing this. I skipped the prev version and there is it again, mocking me. The universe flipping me off? Maybe.
It's just turned this song into a painful memory. I hate it when that happens. I guess the pain stems from the memory that was once cherished and sweet. How I hate the grimy world sometimes. But then again, there was so much softness and affection and beauty in this memory once. Maybe someday it'll come back. Music is eternal.
But if it's for someone else, then it'll be a new song. For sure. The depths of my love and passion shall no man sully lol.
Fuck you,
Affectionately yours
Me.
And the song ends. Why am I smiling? Is that good?
Funny is life. I kinda miss caring about someone you know. I think the most happy I feel is when I am actually just in this cozy cocoon where I can keep people I care about close. I'm such a permanent sort of a person that for me keeping someone in my life means a lot. And my love language in parts is definitely acts of service. I think my flight instincts around someone are only triggered when I feel like I'm not valued or appreciated. Like legit the only time I feel like running away from someone is when I feel like that person doesn't have my back or is going to make me feel unwanted. That's the one feeling I have hated all my life, and the only one I wish to avoid. Rest all is cool.
For me, small tokens of affection matter a lot. Like a few days back, Tejas just followed me on insta..he is like a younger brother, my brother's bestest friend. But just did it random no airs no nothing. And it's a simple gesture but it's a small form of acknowledgement right. I really appreciated that. I guess I'm not someone who looks for big gestures but these tiny ones make me feel secure and that's one thing I always need in life. Anyway he is a sweetie, our Tejas. Saw his face when I was talking to bro. All of them are visiting for his bday it's such a nice gesture. That group has been tight since they were kids and now as adults that friendship is so familial. I'm glad. Bro is a great guy he should always have loving folks around him. ♥️
Ugh. Sent some link to M instead of just being direct and telling him what's on my mind. Can't seem to even form the words to actually tell him why it bothered me so much to read that trash when I did. I guess he doesn't understand the implications or impact of those kinda statement. I can't blame him, he has led a diff life. But just the thought of replacing that word with Indian just annoyed the hell out of me. So many of us migrate to the US. Most of my friend circle is there. All of them have worked hard, paid good money to some of the best schools, carved a career and niche for themselves, pay a fuckton in taxes in Cali. Everything any of us has achieved has been through merit and merit alone. The idea of whittling them down to shitty stereotypes is so fucking insulting. Noone has ever needed or wanted to do some cheap shit like using dating as a means to an end. Noone has to, they are capable of getting jobs in any part of the world and they work so immensely hard to attain all of that. And it's just so fucking insulting to insinuate otherwise. That's the bit M doesn't get. I'm sure it's an honest oversight on his part. But why doesn't he realise that shit that gets said around him at the end of the day ends up being a reflection of him? It's like he is so naive about certain things. Fuck dude. And I don't really know how to tell him because idk. It's so icky. These are things people should realise on their own. People say that shit around him cuz I think they believe he is okay with it. The same crowd I've seen on so many other channels and they never behave that way but with him it's like all gloves are off. Ugh. Maybe I should tell him idk. Or maybe he gets it, hope he does.
Learning about plotting a mystery novel and one cool insight was so write from the pov of the villian and consider the readers as detectives. That's actually so true. Part of why I always hated Sherlock was cuz Doyle simply made him into a superhuman and never actually gave any decent clues to readers, making stuff impossible to solve. I remember how completely frustrated I used to be with his books and couldn't figure why people liked to just gawk at his brilliance when in fact you never had a chance against him lol. Good to know I was right now haha. But fun. I'm actually really enjoying learning about this. Don't get too much time but carving out an hour at night for lectures and such. How cool would it be if I can actually create something like a puzzle box? I'd love this, honest. Omg. Excited asf. I actually think I can do this.
If there was one thing I could eradicate in this universe, it's not mosquitoes it's pms. Fuck. 4 days to periods and already my uterus is wearing against me. Ffs.
Need to check this series out. I'm rediscovering my love for fantasy novels and it is DELIGHTFUL.
I can sing this. And make it seductive asf
"Somewhere in South End when you were fun
You took my hand and you made me run
Up past the prison to the seafront
You climbed the cliff edge and took the plunge
Why can't we laugh now like we did then?
How come I see you and ache instead?
How come you only look pleased in bed?
Let's climb the cliff edge and jump again
Pineapples are in my head
(Pineapples are in my head)
Got nobody 'cause I'm brain dead
(Got nobody 'cause I'm brain dead"
Something about these beats make me want to wear a Santa skirt and cat ears and look someone dead in the eye through my smoky, shimmery eyeliner and sing it to him.
