Yawns

I can't believe this week is already gone what the fook. Helping with wedding shopping etc has made the time simply zoop by. And I legit do not enjoy it at all. Hahah, suffer through it is more like. Oh well. I've never enjoyed attending any either, it just feels so boring. Even my own friends' weddings where I had to emcee lol. I can't believe I used to be totally up for that. It was fun to get people to laugh along from the stage though. All those aunties asking me if I've done it professionally. That was a riot! 

Ugh. But these uber traditional ones zomg. No thank you! Old ladies consider it their birthright to come ask you when you planning to marry like brother! 

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Trying to struggle through these dan pikey comics and I fail to understand why they are so popular. It's so simplistic, I get it's on purpose but still. The level of reading has lowered over time. It makes me sad. I always thought progress meant upwards and onwards but this just is the opposite of that. 

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It is may already wuuuut. Why, why, why?

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I am BORED

And there's thunder. Long overdue! Thank heavens! We need the rain!

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Welp. It barely rained nvm. 

Some days I find my mind boggling at the kind of stuff people say and do and how it almost never strikes them as weird. 

 

I never react in the moment but later on it all stays with me. And then I don't particularly know how to react again. 

This weekend, M let slip that her ex had a baby, and he wanted to send her sweets. Then she said his wife had had prior miscarriages. And I was just sat there thinking wow. Like. You were having an affair with a dude whose wife was having a miscarriage? Multiple ones I think she said. Or maybe I misremember. And she she told me she thought there must have been something wrong cuz they hadn't had a baby for so long, and asked him how come he hadn't told her. 

At the time I heard it all, and after she left it's all been sinking in like what in the world. What the actual fuck. How... HOW can you expect someone to tell you their wife is losing a baby and how are you just sitting there discussing it like it's some mild info. What kind of a fucked up person can you be to be inserting yourself in that marriage and now just so nonchalant. Fuck dude. It's scary to me how divorced some people can be from their actions. I don't get it at all. She is beyond any help, honestly. 

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I'm not going to spend more time and energy on any of this any longer, but I just want to take a moment to let the wtf feeling go away. 

I feel so bad for that guy' wife. I really do. Imagine sending your mistress or whatever the fuck she is rn sweets. So scummy. I am very, very disturbed and uncomfortable with this. It's a man's job to be loyal to his partner and protective of his wife, but women like these are no better. If the kids ever find out, it'll be so sad. Yuck. Right in this moment, I purely loathe these people. 

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My dislike and aversion to marriage was rooted in seeing my folks being stuck in a toxic dynamic, but I never realised how much worse it can all be. I feel bad for kids who need to bear the burden of the fuck ups of their parents. I'm so, so, so sorry for them. I promise to never compromise on my love and my protectiveness towards my family, and I pray I only end up with someone who feels the same love, responsibility, and protectiveness towards me. 

As much as I have cared for M all these years, these few years have shone a light on such gross traits that I do not know how to come to terms with them. I suppose I have to find a way to stuff these thoughts into a box and pretend it doesn't exist. 

I am so sick of discovering such shitty ugly faces of the world man... I really am. I hate it from the bottom of my heart. 

I find myself craving a nice cold tart orange. Yums. How do people not love citrus? Ooof. 

There's something so lovely about it, esp when it's hot outside and you take one out the fridge. Absolutely divine. It's the best 3 pm snack ever! 

Funnily enough, even all the scents I prefer have blood orange essence listed as a core ingredient. I remember doing an analysis of all fragrances I prefer and ones that lacked this smell I didn't like. Even my senses are consistent in their loyalty. 😁 🤭

This makes me happy ngl. 

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I should start playing long time controls. I feel a sense of dread about that already zomg. Have to take time and think, oh the horror! Eeyuck.

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Even my run is done now what's my excuse? Ugh. Hehe. I really doubt I'll play today but let's see! 

Craving that orange even more now. Am I low on vit c? 💀

Finding it so hard to wake the fuck up today. Eyes are refusing to open. Am I sick? What's with all this slowness? 

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Have a lot to do today. I feel some nice change in the air, which feels good ngl. 

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Going to put cold cucumber on my eyes. Just to feel fancy and wake upppppp. 

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Ugh. Everytime I see this person lose I get annoyed. Well, good thing is it wakes me up hahah. Annoyance is the key to alertness. So frustrating. 

Hehe maybe that's why I was like a chershire cat this weekend, nothing to be annoyed at so got lazy. Oh fuck that's actually it huh? Hahahha. Locus of drive is external. I see, I see.

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Records | Sub 2 🥇🏅

....I suppose are meant to be broken.

Sub 2 broken and done twice the same day. What in the world dude. What a debut and still came second. Oh boy. And Kiptun's old record broken too! All in the same rac! Jees. Insane what the human body and mind can do. 

How TF does someone run a 10k in just under half an hour!!! Zomg. I cannot.

The mind is boggling!! Endurance sports have my deepest respect.

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And here I sit, just tired out from doing nothing of note this weekend except waking early. Hehe. Running has this wonderful feeling of vanishing all dumpy, lazy feels. Consecutive days without kinda end up making days feel drummy and strange. There was a time when I used to look for weekends to unwind but now I prefer days where I follow a routine post chilling tbh. I look forward to it, it makes me happy. That's so fucking adult it makes me low key laugh at myself. I've always yearned for that though, to look forward to things I wish do spend time on, as opposed to being stuck doing things I dislike.

We bitched about D and one of M's friends too. It dawned on me how absolutely trash D is. 

