Rat race

Holy crap talking to my friend and discussing house prices and how many mills who spent on what. Haha, I'd forgotten how competitive and weird some circles can be lmaoooo. What a rat race the world can be. 

This is a part of adulthood I just hate. Discussing guys and relationships and maaaaan people are sooooo fucked up. This is just crazy. No wonder I cut so many people out. GOOD FUCKING DECISION. 

So many women are also so crazy fuck...why do they feel so competitive and feel the need to dress up more when another girl is around? So many insecure people out there man. I noticed that this one girl was just getting jealous because some dude was speaking to me like what the fuck. Kept trying to show territory like I'm remotely interested 😭😭😭😭. Vvvv lame. 

Plus sometimes I think guys can be veryyyyy immune to these tricks women get up to. They never notice. Whyyyyy. Idiots. 

But I've learnt this huge truth about life - people will interfere and fuck up your life if you let them so better steer clear of the nutters.  No negotiations.

Humanity sucks. 

Also I'm so drunk muhahahhaha. 

SO HOT TODAY 🥵

I want cold strawberries and cream 🍓

Valuations

Reading about Byju's toppling and I can't help but think about how tf were people so wrong that they valued a company at over 22 bill. Like what's going on? What's the underlying garbage that I'm not seeing here? Because not only was the number obscene, it was so obscene that I simply don't get it. 💀

Children of blood and bone

Finally decided to start a new book. Excited. Will start tonight wooohooo.

Edit: okay this is nowhere close to Potter. Funny that every second author wants to be that. I feel like the worst thing you can do is think of a pre existing popular book and try to build your way around that. It's nowhere close to the right way cuz it'll just be a copy at the end of it. But yeah, possibly not the easiest thing in the world to create it from scratch either. 

There's deffo a dearth of books though, like quality ones are simply so few. Finding this out now cuz not a single fiction author has made me want to read them at breakneck speed like I used to when I was a kid. Man, I really miss that excitement and the smell of a nice new book. Hehe. The only possessions I've valued and kept over the years are my books. I love them so much. Even if I don't read as much now, it's the one thing that's made me absolutely fantastically fall in love. Music is a close second. Wow, dare I place music below books? I dare. 

Changeling

Seeing some of my pics and damn... I actually have changed into a whole diff person I feel. There's actual softness that shows in me hehe. My mental image of me is so different. I love the girl I used to be, but I also love the woman I'm becoming. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm definitely becoming someone who likes being the one someone comes home to, someone shares their day's happenings with, someone that underneath all the fun and games is solid and like a rock. It feels nice to be able to blend both parts of me now. Wasn't the easiest earlier. Dammit. I think I finally love myself too. Thinking of myself actually makes me smile lmaoooo. This year will probably add more to it too, and in these moments I just feel happy and excited to see what that will be. This is so fun. 

Tried a lot to get to 1900 Blitz. Lol. Fucking shit. Why do I do this? Should play rapid but nyat. I'll do this bs instead. Ignored fucking everything to do this lol. V cool. What a day wasted. 

Main Characters

I was thinking about lead characters and permanent characters and how in life also you have them. I've always looked up to the ones in mine, it gives me a lot of joy to know how amazing the people I choose are, and tbh I guess a part of choosing people is very fundamentally intertwined with me respecting and looking at them as amazing. And I think that's how it should be too. You gotta know in your heart that people who have a part of you are absolutely fantastic :). I love that, and I can't wait for a day when the leadest of lead characters joins my life. Maybe today I don't know anyone who is worthy of that spot but when I do... *Swoon* it'll be so great! 

Pics

Sometimes I just wake up to random pics of me lol. I wonder who took this. 28th Nov. Lol. This date just keeps featuring in my life. 

Now that I rarely wear make up, I kinda like it. Someone told me I seem like a sweet person lol. Istg I was so shocked to hear that, but maybe I've gotten calmer so people think of me as sweet more now. 

 Why am I awake at 3 am again? Sheesh

Conversations

After a long long time, I had an actual interesting conversation with someone. Man, I'd almost forgotten what it's like to speak to someone intelligent and well read who has great point of view. I'm really lucky tbh, I always meet some very sharp, driven people. And it's always such a pleasure to exchange thoughts and ideas with them... Something about being good with words just really makes me come alive. Love the banter. And it's amazing how time just flies when the talk is interesting lol. Hehe. I'm glad. 

Innocence, Love

Sometimes when I feel anxious or fearful and my tempestuousness catches hold, I try to view things from the lens of a child. I find it very hard to honor myself or be self preserving in a high maintenance way, but then I envision a kid seeing me treated in a not so nice way. I imagine the child looking at me while some guy is mean to me, hurts my feelings, is uncaring if I say I'm hurt and is relentless in his stubbornness and self centeredness. And I think to myself... Would I want a kid to think this is normal? Or would I want the kid to see a man respect me, love me, make me laugh, make me happy and see that as normal and feel free and easy and take that as a norm? 

And suddenly everything just rights itself and tells me that the only treatment that's worth it in life is one that makes you strong, secure and feel at ease. The kind of ease where you feel strong because you are cared for and can take that for granted. The kind of ease I'm happy I feel with most of my close ones now. 

And that's what it means to be an adult to me. To be responsible for someone else, to give honor and hold yourself to good standards. You don't have to be perfect, noone is and noone expects that. But having a spine, that's the difference between childishness and maturity. And that is a journey noone can make you understand or undertake. But the day you decide to, you grow up and actually flourish into someone worth loving. Atleast I believe that. 

And thus the storm calms itself and dissipates unto nothing. 

Played rapid. Every fucking move I thought was correct and then didn't make was the right one. Every fucking move. Fucking garbage

The world is so full of shit at times that I always had this huge amount of skepticism regarding it and a lot of my energy went into preserving myself and rejecting almost everything instinctively. And yet, as luck would have it ... There's actually someone I don't seem to quit on and that's also v instinctive. I'm not sure why it is the way it is, or why I actually do give a shit. But something about his angsty, childlike soul has me in this vice like grip that brings me joy even after bringing me a lot of pain. The lens it got me has made me change for the better and also in some way start to be more optimistic about the future. It makes me want to work hard, better myself, do the things I had put of simply because it feels like it's worth it now. I like that. And I'm grateful for his presence and I'm fucking grateful for my relentless spirit that simply refuses to quit on myself and people I care about. It's scary, NGL. But I feel it's worth it too. And that's the one ray of sunshine that kinda drives me to be disciplined, to envision a better tomorrow, whatever that may mean. I started working on my pet project, a plunge I never thought I would take. And it's so scary to do it. But at the same time, something in my mind is aligned the right way and I legit want to give it my best. No focus on outcomes, just a desire to do my best. This is v new for me cuz for once I'm doing something just happily without fearing failure or driving myself nuts with the desire to control the outcome. Was seeing a bit of Dune today and something in my mind just went... Ummm... You can totally write something atleast of this calibre. And I'm excited to find out what shape it takes and what I come up with. Ugh. I'm happy. 

 Got two yolks in one egg. TWINSSS

Flummoxed at the strange things that keep happening lol

🧟‍♀️

Waking up zombie mode and I look like shit zomg. Vv scary.