Letters, dirty dirty letters

The ever eloquent James Joyce. I may not understand a word of Ulysses, and it may forever remain the unclimbed pinnacle that I admire from its base. But how delighted am I to spy on your correspondence with your dirty lil convent girl:

https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/02/02/james-joyces-love-letters-dirty-little-fuckbird/

"Today I stopped short often in the street with an exclamation whenever I thought of the letters I wrote you last night and the night before. They must read awful in the cold light of day. Perhaps their coarseness has disgusted you. I know you are a much finer nature than your extraordinary lover and though it was you yourself, you hot little girl, who first wrote to me saying that you were longing to be fucked by me yet I suppose the wild filth and obscenity of my reply went beyond all bounds of modesty. When I got your express letter this morning and saw how careful you are of your worthless Jim I felt ashamed of what I had written. Yet now, night, secret sinful night, has come down again on the world and I am alone again writing to you and your letter is again folded before me on the table. Do not ask me to go to bed, dear. Let me write to you, dear. "

~

Grossly evocative at times, shocking, and sometimes sweet. Correspondence like this should never be confined to the two it was meant for, on mere principle.

To James Joyce who will never read this - never did I imagine the author of the alleged best book ever written could simultaneously be a massive horndog, but the world works in mysterious ways and therefore here we are. Interesting that you called her a queen in one instance though, and promptly started the next one with "My sweet little whorish Nora", also demanded she tell you about all her other lovers. Lol. Ages shall pass and men will be men, and we may pretend to be a bit different now than we were then but are we really? I honestly don't know. What I do know is no man wants another to fuck his woman. Not if she is his, ofc.

Patience

Omg the amount of traffic I had to wade through ffs. I take back what I said about not being materialistic I need a helicopter to travel around 💀

And shopping is so tiring too. man, his gf wasn't liking anything lmao. First time I feel bad for the guys I have taken shopping and annoyed this way through my life. But that was for me so it's okay 😬😬😬😬😬 Actually it's fine if it's for her too, I like her she is nice. 

One of those random litmus tests of if a guy likes you is if he patiently goes shopping with you without cribbing even though he hates it. Every girl knows it lmao. And I'm deffo the annoying shopper I take ages to choose something cuz I need to see everything first. This is why I find ordering food tough too, just get fatigued looking at choices and then just give up and make eggs for myself. 

Maaan, but I wanted to go holler around at M's work for his bullet thing too, and I missed it..omgomgomg. I'll make a nice fuss next time I'm so proud of him ♥️ hehe, wish I could just send like a huge bowl of chicken soup, I'm sure he would like that and not expect it ever too. Something about surprising someone with random things they don't expect feels good. Plus idk, I think he will secretly enjoy it but act all stoic and that'll be fun too. Oh well, maybe someday!

So cold and stuck in a cafe as it pours again outside. Good thing we decided to meet in the afternoon, atleast I didn't get caught in the rains earlier. How tf will I drive back homeeee!! Omggg. Should have ubered. Damn. 

Met S finally, was fun but had wayyy too much caffeine lol. And this cafe is just filled with people with laptops. We were only the two people actually talking. So weird and zombie like. Crazy we have known each other since we were 12. And now he is trying to poach my brother from his current job hahaha. Time flies. First time I honestly even told him about uni time and how I knew L was cheating on him then but didn't say anything cuz felt loyalty towards her back then. Of all the things that nagged me the most over the years, hiding stuff like this from my literal oldest friend was so awful and I hated it all these years. Plus he would always ask why I don't speak to her and I didn't know what to say, but say it I did not. Good. I'm glad, I'm more verbal now booyeah! It's fun to be able to discuss random shit with folks sometimes. From capitalism to what Negi is doing now and who he is conning and how lmao. Some folks we knew were total characters. Even now doing some insane bs.  Esp our batch, somehow the weirdest fuckers were part of it. Nostalgiaaa. Crazy crazy. 

Oh man I can't wait to get home dammit. Should have hired a driver atleast or something. Aiyoooo

Hugo norms just posted. Man, I haven't read any of the nominees in so many years. Last one I probably read was Paper Menagerie and that was ages ago. Lol, the amount I cried in that one story. I think it's something that's just tough to explain but has been such a huuuuge part of Asian households that him voicing it in the way he did was absolutely wrecking. Still, State Change is my personal fav cuz I resonate with it a lot more. 

Sometimes it feels like all you need to do is find the correct framing for an experience and it allows you to just accept life, and get rid of ruts. And I knoooow there's a lot of truth in it but it's just such a barebones thought as of now that it's not actionable in terms of a framework.

