New day

And so much to get done. And it's cold enough for a nice run now let's gooo 

Heyy

So pretty

'There's no colour in the world without you.'

Someday when I find the thing I seek, this is exactly what I'll feel. Your love will be the best of me. And I'd love for you to come home to me.

Am I finally blossoming into a woman? Leaving the tomfoolery and boisterousness behind? My 'bro' side that's my camouflage, lest someone sees the sensitive, naive girl in me? I think I'm slowly shedding those layers. 

Dammit P, seems like clumsy you is deeply romantic too. It's nice that I don't find it cringe anymore. Guess I don't mind waiting for the right person to unlock that side of me either. I'll do it forever if I need to. Someday the sun has to shine, amirite? :)

Ah. And the scientist comes on, right on cue. 

💀

The dreaded day is here and my abdomen is revolting against me. Days like these are when I wonder if there is a god 😔

Snooze

What is it about cold mornings and warm blankets that makes me struggle to open my eyes? Ummm. Just want to cuddle my pillow and snuggle it in bed. Going back to sleep 😴

Late night convos

Want to curate this and come back to it later down the years to see if my perspective has changed. Interesting how I'm now actually on the same page with most folks in life. 

Navigating girl world

Is soooo complex. Was speaking to my friend and relived all those college time squabbles and who did what to whom etc just all started pouring out. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a bitch fest lol. Interestingly, she and I have the exact same reaction styles. We just let things build up and don't communicate and then implode on the person who we are upset at, while they may not even see it coming. Guess even M has been that way all her life. Except she continues to ignore the issues. 

Lol, we three suck at confrontation. 

But I think I need to come to a point of temperance with this as well. While I booted the folks that needed booting, going forward I want to make sure that I don't let things build up to a point where it leaves no room for the other person to address problems. 

Having said that, being wary of mean girls is something that needs to become a skill. When it comes to women, the best thing to do is to select only those friendships where they are mutually supportive otherwise my god you just gotta keep watching your back. So not worth it. 

To A - once again, fucking hate you lol. You truly, truly suuuuck as a human being my god. Legit one of the two most awful folks I've met in my life and I wish I had had this clarity years ago. But I'm glad my lens on you is clear now. 

Expressions of Love

If I care about you, I will harass you lol. And there's nooothing you can do about it. 🙂♥️

Poetry

The lyrics of Rafi and the words of Rumi...evoke in me a seamless blend of nostalgia, yearning and a magnetic pull towards an intangible that always seems to tease with its elusiveness. Maybe it's the old fashioned permanence in their idea of love, and their devotion towards their beloved, their zest for life...but man. Every word of theirs just sets my heart on fire. 

"Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being"  

Long back I had read this one. My impulsivity then was captured by the second line, because it contained within it a call for self affirmation. But as I have changed, I have completely lost the need for the second and learnt the value of the first line. And since I think I'm waxing poetic and swoony in this post, let me end it by saying be "naughty, not knotty ".

I'll get this tattooed when I'm 80.

Chilling

Reading a book and generally just lazing around today. Feels nice. I haven't given myself time in so long :)

Just wanna order something nice later and snooze off and on. I love slow days by myself where I can read, relax, drink some hot tea and in general day dream in my fantasy cocoon. Thinking of working on my short story later in the day too, but getting out of bed seems like a task for now. Actually it's been a long time since I wrote something good down, will be fun to get the mind working on it.

Ps- tried to trim my hair cuz I was too lazy to go to the salon and that was such a bad idea. My bangs are uneven and too short, I look like a clown 😭

Exhale

I'm tired and haggard lol. Need to change up my workouts and make sure I strike some balance. I realise I've been a bit too on edge lately. Not sure why or what's been so worrisome but I need to take it slow and easy and go back to being at peace. I have this weird sense of mental exhaustion that's never happened to me before. Been stressing myself out and I need to stop and breathe. Take it easy and go with the flow for a while. 

Would love to go for a climb actually, but the slopes are so slippery. The last one was so nice, all misty on the top. Dad is also moving to a new place, hope it goes well for him. Maybe I can go visit, would be a nice change of scenery.

Stings

I'm still mad that we came second last night wtfffff. I HAD THE RIGHT ANSWER 😭 STUPID ASS MBAPPE

Talking

Met M after a long time tonight and had a long talk about life. She asked me after all that has happened do I still care about the other M. And the answer is yes, I definitely do. Not sure why or how, but his presence in my life has been something that I definitely do cherish. I'm not sure why it does, but his personality and his soul matches mine in a way that feels quite right. I'm not sure what happens next, or if we make room for each other with all our idiosyncrasies, in our lives. But I hope we do find a way to figure out some balance. In my own way, I legit love him. I don't say that lightly either. I appreciate how much time and care he took to make me feel at ease, it's not something others have done before and he wins my loyalty for that. And I know he would cringe and die before he admits that he was showing me all that care, but I hope he reaches a point where it doesn't feel cringe to him, rather he realises how easy and wonderful our equation is and leans into it without fear. Having said that... Men. Them and their egos amirite? Lol. Pull through for me this once M. I love you lots - more than I could ever tell you, and it's time we both grew up enough to feel secure about each other. And you have to be able to do your bit so I feel happy and secure with you. It's the one sign I've been waiting for forever, ever since I came across you. Please get it right for me? I promise I'll be steady the moment you show me that, but it's imp to me to know I'm valued and you are the one person I need to show me that I am. And to be honest, idk what your life's hangups are or what has happened so far that makes you so guarded. But I didn't cause them, so you shouldn't project your fears onto me. You need to factor that in at the end of the day.

Other than that, life is actually ok. And I'm finally not miserable lol. As for all the other stuff that was said and done, it's okay, we are both strong and I'm sure we can get over it in due time. I meant it when I said I want you in my life, I hope you know that and how deeply I meant it as well. I'm pretty sure you do actually. You might get mad and jittery when emotional conversations happen, but underneath that you are capable of dealing and I know that. So I trust in you for now. *Biggest hugs* 

And cheers, hoping for good things to come about soon. :)

Quizzing

Deffo a thing I love. We went out after a long time and omg it's so nice to have that unadulterated desire to win. Hated coming second tonight but my god it was fun. Broke me out of my funk and I legit had a great time. Really needed that 🙌

Aaaaaaaa

Coming second in quizZzz when we were fucking giving the right answer. I hate itttttttt 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Mbappe I hate you 

Roll baby rollll

Byjus

Reading about the company tanking lol. Good. They suck, unethical fucks. Funny I have his wife's number on my phone even now. It's weird but I actually legit know 3 billionaires personally. That's kinda crazy. ☠️ 

🥲

" I have to work now, I don't have time " 

Me: " No, i must at this very moment spill my guts "

" Go to sleep "

Me: " Nein, spilling guts!! "

Parry, your moments of lunacy are stuff of legends. 

