What a hectic day, juggling so many things. Whew. Just gonna sleep nicely tonight. ♥️

Guess we are all watching Ding winningggg hehe. Good stufffffff 💪🏼

Ohhhhh he did ittttt wowww. What a masterful game so effing well done. Now that's a crushing victory 🙌. DING WINNINGGGGG

Okay imma hold my breath and wish for DINGGGGG 🎉🎉

Turn it arounddddd

Do players' personalities influence their chess? Interesting question asked to Sadler. He says not necessarily. Says he is reserved as a person but very diff chess wise. Hmmm... I think who you are unfettered is very much visible on the board. What you do under stress and high stakes shows very distinctly who you are. Part of why I root for magnus always I simply with no reservations believe one should optimise to win everytime. My own chess is overly optimistic and at times not thought through and lacks the base of hard work required to refine it, but when I push myself I'm happy with the results so I know what I lack in rigor currently I'll make up over time in persistence. Feel like you can always figure clues out about people slowly that way. But who knows, maybe I'm completely wrong. Hehe.

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Oh wow he also has an ex wife and a current one haha. Man, people really divorce a lot huh. Or maybe these chess players are just annoying the fuck out of women haha. I can soooo see this happening lmao. Well, I hope when I marry it's for good and just the once. I'll hold out for that. Want a good solid partnership, didn't deal with so much bs in life to falter in this kinda stage. Hehe. Guess that means I need to keep my standards up and not shortchange myself on essentials. 

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Fuck it. Let me get my 1900 back then quit 3+0 for good. Let's play actual chess and prove my own self wrongggg haha. Yeah fuck it not letting myself off the hook for lack of rigor. 

Somehow whatever happens, I do end up being quite supportive of this fellow lol. Idk why also but there's a genuine part of me that sees not just potential but just desire in him to be better and somehow I then feel like ok go for it. Do it. I'll be here every step of the way if you need and even if you don't need but let's do it. Haha. The downside is that I do get annoyed when I don't feel like I'm appreciated cuz then suddenly a side kicks in saying hey wait if they don't openly say thanks etc then why be there? Why not just spend time with those that do? I suppose that's eventually going to end up being the dealbreaker if it comes to that. Balance is something that comes from both sides anyway so like. 

Anyway blah. Let's watch the gaaame. Haha. Omg it's going to be decisive hopefully. Want ding to just show some fucking magic. Hehe, well atleast I hope he tries. The number of people just critiquing him is brutal. Must be very very tough to feel like you have let everyone down nothing like that horrid feeling of not measuring up or seeing everyone disappointed. I think it's one of the worst things in the world to be subjected to. Well, I shall always champion people I see not believing in themselves, I am 100 percent sure that a mix of love and belief makes a huge difference in performance. Esp for those who are inherently self critical, the outside world needs to go easy on them cuz they are already being harsh on themselves. I suppose that's why I like Sadler, he understands that and doesn't push his own feelings on others. Maturity is knowing your own boundaries and holding yourself to a certain standard that ensures you don't hurt others. 

Gospels

I enjoy a cat and mouse game, but only when it's in jest and tongue in cheek, in good fun. Shouldn't devolve into something more serious than that. Because at the end of the day I value transparency and honesty, not deception or attempts at deception. I try my best to be understanding and accepting and I am that person, which is also why people have so much rope with me when I do care about them. But there are certain ethics I adhere to and will never compromise on. Hopefully that one fundamental fact about me is very clear. Trust should not be earned just so you can sucker punch someone when they look the other way, and attempts to do that are downright despicable. Going forward I'm simply going to write people off if they aren't nice to me directly, no exceptions. 

Hell yea let's do thisssss!!! Loool. Imma do my best for Maya

Suck it Konstantin!!! 😤😤😤😤 Lost to you so much I actually analysed your game out of spite. Don't care how badly I played also just care that I beat you 😤😤😤

 Lack of sleep 😴

 V unhealthy behaviour, not sleeping on time 😔

Characters

 

Too true

Aaand I find myself unable to sleep. Could it have something to do with holding a screen? Maaaybe. Is it too late to watch a movie? Maaaybe. Should I do it? 😶

Persistence is a virtue, or is it? Lol. Hard to tell sometimes. Who knows maybe the old wise ones were just people selling snake oil back in the day. 😶

Watching magnus take a shit on the game in post analysis lol. I guess levy had a point about why it's so hard to get mainstream tv sponsors for classical chess. I still don't think it's a complete reason to not broadcast it but ok. I actually believe the opposite, that people who enjoy it will tune in cuz they have already bought into the game. 

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Ooo and December 9. Hehe. Used to be my fav date tbh. Two of my bestest friends growing up both born on Dec 9 and both were people I got along with like I've known them forever from the first day we met. Hehe.... P and S!!! Happy birthdayssss. Dammit I wish we were still in touch haha. Loved you both! And always remember you so fondly! ♥️♥️

Memories

Oh maaaaaan. Such an old pic. Hahah. Fuck randomly googs throwing up old memories. We were such babies. I looked sooooo different then haha. Heh. My first proper bf. Lmao, and you asked me to marry you at 21. God I flipped out so hard that time fuck. Cried an entire night knowing I didn't want that.  💀

Hehe. So many people regret their firsts etc, I do not. It was a nice time. I don't think I was in love. And my mom finding this pic and recognising those stupid curtains and immediately asking wtf he was doing in my house hahahaha. Fuck. Idk what random lie I must have told her then. 

Man I have a bit of a type, don't I? Funny hair, nerdy, a bit baby ish. Mathematics, guitar and table tennis he played.  Fuck, I think the last we met was just before he left for Booth. I remember  how pissed he was that he didn't get Wharton. Hahaha these man children... Always I have to pick those. 

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Damn. I was so young then, I don't think I knew what love was. And I didn't love him, but I was v fond of him. And I respected his work ethic. Puppy love, maybe. 

I never wanted to end up with him cuz he was way too selfish and hmmmm. It used to feel bad that the only times he would make an effort was when he could come over to have sex. I hated that. And I knew when he mentioned marriage that I can simply never be with someone who for a lifetime would just treat me as an object but never be considerate of my feelings. Like you aren't a bad guy, but my god so selfish. I'm not cut out to deal with that. Loads of other girls can, they know how to keep guys like him. I simply can't lol. Sometimes I wish I was transactional that way but when it comes to love I'm just an idealist for better or for worse. Lol. I possibly choose the worse and not the better but I suppose when you have one life and your heart tells you to be authentic, you should just follow that instinct. 

Heh. V. The guy who ran my phone bill through the roof  and told me if I tell him more than 10 secrets, he would forget the first cuz ten is the max number he can keep. 💀🤣

Good memories, I'm glad I met most people I have met in my life. 

I don't feel nostalgic about any of this now, that's interesting. Even about people I did truly love. Hehe. Well that's good, means I'm over it all in a good way. Feels nice and light. 

Ps-

Pretty sure you cheated on me that summer you were in Berkley though. Lol. I didn't realise it until years later cuz I am such a big sucker lol.