After a long, long time I spent a lot of quality time with M. In the moment it felt good. I have always held so much love for her, that it felt nice after a shit ton of time to just be in a peaceful space with her. Without her stupid loser bf lol.  I think he is the problem everytime. Her friend compared him to her own husband who is yet another deadbeat and M was looking at me to maybe say nay he isn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do so. 💀. I wouldn't have cared if the guy was nice but hmmm. Well, everyone has to pick the path they want in their lives. What to say. 

Que sera sera. Always falling back on thee. 

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I've been fairly silent all day, it's like I'm just recalibrating from talking all weekend lol. Strange, I enjoy writing but actually talking has become a lot less for me. Or rather, being silent has become a lot more common for me. What a turn! 

Old lichess app is phased out. I feel sad about this ngl. :( I do not like changing looks on apps don't modernize my tech pls. 

Wow a weekend of pure chilling. Hehe. It feels nice to take a break from the daily routine. Feels good. Lying around scrolling reels like kids. Found a pop up market, bought stupid shit, ate rolls and momos and then watched documentaries. Tried fixing cooler, got dust everywhere.

What a silly day, I loved every minute of it. I'm tired in the best way today

Finally in bed... The day was so nice... I love just sitting around talking and playing quizzes. It's so nice and chill. Girls day is always so fun. The only thing that will make it better is if it could just rain a bit and turn down the temperature.

It's like I'm up at the crack of dawn. Waiting for my friend to arrive, why is she up so early? Lmao. I envy morning people cuz I know it's a superpower. I feel like even if I went out for a walk I'll fall asleep on one of the benches at the park. Oi oiii. I love snoozing!

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Oo I can finally watch project hail mary today that's nice. 

Impostors

Bocelli putting up some chess pic and captioning it as a serene fucking game made me laugh lots. People just bullshit, esp when it comes to chess I feel.  I could be wrong and he could be a superlative player but honestly caption smelt like ass. Tell me you don't actually play without telling me you don't play. 

If you haven't rage quit and questioned your existence while looking at a game you are NOT a chess enthusiast. No way! 

Old man woling. 

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Got 2k back now I must quit. 

You know... I should have someone to scold me and then I'll listen to them lol. Hehe. I actually somewhat like it when a person cares about me enough to tell me don't do this once in a while. I actually end up listening also. 

I am still awake. On the plus side, I found a really cute gift for my friend I'm sure she will be pleased. I know I am. It is just so adorable. I love giving gifts, I think it's one of my love languages. 

On the other hand it's 5 am zomg. I am going to be soooo groggy today. I cannot sustain late running I need to change this oh boy oh boy. Daily gripes and grumbles

Why am I 1900 jesus wth am I doing. Somedays it's like this rut where you feel like you are in quicksand. 

Ugh. If I reach 2k today I'll quit bullet tonight for the rest of the year. 😤

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Well, dubov's lying in bed and beating Sindarov 3-0 lmao. Atleast someone's got the skill to do something fun. Hahah. Chess players are so weird. I find him kinda cringe but this instance is low key funny esp as he is destroying Sindarov. Good stuff. 

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Post run wheezing is doing a bit of a number on me. I should take a leaf out of this fellows book and atleast sleep well before I work out and you know... Generally make responsible choices. Lol. Irresponsible towards others but atleast with himself he isn't haha. Ok shoo fondness. Begones 🤺. Ayyoo this emoji changed oh noooo. I liked that earlier angle with was more en gaurde. Hmmmfff. 

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It's so hot imma dance in my underwear. To imase Night Dancer. Or maybe.... Hmmm. JUST A BOYYY... LOL. something clubby cuz I wanna dance dance dance. Woot woot🙌🏼

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Music and dancing can just be pure joy. Hehe, maybe I just like jumping around. That is probably it. I WANT MY 2K BACKKKK.

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Hours later and I'm in bed and I can just think of U2s Sweetest Thing. 

What a cute song. 

She won't catch me, or break my fal! 

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Why you a raincloud? 

Meh. You know what? Be what you want to be, I'll just get an umbrella if I must.☔ 

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This song makes me smile so damn much. Sleepless in bed and my toes are wiggling. 

Du du du du

Du du du duuoooo

OOO and the scientist came on hehe. Sometimes coldplay is nice. Spent so much time doting on them. Parachutes. 

Watching the Lichess recap and I have nothing but immense respect for Thibault as well as Theo. I've seen first hand amount of bugs and patches he reviews and his work ethic is immense. There's certain traits I've always looked up to, and this form of idealism combined with ethics is something I deeply admire. Was such a pleasure listening to him rn. 

Godspeed yo, I hope we have more and more people like this in the world. Heh, starting the day with cuddling a dog, that's so nice too. There's something so honest and trustworthy about Thibault, I find it so refreshing. I hope I'm right in thinking so. 

Hope skips and 🦘

Sleeping well is vv important. The zombiness of my existence when experiencing a lack of sleep is getting more pronounced. Gone are the days when I was able to pull in one nighters one after the other. 

I'm skipping the wedding. Wooohoo! Fuck man, I'm so glad! Just. So relieved. 

Idk why this time around I am so weary, I just do nooooot like visiting that part of the family. I guess for me just my friends, parents and brother are important and I don't even feel like wasting time on people I don't consider close any longer. Yeah fuck it man. Just keep it close. 

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When I have a wedding, it'll be a small affair with just people I love who love me back. No extras. 😤 

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I would be glad to have that question answered and just be able to relax on that front tbh. To just be with the person that feels right and know that okay, this is the one for me. I don't want to end up like a Di who is just unhappy asf and stringing along a guy who she claims isn't all she wanted.What a terrible waste of life. The idea of waking up next to someone daily and thinking this is so unreal like how can you be such a cunt. Honestly, I'm glad I ghosted that bitch, just so fucking dishonest. Complete unforgivable assholery man. I vow to never ever make someone I pick willingly feel inadequate or be disloyal on any front. Just never.