I felt like writing something a bit honest and a bit vulnerable and now I'm second guessing myself hmmm. 

How do you make decisions in life? 

I don't know sometimes. With some, you just have to take it as it comes maybe. That's the thing right. Life doesn't come with either a user manual or any guarantees. Sucks, but if it did then we would just be sheep. Bleating away. Most people anyway live like that. Oops. 

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The times we do shitty things and justify them is usually when we are fearful about something. That's usually the tradeoff. Doesn't mean we are right. 

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My biggest dilemma is always to know how much to accept and where to draw the line. A manual would have been handy. Oh well. 

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I've all but given up on social media now. Not that I had many to begin with but maaaan. The amount of whining everywhere is unreal. Always some men v women thing where men are crying women bad and women are sharing horror stories of crazy dudes lol. 

One of the more boomer realisations I've had is that I've undervalued one of things about growing up in my country.  For better or worse it ingrains in you a certain set of family and community values. You need solid structures to keep your life running smoothly and there needs to be a sense of responsibility+ groundedness for it. A lot of my friends also have it. Like Raves, who despite being younger than me, has a loooot of rootedness in him. Probably why we get each other so damn well. I see that sense of community lacking in many societies now and I feel it's the root cause of many people feeling adrift and lonely. Hyper individualistic approach never feels good in the long run need a semblance of balance and places of acceptance which are consistent. Sadly people who need them end up following cunts like peterson. Heh. I recall that vid of his I'd sent and then realised must be sleeping with someone that day. Yeah well. Deception deception all around. Is it any wonder that I am now gone? 

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Would I text someone if I was lying in bed with someone else? 

Never. 

Chastity, I shall always cling to thee. 

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I will only choose solidity, no matter what. No temptation will ever come in the way of that. 

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Anyway, no need to spell any of this out anymore. My life is going to be more and more streamlined from now, whatever and whoever wishes to be in it can plant themselves in it as long as they treat me well. Up to them, I won't mention it again. 

The kryptonite of every narcissist is accountability and your boundaries. Lol. Oops. And they play the victim instantly when called out about it. Double oops.

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I keep getting these yt recos and while I don't doubt these people exist, at times I wonder if things are a lot more sensationalist these days purely cuz it sells a product. I don't know at times. Best never to trust yt as a source.

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I think narcs just serve one purpose in life. They abuse you so hard that you as a person who went in with self esteem issues eventually end up having to fight for yourself and grow into one that prioritises themselves. It's a brutal asf lesson maybe but in the end it's like the bottom just keeps dropping and you can't even pretend to yourself that you can put up with that shit any longer lol. 

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But it's always best to avoid at the first sign. Oh if only we were all that resilient. 

Ugh. Waking up to this much insanity like 💀🙄

Just. Why? 

This is not healthy, just take it easy.

Getting too nuts for my liking now. Enough

Eyyyyy. Why so crazyyyy? 😐

Smh. Stop it, go sleep. 

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Stop the count! ⚔️

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Nvm i'll play another. I'm sure he will fall asleep soon anyway. Or will wake up in one more hour to continue with cons who knows lol. Experimentssss. See. Zero chances of ever fessing now lmao. Zeeero. Fuck it. 

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Omg wing gambit rockssss. Finally played a nice one booyea. Sadler is an effing genius. 

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Omg 

😭😭😭

💀💀

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It's good to get some rest and be at ease you know. It's good to just chill and not worry too much. Juuuuuuust stating. 

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Like the song goes - 

please don't worry, about a thing 

For every little thing

Will be alriight. 

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💀💀

Goodnight world! Please right yourself soon. ♥️✌️

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Let's not go completely looney toons now.

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Reading the news is fucking crazy and depressing these days dammit. Tf is even going on? Every article is simply doom. Hope everything becomes normal soon.

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It's insane how easily the entire news cycle is just taken over now. Such an odd juncture the world is at. Everywhere it's just protests and people fighting whatever happened to the time when everyone was just looking forward to a game of thrones episode man.

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Ugh. 

I feel like a tiny lil person that's overwhelmed at the state of the world :(

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Haha this maverick going rd8 to first protect pieces and all lmaoooo. Soooo cute, showing restraint and all. Look at that, all carefully he is converting! Hehe, he is actually trying to get to a higher number! ♥️ Well, I hope he gets there I want that nice number and not from dodos like dubs. Let's goooo. Do it. Hehe. That stalemate actually hurt me ngl. I was expecting mate in one but time trouble maaaan. The one move that led to stalemate... Made me wanna throw something at that stupid fucking opponent also lmfao. Haha. This game is too brutal. 😔

Buuuut...If he goes slow and steady, I think he can do it. It'll deffo take effort and such but I do believe he has it in him. Hmmm. Hope he tries for it tbh. Will be nice. And does it over a week or so instead of all at once haha. I wish he took up some endurance sport tbh. One thing you really learn from them is to pace yourself for the incoming brutality simply guts and motivation is never enough, gotta learn to suffer and then suffer some more. 😓

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Thing with going slow... It's like you are carefully building a house of cards and one tiny ass error leads to it collapsing. It's a wonder more people don't punch each other god that pure rage you can feel for that one second is unreal. 

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And even as I know I'm nowhere close to that level of play, juuuust in the moment I have the same outcry like omg whyyyy and then like it takes a moment or two to calm down and come back to earth cuz soooo alert during the game. Fuck. Hahah. No wonder chess players hate criticism like who wouldn't it's insanely brutal to make a mistake. I remember telling Sadler it's like you are spending your life trying to hyper optimise something and then you face an error and it's just brutal psychologically, and he also agreed. It feels quite messed up even as an adult how these fellows did this their entire childhood idk. Keep kids away from chess lol.  

