Dads' birthday today. 62 today. Damn, he is getting old!
Ps- Happy B'day Elvis too!
Sunday, January 7, 2024
Saturday, January 6, 2024
Okay I am beyond creeped out right now. After blocking him in every goddamn platform, not talking for more than a year, calling out his shit after I realised how fucking incessantly he was stalking me, I had hoped he had finally left me alone. Cut to today when I see he went back to stalking and 74 times to boot. Fuck. This is not just unhinged its just terrifying. Why tf can't you stay the hell away from me pranav? I do not want you in my life! Just go away and stay the fuck away from me. I do not have words to describe how sickening and repulsive I find this. This honestly crosses a line into being straight up creepy asf. I wish I had never known him.
Discovery
You know what I kinda miss? That lovely sense of closeness I used to feel when someone would call me all the time, couldn't wait to talk to me, spending nights just talking to each other till the AM and getting to know each other through and through. Even when you knew you'll be sleep deprived asf the next day. It was so easy back then, everything seemed brand new and it took like a week's worth of just being in constant touch until you know every tiny secret about each other, all those inside jokes. There were no barriers, no distrust, just a lot of hope and laughter and ease. You know like how you become best friends straight up after just a few days cuz you know you met someone special and couldn't wait to share all about yourself with them, and have them tell you every little thing about themselves. There was such joy in that discovery, and it was so hard to hold back cuz like waking life was inf better than just sleeping. And that inevitable cocoon that would form that housed all the closeness and the sweet gestures and leg pulling and you just knewwwww right at the start that the bond will be special.
Every meaningful person that ever entered my life, happened to enter suddenly and abruptly and boom! Few weeks later we were close as can be. It was wonderful. One of the things that makes me truly happy is knowing that everyone that I met up until now, who I have cared about - instantly and almost instinctively trusted me. To a point where I grew up thinking that was a norm and only much later discovered that people are actually distrustful by nature. I remember V telling me that she had only two friends growing up and after I met her, we became friends cuz I simply bulldozed her barriers down like I didn't see them. That was true, I just felt they were silly and decided she was a great person who I wanted in my life so just stuck around till she was feeding me nice food and all ahhahaha. Oh man, that was legit amazing ♥️
I miss that feeling. And I wonder if someone will want to get to know me with that much happiness and passion again. After eons I've even thought about it and I don't want to taint it by telling myself that adulthood is about people having barriers and lines and all that. Fuck that. Idgaf. Barriers are meant to be temporary not like a fucking jail that keeps you caged in and everyone nice shut out. That's just pointless.
Someday, everything would be like a fresh sunny day after the rains abate. People need to have more faith in themselves and not just be insecure about every tiny thing all the time. It's no way to live life. Why crawl when flying is an option? Atleast float and cruise around. That's a good middle ground.
Just realised how much people fucking whine on and on and on sometimes. I'm the one pmsing and yet everyone else is crying. Ffs.
But I kinda get that boy too. I mean, I honestly don't have words for how messed up it is that he puts himself through so much pain. Is he really that terrified of being alone? Poor thing man. I genuinely hope luck favours him and he find a solution out of the blue. He needs that. I'm glad M has also started being nicer and kinder to him. He always was but now it's a lot softer and I like that. He is also growing as a person and it's nice to see. A lot more balanced too now, as well as just calmer. Especially these last few months. I kinda get that boys' attachment too, unhealthy as it is. Even I find it tough to detach from people I care about and I did spend a number of years in toxic friendships in the hopes the other person changes. And some can maybe but a lot of the times you have to simply put an end to it. And I'm v possessive too so I get wanting to try hard to make someone change I've done that as well. But once I finally shed that urge, it was the most liberating thing ever. It finally put me on the path to actually being good and solid and happy and it took forever to even get there. Even the beginning of 2023 I was quite messy but I'm glad that's behind me. That's why I keep wanting to help him cuz in some sense I do understand deeply that feeling of not being loved and cherished by someone and then wanting to earn that love. I'm glad I stopped doing that atleast and I hope he does too. And the loving ones will simply make your life more wholesome. I think I do that for others too now, atleast I hope I do and I hope they do feel that steadiness in me. What that fish dude said is right, people you are with are a reflection of you. For once, I'll be glad to be with someone that's a reflection of me. I think it honestly would be wonderful lol. I've always had this inkling that the right people help you grow, change and become better versions of yourself and I think in that regard atleast I'll be a great partner to someone and someone like me would be a great one for me also. Not exactly me, but someone complimentary to me. That's a nice thought. :) and one thing I'm damn sure of, and it got cemented for me today when I saw that question too... I will not be anyone's option. Like no. Just reading it made me recoil a bit and while I didn't expect any clarity to come about, I knew right then that I will not settle for being an extra to anyone ever. It definitely triggers my insecurities though, but I've come far enough to know that not only do I want something that's just mine, I also know that I deserve to have someone who makes me their priority and treats me with that level of care. As I would the same. And I think I do deserve clarity and openness too. I won't ask for it though, the one time I did the response was nothing short of brutal to hear, so I'm not doing that again ever. This stuff people should be able to figure out on their own. Anyway, I hope this is the year where everything falls into place for me.