I know I shouldn't laugh at this now given how awful everything is, but ngl I do find some creative ways to be a total handful. And a total ass at times, I'm sure some people might agree. Oops 

💪🏼💀

A good night's sleep

Slept lots and feel well rested. And feel lots better now. Thankfully. Man, the last couple of days just went into some insanely intense mode didn't they? I kinda feel bad about the way I said things. I hope I wasn't hurtful. Fuck. Ugh. I wish I'd waited and figured out a better way to state my point than the chaotic mess I made. I wasn't wrong and I did mean the stuff about not wanting to be lines of text anymore but at the same time I don't think I should have conveyed it in the way I did. I don't even get what's wrong with asking that, I wasn't saying tell me your life's deepest secrets, how is what I asked different from you speaking to your lil bro A? 

But man, I was feeling so hurt that I didn't stop to think if what I'm saying could be hurtful too. I hope it wasn't, so far it just seems like you don't care anyway so most likely it didn't mean anything to you other than serve as a source of annoyance. Or maybe you do give a shit and don't know how to say it or what to, after reading all that. But I can't tell which of the reactions you had, if any and my habit of lowballing myself will keep telling me you don't give a fuck. Idk what to do, guess I'll just wait and see if you say something or not. 

Ugh, see this is the problem with not having human context, it's impossible to gauge what someone would feel or has been feeling or could feel without it. Well, atleast hope it wasn't hurtful that is all. Damn.

Fuck all this drama because I wanted you to just give me a call and say hello and get to know who I am. Why couldn't I have just said this much instead of the colossal amount of emo bs I wrote? That too on no sleep. Didn't even listen when you told me to sleep it off. Life is so fucking idiotic sometimes.

And you know what...fuck this lowballing of self too, ugh. From now on I'm just going to assume everyone loves me, including you and make sure I talk to everyone with that underlying premise so I can be mindful of their feelings too. About fucking time I stopped being a fool. 

Plato

Going through Plato's republic. A bunch of decent ideas in it. Think I like him better than Nietzsche atleast. Idk why Nietzsche just invokes visceral hate in me, but he does. His ideas are so filled with wishful thinking and powermongering. If he himself was half as good at implementing them, then his own life wouldn't be as fuckall as it was. That's what gets to me the most. How do you not see the immense blind spot that is you in your own work. It's very easy to conjure up utopia, but the idea of utopia is of no use if you can't actually even reach it halfway. And the sheer arrogance of discarding all of humanity except a select few. Or thinking of yourself as the anti Christ. How full of yourself do you have to be to think that while simultaneously not being able to conjure up your own will to better your own circumstance?

Sheesh I hate him so much lol. 

You know

Part of growing up, is knowing which sides you pick and sticking to them through thick and thin. It's something I knew long back and something I can articulate well today. I guess I knew which side I'd picked from day one, I've never once wavered from that, and even though things suck ass at the moment, I won't let that change. 

In my life I haven't had too many people who had my back and pulled through for me when I needed them to, it sucks. But I know the importance of that, and there are times when people have to do it of their own accord. So blah, I'll leave it at that. 

Musing

How much do I even undervalue myself? This is something I really need to think about and fix. I can't believe I care about someone who wasn't even bothered to get to know me at all. Like fuck. Like after all this time, I wasn't even worth a phonecall or knowing my last name? And you have the audacity to throw the word 'friend' around like that means anything. It's just so sad. Maybe he is just lucky and has a lot of people who care about him, so I don't make any difference. Idk. Sometimes people tell me I'm great and I'm awesome but why don't I ever see it in myself? All I see is someone noone actually makes an effort for. Is there something so profoundly wrong with me? Idk, but guessing there must be. 

Oppenheimer sucks

Watched Oppenheimer. Man, it sucked donkey balls. What a low effort movie. 💀 

.

Ah sleep. Finally had some, feel better. Think I'll go watch a movie tonight, been a while. I have a feeling Oppenheimer won't be as great as expected somehow.

Fuck, what a sudden and random upheaval in my life lmao. It's been such a while and I've been so consistent that it feels really abrupt and sudden. But what can I even say? Not that dumbass cult word for sure lol. 

Why does life just have such weird problems and when will they stop? Streamline already, sheesh. 

Ordering my thoughts

Idk why my mind has to do the rapid think thing, I guess it just needs to straight up solve the problem in front of it otherwise it won't rest.

I think I said enough and a part of it must have been too jumbled but the essence of it is that I am more than just lines of text, and I'm actually a solid, loyal person and I can say that with certainty. I would be doing myself a big disservice if I diluted that and just remained some weird hazy entity. There's more to me than just existing for the sake of it, fun as it has been. I sense that trust and loyalty plays a big role in your life and it does in mine, but giving you that freely cannot simultaneously coexist with you simply not knowing me as a person who is offering it. And tbh that's essentially what bothers me. 

And I can't make you see that. Nor do I want to put someone in a position like that. In life, you gotta be able to choose equations freely. Friendships or otherwise. But in order to truly get along and have any equation, you can't know me as half a person and I can't do that either. And it's just weird to be semi close but also you not having any context to me. I know you trust me, but you should also be making that decision because you see me as an actual person. I know I'm transparent and easy to read, but the human context is still necessary. Everything else is just half baked wishful thinking and the longer you spend without knowing me the weirder it will feel. For me as well. But yeah, if your barriers are so strong then it's cool, I'm not going to test them. I'm guessing you've had a lot to deal with that makes you be so protective of yourself. And that's fine, you should not have to do anything you don't want or give someone something that you aren't ready to or unwilling to. You are completely right in picking the path you want, I will never challenge that. And I have pride and I'm not pathetic, so if I must take the hit, I'll do it without blinking and idc how much it hurts, I will not dodge it.

Lol, it honestly didn't need to be this complicated, but what can I say, we are humans and we mock our lives on whims. Sad, really. That's the thing about people that has always baffled me. How easily they just let a good thing go. I'm guessing some rationale will say I'm doing the same here. But I don't see it as yet and that I guess is my blind spot. But what can I say, I'm blind to it. Oops. I would have found it cringe to consider myself a "good thing", but I know I am. Too bad you couldn't see that about me. But maybe that's your blind spot too. Oops again. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something from this too. 

I do hope you know I'm not abandoning you, you can reach out whenever you want, I'm sure none of this is as serious as I'm currently making it out to be. Ngl, it would be kinda funny if you just told me to stfu and not be weird and overdramatic.

