I can't think of a name!

Thursday, August 24, 2023

Mum's finally feeling well thank god! I was so so so worried

Between the intersection of strong coffee and a stronger urge to sleep, lies the unyielding heart of grumpiness.

Wednesday, August 23, 2023

I've again become quiet and withdrawn lol. Feel so stifled sometimes, like if I express myself, people will just hate me for it and take it in the worst possible way and yell at me or treat me badly. Invariably happens with me, huh? I sometimes wish I was a different person, I never even know what I'm doing that's so bad. But I must say, it does suck that someone I've been consistently so nice and supportive towards will not hesitate to raise their voice at me in public, and then act like it didn't happen. Like none of that matters, huh? And the funny thing is, no matter how mad I've been at times, I've never once not had their backs in public. I guess loyalty means different things to different people. But I mean, if you value an object over me then okay, what can I even say to that? And I'm not even mad, I'm just a little sad about it. Like I don't care that you fuck up, big shit. But that you just let it lie and don't make amends that's what is so frustrating about you.

And in a sea of stupid shit that gets said around you... A guy can call someone a pedo or ask some lady to kneel in a room of 50 men, ask me if I'd like to be a cinnamon bun that he wants to glaze in full view of all public and that doesn't draw your wrath but an innocuous statement about a string gets to you. Priorities amirite?

Oh well, it's okay. I have actually stopped expecting accountability from anyone anymore, so I suppose all this does is disappoint me slightly.

I do kinda miss 6-7 months ago when I was feeling all elated and expressive. Need to go back to feeling happy like I did then. Induce endorphins through workouts lol. Hehe, yeah I'll do that! 💪🏼 But also I want a piece of chocolate 🤤

Music

Stupid lil song I'm listening to at 4 am. Lol. Silly, silly me.

Cellos make me swoon, as do Violins. One day I'll be able to tell the difference between the two.

And now this comes on. Oh man, out of all Ghibli films, Howl's moving castle just takes my breath away everytime. I can't help but sway when I hear this song. Ballroom dance on the clouds, with lots of wind and noone watching.

Oh and the longer version is also so good!

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

😒

Woke up, tried meditating AND FELL ASLEEP. AGAIN!!

WHY CAN I NEVER MEDITATE WHY DO I ONLY FALL ASLEEP 😫

Parents

Mum finally reached Ladakh. I'm glad. What a long journey it took to get there. She misses dad so much sometimes. And yet she does so much for him. I wish he would see that and be able to give her the emotional security and love she has craved all her life. It's the one wish I've had for my parents, for them to reach a level of emotional intelligence that helps them overcome their differences and see their own flaws and their roles in making each other miserable. Mum has always been childish and strong willed, she doesn't see how her behaviour impacts everyone. That's the issue with people who are so self focused, they never take responsibility for their own roles. Maybe it's an underlying insecurity of being seen as inadequate, but the end result is them not being able to change for the better. And my dad. Idk what to say. I know he struggles with her, and it makes me sad. But he is a good man. The one thing that hit me this week was how he has never raised his voice or lost his temper on her or me or anyone else for that matter. No matter the stakes. That makes him decent in my books. I guess when it comes down to it, I've aligned more with dad than mom cuz mom had this habit of just using me as an emotional crutch. Idk how but she never saw me as a child, just as a vessel for her venting. And it scarred me so much for so long. She seems better now, a lot more caring. But man, it was a struggle to shrug off that influence. I realise a lot of my fears are rooted in her. But through her, I've also realised the importance of letting go and allowing people room to breathe so they can choose to love you freely. That is so important, but a lesson that my mom needs to learn. I hope she does. And I hope dad stops being an escapist and actually understands that by denying her the love she wants, he keeps harming her too. It's so frustrating to see them both just stuck in this loop of thinking they did everything right and everyone else was the problem. Like no guys, you were the problem, it was always your stupid selfish actions that caused you and then us misery. Grow the fuck up, you guys are reaching your 60s, it's about fucking time. 🙄

Lol. One of the biggest tasks of my life was separating myself from their shitshow and learning that my life doesn't have to follow their trajectory. It coloured my view of relationships for so long, caused me to be so insecure and avoidant. But I'm a lot better now. If only I get that final piece of the puzzle right, wherein I can wait and choose people who show me love and care freely, instead of doing all the work for them, I think I'd finally succeed in reaching that centre of calmness, stability and strength that I have craved all my life too. I'm sure I'll do my best and be amazing once that fear is fully gone. I mean, I do think I do my best now too, and I am actually a worthwhile person :). Feels strange to admit that for once, but yeah. I think I finally have started seeing my own value and appreciating it. It was a tough journey, littered with bad people choices that negated my existence, but I do feel like I'm free of all these external influences. Just gotta keep at it, and I'm sure everything will align the way it needs to someday or the other. Sun's gotta shine eventually, amirite?

