Gospels

I enjoy a cat and mouse game, but only when it's in jest and tongue in cheek, in good fun. Shouldn't devolve into something more serious than that. Because at the end of the day I value transparency and honesty, not deception or attempts at deception. I try my best to be understanding and accepting and I am that person, which is also why people have so much rope with me when I do care about them. But there are certain ethics I adhere to and will never compromise on. Hopefully that one fundamental fact about me is very clear. Trust should not be earned just so you can sucker punch someone when they look the other way, and attempts to do that are downright despicable. Going forward I'm simply going to write people off if they aren't nice to me directly, no exceptions. 

Hell yea let's do thisssss!!! Loool. Imma do my best for Maya

Suck it Konstantin!!! 😤😤😤😤 Lost to you so much I actually analysed your game out of spite. Don't care how badly I played also just care that I beat you 😤😤😤

 Lack of sleep 😴

 V unhealthy behaviour, not sleeping on time 😔

Characters

 

Too true

Aaand I find myself unable to sleep. Could it have something to do with holding a screen? Maaaybe. Is it too late to watch a movie? Maaaybe. Should I do it? 😶

Persistence is a virtue, or is it? Lol. Hard to tell sometimes. Who knows maybe the old wise ones were just people selling snake oil back in the day. 😶

Watching magnus take a shit on the game in post analysis lol. I guess levy had a point about why it's so hard to get mainstream tv sponsors for classical chess. I still don't think it's a complete reason to not broadcast it but ok. I actually believe the opposite, that people who enjoy it will tune in cuz they have already bought into the game. 

~

Ooo and December 9. Hehe. Used to be my fav date tbh. Two of my bestest friends growing up both born on Dec 9 and both were people I got along with like I've known them forever from the first day we met. Hehe.... P and S!!! Happy birthdayssss. Dammit I wish we were still in touch haha. Loved you both! And always remember you so fondly! ♥️♥️

Memories

Oh maaaaaan. Such an old pic. Hahah. Fuck randomly googs throwing up old memories. We were such babies. I looked sooooo different then haha. Heh. My first proper bf. Lmao, and you asked me to marry you at 21. God I flipped out so hard that time fuck. Cried an entire night knowing I didn't want that.  💀

Hehe. So many people regret their firsts etc, I do not. It was a nice time. I don't think I was in love. And my mom finding this pic and recognising those stupid curtains and immediately asking wtf he was doing in my house hahahaha. Fuck. Idk what random lie I must have told her then. 

Man I have a bit of a type, don't I? Funny hair, nerdy, a bit baby ish. Mathematics, guitar and table tennis he played.  Fuck, I think the last we met was just before he left for Booth. I remember  how pissed he was that he didn't get Wharton. Hahaha these man children... Always I have to pick those. 

~

Damn. I was so young then, I don't think I knew what love was. And I didn't love him, but I was v fond of him. And I respected his work ethic. Puppy love, maybe. 

I never wanted to end up with him cuz he was way too selfish and hmmmm. It used to feel bad that the only times he would make an effort was when he could come over to have sex. I hated that. And I knew when he mentioned marriage that I can simply never be with someone who for a lifetime would just treat me as an object but never be considerate of my feelings. Like you aren't a bad guy, but my god so selfish. I'm not cut out to deal with that. Loads of other girls can, they know how to keep guys like him. I simply can't lol. Sometimes I wish I was transactional that way but when it comes to love I'm just an idealist for better or for worse. Lol. I possibly choose the worse and not the better but I suppose when you have one life and your heart tells you to be authentic, you should just follow that instinct. 

Heh. V. The guy who ran my phone bill through the roof  and told me if I tell him more than 10 secrets, he would forget the first cuz ten is the max number he can keep. 💀🤣

Good memories, I'm glad I met most people I have met in my life. 

I don't feel nostalgic about any of this now, that's interesting. Even about people I did truly love. Hehe. Well that's good, means I'm over it all in a good way. Feels nice and light. 

Ps-

Pretty sure you cheated on me that summer you were in Berkley though. Lol. I didn't realise it until years later cuz I am such a big sucker lol.

 

 🎃💀 Sometimes things feel so unreal but at the same time funny. It's a good thing I view most things with a humourous approach because I'm not sure if others would see it the same way as I do at times. Oh well. As long as weirdness doesn't spill over to meanness I'm good idc. 

Que sera sera!

I can't stop laughing at the press conference. Guks plays squash nice. I like when someone can hide a competitive personality in daily life but shows it when it counts. Nice. I like the humility in both their answers tbh. 

~ 

Anyyyway time for some good music and wineeeee. Wootwoot. 

Omg yesssssssss!!! Finally. God all day I felt like today will be decisive and it was fuck yea.

Now imagine if Ding wins the next one and goes into tie breaks and wins the whole thing. Idk why that also seems possible 💀 

He is no wallflower idk why people underestimate him

Ugh okay today should be a decisive game come onnn. Just feels so random that it has got to end with someone blundering lmao. Let's go blunderssssss

Game turning out to be weird asf lol. Looks so loosey goosey at the minute. Obviously it won't be but to my eyes it seems like that. Imma try to discern at each position who seems better and why. Let's see how much of it I get right. 

Obligatory stupid engines 🙄

 "I don't look for it actively 90% of the time but then that 10% when I'm just tired or moody or anything else, it's feels really bad to feel negated at that point." 

It's kinda sad tbh that I don't even expect it most of the times. I think it's a key feature of narcissism and being around people who are narcissistic that they deprive you of kindness and importance and take particular joy in revelling in the moments when you feel weak and need care and then withholding it from you. Because they are soooo broken that only feeding off someone elses' misery makes them feel good. I think that's what Rowling based dementors on. That and LoTr. 

~

I guess I don't want to be around narcissists. Being around one earlier made me understand how fucked up it is. You can always trust that the only time they are being nice is when they need something or looking to manipulate you into giving them validation. But blah. No need to give a shit about all this anymore. Donezies, chapter closed. 

~

Sometimes I want to just not make an effort on my own. And then see who does. Maybe I should do that. And let go of all that don't. Yeah why not? Actually should just have kept these filters from the start but oh well. 🤷‍♀️

~

Aaaaaand game is starting. Let's goooo.😍

~

Oooooo reti and WITH A GAMBIT OMGGGG. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Someone's gotta win this, come on make it a brilliant game!!