Lolz who would have thought that the first actual human conversation we had was meant to go this way. There's a certain sense of irony to that, especially as this required a show of trust and loyalty as well.  

Haha, what a beautiful joke. Oh well, what good is life if it doesn't give you the finger from time to time. 💪🏼

Fuck

I'm gonna miss you so so much. :(

Stupid hard calls life makes you take. I know it's the right one if what I want is not the same as what you want. But mofo this hurts like a bitch rn. 

Funny, for the first time in life I thought it was actually the right person, but I guess that was all an illusion. Sucks. Thanks for being kind though, and I do wish you well. I hope you know that. 

I'm just

Tired. 

Idk why I feel so low. But it's been 3-4 days and I still do. :(

.

Damn, how beautiful

Lol

Oh great

It's raining too. Fuck everything. 😒

bed head

When you don't sleep well for two days straight and wake up looking like shit💀

Drawing lines

I was wondering why I felt so bad this time. It's not just that one thing where you didn't answer. It's that you don't show me any care. You've never asked how I'm doing, shown any interest in me as a person. Everything is always about you. Hell, even texting me first seems like pulling teeth and I can't understand why. That too after all this time. It's not like you don't want to speak to me, I know you do. So what is even the problem? I know it's not trust, cuz I know you trust me. What's the fear here? Do you fear rejection per chance? The only people I've known who don't take an interest in others or openly show affection are ones who feel like if they show someone they care, then they'd get fucked over or something. So they keep trying to have an upper hand by acting aloof. Hmmm. I hope that's not you, cuz if it is then how will you ever make anyone happy. And unhappy people eventually leave. That's just a fact. 

Idk man. But I'm not spending time figuring this out. And I am genuinely mentally exhausted because it just feels like I'm doing all the giving and that takes a toll. Plus you aren't a child, you've had enough time to work this stuff out on your own. I'm not settling for scraps anymore, I'm done with that joke. I'd rather be alone than go down that road ever again. 

Hues

Told Meghu I feel low and she just sent over a croissant. I'm so glad I have friends who care, dunno what I'd do without them. ♥️

I need

Sleep

:((((

Must be stupid period time cuz I just can't stop crying. Fuck. 

:(

Lol, of all the stupid things to come across that made me feel something. It's silly, but yeah. 

And yes, for once, I think I do. : |

I don't get it

Is it fun for you to treat me like that? You must not respect me very much. Or care about me at all. Cuz I can't pretend like you don't know what you are doing. 

Lol, you just straight up ignored what I asked. Not even an acknowledgement. Am I really that meaningless to you? Must be.

Fine, be how you want. I'm tired of acting like it's not insulting and I'm tired of telling myself you don't mean it. And I can't act like it doesn't hurt me. You most probably meant to do that too I guess. So ok. Accepted. 

You know what

Idk if it's losing games or what but I'm fucking pissed off rn. Just wanna snap at someone. 

Boundaries

Yaay for boundary setting. Was talking a bit to M's friend yesterday. Ended up outright telling him I like someone, and I don't do stupid shit from the get go. That felt nice to be able to be direct about it. Hope he doesn't figure out I meant M but even if he does atleast I made sure I was upfront and didn't squirm about it. Was clear that I see him as a friend. Which I do, I think he is decent from the little that I know. I'm glad he is one of those who straight up accepts it and doesn't push any boundaries. It's nice. More guys should be this way. Guess M does have decent friends. It's so hard to be friends with guys otherwise. I get uncomfortable with persistence so this is good. Wonder why it was so much tougher for me earlier. Oh well. Wonder if I should tell M we texted. I mentioned one snippet anyway so he knows. Might be childish of me but I just haaaate not sharing lmao. I guess keeping things is not my thing, even if it might come across as juvenile. I'm sure it sounds really childish when I run to him with this random info but idc. Life is just easier with transparency. Anyway, I'm sure M knows me well enough to know how I am and that I wouldn't do weird shit so it's chill. Plus after all this time it'll be a bit lame on his part if he thought otherwise lol. Can't be that mocked : D

Woohoo, progress on the personal front! 🙌

ರ⁠_⁠ರ

Idk what's wrong with me. Just feel so tired for no reason. Eyes hurt too. Don't tell me it's that mood swing time is approaching oh god. The horror. 

Wish upon a star

What would be the one thing I would want, if I could have it this instant? I wonder. 

But meh, as long as I can define it, I can work towards getting it too. I'd like that. Time to frame some life goals and give them my best. Good. Look forward to it

😡

Had an entire rant ready. " Just sleeping lol ". If you only knew the Hindi cusses I want to hurl rn. 💀 Just wanna squish you man. Fuck. Getting me riled up for no reason then being cute. I'll also pretend to be mad 🤺🤺

Edit: You asshole! You actually went back to sleep lmaooo. I hate youuuu. Sooo damn much! Istg you'd have me so wrapped around your fingers if you wanted. But fuck it, I'd make sure you're wrapped right back around mine, wait and watch 🤺🤺. But I'll coddle you so damn much, you wouldn't mind it at all hehe

Wish you were here

Got home, fell asleep early, was so damn tired and am so damn awake rn. 

Everything is quiet and Floyd came on. Do you think you can tell? There's some songs I can sing and do justice to. This is one of them.

Damn, must have spent 7 years with it on my playlist, and it's every bit as soulful as it was back then. Guess some things don't change. 

How I wish you were here! 

Wait wait wait

Is Secret Garden a euphemism? 😭 is this another song I've been misinterpreting all my life?! 

No please no 😭😭😭

Fly me to the moon

Fill my heart with song

And let me sing evermore

In other woooordsss

~ dancing to this and blow drying hair. Feels niiice 

Autism

Reading about autism in adults. Hmm. I get the reaction but I'm not sure what can nullify it. When in doubt, rely on time I suppose. 

Wonder how many people out there are misunderstood but have underlying conditions that are the cause. Is the fear of rejection really this strong only in people with autism? Cuz I sense it in others, but they kinda try to mask it by acting aloof or such. Some behaviour just sticks out to me and I find it hard to pinpoint why it's seeming like an anomaly, but it registers very strongly as one at times.

Okay, time to get out of bed. What a long day I have ahead oooh la la. Le shudders.

Silos

People will always be people, where-ever you go. Hurt feelings are so unavoidable sometimes.  

Just

Another song that tends to find me. And it's always a cello/ jazz version lol

Introductions

Introduced Di to Shrieks lmao. Hope they and their partners get along. I hope they do, they are both ex Intel so atleast will have that in common. Funny setting up friendships from so far away lol. But damn, hearing her talk about A and how awful she was to her was too much. Sadly I have to fess up sometimes about what I used to know back then but didn't say cuz I didn't want to interfere in their friendship. This feels so high school. A sucks man. Seriously. What a godawful, shite, human she is. Pathetic, insecure, and a total bitch. First time I'm spelling it out but yeah she is a total and utter bitch. 