Meanwhile, feels nice to love yourself for once. :)

Giving up on master and Margherita. I just don't care about religious dialogues anymore. So long since I found a good, meaty book to read! I miss those days when a book would be so compelling, I had to finish it in one sitting. Only Wodehouse and Pratchett do it currently, but I've pretty much read every Wodehouse and Pratchett is a bit too childish now. I wish there were more books like Hitchhikers guide. I'm craving some nice ol British humor.

Really want to go on a good reading bender with no food, no sleep...just an unadulterated, breakneck desire to get to the ending. 😩

Monday, August 21, 2023

Old dates

Spied the word Bengali on a yt vid and Google pics decided to regurgitate some old pics of my Bengali ex in the same day. Lol, what a coincidence. Of all the weird people I dated in my 'experience' phase, this one really takes the cake. Idk what is it about them culturally, but that weird cheating fixation is the one thing that made me steer clear of them henceforth. Man, all the banned stuff he wanted me to do, the insistence on keeping me insecure, the late night yellings. Tried to have a threesome with me and my friend and made me feel like I'm not adventurous enough when I wasn't giving into the idea. And then wanted an open relationship with someone as possessive as me. Darling, did you not know who I was or did you simply assume I'm susceptible to manipulations? Crazy. Glad I was a black and white person who simply didn't give into all the invitations to losing my mind lol. The amount of poetry he wrote me, and all of it ended with him wanting to hate fuck me. Interestingly, I'd met a similar dude sometime early last year, and he tried to ask me out. Also a poet, also into banned ass poetry. Skipped out on him like my house was on fire. People like these have just ruined my trust in people, come to think of it. I wonder when was the last time I even felt a sense of trust, ease and camaraderie with anyone? Been years. I guess that's why I'm so guarded now and refuse to allow anyone into my heart. But it's okay I suppose, the barriers serve a purpose. Right kinda folks will win your trust easily, just gotta wait it out.

Young P - sometimes I really wonder tf were you thinking? Lmao.

You live, you learn. 🤷‍♀️

My leg hurts so bad :(

Dream Journal and Tennis Things

Had a dream about tiny tiger cubs and had one fall asleep in my arms while I was looking to find it a place to put it. Lol. And then I just carried it around to see where I can let it snooze but couldn't find any so it continues to stay in my arms. Lil thing would protest if I woke him up so I decided to cradle it and keep it safe.

Ps- That match was goated asf! Seeing Alcaraz cry in the end was so heartbreaking. Poor baby! What a champ he is. That 4th championship point he saved just made me reach the edge of ecstacy lmao. I just couldn't bear to watch, it was so so so insane! Loved it, absolutely one for the ages. Just seeing djoko stretched to the maximum and knowing alcaraz is a shade better is unreal. Really time for a new era to begin. Feels bittersweet really. I've spent all my life watching these three, and there's a sense of finality to it that I can't deny. The transience of life. Even djoko has come into his own, turned into a man of sorts. Doesn't show a hint of the annoying twat he used to be now, a lot more supportive and humble than he ever was. I like the change. Something about men coming into their own is joyful to see. There's so few examples I see of guys turning that corner, that I've learnt to bookmark it in my head. And he isn't a boy no more. Finally. :)

Damn, it was worth the lack of sleep and day long crankiness lol. Buuut I need to snooze omg

Sunday, August 20, 2023

Cincy Finals

This is gonna be so epic let's gooooooo!!

Djoko will be vengeful asf!!!

This should all be tiebreaks lmaooo, wouldn't be surprised!

Hey

For it's precious love

How sweet...sing it to me Morrison! A lil cheering up this Sunday night just for me!

Funny, just today a quote was posted on the Dostoevsky sub that I was so skeptical of. And yet this song sings of the same thing. Teeny coincidences.

And heyyyy the scientist came on too. Always sneaks up on me.

Come up to meet you... Tell you I'm sorry...

Sorry huh. Lol, people have forgotten that word exists.

Oh well.

Take me back to the start! Tu tu tu tu tu tu tu

:(

Some rando just dmed me a dickpic on reddit. What the actual fuck. Why is the world so fucked up?! Ugh and these reddit folks are so utterly lame, like you just see a female avatar and decide to send all this nasty shit?! Yuck.

Man, it's been so long since I just experienced a genuine moment of niceness and kindness from a guy. Like seriously. Is that really so much to ask for? Sometimes I genuinely wonder if there is someone out there who knows how to be mature and nice and actively be able to show it to me.

Feels like a total pipe dream.

Edit: Dammit, and now I just saw this.

How sweet. I also want 🥺♥️. Lol, I'll be like her... Say everything all the time cuz I'm a talker. And he is so sweet and romantic. Dammit.

Men taketh away hope, insta algo trying to give it back. 💀

Aaaaaaaaaaa.

I'm going for a run.