The one good thing about growing older is how much more accepting I've become of me lol. Just few years ago I felt like some baby that was scared of things going wrong etc and now it seems a lifetime ago cuz there's this solid feeling inside me that goes nahhh... Good things will come by and choose to stay, no need to worry. And slowly that's becoming a very firm feeling. I'm glad. I've always secretly admired myself a tiny bit, but now I also just love myself haha. Shameless of me, but meh. Idc, it's cool. 😎

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And I have lost 19 times to that dumb bot. 19. Omg. The more I lose the more I want to win 😭 feels like a gambling addiction lmfao.  Side note: why tf do people gamble yuck. 

Omg marshall is such a cutie patootie omfgggggg how can a dog be so goddamn cute and chocolatey daamit looks like a walking bar of fine chocolate i love himmmmmmm aaaaaaaa!!! Stupid chocolate labs being stupid cute omggggg.

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I feel a lot of affection towards the world today hehe. Just... Iss nice 

Hiiiiiiiii

Smh. Refresh once again and you can read this too. ✌️🙋‍♀️

~ why so unhinged also can be a good moniker lmao. Idk why I find this juvenile shit funny asf but it's just sooooooo like... Idk childish asf. I can picture someone all cosy in bed and plotting Mr. Burns style. 

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The funny thing here is that there is nooooo way someone can now actually admit it was them ahahha. Talk about rock and hard place. Like noooooo feasible path left to actually say yes it is me and come away seeming sane. None, zero. It'll forever be one of those unsaid things now. Lmfao. And yet I know it and I suppose he does too. Oopsies. Still...idc about all this, have at it. Why so unhinged is deffo right lmao. But no worries, long as he keep the nutsness within the bounds of decency where we can both be okay and the rest is chill. I'll always have his back, even when I'm feuding with him. 🤷‍♀️. Tis' what tis'. Heh. I suppose the reason this craziness doesn't bother me is because I care about him just as much, so all it does is make me chuckle. It's silly but it'll always be between us which is why I suppose it's quite alright. Although, I bet he would like it to only be him and for me to never ever think it was him hahahha. Awwwie. Too bad, huh? I would never be okay if it was someone else though, god. I do not do extras and I would hate for someone I do not want to know me this intimately. Only one person allowed. And noone else ever. No plot twists, pls. 

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I wonder if someone will ever understand me as much as I get this person. Not just understand but who I can feel safe being vulnerable around. Just as I know this person and all their behaviour is safe with me, I hope someday someone loves me enough to do the same for me. It would be nice, and I wish to experience that. The uneasy feeling of not being in control of everything and having to trust someone else to do right by you is like my everest lol. But I guess trust builds with time and action. In the end I will only choose the one who wins mine the right way and makes me feel respected and safe. That's a promise. 

The oddest things happen sometimes lol. My twitch notif just opened instead of swiping and I hear this person listening to Fever lol. One of my fav songs. Heh. Peggy Lee. My alt on the internet for ever so long. Hehe. And my attempt at cheeky twitter before I banished it lol. Back in the golden era of 140 chars lol. I wish I hadn't deleted that would have been fun to reread it.

♥️

 

Soooooo cute ahhahahahahhaha. Love thissss! Shopping with FedEx!! I've always thought of FedEx as a tad selfish but this is just so sweet. 

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Men who understand the importance of valuing their partners are just the best man. He is so right. One cannot always give without receiving. Hahah. Ask me about it. It's like my entire being just dies and feels empty when someone just takes, takes, takes and never once gives back. Never again! 

No wonder they are so solid together too. I love how much affection and reliability there exists between them as well. 

Maaaaan I want a sweet guy like this. Hehe. I hope I find him soon! ♥️

Self protection

I have to admit this guy was right about T, seeing the chaos that man is creating now is unreal. I should have listened to him when he said it the first time. Definitely on the money. 

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The world is filled with people who can do harm, I think it's best to have filters in life that avoid letting the wrong sort in. I hadn't learnt this growing up, but now I'm certain that letting go of people who don't approach you or treat you the right way is simply the best choice. People like T will keep looking for chinks in your armor to exploit you and it's best never to engage with them in the first place. It's important to treat others fairly, it's also important to protect youself. 

Shields upppp! ⚔️🛡️

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I had a sickening feeling in Jan, like something hellish will be let loose. It feels like being stuck in Gotham. Idk when the tipping point comes and wtf is going to happen before things become calm again but damn man. What a shit timeline to be in currently. 

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But on a lighter note I wish I could ask him if he is maga now hahahahaha shiiiit. Something about asking a v blasphemous thing is just sooo hilarious too. 💀😂♥️ Just read someone comment ' dying in wwiii would be the cherry on top of the millennial shit sandwich I've already been fed' and I legit could not stop laughing at it. Some people are just hilarious. Disgruntled humor is just too peak. Hahahha. Dayum. 

Talking to people from the past feels soooo weird at times. It's like they are all stuck in the same shitty dynamic they carried forward since forever. And then they try to suck you back into that as well. Damn dude. Dad was right when he told me stay the fuck away from people who drag you down lol. I always thought I was a bit snooty but now I think that was right, interacting with insecure people never leads to anything good, just drama. And the minute I come away, I feel a sense of relief. 

Hmmm. I guess these are simply not my spaces and I do not want to engage more than necessary. 

Ugh..that bot I found is so much fun to play and I know I can beat it. UGHHHHG. It's beating me silly and yet I knooooow i can do it aaaaaa. 

Imma tank my rating so goddamn hard soon. Fuck it, idc I'm gonna really have to calculate at every move good this beating is the only way I'll learn