But good stuff. Pinged Shrieks also after so long and he immediately called. So nice! Love catching up with him. Sounds like his relationship is also doing well so all round good shit. I should keep in touch more lol. 

Ugh I wanna see you guyysss. God knows when I'll be in Cali but I wanna just meet everyone!! 

In other news, I forgot the bra I'm wearing is a push up bra  😭. Need a sweatshirt this is the worst travel decision ever omg. Boobs can be such frenemies sometimes. 

A sky full of stars

How absolutely gorgeous this is. Rarely do I like digital art but any Gogh derivative tends to have a pull of its own. This one has a lil bit of Gardens of the Moon in it for me. Something about Moon's Spawn in it. Nice crossover.

Well

Sometimes I think you are still a kid, especially  when you sulk and pout lol. But today I got the feeling that you might be a good dad if you want kids. I think you know when to be responsible, and when to have fun. This could be something we have in common. I like goofing around but I can be quite strict and firm if the situation calls for it. Wonder if I can tell you that haha. Maybe someday I will. I anyway end up blurting out every little thing that strikes me to you these days. I like doing that, feels good to share. I actually do act like that puppy, just can't help doting on you sometimes. I must credit you for that though, you've been so patient and kind that I feel really comfortable sharing these sides with you now. A huge big thanks for that, I was coming off of such a bad phase that if not for that patience, I would have never reached out. I remember how skeptical and flight risky I was initially with you. Only to realise that I now feel quite protective of you. So this must mean you are important to me. Good. And don't you dare fuck it up lol. I'll make sure I'm there for you here on out too, for reals. And I'm good at being steady and loyal, so I hope you feel the same sense of comfort with me as well. You seem like you take a lot of time to trust people, but that's okay. Everything in its due time.

Damn, adulthood. Never thought I'd actually think or say these things about someone. Feels nice.

OOOOOOO

I can take the book and read on the journey tomo. Omg. It'll be great lots of time to study. Wish I could take the board lol. But yaaay.  Will ditch the kindle instead. Imma nicely immerse in it and see what I can learn. Oooo and it'll fit inside my small bag too woohooo! Damn, this makes me happy! 🥰

Insecurity

I read a little something about it today. How needing to feel in control is also a sign that you can be insecure about a person or a thing. I think that's very true. If you value something and fear losing it then it just makes you want to keep guard over it. I hate that feeling though, and I hate when it's triggered in me. It's more or less vestigial now but after dating that awful narcissist it really made me so hyper alert to people's traits. But I guess I shouldn't blame him, I wouldn't have felt that way if I was secure, would have just told him to gtfo a lot sooner than I did. I think it's good that I atleast have a framework now to fall back on. One of the things I've trained myself to do is to notice how often someone reaches out, or shows active care, takes an interest in what you have to say, do they show they value you in some way or another etc. Basically the exact opposite of all the things that narc did lol. But it works, it's a good filter. Better late than never amirite. 

I like M that way, she has her head on straight when it comes to these things. She simply doesn't allow for shitty folks to enter her life. Even when P said those awful things to me and I talked to her about it, her first thought was " but friends can't be brutal this way ". And she was right. Took me longer to see it but yeah, I think that was a complete full stop. In the end he also ended up just being selfish and so mean. That's the thing about people who assume they are victims or have been wronged I guess. They immediately give themselves license to be nasty and continue thinking their actions are ok. Nothing I hate more than that mix of self pity + self indulgent delusion. 

Earlier I used to guard my heart and my feelings very strongly because I'm the forever type and I knew if I give it to someone then I'll take what comes with it, including the negatives. But you know what? I'm gonna stop fearing that I'll pick people who would trigger this shit in me. Fear is the mindkiller after all lol. So fuck it, I'm gonna let this one go, it's time.

Only gonna make room for the best, most solid folks from now. And imma make sure I add lots of value to their lives too, it'll be worth it. Cheers! 🙌

Goofy grins

I just like this so much lol. So cute. 

Thoughts - Basics

Going through chap 1 and also checked Tal v Neibult to see how he played it. He went into Qb8 in this. Need to check what happens if black goes e5 right after bf4 in this one. I'm assuming nd5 works somehow but don't know the actual calc. And my god that Queen move by Tal. Holy gods of chess. And if Neibult didn't play re6, what else did he have in that position? Man, black got strangled and how!

Anyway, pulling back. Want to just collect my thoughts right from bare basics to see what I might be missing.

What I'm seeing so far:

1. Gambits work on tempo. Precision is a given. Open files, fast attacks, pieces on key squares. Wonder how black can capitalise should it choose to gambit. Need to check 2 knights and Marshall maybe. So if you gambit with white and let black develop then you are fucked, most likely. (Ugh, but how did people know in the beginning that their gambit would help them squeeze black? How deep into a position did they even see?! The amount of time they must have spent analysing and looking for chinks ffs. There must be an evolution graph here for sure. People couldn't have just straight up started with gambits.) 

2. More space. How does this play out as an advantage in the middle game? If it doesn't result in winning a piece then does that equate the game in some sense? If both sides have easy development then I guess you need to consider that a starting position and rinse and repeat?Fuck, how do I find this out? Need some examples. 

3. Pressure points: Squares that can be weak. Bishop's that can slice, sacs that can give you an opening to the king. Rook lifts maybe later cuz need two moves to do it for them to be positioned. So maybe that helps more in mid game? There must be some key squares where you can sac a piece. Maybe f2, f7 or h7, h2? How would I know, idk chess. What can be other possible pressure point? Pinned pieces and x raying and such sure, but what else?

4. Oh and don't trade shite pieces for good ones. 

Damn, all this is conjecture still. Have to find games to verify. 

Ugh, all this again just nags at me that the best thing to learn is deep calc. But idk if that's the right way to go about it either. 

Chess - I hate you, but your complications are so damn compelling. Still hate you. 

Using Moderat as accompaniment music is making this seem very dark, like the moors from Wuthering Heights.

Okay, let me check Tal v Andres Voorema next. Wonder how many times he will try to sac his queen in this. I have a feeling this is a theme in his games. OG mocker of chess lol.

Be3

Ffs. Must have played like 100s of games without thinking and not realising I needed that sheesh. What a moron I am. 

Wish I'd started studying sooner lmao. Atleast the hygiene would have been taken care of.