~
I wanna do something fun and chill.
Lol, need to remember how to play chess again I'm on a massive losing streak. Sheesh. I've become SLOOOOWWW.
~
Aaaa
Losing losing losing. Fuck it. I'm so done.
~
Friday, January 5, 2024
PMSyyyyy
Randomly moody and angry ish today. Bet it's the pms. Interesting how once I know what it is, gets a bit easier to put it in perspective. But it's so difficult to stop my mind from wandering into hating on things.
I'm genuinely very very irritable today, just getting angry at things. I even start to imagine things to trigger myself into being angry, just noticed that. Just picking old memories from the rage bank and converting them into hate. Some ten people I must have scolded in my head already. Ugh, and I have to go buy some groceries and clothes too and now I just don't want to drive. FML, why all this on a Saturday? ಠ﹏à²
I want to cry :(
Wishful thinking
Days leading up to periods are truly the worst. Now I have to wait for a random bout of crying incoherently for no reason and they'll arrive the next day. FML.
You know what I would love to have rn? Those warm cosy onesie type pyjamas that seem like a soft blanket for your body and just take a hot shower, put on some nice lotion, slip into the onesie, wear a mask, block out all light and just sleeeeeeeep.
Aaaand I'm now too slow for 3+0 ಠ︵à²
Fitzgerald's life is one of hedonism and toxicity man. Dayum. I think these toxic relationships can be enticing cuz they engage all your senses fully. Sex seems hedonistic and most people just get seduced by that thrill of being on top of the mountain. Then they die by 44 like F Scott did. 💀
This is why life should be tempered by monkhood and mastering yourself not just losing your mind in pleasure seeking. I hate the nature of addictions cuz they control you. WHY DO YOU WISH TO SUBMIT?
Butler v Gatsby
Reading about Fitzgerald and now Gatsby is making more sense. Fundamentally I can't get behind Gatsby but I guess I can appreciate the sentiment. Falling for these smoke and mirrors types of Daisy Buchanan type women is just sooooo repulsive to me. They'll just look and act like delicate flowers and be total cunts but society will see them as oh so nice.
I'd pick Rhett Butler over Gatsby any sweet day. Both had similar swashbuckling traits but Rhett was such a man. And the one who discovered his worth and decided to deliver that iconic line. Well, come to think of it, I didn't like Scarlett O Hara either but she was strappy and capable which I can respect. But Daisy Buchanan aaaaa. Just triggers me the wrong way lol. Like her parallel in Gone with the wind might even be Melanie except Melanie was such a strong woman and the way they showed Rhett instantly recognising that and always being a gentleman only for her was amazing.
Hehe, I love you, Rhetts of the world. You all are wildlings - driven, passionate, can be absolutely maddening, but will always come through when needed. Now that's a man's man right there.
Thursday, January 4, 2024
How can someones back look hot like howwww. Fuck. Just wanna pretend to give him a massage and take an ice cube and trace it's outline slowly. Startle him a bit while he is all sweaty ugh 🥵
Mind is going to dirty places ffs
How is he masculine in juuuust the exact amount howwww.
My unholy thoughts will make a priest blush, were I to confess them right at this minute.
Ughhh.
Decor I liked
Was watching some random youtuber house tour vid and gah my eyes watered at how uggos those stark mansions look yuck. Nothing I hate more than pointless ostentatiousness like it screams lack of class to me. Esp if there's an echo in a house, then it's just needlessly big.
I'm a die hard Dieter Rams school of design philosophy convert and I cannot bring myself to appreciate things that serve no purpose it's so inefficient.
Had to purge that memory by finding decor ideas on Pinterest lol. I really love the cosy Japanese style aesthetic and these warm tones for bedrooms. Simple clean lines, elegant and comfortable. Probably not the frilly pillow in the last bedroom but the colour tones are so soothing, no needless clutter. I like rustic reds and beige and grey tones together. Even like the addition of the blue stripes on the headboard that's a nice touch. And comfy leather armchairs, fake leather ofc.
Something about cozy spaces is really lovely to me.
Nadal 2024
https://youtu.be/mdIMXEZRdY8?si=E8mgmRTrFv4TYcML
Ooh la laaaa!! That shot at 1.36
RAFA ILL CRY OMGGGGG SO GOOD I LOVE YOUUUUU
I legitimately became happy seeing this wow. Tennis actually means a lot to me as a sport. Who knew a random childhood hobby could turn into a lifelong passion of sorts. Dayum. Fedal has been a part of my teens and adulthood, that's amazing. I really love it. And I always stick to the things I love. 💕
Intelligence
I wonder who the smartest person I know would be. Interesting. Never thought about it before.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)