I had a nice and strange dream too today. Something about being at a place where I volunteer and everyone I meet there is prepping for something, the head of the place is missing and everyone is sitting around, making food and going about their business. I decided to randomly have lunch outside the building overlooking the rains. Kinda like the cold rains of Japan, just a lovely green grey landscape with steady drops. The cold always makes everything glooms. Noone was overly friendly but they weren't mean either. They basically let me do what I like and I was just exploring and waiting for the office head to get back. Some girl and boy were lounging at the back of a van so I chilled with them, and out of the window we could see a bunch of nice architecture so I was trying to photograph it. 

Everything in this dream was strange but not in a bad way just in a vv unfamiliar way. Atleast that's the feeling I woke up with. On the other side of the bed because yet again I'm moving around in my sleep lmao. 

Listening to: Atomised 

Gogo Penguin is the best new jazz band in these last few years and I'll die on this hill

If I don't open my eyes, can we pretend the day didn't start? 

I have to meet S also and I feel so lazy to drive all the way why did I say I'll leave so early?! 😭😭😭😭😭😭. So much work I have to finish! And I told him we can shop for his fiance so can't even ditch zomg. 

This is too much stress I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight world. 

Watching some random Marathi movie today. So innocent, so romantic. It's interesting how they regional cinema has so many more wholesome moments but they are so conservatively innocent. So much of friendliness also in it. It's like the people don't have any edges to them, just curves and understanding. Not all of it I guess, but the urban setting ones definitely show a lot more lighter notes than others. I don't find any of it relatable but I do find it fascinating. 

What a dichotomy in this country. From cruelty, neglect to wholesomeness. The entire spectrum just can exist within the same place. 

Lol, right as I type this I get an email by The Marginalian and it has this beginning:

~

How to Apologize: Reflections on Forgiveness, Self-Forgiveness, and the Paradox of Doing the Right Thing

“An honorable human relationship… in which two people have the right to use the word ‘love,'” Adrienne Rich wrote, “is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.”

And yet if the two pillars of friendship and loving relation are truth and tenderness, as Emerson believed, something terrible and irreconcilable happens when the truth itself is untender — it becomes impossible to discern the honorable thing to do, the loving thing to do, the correct shape of loyalty. Cornered between two imperfect options, one is forced to weigh the agony of hurting a beloved soul against the agony of duplicity, that pernicious poison of trust — a cruel reminder of how much pain human beings can inflict in just trying to be good, how altogether difficult it is to be a human being in tender and trusting relation to other human beings in a world rife with paradoxes, moral ambiguities, and impossible choices.

"Refining the truths" to tell each other. I think there's a lot of gravity in that. I find myself feeling crushed whenever I say something and a person that is sensitive gets hurt. I don't even mean anything negatively when I'm joking, but for the life of me I've not been able to completely annihilate this trait of mine. It's like in my mind the joke is objectively funny whereas the subjective context makes it unfunny for the people who are sensitive. And eventually I end up trying to walk on eggshells or feel like a bull in a china shop.  And I definitely try and change the way I put something across to people once I feel they have sensitivities. But I don't always succeed and that hurts me too. 

The untender truth, eh? 

Yeah, I think truth can be unvarnished and sharpened to a knife point and in general tough to deal with. Some people weaponize it, in a bid to harm others and yet try to retain for themselves some semblance of moral goodness. That's the one thing I've always hated. The few times in my life people tried to harm me deliberately, it was always on the back of " I'm brutally honest" except no, you were just brutal. Let's not pretend what you said had honesty, it was just dickery with a paint job.  

Oh man, speaking of paint job I had to continue my series of chess paintings 😭. Crap!! I forgot and now I'm so lazy 🦥

Ugh. Somedays I just wanna lounge in bed and think and day dream.

How did someone else play a game and I'm the one that is exhausted lmao! Spent the afternoon watching it was soooo fun!!! Total beast mode, loved it! ♥️ I really like it when people I like just shine, makes me happy. Plus he seemed all relaxed also during, that was great. No stressing is always a good way unleash skill without worry. Ezpz. Nothing about that was ezpz probably, but sure made it look like it was! 

You adorable person... I think I just understood your moods a lil bit. They are so different to mine. All my life I've been hiding emotions and in general had a very stoic front cuz never allowed to express +  didn't ever give myself the permission to be expressive. So it's wonderful for me to see someone who can actually just straight up do what they feel like. That's so freeing. Heh, you'd never understand my fascination for it I suppose, and I'm glad you won't, just means you can't help but be who you are, that's amazing to me. 

Ironically, I hate people who put up a false front but now I'm thinking if I don't show my feelings easily then am I not doing the same? 

Crap. 

When someone plays only a couple of games in a row, can it be that they are taking a poo? 