Interesting. So there must be weak squares in every opening and middle game. How do I go about identifying them? Apart from pawn pushes that leave them unprotected. Hmm 

Engine bad

Was watching some Tal games. So interesting. Guess engines really did kill the magic a little bit. I can imagine the anticipation and the flourish of the reveal of a move like the queen sac, how awesome it must have seemed to people seeing back then. And the rush to try and understand it. The reveal of genius, now marred by any and every idiot with an engine at their disposal. All too easy for them to pretend they know why a master is so good, when in reality they won't have a clue. Must annoy them lots too. Spend your entire life studying and all plebs act like they know what's happening. Atrocious. Hmm. I think I understand now why they are so hated. Makes sense, kinda starting to hate them too. Who would have thunk it? Guess I was too busy marvelling at their internal mechanism to appreciate their awful impact on the game. 

Makes me respect the old masters more, god they must have been so insane and so fucking clever. What an era of chess to lose out on. :(

.

I feel sick. Think I'm getting fever too. Just what I needed. 

Rant

I'm so mad and angry rn. Dad is sick, he refuses to go to the hospital. Won't listen. Now I might have to travel to his town and get him to go. Atleast to make sure he is fine. Mom is just constantly doing mom things. Far be it for her to notice how I feel. Have to take her to the US Embassy too in a few days so that's another few days of travel. I'm so so so sick of being the one who has to constantly care about everyone. Noone even asks me how I'm doing. Not even once. Noone gives a shit how they impact me ever. It's like I just don't exist beyond what people can extract out of me. I feel so so so so miserable atm. 

Man, I rarely ask anyone for anything but just every once in a while I wish someone would just coddle me and make me feel nice. I feel shitty even saying that cuz it feels like it's not meant for me.

Fuck it, I'm just gonna go cry for a bit. 

Ah yes, right on cue just send me this. I'll just press mute 😡

Unreal

UN - FUCKING - REAL

But why would you listen? I only ask ten times a day cuz I don't care obviously. Go and play more. Play for 10 hours straight. " Maybe " it seems. Gah! 

What is it with men and their stubbornness. I want to rant at you so badly rn. But what do you care what I think. 🙄 

Aaaaahhhh. Sometimes I wish I could just scold you lots, you just love being difficult don't you?  Istg I wanna sit you down and just ask whyyyy. I hate how worried I get about you. You don't even understand though and why would you? I hate seeing you in pain. I HATE IT. It's my fault only for giving a fuck. Go show off to ladies about your movie knowledge, I'm sure they would love it. See if I give a shit. 

Fml. I'm so mad rn I feel like yelling and crying both. And to throw some tennis balls at you. 

Un- fucking- real!!

Thinking and Talking

Last night I couldn't sleep and started thinking about how you entered my life so suddenly. Bits of it felt so overwhelming at first. But now I'm really glad we know each other. Guess that's why I'm taking my time and sticking around you as well. Ever since I've been around you, lots of things have kinda changed for me and well, I get the feeling maybe they have for you too? You are definitely very different from how you were when I first came around, showing your solid sides a lot more. Idk why but I got the feeling that you did that on purpose. Either way it's nice. To think I almost quit and left not once but twice. Around the time you had that one month long sulk. Felt too surreal. Plus with all the other stuff that used to happen around you, I figured you weren't someone who cares about anyone. I definitely didn't think you cared about me at all. Hmmm. Not sure if you do now either actually. Lol. But that's okay, it's a filter of mine that exists for a reason. I have learnt the hard way that I need to protect myself. 

Oh well, if I act silly then just call me out on it. I hope you've realised you have the right. Then again, you are a man. Realising things are not their forte, is it? Lolol jibesss! 

I like hearing your perspective. What you texted today was interesting. Ugh, I want to call and speak lol, but I need you to initiate that part to be honest. I need to know for sure that I'm imp to you too and it needs to be direct, no games and hustles. So I'll leave this to you, your turn. At the end of the day, it's one of the things that's important to me to know, and I guess that's fine. I don't think I'm very demanding or fussy so if I need this then I need this. 🤷‍♀️ Actually, I wonder how you'll even go about it if you have to. I'm sure you are so used to getting people to do what you want that your instincts would be to point me in that direction. I want to see if you can actually be...idk humble isn't the right word but... Like if you are comfortable giving the other person importance directly. I don't think  it comes easily to you. But any strong equation needs that, so you'll have to figure it out. Lopsided mocks are not my thing.  Sometimes I wonder if it's a fear of yours. Hmmm, oh well. Ponderings for another time. 

Anyway, the longer you take, the more ammo I have to nicely nag you someday for taking so long, wait and see. Hehe. 

Drinking

I actually haven't had any casually. Surprisingly it feels nice. And I don't miss it. Interesting. I didn't realise how easy it was to just have a drink or two in a week if you felt like it. Now that I'm not, it actually feels better. How cool.

I think I'll stick to this long term. Man, made so many changes these last few years. Sometimes it's hard to understand their impact short term but after few months or a year it just hits you. I like it. Reinventing for the win. Can't believe what a shitty place I was in a few years back. Felt like everything had hit full stop. I felt nothing. Glad that phase is over. 

Now my vices are stupid things like sleeping in too much lol. Nothing like taking a nice shower, putting on a nice smelling lotion and then climbing into bed in your panties and a t shirt. Something about clean sheets on bare skin feels so soothing. I can feel it rn, good threadcount sheets for the win.  

Oh and gossip girl reruns. My other hidden vice. I was watching an ep today and I actually like Chuck. I see a lot of me in him, despite the caricaturish portrayal. Always loyal, took care of everyone, had his friends' backs, fought his demons and was always reliable for people he cared about. And how sick it made him to realise he is a romantic haha. That always gets me, I was exactly as disgusted when I realised I'm one too. It's weird how these random bs shows get something right but it gets so lost in the noise. And how they have a tendency to show all shitty characters as likeable.  Perception. I hated Blair so much lol. That back stabby, insecure character. Funnily enough A liked her and she was exactly like her. Haha. Her perception was that Blair was caring. She thought I was like Serena too. Lmao I don't sleep with friend's bfs or crushes A, you did that to me. But I am kind, or atleast I try to be. We were such kids though, stupid shit happened. Sometimes I wonder if we could ever be friends again. We were so close for a decade. But I just can't do that again. And I'm a lot more vocal about what bothers me now, so I don't think you'd be able to deal with that either. Man, was I henpecked or what. I guess out of all the people I chose to detach from, you are probably the only one I do still care about A. But I don't see myself reconnecting with you. I don't get it. I don't get why I feel such unconditional care towards you. You were like a sister to me. I think even you know that. That night when you called me after your cousin passed away, you told me I was the only person you wanted to talk to. I'm glad I could be there. And I will always be there I suppose. Think we both will pull through if the other needs it. But not daily, for that you will need to change lots. So maybe it's best this way. Okay blah, I don't wanna think about this anymore. Back to loving comfy sheets and feeling cozy. 

