Oh man. I think I just made a connect. I kept wondering about that odd thing that had happened with this guy and that insta also long back. Then thought nothing of it. And now suddenly noticed it today. It was so strange, I was wondering why we followed the same thing and if we had someone in common then that girl shows then disappeared then shows again like wtf was that. And it suddenly dawned on me.

Ugh. Is that one of his gfs or something? Is that why he even opened up a bit the other day about his disease? Fuck. I spent time feeling bad about his ailment and thinking it's so sad he had to deal with it all his life. But that must be him just trying to see if I made the connect. How manipulative. 

And is that why he can't talk to me? I don't talk to all my friends it seems. It was also very weird for me when he used to say can't hear vns rn etc also. Fuck. Ewwww. Is it cuz he was with her that time? Oh man... Yuck. He is like a cheater then. Fuck. And just put me in some mistress like spot. Must be trying to hide that he knows me etc. I used to wonder why he didn't follow me and why such random secrecy with me. At first I thought arrogance but now it feels worse somehow. And probably didn't follow her all this while and suddenly did after I stumbled across it. So much deceptiveness. And that random girls of calcutta song. Fuck. Ewwwww. 

I can't believe I fell for his "I hate cheaters" act. If that girl is who I think she is, then he himself is like one...all the lying and the duplicitous behaviour. And why pretending to not know me is so important to him, yuck. And I suspect he was trying to get her to hide from me too lol. Must have spun some random story about me also na then. Maybe that's why can't reply to emails must be pretending I'm someone he doesn't know or barely knows or whatever. And forced her to delete comments, and unfollow that insta I suppose. I remember thinking it was odd cuz it seemed like she knew the dude running it and I was just confused at the time then forgot about it. Shit. That's so gross man. Just so gross. And backstabby to boot. Surely must have happily sold me out or said something shitty about me to make it happen. Trust a random insta recommendation follow to show me that of all things. 

From wanting to share something with him to suddenly realising what he has been hiding, or trying to hide. 

Damn... Are you really just a liar like every other cheater out there fuck. All this sneaky behaviour and attempting to cover tracks etc is exactly what cheaters also do. Feel better he told me that time when I asked to talk what a cheap person dude. And he didn't mind making me feel horrible like just straight up kept at it and now I realise it must be cuz he doesn't want someone else to know that we know each other or something. Yuuuuuuuck. As if I'd ever want to  entertain liars and cheats. I can't believe I trusted him man. He is just like everyone else. Yuck and made me that kinda person that he needs to hide from his real life right oh god. Yuck. 

I feel a bit sick. 

Lol. All this shitty treatment, all this ego and all these lies and manipulation on top of it all like wow. Just so bad. And complete lack of loyalty like. Was probably trying to treat her the same way too. Sick. It'll never be just upfront niceness, never. Won't ever see it as... Hey someone is nice to me, what am I to them in return? It'll never be... Hey I'm happy to have you in my life, thank you for caring about me and being there for me. Thank you for being supportive... All those words, any gratefulness, niceness... Nothing. Too scared to say hi on his own to boot. What good quality does he have that I should hang my hat on? I wonder if he can name one. You are suuuch a lying scumbag. 

Fuck dude. Every step of the way, for 2 whole years I tried to see the best in this person, disregarded everyone else's opinion, and in the end I was just wrong. 

Anyway, I do not want any part of this stuff, I don't want to know anything and I don't want to be involved in something gross and at the end of the day in addition to being nasty to me, it's like an endless rabbit hole of just selfishness, and lack of care. I do not ever want to be some woman that's hidden from another yuck. I bet he only wants me to reach out to him so he can feel vindicated and then be like oh look she came to me, I didn't go to her and all that egoistic crap. He will never interpret it as... "oh I am glad despite me messing up she is forgiving me. It's that fear of rejection, right? "What if I reach out and she acts like she doesn't care, then I will be diminished. So let me just pretend like I'm busy. " 

I do not want to be subjected to any of it anymore. I wonder... Can he even name one positive difference or addition he makes to my life to counter all the rest of this? This behaviour is just beyond shitty, isn't it? It's just delusional to think you can keep treating someone badly and have them have a positive opinion of you tbh. 

And the worst part is all of it was just unnecessary. Like why even do it, what was the point? Half my life I've run away from people who just stabbed me and after sooo long I thought I could trust someone. I just don't trust you at all now. 

Ugh. I feel extremely sick about all of this fuck.