Why did this thought occur to me? :(

Play

Oh great stupid period time is back. Stupid cramps in the middle of the stupid night I hate the world fuck it I'll also play bullet

~

~

Oh wow I moved back to Dave Matthews #41. Ugh. How can someone not like him? And that sax oooh la la😍

I wanted to stay, I wanted to playyyyyyy. 

Hmmm what does this song say to me?

Go on and dance with me?

Then again, this song also says drive fast on a sunny day in a car with no roof. Oh man, what wouldn't I give to drive on an empty winding road and put this on full blast just for me. 

#41 - Version that's making me groove currently

Oh wow now a chess group tournament had complaints of cheating too. Wtf. This is crazy.  Why tf would you cheat in a local group tournament that's played for fun and zero prize money what is even wrong with people? How fucking sad. I take back things I said about needing chess to be more popular, the low hanging fruit will only make these things worse. 💀 And I bet a lot of folks do it for fun, just cheap thrills to get away with it. Seen enough of those morons in schools and colleges all over. Bruh.  Also read an article about Kasparov accusing deep blue of cheating 💀 

Think I'm done for the day 

Of music and degens

On a Rachmaninoff bender again lol. I think my fav rendition of the second concerto has to be kissin's version. He, and Gideon Kremer seem like two of the best musicians I've come across in a long while. 

Moderato : deffo one of the best versions. 

Lol, today I read about that thing about pain. I feel like a loooot of folks out there actually do enjoy a bit or a lot of pain, esp during sex. Interesting. I've never once thought of giving anyone pain lol. I wouldn't want to be hurt either. Idk, in my mind there's a stark difference between passion and straight up pain. But the bdsm crowd really seems to get off on it. I've always wondered what's the source of this kink in people. It seems a bit rooted in anger and trauma. I deffo have kinks even I like, but causing someone harm or getting off on it isn't one of mine. I guess humiliation is also one that a bunch of people have. I recall someone I knew who loved it, and she has v low self esteem so at that point the psychology behind it seemed nightmarish.  Hmmm. I think I enjoy more of coaxing and teasing and bit of power/ dominance. Even a bit of exhibitionism is kinda cool when done right. Put your hand under my skirt and hope that noone's watching? Mmm mmm. Coax me right, and I'll let you have me wherever you want. But outright like hitting and stuff no way. Oh man, I remember that one game of 'never have I ever' and one of my guy friends just went " never have I ever been slapped in the face with a dick " and me and the other girl had to take a shot. Lmaooo. Well played, that was. V v well played. Wait I started this thinking about Rachmaninoff and I'm ending with wonderment about the age old " spit or swallow?" Depends on how much I like you, I suppose. 

Until then, that's one secret I'll never tell. Xoxo.

Mistress

Spending the day on chess. I honestly do love this game. ♥️

These days I make plans and think I'll do xyz things on weekend and then I just spend time on chess even if it's just watching not learning. 

Sucks that so many folks choose to cheat online these days like what do you even get from that?  See this is another reason why I feel like equating chess to intelligence is the incentive. Rating chasers will find redemption in that. Funny. The one woman who was a legit cheater in real life I remember also used to cheat at that lame 2048 game. And she also had some bizarre need to be seen as hyper competitive at everything. 

Just 🚽🪠🧻

Oh well. Turds should be flushed and not looked at. Life lesson 101

I wonder why chess doesn't grow as a game. It's a weird thing that nags at me. I feel like a lot of it is so perception based and so many people equate it to being clever that they don't want to feel like they are stupid. Why isn't there a way to change that? Not a single person I know learns or follows it. Well a couple do but not religiously and they dont love it so to speak. But whyyyy they have similar addictive personalities like me so what stops them? 

Movie love

Wow woke up so groggy wtf. Man, medication can be brutal. I wanna watch some good films. Scorcese's new one is out. Man, I love him so much. Some of the best films I've seen are his I think. I miss the era of films where you could watch something cult and underground and had to sneak it in. Probably the issue with all the accessibility now. I loved researching for hours and oh man that Excel sheet I used to maintain for movies lmao. Surprisingly I thought I might like the art house types but instead I actually gravitate more to gritty cinema or coming of age stories, when done right. Or even the older gems like Cinema Paradiso and The Bicycle Thief. Ladri di biciclette. Hehe. I loooove it so much! 

The one thing I genuinely miss from all my wayward friendships is that the more streamlined crowd I know tend not to have any deep interest in films and music. And some who do just end up over explaining to me what I should watch and what not lmao. Idk why people do that, it's like a weird mix of wanting to show off and wanting validation from a person for being knowledgeable about a topic. 

Plus it's so nice to make a list and then watch it with people too. I really love that. 

Oh to have mental stimulation zomg. 

Note to self: DO NOT TAKE A PAINKILLER WITHOUT READING THE DOSAGE FIRST.

ffs. Got completely knocked out straight up for 3 hours.