Listening to: Oh Cherie - New Young Pony Club

Fuck chess

Studied, tried to play and lost on time. I hate this game so much ಠ⁠︵⁠ಠ

Singing

 ... songs for other ladies huh? 🙃 She's a gem and it's very cute but I gotta say...Pinches my heart just a teeny bit. ;) 

der Student

Finally decided to start doing a bit of study yesterday. I'm so sick of being a shitty player ugh. MAYBE I'LL LEARN SOMETHING. 

Hopefully playing over the board helps me with visualisation. As I was setting this up, I implicitly understood the whole space advantage concept, and the value of tempo. Last time I saw that play out was in one of M's clips where just that lack of one move made it possible for him to win. 

Hmm, I wonder if D4 players have to think about tempo as much as gambiteers. It feels like in D4 the game actually starts kinda lazy and then post move 10 or so is when people actually start longer thinks. I think I tend to equate openings cuz in my head it just feels like it doesn't matter what you play as long as you can develop the ability to calculate. But that's mostly easier said than done and lack of experience on my part. 

Anyway, let me aim at understanding atleast one chapter at a time and mix it up with some older games. Nice, I can try to articulate and write down my learnings here, might give me some clarity of thought. 

Ps - is it irrational of me to be irritated at that queen not being in the centre of the box? It bothers me so much lol. As I type this I'm getting incessant spam of insta reels and ngl I want to yell. How do people spend all day just watching reels man? 1-3 maybe but like spamming it for hours and it's the same bs and it's so generic like how does your brain not rot? I just hate this and fuck, I actually want to snap lol. A part of me hates people who choose not to think and have no interests or curiosity. What's even the point in being so comatose like ffs make an effort somewhere! 

Okay tangential rant over. Bek to chessings.

Lady friends for the win.

I like slow days where you can have bs convos like these 

The adage that goes... with friends like these

A few jibes to start the day with. Lmaooo

Just for the record: I AM CALM ASF! 

Need some second and third opinion for reals lmao. Imma ask di and raves too. For diversity. Would ask M but he won't answer that mostly. Which shoooould make agitated, but it DOES NOT. 🤺 

Hehe he is such a serious person all the time, makes me want to act all goofy to see if he laughs. 🤭

Feels like

I've changed a lil bit. And in a good way. I like it. The knots have untangled. 

Lightning bolts and a dash of Canon in D. 

Dream Journal - 3

Looool. This one was fun. You were sitting around sighing in a dramatic way, putting your feet up, and generally acting cute. You knewwww you were being filmed and had a slight smile while putting up a show for the camera. Bet you knew exactly what you were doing. Hahhaha. This was adorable! 

And for some reason I was more concerned with your apparatus cuz it wasn't making sense to me how the camera is moving so even in my own dream I was curious as to how things are happening. Sometimes I think I'm a total weirdo lolol. 

Point to note: I like how I'm so comfortable with not being the highlight in my OWN GODDAMN DREAM. Explains why I hated theatre class and acting. Good lord, idk how people do it. I'd rather just be the show creator, and not the participant. Spotlights 🚫

🙄

I told myself I won't engage and I won't but ffs " Catch of the century " my ass. Dear darling lady, I know you mean well but quality folks don't choose to actively destroy other people's lives and then act like some desperate, self obsessed lunatic. The problem with folks like that is that in their narrative, they are always the victims. 

But then again idk, it seems like this person has some personality disorder of sorts. The behaviour is a bit too unhinged, especially as they aren't young. Even 20yos show a better grip on reality to be honest. Hmmm. Actually, this kinda makes me think. I noticed the constant need for attention, the random lying to make it seem like the person who told her to leave him alone actually wants her, the incessant baiting and what not. And at that age you don't date married folks unless you simply can't find someone else. Like susceptible women do the married fiascos only when they are 21-22ish and are basically kids who get swept away. Idk why but I feel like the dude might also be a lot older. Somehow that just fits. People similar in age won't fall for this act, I'm sure of that. It's really weird tbh. The entire persona seems so made up. I guess anonymity maybe makes people pretend? Idk. But folks who actually get attention don't need to vie for it this way, they simply get it without trying. Even the name is designed to stand out, isn't it? Or throwing different personalities at the wall, to see which works and gets a response. 

Hmmm. Man, my spidey senses just go into overdrive everytime I see that person. At first I thought it was just dislike for their actions but the more I see it, that weird ability to just make up a story without any thought for consequences gives me the creeps. 

Lol, M - I truly hope you know what you are doing. I'm not going to tell you any of this openly, cuz it might sound like I'm being petty. But I'm not, something just doesn't add up correctly here and I'm not sure what that is. I know you are smart, but people who find it that easy to lie will not hesitate to make stuff up about you if it suits them. I hope you know that. 

Hedonism

Found this 

Oh to be the young wildling I used to be. There's something about heavy riffs and all encompassing  sounds, amitire? Dayum. Found some old pics, I guess I did know how to live it up. Holding eye contact and being coy. The value of a shy smile, that holds a lil invite. Would you ever know that's my disguise? I think not. I know how to play, I just don't let on how much I know. Oops. The goofy exterior is just a facade to keep people I don't like at bay. Girl world demands self defence. Tragic.

This song makes me want to unleash my now tame lil demons. I just love being direct and going all in, when the moment is right. Feel the combined rush of control and possessive femininity. Except, I'd give you the control, right after showing you how much of it I have. And I do have a lot. Over me, over you. I guess I'd like to see what heights we can get to. And if you can keep up. You gotta keep up. I'd never love you otherwise. Guess that's why I've always liked men not boys. Someone that can hold their own. And trust me, I will test you. Only if you pass, can you possess me too. Feel my breath on yours, chin up, my mouth inching close. I wonder baby... Can you taste it too?

For now, I'll keep these impulses on the back burner, unravel only when it's special. A lil treat. Till then, imma be good. 

Musings

Do you actually want a kid or was that just talk for the sake of it again? Lol, hard to tell with you. Maybe if you have one, it might help you settle into yourself and be responsible too. From what I see, you aren't a bad person at all. 

I feel like what a lot of people don't realise is that for relationships - responsibility, caring for more than just yourself are things that require work and consideration for the other person. Can't always just be focused on your own needs. Giving the other person importance, making them feel secure, having their backs, these are all ingredients that go into building an actual future with someone. The men I know who have good marriages all do these things implicitly. To me, it's what makes them "men" in a sense too. 

