I feel

sad :(

The games we play

I've always viewed life as a journey of discovery, and in some strange way tried to determine who I am by using all experiences as a mirror or a wall to bounce off of. 

Even chess became some sort of a way to measure my negatives and try to constantly shift my mindset into a linear path by eliminating them. I remember when I started playing and my fear of failure was immediately brought to the surface and with such absurd ease. I was terrified of sucking and never improving. Terrified of discovering that it doesn't come easy to me, like a lot of other things that make me feel like an imposter do. I'd do a bunch of puzzles in lieu of playing games to keep those irrational thoughts at bay. Instead of being just a game that should have a binary meaning - you like it, you don't like it - it turned into a mental battle against demons and deep fears.

The one thing I genuinely like about myself is that I don't ignore my weaknesses once I discover them. It's the one constant that I can blindly rely on. So that ended up being a fascinating combat. 'Inability to quit vs lifelong fears.' The initial months were tough. I still remember how I had to force myself to think. As I slowly got comfortable with the idea of absolutely sucking at something, it stopped having a hold over me and more importantly, stopped preventing me from never trying.  Interesting how the small changes add up over time.

Maybe I am romanticing it a lot, but I never imagined that a game could have such a huge impact on my life. Meaning is where you choose to find it I suppose.

I'm just so glad I stuck with it. ♥️

Courage, lil pawn2n

This world is one great battlefield,
With forces all arrayed;
If in my heart I do not yield
I’ll overcome some day

Ad Astra

Sometimes you come across something profound when you least expect it. Someone in twitch chat just typed " if you stare into the abyss long enough " and a mod there added " it stares back into you. But then so do the stars ".

In the middle of my sniffles and shivers and fever that one idea just smacked me harder than all the meds I'm taking. 

Suck it Nietzsche 

I HATE BEING SICK

FFS. IVE JUST BEEN SLEEPING AND WAKING UP LIKE A 6MO I HATE THIS BYE

Philosopher thou

Write words that cry about your anguish. Talk about stuff that makes your soul weep. But have you ever wondered, what it would be like to be someone else? All of your ideas, all the theories, they all stem from you. You are your own blind spot. What a joke, amirite?

Loops

Sometimes I get bogged down by the cyclical occurance of events. I'm always wondering why they occur. At times I felt maybe it was me, maybe I'm the one who chooses them. But it can't be me all the time. Fuck this shit.

Where

Has this song been all this while. Omg, what a seductive beat. Something about the riff and the drums just turn me on. 

Sing it:

accctuuualllly

~ With a hollow embrace 

Let’s go back to your place 

Uncover the lover you cannot replace ~

Endings

So I guess our friendship is finally over. I'm completely at a loss of what to say. I don't really see a way to salvage anything here, and I'm so exhausted with the emotions thrown at me that I'm not really sure if I can. A lot of what you said, I simply don't understand. But the words you used makes it hard for me to trust you again. I always thought that one or both of us would choose to detach at some point, it seemed inevitable. What I didn't really factor in was that it might have to be messy or that you would completely blame me for it. You called me aloof lmao. The sheer irony of throwing that in my face after knowing each other for 7 fucking years. 

I hate how everything gets projected as my fault. You took zero responsibility. Zero. You chose to crush me with words like "value" and then turned around and said "I only said that cuz you asked." I can't even muster up a "fuck you" for that anymore, cuz it all feels so pointless now.

The only thing I wish I had said - but I doubt I ever will - is that I chose not to cross the emotional lines for a reason. I thought that bit was obvious. And I'm not apologetic about it either, cuz crossing that would have meant blurring lines that I had worked hard to keep clear. I always thought that might be the kinder option, but who knows? If the impact was the opposite then I guess it wasn't as kind. Emotional closeness for me goes hand in hand with falling in love, and you and I can't be in love with each other. I guess this was my way of protecting both of us?! Idk. I'm sorry though, if I hurt you. 

I am grateful for all the positives that you brought in my life and how wonderful your presence has been so far. I didn't even realise how much we grew together.

All I'm currently feeling is a sense of relief, but it might be a mask for avoiding anything more intense. I'm sure this realisation will hit me at some point down the line and I'm going to feel all the grief that comes with the ending of something cherished. Ugh. Don't really know what else to add, so I'll end on the word you hated - Lol.

And so it goes.

Suspicious

I hope my blog is as anon as I think it is so far. I read something today that made me feel so so so sus. Hope I'm wrong. And if I'm not, then it's kinda fucked up. 

At times

You just wanna say bc

I feel wired

I'm playing incessantly. I'm confused, scared and a bit melancholy. Not for anything, but just for the idea of things following the same spectrum. I'm so tired of it, please break free 

Oh boy

Would my crazy impractical heart listen to sense? Is it even capable? Or does it just want to dream and idealise and hurt me in the end? This once, I choose to believe it won't. I hope I'm right.

Sway with me?

to this

And just be direct. Are you able?

Fucking imagination

Mostly leading me astray, and yet it's so powerful at the moment that I can't help myself. Ffs

Doobne De

Hearing this song by Hassan & Roshan, and it reminds me so much of Rumi. I love the line that says " masjido mai na mila tu aafato mai mil gaya " 

That's just so freaking gorgeous. The sentiment, the implication and the divinity.

I like the sufi way of showing love for divinity. Something about the dance and the immersion in the moment that strives to step outside of yourself has an appeal to me.