Most people I know now have them to be fair. They know how to have fun but their centers are all solid. And it's a lovely thing. We all derive a sense of security and constancy from each other, I treasure it immensely. 

Treating people in a way that gives them a sense of security about you, and themselves is also so important. Fuck, I remember learning this one the hard way. In my early 20s, I was friends with a lot of guys. I didn't realise back then that even this can be a source of insecurity for a person. I used to just think that since I know I'm only friends with people, the other person should just trust that. But I guess people are more complex than my black and white approach. I started being more open about conversations after that, making sure the other person knows who I spoke to, what was spoken etc. Just so they'd be in the loop. It doesn't always work, but atleast I try to be as transparent as I can be. I don't like to incite jealousy in people, just hate when it happens cuz it just makes things complicated. So I guess this has become my way of keeping negativity at bay. 

Hmm. Idk how many of these values align with yours to be honest. So I guess I'll just assume I don't know you enough, and here's hoping you actually do care about these things. After all, there comes a time in everyone's life when one needs to step up and make the choice to be solid. I'm sure you can be too :)

Listening to: Ronan Keating - When you say nothing at all. 

Some parts of this song really hit home. 

Sundayyyy

Today will be a "me" day, I have decided. Imma play, read, run, get a croissant,  finish my painting and go check some sports gear out cuz my god my shorts are falling apart, rip. Oh and make prawns without ruining them. A wine and a movie would have topped this off well, but no drinking. Ooh ooh. I can check out The Accursed Kings later, been meaning to give it a go. Okay great, sorted! Letsss goooo. 

AND NO DISTRACTIONS! 🤺

Navigating parents

L's mum called me today. Funny that she should after so long. She has always been so nice, right from when we were kids. She wanted to know why me and L aren't talking or why I haven't visited. I didn't know how to explain that. How do I tell someone that their daughter is a serial cheater who tried to hook up with not one but two people I used to like. The first one didn't matter as much, but the second one devastated me. It's odd that I shared that finally and a day later her mum calls me lol. Weird coincidences. I'm so over that phase of my life, it feels nice. Finally. Aunty also wanted to know why I'm not getting married lol. She is always asking me that, year on year. Haha. Idk why she is so into astrology and such. Again insisted on telling me my future. " You'll marry a famous/well respected guy and bring him lots of luck. He will be a smart, traditional person and a good husband. You might have quarrels but the marriage will endure" lolol. It's so hard to respond to anything like this, I just end up smiling and saying thanks. Well I guess the smart part is right, I don't think I can ever fall for someone whose intelligence I don't respect. 

Oh well, time will tell if you are right or not. Until then, sorry about not explaining why I don't talk to your daughter - I just don't like her, but it's great you think of me! :)

Dream Journal - 2

Slept a bit fitfully last night and woke up at 3am from a dream, the first one of the night. I was in a place which felt like a dining room and had a table. I had removed some stuff from its packaging and was trying to collect the packaging so I could bin it. I turned to ask you and instead saw you go inside a room and just climb into bed. Felt unsure as to what to do with the stuff in my hand so I decided to ask.I didn't know if I should enter the room and as I was trying to decide, you just snuggled into the covers, turned over and looked at me. Think your covers were white/beige/cream with a tinge of green, and the bed was a bit messy. I was suddenly aware that it was just both of us and no people left. Something about that felt so intimate and vivid and for lack of a better word... Real. (The irony, amirite?). I could feel that you were completely comfortable around me, just lazing around. But I didn't want to take that as a given, I needed you to actively ask me in. I did want to climb in with you and be cosy in a cocoon with your hands wrapping me up. I kept debating if I should. Something about you being tired makes me want to...lol, well, it turns me on if I had to be honest. Haha, god knows why that is. Hmmm. 

A few moments later, I could feel my body heating up the way it does when a dream is starting to pull away and I'm entering a conscious state. It's one of two ways my dreams ask to be over and I find it fascinating. It's either just a feeling that my entire body is slowly raising its temperature - like an adrenaline rush - or I hear a doorbell which sounds exactly like my apartment's and I wake up thinking some delivery has arrived. 

Interesting. I want to make sure I journal all of these, they are so telling. I think this one primarily was underlining my tendency to hesitate and act formal when I'm feeling unsure. The contrast of a sudden switch to informal settings and yet me needing an active invite to join you speaks volumes. I guess even in my dreams I don't like to intrude on someone uninvited, much as I'd love to be with them. 

Hmmm. Sounds like I'm looking for some form of surety that gives me a sense of peace, and that has to come from the other person of their own will. That's fair in my mind. Can't do all the work for someone, personal effort needs to come from both sides otherwise what's even the point. As with all good things, balance is key.

Chess dreams

Woke up with a chess game in my head, not one that made sense but just happened to be there. I think I'm majorly stalled atm and it's kinda starting to get to me. I'd like to be better. One of the key things I'm doing wrong is visualisation. I constantly tend to see the board as a two person game instead of a one person game. Hmmm. I think I need to figure out a way to challenge that default stance. Because I get the calcs right when I'm trying, and I tend to find the best moves simply cuz comp analysis has given me a sense of intuition but this is only when I'm paying attention actively. 

Idk how to summarise this but I guess constant awareness + full board visualisation is what I need to do. 

I want to study other games as well, lmc I'll pick one. I only know the opera house one vividly so far. 

You know. Chess needs some tools for beginners that can mimic training for kids. Let me try the opening tree explorer and see how it feels. 

Fuck it, I'll study today. 

Moonbeam, Midnight, Howl

You've got me flying like a bird on a moonbeam, babe

There in the heart of the pale lies a screen

You've got me flying like a bird on a moonbeam, babe

It's just I'm cautiously falling in love with you

Cautiously, cautiously again

DAAAAMN, I love this song. Fuck fuck fuck. It makes my hips move in that one way only a certain beat can. And that line is so damn good. 

😐

Got woken up super early for a fam call lol. Was nice hearing everyone together. I miss baby bro. :( Want to meet him asap. 

I hope today is nice, I want to stay happy. Think I'll sketch today, it's been a while since I made something. Ever since I got the A3 sheet pad, I've just dilly dallied cuz it's so nice and I feel like I don't want to make something bad and ruin it. Actually wish I bought an A5 one cuz I wanted to take it with me while travelling and sketch on the go. Those travel diaries look really nice. 

In other news, I finally allowed Di access to my insta lol. Does this mean I'm being social? Who would have thought it? Idk why I don't enjoy sharing, the last account I had just had so many people and I hated seeing all that show off bs. Banned everyone lol. Was talking lots to Di this week, she is doing well finally. I'm so glad. Had a tough year. It sucks when friends have so much bs to deal with. Funnily enough we are friends because she needed someone to talk to back then, and I'm glad she reached out. Hard to make good friends as an adult, but it's great that all of mine are awesome! I love you dodos so much :) 

Oh well, time to get out of bed! Think I need a good workout to break the tiredness my eyes are so droopy. BUT... I like holidays yaay!

Damn

I'm just so tired. Such a long day. I hope I can fall asleep soon, sleep is always elusive when I want it the most. 

Ooohhh

Holy crap I love this

Dayum, never heard this before but the beats are so good and the tempo holy hell!

I find it so damn seductive! Especially 4.30 ts, so damn neat! 

Damn damn damn, have to check this band out a lot more. 

Musings

Should I openly share what been on my mind? I've never done that directly, so I'm not sure how to in a way. It doesn't help that you make it a bit tough to open up to you, you just never directly ask anything. That's a bit weird, given the amount of time we have been talking. Ugh, but I don't want to do some stupid disappearing act either and I won't, know you well enough that you've earned some care. I wish you'd just open the emotional doors a little bit, so I can feel safe sharing. But it's okay, it's not something I'll ever force anyone to do. Do it only if it feels natural, if not then I'll accept that. Won't like it lol, but still. I guess this means I have to actually decide on my own whether I should or not. 

Alright, I got this. I'll do it. 

Road Trips

I love love love being on the road. Give me a long winding road with no end in sight, and watch me disappear. I like the idea of not having any destination in mind, just drive on and see where it goes. 

Listening to:

I was just guessing at numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart 

Questions of science, science and progress. Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start.

These are few of the lines I relate to from this song. I think that dichotomy of affinity to fundamentals vs just a deep love for people and love itself has been an interesting contrast for me all my life. I sometimes feel like I could chase down a concept with all my might just to understand it, and give up the chase in an instant if love asked me to. So I guess that's where my heart lies. 

Nobody said it was easyyyy

And I rush to the start. 

Hmmm

People can be friends, yet so starkly different from each other. It's interesting. Some can talk about themselves so openly and others are so guarded. I've always wondered about that. Both Ms I know are guarded asf. So was A. J too. Di somewhere in the middle. Like she is extremely guarded but she always maintained that she opened up to me quite easily. Even though we started out talking a lot later in life, it was quite easy to get along. We have a nice equation.

Crap, I think I'm seeing a pattern haha. Almost everyone I'm close to or have been close to is a closed up person one way or another. Lmaooo. Oh well, it's about time one of them starts opening up for reals, enough mysteries and testing and whatever else he is afraid of. You have one life, lean into it. If I can - you can, I'm sure. Think I'm gonna straight up ask him to soon if he doesn't start on his own lol

Kenny G

Travelling today, looking at the rain drenched greenness and this comes on. 

Ugh, never thought I'd develop a liking for you, Mr. Kenny G, but accepting that feels like I'm coming into my own. Why did I ever supress these parts of me, I wonder?

Feels like I'm finding my centre. And I guess I like the person I'm turning into.

Hearing

I really really like this song. Been hearing on loop, just so mellow and sweet and synthy. 

Sometimes the basic stuff just does it.

♥️

Saying ' I trust you ' is usually so damn hard for me. I don't think I've ever uttered those words out loud, and definitely not by my own volition. But this time it didn't feel that tough at all. I quite liked it, made me smile. I'm glad. For once, I won't dilute that sentiment by trying to make a lame joke.

Feeling a lot of affection suddenly, someday I'll state that openly too. :)

Damn

...fantasising about something is so fun. If only you knew how strong my imagination can be, you'd probably need to use your fav word. 

Might have to say it slowly though, and catch your breath...so to speak. 

Remember

Guru Josh - Infinity?

Fuck. That song lmaooo. Fresh out of uni dancing in random seaside clubs till 3am and pounding jager bombs with that new circle hahaa. The shit we used to do. Stupid ass Tito's and Curly's. 

" Take your time...to trust in me. And you will find...Infinity ♾️ "

Aahhhhahahah. CRINGEMAXXNESS 

Running

Just kept going today, I feel so good. Finished with modest mouse - all float on. Alriiight.

I like the middle to the ends of a run, my mind seems so in the moment. Maybe running is a way to capture the moment, and be in it. Body all heated, steps in rhythm, heart feels peaceful. All you gotta do is go on. Binary choices for the win. 

Everything will be okay in the end. 

Fist Bumps and Big Teeth

I like how you have the ability to get along with different kinds of people and treat everyone equally. I saw a bit of it today, and I love that about you. 

Growing up in a society with inherent biases and social grid lines, the one thing I have hated all my life with a passion is perceived social inequality and people who capitalise on it to treat others badly in some way or another. So often I would see casual contempt showcased for people who had/were "less". Made me sick. 

One of my earliest memories of sensing these divides is when I was in the 1st standard. So maybe like 6-7?! Idk. My dad one of the commanding officers in that town at the time, and in the scheme of things used to have a lot of social currency and general prestige that came with the post. A classmate of mine - who was also the son of a daily wage earner - happened to come over with his dad who was delivering something to our house. I went over to say hello and his dad basically made him greet me politely but was unsure if he should be allowed to play with me. I was very confused, but the adults were all acting like it was normal. I might be getting a lot of the details wrong now, cuz it's been a while, but I had this overwhelming feeling of forbiddenness emanating from everyone at the thought of us playing together. 

The worst part is how these get passed down to kids and they just act out all the shit they see adults do. Like my gay friend constantly getting bullied in school. It went on to a point where he thought asking me out was a way to show the world he had a gf and wasn't gay. And then it become this huge scene where half his bullies came to confront me about us dating. Lol, I was so mad at all of them! We had a huge showdown with me yelling at 7 boys at once, while my friend stood around doing nothing. Fuck, istg I could have gotten a beating of a lifetime and I would have happily taken one if it meant they stop harassing him. 

Many years and a lot of life experience later, I came to understand the garbage social structures in place and I have no patience for people who don't just stomp on all of them collectively with conviction. Be a dick to everyone equally, that's the motto. No selective dickery. If you gotta be cunty, do it to everyone.

Most people may not understand or know this about me, but I can admire someone's skill while being completely neutral to them. It's only personal traits that actually evoke an intimate reaction. And I don't fully (or maybe not even partially) know the kind of man you are, but the few values you've let slip do earn my respect. I truly hope I'm reading you right. :) 

To my toothy 1st standard friend - It was a joy that you came over, I was happy that day. Thank you for a core memory that has helped me build a foundational value in my life. Wherever you are, I hope life smiles big, wide grins at you, just the way you did at me that day! :) 

Lots of love.